Is this a relationship?

[annadean]

Hi guys! I've been with a man for about 5 months or so, and he's my first for...a lot of things. I've only had two boyfriends in the past (during high school and college), and those relationships felt more like best friends who supported each other. To the point where breaking up wasn't that much of a heartache because we still are actual friends who tell each other everything.

 

I really like this current man I'm with, and he says we're in a relationship. But when I hear about what other friends and people are doing with their significant others, I kind of get uneasy. Since I lack so much previous "adult" relationship experience, could someone tell me if my boyfriend is just being selfish and taking advantage of my easygoing-ness? I'm 25, and he's 29.

 

- We see each other maybe three or four times a week.

- He texts me every day almost all day, but we don't ever speak on the phone.

- We hardly ever talk about deeper topics (i.e. life goals, etc.) When I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years, he gave me a convoluted response that said he didn't know (or didn't want to tell me).

- He still comes across as a bit of a single man i.e., he'll go out to bars with his friends. He says going out with girlfriends never turns out well, so we almost never go out together. When we do, we usually go back to his friends' place and have sex and stay the night.

- Sometimes, he doesn't tell me if he's out of town the weekend until I either ask him or the day before if I try to plan something.

- We pretty much always do the same things: dinner and movies (or walks in the park). Often, we just cuddle and watch Netflix at his place.

- He invites me over to his place a lot. We just do the above, have sex, and I spend the night.

- Sometimes, when we're leaving in the morning, he'll joke about waiting until the coast is clear before anyone sees him with me.

- He doesn't plan out "dates" ahead of time. I'm not sure if we even go out on full-fledged dates.

- I've met all his friends. Sometimes we all eat together.

- He's not big on PDA. Even holding hands is sometimes weird. He tends to walk faster than I do.

- We do have a great connection. He's the manliest and most intellectual, smartest man I've been with.

[Gaeta]

To me that sounds like a friend with benefits relationship.

 

Don't go on dates

Don't have long term or short term projects

Don't talk about feelings

Don't confine in each other

Don't show public affection

 

It's pretty much eat, sex, sleep. That is your whole life together.

[Yookie]

- He still comes across as a bit of a single man i.e., he'll go out to bars with his friends. He says going out with girlfriends never turns out well, so we almost never go out together.

 

I'd dump him for this reason alone. He's not acting like a boyfriend. He's treating you like a booty call.I would never continue to see someone that never wants to go out with me. He's basically showing you that all you're good for in his eyes is for sex and that's it. Your company isn't welcome unless he's horny.

[annadean]

I'd dump him for this reason alone. He's not acting like a boyfriend. He's treating you like a booty call.I would never continue to see someone that never wants to go out with me. He's basically showing you that all you're good for in his eyes is for sex and that's it. Your company isn't welcome unless he's horny.

 

Oh, no, I think that was misinterpreted. What I meant by "going out" in that context was going out to bars and clubs/nightlife. We never do that together. But we have been to festivals and he's come to my work functions. We went out to dinner for Valentines. And we don't always have sex every time we see each other. I always hear about new couples doing it multiple times every day, but we don't. So he doesn't always just reach out when he's horny. I think he enjoys the company, too.

 

So this sounds like just casual dating or friends with benefits? Definitely NOT a relationship?

[soithascometothis]

I became this guy (minus the sex) deep into my last relationship. I was just not into her anymore (I say that in the nicest way possible). No PDA, didn't feel like planning real dates (besides take out and netflix), became less interested in meaningful conversation etc. To be honest, you're probably just in a crappy relationship. By 29 guys are pretty set in their ways.

[Gary S]

I hear a lot of people are saying dump him, but hold the phone...i'm not convinced this is a bad relationship yet.

 

First you say:

He says going out with girlfriends never turns out well, so we almost never go out together.

 

but then you say:

 

- We pretty much always do the same things: dinner and movies (or walks in the park).

 

- So which is it? Does he take you out on a date night at least once a week, to dinner or a movie, or for a walk? I'll admit it would be better if there was more variety. But do you plan any date nights, come up with any ideas on your own? A relationship is a two-way street.

 

 

You say:

- He's not big on PDA. Even holding hands is sometimes weird. He tends to walk faster than I do.

 

But then you say:

 

- Often, we just cuddle and watch Netflix at his place.

 

You claim he does not give much affection, but then you say he cuddles with you. Do you initiate affection? Does he ever pull away from you? And when walking, you do realize he's probably taller than you and therefore has longer legs? Do you ever ask him to slow down?

 

- He texts me every day almost all day, but we don't ever speak on the phone.

 

- do you ever call him? I'll admit, texting is bad news, it's making dating and relationships difficult.

 

 

A lot of the other stuff seems normal to me. I'm not convinced this is a bad deal... I'd have to hear a lot more details about this relationship before I would judge it.

 

Let me ask you this.... how much do you love him now? If you could put a number on it, what would that number be? Now, after 2 months, 3, 4?

Edited March 4, 2015 by Gary S

[annadean]

I hear a lot of people are saying dump him, but hold the phone...i'm not convinced this is a bad relationship yet.

 

- So which is it? Does he take you out on a date night at least once a week, to dinner or a movie, or for a walk? I'll admit it would be better if there was more variety. But do you plan any date nights, come up with any ideas on your own? A relationship is a two-way street.

 

By the first "going out," I was referring specifically to nightlife. He doesn't think going out to bars and clubs together is a good idea, so he always ends up going with a bunch of his single guy friends. And sometimes they meet up with a group of younger college sorority girls or something. He texts with some of them. They clearly have crushes on him, but he texts with them, it feels like, for entertainment, and kind of just teases them.

 

I'll sometimes throw out an event that sounds interesting, and he'll be like, "Perhaps!" We've talked about going other places, but it hasn't happened. We've never done a trip or anything like that. Yes, he does take me out for a walk once a week lol. But is that a date night? We go to dinner and rent DVDs a lot. When we go for walks or food, he's constantly on his cell phone. I pointed it out and it helps to stop him, but he goes back to it. He's very attached to his phone. Takes it with him to the bathroom, too. lol

 

You claim he does not give much affection, but then you say he cuddles with you. Do you initiate affection? Does he ever pull away from you? And when walking, you do realize he's probably taller than you and therefore has longer legs? Do you ever ask him to slow down?

 

I meant he doesn't do PDA, as in public displays of affection. Of course he's all cuddly when we're over at his place. In public, he didn't hold my hand until I told him I would like him to sometimes. Then, he'll do it for about half a minute, then drop it. Or if he does it for longer, he's basically just kinda dragging me along. It feels like he's still walking alone, but carrying some sort of doll behind him lol.

 

- do you ever call him? I'll admit, texting is bad news, it's making dating and relationships difficult.

 

Yes, sometimes I'll give him a call. He's usually busy at work, so we tend to stick with texting. But I mean, he'll text constantly throughout the day.

 

 

A lot of the other stuff seems normal to me. I'm not convinced this is a bad deal... I'd have to hear a lot more details about this relationship before I would judge it.

 

Let me ask you this.... how much do you love him now? If you could put a number on it, what would that number be? Now, after 2 months, 3, 4?

 

Let me know if you'd like more details! I've grown to like him more and more the longer I've been with him, which usually happens for me. I know some people start to lose interest, but my interest always tends to increase. I don't love him right now, but I do really like him. There's just kind of something that makes me wonder about the relationship, though. When he met my friends, they told me afterward that his body language indicated he didn't seem to really care about me. But I mean, his texts and wanting to see me indicate otherwise to me.

[angel.eyes]

By the first "going out," I was referring specifically to nightlife. He doesn't think going out to bars and clubs together is a good idea, so he always ends up going with a bunch of his single guy friends. And sometimes they meet up with a group of younger college sorority girls or something. He texts with some of them. They clearly have crushes on him, but he texts with them, it feels like, for entertainment, and kind of just teases them.

 

Gee! No wonder he thinks it's a bad idea to include a "girlfriend" in the mix! I would imagine you would cramp his night out with his single buds and sorority crushers.

 

Honestly, the more you say, the worse it gets.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You'll have to decide for yourself how you want to be treated and what you'll tolerate. It's pretty telling that your friends volunteer that he doesn't care about you.

 

Do you feel like a priority in his life? Do you feel valued in this arrangement? What prompted you to post after five months of this treatment? Has something changed?

Edited March 4, 2015 by angel.eyes

[annadean]

Gee! No wonder he thinks it's a bad idea to include a "girlfriend" in the mix! I would imagine you would cramp his night out with his single buds and sorority crushers.

 

Honestly, the more you say, the worse it gets.

 

No one can tell you what to do. You'll have to decide for yourself how you want to be treated and what you'll tolerate. It's pretty telling that your friends volunteer that he doesn't care about you.

 

Do you feel like a priority in his life? Do you feel valued in this arrangement? What prompted you to post after five months of this treatment? Has something changed?

 

Ah, my friends have never wholly approved of any of my boyfriends, to the point where I wonder if they're just jaded lol.

 

I feel like an enjoyable part of his life, and with the way he's used to living in the past (partying and focusing on his own things), he's certainly made me more of a priority than any other girl. I guess the definition of priority is relative. He seems to have lots of fun with "party girls," which I'm not. I can't tell if my being different appeals to him or what. I posted after five months because by now, should the relationship be at another level? Ours has been fun and very enjoyable, but I feel like it's stagnated for some reason. Like, we could go another five months like this and...not end up at a higher state than how we were at the three month mark. Do you know what I mean?

[angel.eyes]

What do you want out of dating? Are you both after the same things when you date?

 

My sense is that you aren't based on this thread, and you're beginning to realize that. What are your thoughts on this?

[Gary S]

texting: yeah, the texting is a worldwide phenomenon, and people do it to much... it's one of the worst forms of communication... texting is better for random notices, like, "I'm running late", or "I'm leaving", not whole conversations. It's bad, but everybody is doing it, it seems, it's hard for me to single him out for this. At least with a call you get voice inflection, that's worlds apart.

 

 

I meant he doesn't do PDA, as in public displays of affection. Of course he's all cuddly when we're over at his place. In public, he didn't hold my hand until I told him I would like him to sometimes. Then, he'll do it for about half a minute, then drop it. .

 

Okay, I don't like that he drops your hand quickly, I'll admit, that's bad. Women need affection and romance like flowers need the rain. When he pulls away from you, that's a little rejection. Those can beat down your feelings for him. If it's bad enough, someday it can lead to breakup/divorce. I wish I were kidding.

 

Some women like PDA more than others. I had an 8 year relationship once with a woman who was heavy into PDA. It was a great relationship. She would even hold my hand when she was next to me at get togethers with family and friends. I fondly remember one time we were at her parent's house, and we were holding hands so much, it influenced her father to grab her mother's hand and hold it! So cute! I know to never pull away. But I'm a relationship writer, I'm supposed to know lol.

 

Well, going out to a resturant for dinner... I assume that's what you mean... that's a date night. The walks are technically a date. But I hear you... while it's okay for him to have a boys night out, just like you should nights out with your girlfriends, you probably would like to go out dancing once in awhile, go to an amusement park, the zoo, a weekend getaway, even a vacation with him.

 

Here's the good news. Is it a relationship? - Yes. Hey, it's certainly not just a booty-call, lol! If it was just a booty call, the texts, the walks, the dinners out, the PDA, and many other things would not be there.

 

Now for the bad news. He's a little weak in the romance and affection department. Obviously, he's not Don Juan, lol. Unfortunately, many guys are like this. The problem is, the number one thing guys want, even above sex, is to be comfortable. Unfortunately, part of that is laziness. What men need to understand is that relationships take some work... and romance and affection is part of that work.

 

 

 

 

I don't love him right now, but I do really like him. .

 

- Okay, this scares me. But I think you are wrong... what you may have never heard before, is that there are levels of love. I think you love him to some degree, you are just not head-over-heels for him. I mean, we usually don't kiss friends like we kiss lovers, right? But to be honest, you guys should be in the honeymoon stage of the relationship by now, or it will probably never happen.

 

There are two things you can do:

 

1) communicate with him - and I think you have been doing that.

 

 

2) If talking does not work, sometimes you have to use reverse psychology. You don't want to nag - the two things guys hate the most are nagging and disloyalty. What you might have to do is shock him.... stop answering his text or calls one day... or cut off sex. When you shock him like this, then he'll say, "What's wrong"? - that's your cue to have a calm serious discussion about the romance and affection you need from him. This is when he will be really open to listen to you and change. Then you can have makeup sex, and everything will be right as rain. If you have the guts to do it, that is. But think about it... shouldn't what he's doing, taking you for granted, make you mad? And if you were mad, would doing what I outlined sound like a natural reaction? It's okay to get mad. It's not what happens to us in life which is important, it's how we react that is.

 

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. For best results, it has to be their own idea (or at least they have to think it's their own idea, ha-ha!).

 

 

 

P.S. I don't like that he is texting all those club girls.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Gary S

[annadean]

Thanks for the insight, everyone!

 

What do you want out of dating? Are you both after the same things when you date?

 

My sense is that you aren't based on this thread, and you're beginning to realize that. What are your thoughts on this?

 

Your comment made me wonder, so we spent the night together, and I asked him about what he's looking for. He said he needed more time to think about commitment and wasn't looking for anything too serious, but he likes me and at this point in life, he wants someone steady and something that's fun and romantic.

 

What does that mean?

 

He told me his past relationships all lasted about six months (longest was a year which involved one break up midway, then the gf ended up cheating on him in the end), and when he was single, he'd have hook ups and stuff.

 

Now, seeing that he's 29, do men like this change? Can I believe that no-commitment relationships (are these relationships at all?) are his way of life now? Or is it just me and he'll be different with another woman?

 

To me, it sounds like he wants entertaining company and a steady hook up, a girl to play the part of a girlfriend. How can a man do this and not get attached? He's NEVER been in a serious relationship, and I don't know if it's because he hasn't met anyone he wants one with or if he is not looking for one at all with anyone.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Your comment made me wonder, so we spent the night together, and I asked him about what he's looking for. He said he needed more time to think about commitment and wasn't looking for anything too serious, but he likes me and at this point in life, he wants someone steady and something that's fun and romantic.

 

What does that mean?

 

It means he thinks you're fun and entertaining, but he doesn't want a committed relationship with you. He is enjoying your company for the moment.

 

He told me his past relationships all lasted about six months (longest was a year which involved one break up midway, then the gf ended up cheating on him in the end), and when he was single, he'd have hook ups and stuff.

 

In telling you this he is essentially warning you to keep your expectations in check. If he had wanted you to know he took you seriously, he would have said "but you're different" or something like that.

 

Now, seeing that he's 29, do men like this change? Can I believe that no-commitment relationships (are these relationships at all?) are his way of life now? Or is it just me and he'll be different with another woman?

 

To address your questions together: yes, not really, sort of. I have seen dozens of guys who lived their lives this way and swore they'd be bachelors forever until they met So-and-So and bam! Married within two years. It tends to happen in their late twenties or early thirties. It's not something you can control. If he doesn't want to commit after five months that's not going to change.

 

To me, it sounds like he wants entertaining company and a steady hook up, a girl to play the part of a girlfriend. How can a man do this and not get attached? He's NEVER been in a serious relationship, and I don't know if it's because he hasn't met anyone he wants one with or if he is not looking for one at all with anyone.

 

He evidently doesn't want one right now. That will probably change someday when Ms. Right waltzes into his life, but don't focus on that: the point is you aren't his Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now. It's not going to improve if you stick around. I advise you to break it off before you get any more attached. Start looking for a man who wants you and you alone.

[annadean]

It means he thinks you're fun and entertaining, but he doesn't want a committed relationship with you. He is enjoying your company for the moment.

 

In telling you this he is essentially warning you to keep your expectations in check. If he had wanted you to know he took you seriously, he would have said "but you're different" or something like that.

 

To address your questions together: yes, not really, sort of. I have seen dozens of guys who lived their lives this way and swore they'd be bachelors forever until they met So-and-So and bam! Married within two years. It tends to happen in their late twenties or early thirties. It's not something you can control. If he doesn't want to commit after five months that's not going to change.

 

He evidently doesn't want one right now. That will probably change someday when Ms. Right waltzes into his life, but don't focus on that: the point is you aren't his Ms. Right, but Ms. Right Now. It's not going to improve if you stick around. I advise you to break it off before you get any more attached. Start looking for a man who wants you and you alone.

 

Maybe I should break things off with him...It's so sad because I think we're more compatible together than any of the guys I've met before. It's sad he's not looking for commitment. Is it true that men like to have steady careers before they consider a serious relationship?

 

He has told me that he's never dated a "good girl" like me. Which makes me think he contemplates changing his ways. But I've never believed a woman can change a man, no matter how "right" or perfect she is for him. What you're saying is a woman CAN change a man. So changing is not a decision the man makes himself?

 

I'm not sure that he could turn around and all of a sudden be a perfect boyfriend...to anyone. If he's lived like how he is now for so long. I don't know...

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Is it true that men like to have steady careers before they consider a serious relationship?

 

No, not really. People may want to delay decisions like getting married if they aren't in the right place career-wise, but generally speaking that makes no difference. If someone wants to commit, they'll commit no matter what job they have.

 

What you're saying is a woman CAN change a man. So changing is not a decision the man makes himself?

 

No, you have it backwards. The man (or woman!) chooses to change. They look at the other person and they want to get married and have kids and go to PTA meetings and all that jazz they thought they'd never want. They never thought they wanted something serious before but with this person everything is different. There is no rhyme or reason to how this happens. It just does.

 

I'm not sure that he could turn around and all of a sudden be a perfect boyfriend...to anyone. If he's lived like how he is now for so long. I don't know...

 

Even when he does meet Ms. Right he's probably not going to be a perfect boyfriend, but it seems like he's been staying in casual relationships by choice. Again, that doesn't matter. He may say he's never dated a good girl like you before, but he doesn't want to make you his girlfriend. The fact that he's happily texting all kinds of girls and still goes out with his friends to flirt with other ladies should tell you where you stand. Unless you're okay being his FWB you should break it off in a friendly manner and wish him well.

[MissBee]

Hi guys! I've been with a man for about 5 months or so, and he's my first for...a lot of things. I've only had two boyfriends in the past (during high school and college), and those relationships felt more like best friends who supported each other. To the point where breaking up wasn't that much of a heartache because we still are actual friends who tell each other everything.

 

I really like this current man I'm with, and he says we're in a relationship. But when I hear about what other friends and people are doing with their significant others, I kind of get uneasy. Since I lack so much previous "adult" relationship experience, could someone tell me if my boyfriend is just being selfish and taking advantage of my easygoing-ness? I'm 25, and he's 29.

 

- We see each other maybe three or four times a week.

- He texts me every day almost all day, but we don't ever speak on the phone.

- We hardly ever talk about deeper topics (i.e. life goals, etc.) When I asked him where he saw himself in 5 years, he gave me a convoluted response that said he didn't know (or didn't want to tell me).

- He still comes across as a bit of a single man i.e., he'll go out to bars with his friends. He says going out with girlfriends never turns out well, so we almost never go out together. When we do, we usually go back to his friends' place and have sex and stay the night.

- Sometimes, he doesn't tell me if he's out of town the weekend until I either ask him or the day before if I try to plan something.

- We pretty much always do the same things: dinner and movies (or walks in the park). Often, we just cuddle and watch Netflix at his place.

- He invites me over to his place a lot. We just do the above, have sex, and I spend the night.

- Sometimes, when we're leaving in the morning, he'll joke about waiting until the coast is clear before anyone sees him with me.

- He doesn't plan out "dates" ahead of time. I'm not sure if we even go out on full-fledged dates.

- I've met all his friends. Sometimes we all eat together.

- He's not big on PDA. Even holding hands is sometimes weird. He tends to walk faster than I do.

- We do have a great connection. He's the manliest and most intellectual, smartest man I've been with.

 

All relationships will be different depending on the people and what they want out of it.

 

For me, I cannot be with someone where we never talk about deeper things, he goes out of town and doesn't mention it, I have no idea of their future aspirations and we can never speak on the phone. But that's ME and what I need.

 

The question is, what do you need? What does a relationship mean for you? What are you hoping to get out of this?

 

For me, what you describe would be more like my HS type relationships minus the sex. You like the person but it's a little aimless and not that deep. As an adult though my relationships have a lot more substance and are much more about me finding a man with depth, someone I can possibly marry, so it's more emotionally involved and we talk more about the relationship and our goals and such and it's not only okay we hang out and have sex and just go with the flow.

 

His jokes about not being seen with you would be concerning to me. What we "joke" about is itself telling. But it seems you're unsure or dissatisfied in some way and if you are, this is your life so you should know what you want. I don't think one needs to have had a million relationships to know what YOU want and need from one.

[Gaeta]

Hon, he doesn't want to take you out clubbing because he wants to appear single in front of the ladies. Also, you seem to put a lot of importance on the fact he text you a lot, it means nothing, you said yourself he is a big texter and he is hooked to his phone constantly, the fact he text you all day does not mean you are special in this case.

 

All these new information lead me to believe you are just a filler for the moment. Also, are you always the one going to his place?

[1040]

Now, seeing that he's 29, do men like this change?

 

He's NEVER been in a serious relationship

 

 

Men generally don't change all that much in my experience. You know the old saying "Women marry men hoping to change them and men marry women hoping they won't change. Both are disappointed."

 

No serious relationship ever is a red flag. Sometimes called "Peter Pan Syndrome."

 

His jokes about not being seen with you would be concerning to me.

 

Another red flag.

 

I don't like that he is texting all those club girls.

 

Agreed. Guys with supposed GFs who go out with their idiot friends and grind on party girls and flirt with them are not good material to work with.

 

It's sad he's not looking for commitment.

 

He has told me that he's never dated a "good girl" like me.

 

I'm not sure that he could turn around and all of a sudden be a perfect boyfriend...to anyone. If he's lived like how he is now for so long. I don't know...

 

He sounds like he is just floating along w/o aim. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you that you have found your answer.

Edited March 5, 2015 by 1040

[annadean]

 

The question is, what do you need? What does a relationship mean for you? What are you hoping to get out of this?

 

I'm definitely not looking for a husband--just the possibility of one (if that makes sense). I'd never be with someone I didn't see some sort of future with, but it doesn't necessarily have to be marriage. I want mutual caring, and now I'm not sure if he really cares about and respects me from what everyone here is saying.

 

Also, are you always the one going to his place?

 

95% of the time, when we visit each other in private, it's me going over to his place. He's come over to mine two times. He's also met my parents. When we go out to eat or anything, we usually wind up at his place for the night afterwards.

 

chimpanA-2-chimpanZ says that men can change suddenly for the right woman. I've read a lot about how a woman cannot change a man unless he wants to change himself. Does anyone have an opinion on this, too? Maybe it happens simultaneously... I guess I'm a little caught up on whether or not MY boyfriend can change. It's not up to me, but would he all of a sudden be ready to settle down and commit to the next girl for the RIGHT REASONS? (And not because she plays hard to get, etc.)

[Gaeta]

chimpanA-2-chimpanZ says that men can change suddenly for the right woman. I've read a lot about how a woman cannot change a man unless he wants to change himself. Does anyone have an opinion on this, too? Maybe it happens simultaneously... I guess I'm a little caught up on whether or not MY boyfriend can change. It's not up to me, but would he all of a sudden be ready to settle down and commit to the next girl for the RIGHT REASONS? (And not because she plays hard to get, etc.)

 

You don't ever stand by a man in the hope his feelings will develop. You break up with him and if you are meant to be together you will reconnect down the road when he is more mature.

 

Yes some players will change for the right girl but they change at the moment they meet that girl. They meet her and they have an epiphany. Men don't change in middle of relationship. They change when they meet 'the one'.

[preraph]

- Sometimes, when we're leaving in the morning, he'll joke about waiting until the coast is clear before anyone sees him with me.

 

 

And I'd dump him for this alone. A man is embarrassed to be seen with you, it's just sex and he doesn't want anyone to know he's that desperate.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

chimpanA-2-chimpanZ says that men can change suddenly for the right woman. I've read a lot about how a woman cannot change a man unless he wants to change himself. Does anyone have an opinion on this, too? Maybe it happens simultaneously...

 

It seems like you're misconstruing what I said. Anyone can change for any reason, if they want to. You asked whether people like him are stuck in this behavior pattern forever and I said no, because it's pretty common for men to hit their early thirties and realize they want something serious.

 

No one can change unless they want to. But someone can encounter someone else who makes them want to change. The "eternal bachelor meets beautiful sweet woman and wants to become an amazing guy just for her" trope goes all the way back to ancient Greece because it is real on some level. Like Gaeta said, when that happens, it happens very quickly---definitely not after five months.

 

I guess I'm a little caught up on whether or not MY boyfriend can change. It's not up to me, but would he all of a sudden be ready to settle down and commit to the next girl for the RIGHT REASONS? (And not because she plays hard to get, etc.)

 

The answer to your question is "no one knows". He may keep doing this no-strings-attached thing for the next twenty years or he may meet his dream girl tomorrow. That's not up to you. More importantly, it's not a reflection on your character or worth as a person. The issue here is that this guy already knows you and still does not want to be with you. He won't really hold your hand and jokes about not wanting to be seen with you. He wants the freedom to chase other women in case he likes them more. Aren't all of those things alone reason enough to let him go? Life is far too short to waste on people who won't cherish you.

Edited March 5, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

[travelbug1996]

Men commit when they have a reason to. He doesn't have a reason to since you're bringing the goods to him with no commitment and he only has to text you and take you to dinner every now and then. MOVE ON PLEASE before you get hurt.

 

Why would you introduce a guy (that you're not in an established relationship with) to your parents?

[annadean]

Why would you introduce a guy (that you're not in an established relationship with) to your parents?

 

We have established we're in a relationship. Unless he's lying...And he's the one who wanted to meet my parents. He also helped me and my roommate move to our new place. I thought we were well on our way to a great relationship. It just seems to be aimless now. We haven't progressed. One of my friends started dating a man when I started seeing mine, and now she's engaged!

 

The answer to your question is "no one knows". He may keep doing this no-strings-attached thing for the next twenty years or he may meet his dream girl tomorrow. That's not up to you. More importantly, it's not a reflection on your character or worth as a person.

 

Thank you. I am stuck with the feeling like, why am I not enough for him? Do you know what kind of woman is capable of changing a man? I know it's a bad question to ask. I'm just feeling low atm. And how long does it take for someone to realize they've met "the one"? Up to recently, I was entertaining the possibility that he might be.

 

And I'd dump him for this alone. A man is embarrassed to be seen with you, it's just sex and he doesn't want anyone to know he's that desperate.

 

I did call him out on that, and he apologized, saying it was just a joke. I believe him because he makes a lot of offensive jokes to people in general. They're usually taken aback and a little offended but somehow still end up hanging out with and really liking him. He's usually the leader and "life of the party."

[1040]

 

I am stuck with the feeling like, why am I not enough for him? Do you know what kind of woman is capable of changing a man?

 

I did call him out on that, and he apologized, saying it was just a joke. I believe him because he makes a lot of offensive jokes to people in general. They're usually taken aback and a little offended but somehow still end up hanging out with and really liking him. He's usually the leader and "life of the party."

 

You keep revealing more red flags. Please listen to what people are telling you.

 

If you have to hope, maybe, to change him someday so you can snag him, you are drowning and just grabbing at straws. It's hopeless.

 

It was not "just a joke." He's a passive-aggressive PITA jagoff. Repeatedly making offensive jokes to people is NOT ACCEPTABLE; that is not "life of the party." Does he use racial slurs? I bet he does. And if people make repeated jokes at my expense, I cut them off. Life is too short to put up with a-holes.

 

He sounds like he has the maturity level of a 15-year old.