Scaatys2014 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He says "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". We get together ALOT, act like a couple, talk daily (almost always initiated by him). we have been through quite a bit together and I really love him. I'm just not sure how to process his words against his actions. Should I continue on status quo or try to move on? I was always told if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, but he treats me like we are in a relationship. Just confused..... Link to post Share on other sites
adiamond Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I sometimes hear people say like, the relationship title doesn't matter if you guys are together and exclusive. However, it matters to me. If I like someone, I want to feel wanted and I want that title because it would make me feel better. If someone loved me, they would want to make me feel comfortable and wouldn't hesitate with a simple bf/gf title. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He says "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". We get together ALOT, act like a couple, talk daily (almost always initiated by him). we have been through quite a bit together and I really love him. I'm just not sure how to process his words against his actions. Should I continue on status quo or try to move on? I was always told if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, but he treats me like we are in a relationship. Just confused..... If you don't know if you are in a relationship, you are not. Please take that seriously. When people are in relationships, they know. It's not a mystery or a surprise or something you decode or have to scratch off a ticket to find out or pull out of a fortune cookie to read. Most people asking this question are not in a relationship but are in some ambiguous arrangement and are hoping that it is more than what it is. When a man wants to be with you, he wants to take you off the market quickly and wants it KNOWN to you and everyone else that you're his GF....if that is not the case, as he said, he is fine with the way things are....you clearly aren't though, and saying he loves you means nothing, lots of people say that because they know it will keep the person in their place even though the actions and reality don't match the words. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I don't like that he said he does not want a relationship. That's a red flag. Missbee is right. When you are in a relationship, you know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soithascometothis Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Unless I'm reading this wrong, it doesn't seem like he is playing games with you. He literally told you "I'm just not ready for a relationship." I would take him at face value. You aren't in a relationship. I've been totally up front with girls before about how I was not looking for a relationship, and was more interested in just dating, and that never seemed to work out. It's understandable though, it sends mixed signals. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 The words freak some people out. How long have you been in this non-relationship? If it's less than 6 months, I'd be inclined to wait & see how things shake out. If more than a year, believe the words & make a decision accordingly: stay & deal or walk. Meanwhile, guard your heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". This is the only bit you need concern yourself with. No you are not a couple. You are serving his need for female companionship but you are not the love of his life. End it. You are going to get burnt, but at least if you do it now it will not be as bad as if you carry on and let yourself believe that its some sort of thing between you both. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Sorry OP but you are not in a relationship/aren't a couple, and he says so here ;- "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". Unless you want to waste a sizeable chunk of your life waiting to see if he will "come round", I'd end it now. You deserve a guy who is on board with you and is as committed as you are. Why not get out of this half-relationship and start looking for him ? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Unfortunately, you are merely a FWB. Loving someone who doesn't want to even be in a relationship is a futile exercise.. He may act like he is in a couple with you, but what he is saying here, "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you" is code for, "I want to be able to see and sleep with other women; you are not "the one" for me." He doesn't see you as relationship material. You just are keeping his bed warm, till he finds the love of his life. If you are happy with a FWB/casual relationship then fine, if not, move on as there is nothing for you here. Women seen as FWB by men, can rarely make the transition into a gf, don't waste your time trying. Sorry. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Yes, you are in a friends with benefits situation. It means that he reserves the right to stay open to other romantic options and he doesn't see a future with you. Best move would be to tell him that for your own good you need to move on and look for a man who wants a relationship with you. And then do it. And don't 'stay friends' 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He says "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". We get together ALOT, act like a couple, talk daily (almost always initiated by him). we have been through quite a bit together and I really love him. I'm just not sure how to process his words against his actions. Should I continue on status quo or try to move on? I was always told if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, but he treats me like we are in a relationship. Just confused..... Break up with him....after a few weeks without you, he may realize he "does" want to be in a relationship with you. Sometimes (not always) it takes a woman walking away for a man to realize how he truly feels and what he really wants (i.e. a "relationship"). But even if that doesn't happen, you are still better off walking away so you can find a guy who truly loves you and wants what you want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Also, when he tells you he loves you, but then tells you he does not want a relationship.... do you call him on that? I would! I would be like "honey you confuse me. On one hand you say you love me, but on the other hand, you say you don't want a relationship! WTH, that's a mixed message and confusing .... because when a person loves another person, or tells that person they love them, naturally they want to be in a relationship with that person. So what's really going on"? Communicate!! That's how you resolve issues! Link to post Share on other sites
barcode88 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 I think those 3 words should be coming after you start a relationship, not when you don't want one.... Lol. You're not a couple. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Oh you cooked pork for me! I like meat, but I'm just a vegetarian. But if I ate meat I'd eat your pork for sure. = I won't eat the pork you cooked for me. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scaatys2014 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks everyone. SO hard to read the responses but my gut was telling me the same thing. He deserves a Academy Award for his performance though. Romantic weekends away (his doing) and making me feel as if he really cared and maybe (just maybe) was changing his mind about us. I don't want to sound as if I'm giving him an ultimatum though, so how do I tactfully say, I want more, if you don't, I'm going to start dating again? Or do I just start ignoring him? How do you "dump someone" you aren't even in a relationship with?? Link to post Share on other sites
stellamaria Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Aww. He sounds like a fool. How can you love someone, sleep with them, treat them like a girlfriend, but not actually want the girlfriend label. He thinks he can do better than you. Let him go and try. It's never going to amount to a decent relationship with that attitude. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks everyone. SO hard to read the responses but my gut was telling me the same thing. He deserves a Academy Award for his performance though. Romantic weekends away (his doing) and making me feel as if he really cared and maybe (just maybe) was changing his mind about us. I don't want to sound as if I'm giving him an ultimatum though, so how do I tactfully say, I want more, if you don't, I'm going to start dating again? Or do I just start ignoring him? How do you "dump someone" you aren't even in a relationship with?? Nooo you don't ignore people! You both are adults so speak your mind. Be honest and open about what relationship you are looking for. I am in a place in my life where I want A-B-C, are you in? I dated this man for an entire year and he was still not giving me the type of relationship I was looking for. I told him: I want A-B-C, this is where I am in my life and this is the type of commitment I am wanting. Do you have it in you? He said yes but I knew better. So I named each and every thing I wanted. You will stay overnight? You will meet my kid? You will come with me to family dinners? You will introduce me to your children? You know what he answered? he said: Yes but I need time. I said NO. I have given you enough time. He had said yes to what I wanted but had no intention of delivering. He was just looking to drag it a little longer. Don't get caught with this one. And why do you see this as giving him an ultimatum? You give yourself an ultimatum because if you don't you will waste more of your precious time. Don't waste your time on a man that is sitting in between 2 chairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 How do you "dump someone" you aren't even in a relationship with?? Do exactly what BluEyeL said: Best move would be to tell him that for your own good you need to move on and look for a man who wants a relationship with you. And then do it. And don't 'stay friends' He will try to keep the deal going, because he's getting all the goodies of having a girlfriend without having to make a commitment. He might even concede to call you his girlfriend to keep you around for now. But if he really loved you, he already would have done that. I'd move on and not look back. Read in the breakup forum about going "No Contact". 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 He says "I love you, I'm just not ready for a relationship but if I were, it would be with you". We get together ALOT, act like a couple, talk daily (almost always initiated by him). we have been through quite a bit together and I really love him. I'm just not sure how to process his words against his actions. Should I continue on status quo or try to move on? I was always told if a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, believe him, but he treats me like we are in a relationship. Just confused..... It sounds like he enjoys all the benefits of a relationship but does not want to feel that he is tied to one woman. Is this satisfactory to you? If not, maybe you need to move out of this 'relationship'. As long as you are there participating in this convenient arrangement for him, he's not going to miss you and start to feel ready for a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 Thanks everyone. SO hard to read the responses but my gut was telling me the same thing. He deserves a Academy Award for his performance though. Romantic weekends away (his doing) and making me feel as if he really cared and maybe (just maybe) was changing his mind about us. I don't want to sound as if I'm giving him an ultimatum though, so how do I tactfully say, I want more, if you don't, I'm going to start dating again? Or do I just start ignoring him? How do you "dump someone" you aren't even in a relationship with?? Start to be busy elsewhere. If he questions you, kindly explain that you feel you ought to rekindle other friendships and hobbies and as you two are not in a relationship you have no ties. Link to post Share on other sites
Vintage79 Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 It's not a relationship yet - if you really want to be in one with him, just sit him down and tell him that, and if he doesn't want it, tell him you're going to move on, because a relationship is really important to you. One of the key aspects of a relationship is communication - it seems like you need to bust out those skills and just see where the cards fall, and be cognizant of the fact that there is a very good chance that the cards will not fall how you want them to (as he has effectively foreshadowed his answer). Note that this is will be a bifurcation - stay together or break-up, if you think you can deal with limbo a bit longer, it's likely best to hold off a bit to see if he warms up to the idea. Additionally, it may be worth talking to him about what he's working through, and why he doesn't want a relationship now - is it you (although he has suggested it's not), or is it some other aspect of his life. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scaatys2014 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 The hardest part for me is letting him go. It has felt like a relationship so I want to be honest, but, it hasn't been a relationship so going ahead and dating makes me feel like I'm cheating on him. I was asked out by another guy and felt stupid saying I'm kind of seeing someone. Guy says "isn't that like being kinda pregnant"? He was totally right but I just wouldn't feel right going out with someone else. I FEEL like we are a couple based on his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 The hardest part for me is letting him go. It has felt like a relationship so I want to be honest, but, it hasn't been a relationship so going ahead and dating makes me feel like I'm cheating on him. I was asked out by another guy and felt stupid saying I'm kind of seeing someone. Guy says "isn't that like being kinda pregnant"? He was totally right but I just wouldn't feel right going out with someone else. I FEEL like we are a couple based on his actions. Wow, I know exactly how you feel - you feel like you are in a relationship but technically it's not. I think one has to back off and go back to a place where you are not in a relationship in order to feel free enough to look at others instead. If he doesn't like this, tough! He should have snapped you up while you were available. You need to unravel the relationship threads. He may at some point decide he needs you and offer a proper relationship, when he feels you are disentangling yourself, but be sure that what he offers is the real deal and not just a way of keeping you entangled in a non-relationship. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I think those 3 words should be coming after you start a relationship, not when you don't want one.... Lol. You're not a couple. Totally! ,............ Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 You're not a couple. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship. It's nice he said if he did, it would be you, but that still doesn't explain why he doesn't want one with you. The only conclusion you can come to is he doesn't want any responsibility and just wants a no-strings situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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