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Rushed In Too Quickly


bwasroy

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Hi loveshack board!

 

Here's my story. I will try to make it as simple as possible.

 

I started seeing a girl. We went on two dates. (And a third, makeout encounter.) There was a lot of chemistry and we were really compatible. Just really long talks. Lots of fireworks. After the third date, we both agreed we wanted to be in a relationship.

 

Long story short, I cut the reigns because I felt like we had rushed into things. (Because we had.) I made sure that she knew it wasn't anything about her, but that I just wanted to slow down.

 

Now, she hasn't had sex in two years. (So she really hasn't had any type of a relationship in a really long time.) So I'm expecting to a certain degree I hurt her when I slowed things down. (Which I think might have influenced her current response.)

 

I really really like this girl. She's one in a hundred. Just super cool. Beautiful. Amazing to be around. I leave her feeling sparked, which never happens. And truthfully, I'd rather she be my friend than we rush into a relationship and a month or two months later it fizzles out.

 

Today she texted me: "I appreciate you letting me know what's been going on with you. I'm still not sure about what I want at this point, but if you want to continue to hang out. I'm up for that. I think we moved a little too fast in calling it a relationship, though, so maybe we can try friends first and see what happens."

 

I replied "I totally agree." And I do. I'd like things to progress slowly with her. I want her to be comfortable. I don't want to scare or hurt her. (Which I think I did a bit by slowing things down.)

 

My goal is to get her to realize that we should be romantic but that we should take my time. My current game plan is to text her in a couple days and ask her to do something over the weekend. Is that the right move? I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to confuse her. I want to be the guy that she needs, and I want this to turn into something that's long lasting rather than a quick lay.

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Versacehottie

How refreshing!! What a nice story. I think it's great to ask her out in next few days. Definitely will be reassuring to her and set a pace that at least you are comfortable with and she will let you know if it works for her. I bet she will say yes and everything will progress as it should

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todreaminblue

the time you take to get to know her on a deeper level will never hurt a true meant to be relationship, you sound such a thoughtful person....i am sure that good things are in store for you and her..... i second the other poster who said this is a refreshing story...thanks for posting this.....deb

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Thanks for calling my story refreshing! It's been a bit unconventional, I'll agree.

 

I also thought I'd take the opportunity to update everyone on how the situation is going.

 

I texted her tonight and asked "When is the next time you are free?"

 

She replied (within 20 minutes): "I'm free on Monday if you want to hang out."

 

Does her calling it "hanging out" mean she's not interested in me any longer? Or is that likely me worrying too much?

 

I replied: "Ok. Season two?" (I've been watching her favorite TV show both because we have the same taste and I want to be able to talk with her about it.)

 

What should I do from here? Just be silent until Monday? Should I try to strike up a text conversation? Should I worry that she's seeing some other guy this weekend? (I doubt she is. She juggles part time school and full time work.)

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She is interested in you & wanna take things slowly if she has agreed to the date then text her the night before to double check it but if not then sort it out soon. But looks like your doing well good luck with her

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myothernic2

If I were her, I wouldn't think it was refreshing. I would be confused and "the thing" I felt before would probably be diminished.

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I agree with the previous poster in that this would probably have alarmed me and made me think the guy wasn't interested at all. I do think it's really good you've let her know how you feel and I think it's lovely you want to take it slow, but I would say maybe you should just emphasise to her that you do still want to be with her and that you are interested in her because I would take someone saying that to me as 'let's just be friends.' She may not be the same, I can be pretty paranoid about this stuff haha but I don't think it'd hurt to just make sure she knows where you're at because right now she's probably thinking you want to be friends or something like that rather than an actual relationship. Maybe tell her you're missing her if you're at that kind of level and just say some sweet things to let her know you see her as more than just a friend. I'd say strike up some conversation in messages with her before you see her as well, ask her how her day was etc or what she's up to at the moment and it'll just let her know that you're interested in her and what she has to say and also that you're thinking about her and want her company. Good luck though sounds like it'll all turn out well in the end!

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I agree with the previous poster in that this would probably have alarmed me and made me think the guy wasn't interested at all. I do think it's really good you've let her know how you feel and I think it's lovely you want to take it slow, but I would say maybe you should just emphasise to her that you do still want to be with her and that you are interested in her because I would take someone saying that to me as 'let's just be friends.' She may not be the same, I can be pretty paranoid about this stuff haha but I don't think it'd hurt to just make sure she knows where you're at because right now she's probably thinking you want to be friends or something like that rather than an actual relationship. Maybe tell her you're missing her if you're at that kind of level and just say some sweet things to let her know you see her as more than just a friend. I'd say strike up some conversation in messages with her before you see her as well, ask her how her day was etc or what she's up to at the moment and it'll just let her know that you're interested in her and what she has to say and also that you're thinking about her and want her company. Good luck though sounds like it'll all turn out well in the end!

 

Good call about letting her know I'm still interested in her romantically. I texted her "For the record, I think you're pretty damn perfect."

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strawberrypancake
Good call about letting her know I'm still interested in her romantically. I texted her "For the record, I think you're pretty damn perfect."

 

Haha, you are are too cute. She would be blind if she walks away from you at this point. But I don't think she will. I think she is maybe confused that you slowed things down and seems maybe a bit distanced because she wants to be 'cool' and not 'needy' or 'rushing things', as you voiced you wanted to take it slow.

 

Be good to her and show her you want to be with her, and things will be just fine. Don't ask on this forum what to text her, just do what your heart says and don't overthink. That's always the best solution! :)

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regine_phalange

Being all hot and then saying that you rushed into things is certainly confusing for her. This shows that either 1) you say things you don't mean and then your behaviour shows you regret them, 2) you have a specific timetable that you didn't share with her before making out, 3) you don't have enough romantic feelings for her even though she's good on paper. You leave her feeling sparked, but how does she leave you feeling? I can guess not as sparked? Honestly, do you feel "it" with her (I suspect not)? Passion and erotism don't make a relationship fizzle out, on the contrary. Uncertainty of what the other person is really feeling and thinking, on the other hand, does. Be very truthful with her, she'll appreciate it.

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DoesntGetIt
Thanks for calling my story refreshing! It's been a bit unconventional, I'll agree.

 

I also thought I'd take the opportunity to update everyone on how the situation is going.

 

I texted her tonight and asked "When is the next time you are free?"

 

She replied (within 20 minutes): "I'm free on Monday if you want to hang out."

 

Does her calling it "hanging out" mean she's not interested in me any longer? Or is that likely me worrying too much?

 

I replied: "Ok. Season two?" (I've been watching her favorite TV show both because we have the same taste and I want to be able to talk with her about it.)

 

What should I do from here? Just be silent until Monday? Should I try to strike up a text conversation? Should I worry that she's seeing some other guy this weekend? (I doubt she is. She juggles part time school and full time work.)

 

If you're going to be at one of your places, watching tv, most people would call it hanging out. The term doesn't mean anything one way or the other.

 

 

You've slowed things down and didn't talk about what the relationship should be or is. I wouldn't assume she immediately found another guy, but you have to know her dating others is not currently off the table.

 

 

 

 

I know others referred to what you're doing as refreshing and sweet. If I was the other person involved I would feel like you weren't that interested which is why you hit the brakes, and that you might also be afraid of commitment.

 

 

I think the best thing you can do is talk about how you see things going and what you want out of this next time you hang out with her. It will allow both of you to be very clear on the situation and allow it to flow smoother as well.

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When you see her next just tell her how you feel and what you like e.g relationship etc... then you will know what she wants

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She is probably going to go out with you a few more times to gauge how things are going, then make a decision whether she wants to pursue things any further. You have to remember she has her own expectations at what pace she likes things to progress.....so don't expect her to accept it.

 

Now this is just my opinion but if I were in her shoes....I wouldn't see you again. Being suddenly turned down and told to slow things down, is a turn off. I like a man that is very sexually interested in me......remember ladies like to be desired.....lets hope you are creative enough to pull this off.

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Versacehottie
Thanks for calling my story refreshing! It's been a bit unconventional, I'll agree.

 

I also thought I'd take the opportunity to update everyone on how the situation is going.

 

I texted her tonight and asked "When is the next time you are free?"

 

She replied (within 20 minutes): "I'm free on Monday if you want to hang out."

 

Does her calling it "hanging out" mean she's not interested in me any longer? Or is that likely me worrying too much?

 

I replied: "Ok. Season two?" (I've been watching her favorite TV show both because we have the same taste and I want to be able to talk with her about it.)

 

What should I do from here? Just be silent until Monday? Should I try to strike up a text conversation? Should I worry that she's seeing some other guy this weekend? (I doubt she is. She juggles part time school and full time work.)

 

You're welcome. I do think it's refreshing that you can recognize that you have a great person in front of you but don't want to screw it up because the timing or pace is not right or ideal. Taking steps to navigate the timing and pace so you don't miss out on a great person is admirable and SMART. All it requires is open communication and honesty. Actually i think you can end up a stronger couple because of it. Sometimes I've seen that once you've had these conversations similar to yours, it kind of takes some pressure off and funny enough the relationship will actually come together faster and more bonded. Does that make sense?

 

Listen you are not the only guy who panics and f*cks up or runs away when all of sudden you realize there's a great girlfriend type person in front of you. I know soooooo many guys who do this--and enough women too so it's definitely a phenomena. With the people on this thread that have a different point of view and see this scenario as a negative, I respectfully disagree. To imagine every worthwhile relationship unfolds like a fairy tale in terms of timing and communication, it's just not realistic and not everything is so black and white and happens perfectly. Just depends how you view it. To have an open conversation, where they agree they are possibly moving too fast and lower their expectations is perfect in other ways.

 

There was just a thread in last week about the wording "hanging out". I think it's fine. She may have worded it like that to imply relaxed nature of what you are doing and to take pressure off. It may not have even been a conscious thing. It definitely isn't negative. Don't overthink. She said yes and wants to see you--that's what to take away from that conversation. I think about the other guy stuff, you just have to remain confident and look forward to your date. After all, you did say you want to scale back--these are some of the uncertainties that come with that. But like you said, I doubt she will have time to juggle all that. Basically try not to think about it too much. Maybe spending more time with her you will want to again decide to be bf/gf that's really your only guarantee that you won't have to worry about other guys. So you can't really have that part both ways. You just have to trust that you are doing the right thing. As for texting before Monday. I would just send a little something which doesn't necessarily require a response but lets her know she is on your mind. I would hold off on wanting a full blown, back and forth conversation to happen. That's the opposite of what you just said you wanted with her (see my point exactly, when you said you want to slow pace and thru good communication that happens, all of sudden pressure is off and you are actually more drawn to her). And as poster above suggested, text something on sunday or monday referring to the hanging out, confirming plans, etc.

 

Good luck, it's going fine. I think if you feelings are evolving then it doesn't hurt to talk about that in person when you see each other on monday.

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I agree with some of the posters above.

 

While you explained to us your intention behind "slowing down", some thought you were sweet but I think you did a horrible thing to this lady and likely you will lose her.

 

If a guy were all over me in the 1st place and suddenly he wanted to slow down, no matter what type of reasons he had behind this, I would see it as he wanted an EXIT.

 

Hearing something like this really hurts my emotions and feelings. It makes me feel like the guy didnt like me enough or find me attractive enough.

 

To be honest, if a guy is telling me what you were telling to this girl, I'll disappear the next day and you dont stand another chance to ask me out again for whatever reason!

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I don't think people who are telling me this understand how or why I slowed down things.

 

Long story short, I was shot in the knee a few years ago. (I used to work some dangerous federal work.) Sometimes, I have to go into the hospital to get checked out and have my knee drained. I had to go in last weekend.

 

When I say slow down I meant, I texted her that I had no expectations on her part, that I understood it was difficult to deal with, and if she wanted an out then she had one. I didn't just randomly slow things down. I was conscientious and courteous in the way I did it.

 

To the person who asked, she leaves interactions with me feeling sparked too. She's said so several times.

 

It's not like I woke up one day and told this girl: "Hey let's be friends." I took somebody who is very much interested in me and simply made sure that she knew that I didn't have any expectations on her part. It was the most adult thing I could think of to do. I'd rather she know how things are now then she feel pressured down the line. (She feels enough pressure between school and work.)

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regine_phalange
I don't think people who are telling me this understand how or why I slowed down things.

 

Long story short, I was shot in the knee a few years ago. (I used to work some dangerous federal work.) Sometimes, I have to go into the hospital to get checked out and have my knee drained. I had to go in last weekend.

 

When I say slow down I meant, I texted her that I had no expectations on her part, that I understood it was difficult to deal with, and if she wanted an out then she had one. I didn't just randomly slow things down. I was conscientious and courteous in the way I did it.

 

To the person who asked, she leaves interactions with me feeling sparked too. She's said so several times.

 

It's not like I woke up one day and told this girl: "Hey let's be friends." I took somebody who is very much interested in me and simply made sure that she knew that I didn't have any expectations on her part. It was the most adult thing I could think of to do. I'd rather she know how things are now then she feel pressured down the line. (She feels enough pressure between school and work.)

 

Thanks for explaining! Yes, then it was really thoughtful and sweet of you. :) Just careful not to sabotage something with potential.

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Hi loveshack board!

 

Here's my story. I will try to make it as simple as possible.

 

I started seeing a girl. We went on two dates. (And a third, makeout encounter.) There was a lot of chemistry and we were really compatible. Just really long talks. Lots of fireworks. After the third date, we both agreed we wanted to be in a relationship.

 

Long story short, I cut the reigns because I felt like we had rushed into things. (Because we had.) I made sure that she knew it wasn't anything about her, but that I just wanted to slow down.

 

Now, she hasn't had sex in two years. (So she really hasn't had any type of a relationship in a really long time.) So I'm expecting to a certain degree I hurt her when I slowed things down. (Which I think might have influenced her current response.)

 

I really really like this girl. She's one in a hundred. Just super cool. Beautiful. Amazing to be around. I leave her feeling sparked, which never happens. And truthfully, I'd rather she be my friend than we rush into a relationship and a month or two months later it fizzles out.

 

Today she texted me: "I appreciate you letting me know what's been going on with you. I'm still not sure about what I want at this point, but if you want to continue to hang out. I'm up for that. I think we moved a little too fast in calling it a relationship, though, so maybe we can try friends first and see what happens."

 

I replied "I totally agree." And I do. I'd like things to progress slowly with her. I want her to be comfortable. I don't want to scare or hurt her. (Which I think I did a bit by slowing things down.)

 

My goal is to get her to realize that we should be romantic but that we should take my time. My current game plan is to text her in a couple days and ask her to do something over the weekend. Is that the right move? I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to confuse her. I want to be the guy that she needs, and I want this to turn into something that's long lasting rather than a quick lay.

 

I don't know if you've already done this, but I think if you discuss your fears about going too fast, and maybe where they came from, you might be able to reassure her.

 

Just saying "we're going too fast and we might fizzle out" doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. I think you need to expand and expound on that theme just a little bit and state your intentions.

 

And for the record, it sounds like you ARE in a relationship, but are exploring slowly. You might wish to acknowledge that with her too.

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Thanks for explaining! Yes, then it was really thoughtful and sweet of you. :) Just careful not to sabotage something with potential.

 

Of course not. We've left it (as you can see from the first text exchange I showed) she's still trying to figure out dating/relationship/friends in her head. I told her once recently that I'd rather we work on actually building a strong foundation then letting chemicals run amok and jump into bed. And that's how I feel. Yeah, we likely do have a relationship. We just haven't called it something yet.

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I don't know if you've already done this, but I think if you discuss your fears about going too fast, and maybe where they came from, you might be able to reassure her.

 

Just saying "we're going too fast and we might fizzle out" doesn't inspire a lot of confidence. I think you need to expand and expound on that theme just a little bit and state your intentions.

 

And for the record, it sounds like you ARE in a relationship, but are exploring slowly. You might wish to acknowledge that with her too.

 

Good call, CPA. One of the very first romantic conversations we had, I explained that I don't rush into romance, I like to take my time, romance things, enjoy things, that I'm not on a headhunter's quest for a family album and a dishwasher. She agreed. We just let chemicals get in the way so rather than watch TV we ended up making out the entire time. Not that one is better than the other, but that's not a great recipe for a very good romance.

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I wanted to give everybody an update. She came over yesterday and we watched TV for four hours. I can tell by her body language that she likes me. Towards the end of things, I said something like "you know... about what happened." Her response was that she hasn't dated in quite some time, what I did was entirely acceptable, it's just she's has hasn't had a boyfriend in so long that the prospect of daily texting is a bit much.My game plan is going to be to not text first and let her come to me. That way she feels more comfortable and not like she's been thrown into something. Thanks for everybody's advice.

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