I made a horrible mistake. how can I fix it?

[LostanConfused]

Helllo everyone. I am new to these forums, but I have been reading up on many stories and I created a huge problem for myself which I need guidance with.

 

I've been on a relationship with my girlfriend for a month and I have know her for 2 months. Things started off really good. I'm an extremely nice guy so I like to compliment her a lot and I text a lot since I like talking to her. Recently over the past 2 weeks I noticed she stopped texting as much, but is always on Facebook talking to friends which I don't mind. She brought up that she is going to a few parties coming up with friends and she will drink a lot and might get hungover, but said she was messing around about the hangover part. She goes to a college about an hour away and has lots of guy friends

 

I had problems in my 2 past relationships where I had complete trust in my partners and they lied and cheated on me. My fears and insecurities got ahead of me so I talked with a friend. She brought up that I should check her phone to see if anything was fishy. I discovered she was talking to old flings she met on a dating app but said they were only friends and she only wants me.

 

Next my friend said to download a text with a fake number and flirt with my girlfriend to see what happens. That failed and I drove out to see my girlfriend to be honest about everything. She said she wasn't mad or disliked me it just hurt her that I didn't trust her. We talked about it and she asked why so I told her everything. She forgave me and said we need to have trust in this relationship and we worked it out. I'm just wondering what can I do to make things better or any advice? Oh I'm 21 and she is 20. Thank you!

[YoGabba]

Old flings on a dating app? As in plural? Sorry bro, I can't buy that story.

[d0nnivain]

the lack of trust is a problem. But if you are suspicious of every woman you date, without cause you will ruin all of your relationships.

 

That said, in the case there was some evidence of questionable behavior. So it depends. Do you believe that these are "just" friends. Personally I think it's very hard to be just friends with people you previously dated / hooked up with.

 

Have you met any of these guys? Do you know if they know if you exist? Are you invited to any of these parties? If not then I would not be quick to believe her "it's all innocent" act.

[LostanConfused]

Yea they used to text each other and send nudes. She met him off that app tinder. I asked if they still talked and she told me that they are just friends and most the other people she talked to on that app she friend zoned because she was attracted to them I guess. It threw me off. I heard that some girls talk to ex's or past flings and are just friends. I want to trust her and that's why I did what I did

[Gary S]

You should not be sneaking her phone away to look at it, that's private, like a diary.

 

You have some trust issues and need to calm down, you will scare a good girl off with your sneaking and nagging.... women who have integrity and are in love with you are naturally monogamous. (but women under 27 years old, all bets are off).

 

Counseling can help you deal with your trust issue also.

[LostanConfused]

I never met these guys. They don't go to her school. She doesn't plan to meet up with them. All they do is text to say how are you and what is life. I'm not sure if they know she is in a relationship. If they know her on Facebook our relationship is posted there. I also can't go to the parties. I work, but she did ask me today if I could go with her and I have to see if I can make time with my work schedule.

[neowulf]

The thing to understand about jealously is it's rooted in fear.

 

The fear that you'll lose your partner.

 

The fear that your partner might prefer someone more than you.

 

The fear you're not enough for them, that they'll seek more else where.

 

All of the above are about your own insecurity.

 

People like to talk about how much they trust one another, but it's easy to trust when you're not being tested.

 

Real trust is when you're able to continue believing the best, even when your fears drive you to consider the worst.

[LostanConfused]

In the end we broke up. At first she was alright with how things were and didn't read into them much, but the more she thought the worse it got. I understand her point and wish i could redo things with her. She said she didn't want to force the relationship and she wanted to focus on school more. She did tell me I was the nicest guy to her and treated her well, i just made some really bad choices.

 

In the end she said she felt this was right and she didn't want this to be a goodbye. She said if we talked again once her semester is over since I will be attending the same school as her we might see how things go. I asked to give it time and to make it work, but i know i have no say for her feelings.

[Satu]

Snooping on her was a very bad idea.

 

Thats the same whether she was doing anything wrong or not.

[preraph]

You're both really young. When someone my age sees someone your age worrying about fidelity, sometimes we're just thinking that most people your age are not going to be with the person they're with now very long anyway. This is the age people go out and party and socialize and date around. Sounds like she's being fairly honest that that is what she's doing. If you had a commitment to exclusivity, then maybe you revisit that and see if both of you really want that. Just ask her if she feels she wants to be exclusive. Listen, college, there can be a lot of opportunities for meeting people. Unless you're both in the same college, it can be really easy for one or both of you to get distracted. See if she strongly wants to maintain exclusivity or not. If she does, you have to either believe her and set aside your suspicions and spying on her or you'll both be miserable. If you aren't having fun together and it reaches a point where it's just suspicions and conflict, it's not worth it at your age.