This guy will not let go

[amkxoxo]

So I am in a small situation with a guy named Nick I met years ago. We met the first few days of being in college and he immediately showed interest in me. I thought he was nice, but found him very clingy and desperate, so I never showed interest back. I ended up dating someone else I met for a month, but that didn’t work out due to his wanting a serious relationship so quickly. I had just gotten to college and was still meeting people and finding my way around college. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I wanted to see what was out there. As soon as I was single again, Nick continued to try and pursue me. He would text me all the time, and even when I would not answer, he would continue to text me day after day. If someone doesn’t answer you, that should be a clear sign, they do not want to talk. He would text me “Hey”, then the next day ask “hey what are you doing?” and then days later another “hey what’s up?” all of which went unanswered by me. I was not interested. One time he even went as far as texting “are you there?” I am clearly not there since you get no answer.

 

When Nick saw me in person he would give me the biggest hug and act like we were old buddies. He started hugging my roommate too, acting like they were friends, when she didn’t know him at all. I was in a theatre group that often performed around campus. He would try and ask me when my performances were, so he could come. When I didn’t even want him to come. If I want you to come, trust me, you would know when, where, how…the whole shebang. I would try and play it cool and pretend I didn’t know until last minute so he wouldn’t show up. He would tell me how great I was at acting and singing, when he never even saw me perform. Stuff like this bothers me. It makes you seem desperate and clingy. When we texted he would tell me how great I was and how beautiful I was. He didn’t even know me. I could be a totally crazy girl. He didn’t care. He liked me.

 

He would ask me out all the time and I would make excuses. Hold him off. He started noticing people I was hanging out with. One time I told him I was going to dinner with a friend, when he asked me to go with him. I didn’t want to tell him who it was. He immediately said “Oh dinner with Kevin.” He clearly knew I was friends with Kevin. Kevin and I were only friends, but Nick must have noticed we spent a lot of time together. Nick asked me out one time and I finally was done with making excuses. I told him I was not interested in a relationship. (I meant with him), but he was even so desperate at that point that he said “well we don’t have to be official or anything, but we could still do stuff.” At this point he was okay with me being his ****k buddy. I was not. I cut him off even more. He compared me to his mother. If we knew each other well and I liked him, this would have been cute, but he barely knew me. He texted me a month after my birthday to start a conversation. I unfortunately answered. He then was trying to convince me to come down to his dorm room because he got me a birthday present and had been waiting to give it to me. I was so put off. I politely told him I didn’t feel right accepting his gift and that I appreciate his kind gestures, but I was not interested.

 

My second year of college, Nick was still pestering me. Texting me, wanting to hangout. He would text me randomly during the summer. He would try and get to know me, but it would always lead to him asking me out. I knew his pattern at this point. Nick had bad anxiety and ADHD. He was very high strung sometimes. He had a rough time medically freshmen year. He then claimed that I saved him. I helped him so much that first year. I barely talked to him and tried to avoid him when I could. This was so weird.

 

He invited my roommate and I over one time to hang out with him and his roommate. It seemed innocent enough, so we went just to seem nice. The school then announced we had to evacuate because of what we call a ‘southern storm’. I wasn’t in a rush since we had a whole day to leave. Nick kicked us out. It was so strange. I knocked on his door to give him back something he let me borrow. He was still rushing around packing his things. His roommate was cool as a cucumber. Nick took what I brought back, gave me a hug and proceeded to go into the other room, again practically kicking me out. His roommate and I proceeded to talk casually in the door way for a while. Minutes later Nick came out and saw that I was still there. He made a strange face, almost shocked to still see me. He pushes past his roommate gives me another hug and practically closes the door on me. It was so weird. I don’t know if he was jealous I was talking to his roommate. I wasn’t interested in either of them. His roommate was weird too.

 

I had a theatre show a while later on campus. I wasn’t performing this night though, since I had been sick and not able to learn the piece. After the show I get a text from Nick saying how great I was. I then let him know I wasn’t on stage that night. So clingy. I was flattered he liked me enough o compliment me on something I enjoy doing. He appreciated that I liked it, but I actually like that you show interest in it. Be real with me.

 

He must have started telling his friends about me, which was creepy. One day I was walking around with my roommate. He and a bunch of his friends were sitting at a table outside. I pretended to not see him and talk to my roommate. Suddenly my name seems to be coming from everywhere. I turn around and all of his friends are chanting my name pointing at Nick. Everyone around was looking at me. It was so weird and embarrassing. They all kept pointing “hey look its Nick.”

 

I was so embarrassed. I waved and said hi and my roommate and I quickly power walked the other direction. My roommate was creeped out by it too. Like you have your friends trying to get my attention too. So strange. Like what did he tell his friends, “I’m in love with this girl and she ignores my text messages.”

 

Again I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, or if I did, I wouldn’t respond. I would respond sometimes. I felt too mean not to. He was so nice to me. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for a long time. One time he had a girlfriend. He met her in his hometown. She had the same name as me, and was very similar to me. Super creepy. Apparently, I heard she cheated on him and dumped him because he was too clingy. As soon as he was single again, he would start texting me and trying to be best friends, aka date me.

 

Junior year I barely saw him and he seemed to lay off. I would get a text every few months, not answer, and then he would fade away. I met a great guy who I fell head over heels for. He appreciated my stage shows and would show up to see me and actually watch me. He even recited certain lines ot me that he liked that I performed. This was the kind of guy I wanted. I wanted something serious for once with this man, but unfortunately this guy wasn’t sure. He had gone through a bad breakup literally right before he met me, and wanted to be single. He and I hit it off really well, but the timing was very bad. It ended with us going back and forth for months on end, until it ended with me heartbroken over his disappearance from my life. I was the desperate, crazy, head over heels, blind in love, people pleasing, chaser in this relationship, when I should have been strong and walked away. Atleast I got to know him. I didn’t just tell him he was amazing and we should date. We got to know each other and develop feelings for each other. We occasionally talk and I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. We got extremely close and I cannot forget that.

 

As a senior I casually dated a few different people. One guy was too immature and a push over so I let him go. Another guy was a total jerk, who just wanted to sleep with me and get drunk all the time. The last guy was the perfect man. Smart, funny, attractive, chivalrous, and kind. We were good together. Unfortunately he got accepted into a special program far away and couldn’t pass it up. Thus here I am graduated and working at my college, single.

 

A few months ago I ran into Nick on campus. We talked and it wasn’t really anything serious. I figured he was clear on where we stand by now since it had been years. Boy was I wrong. He started texting me a lot after we talked. I had to resume my ignoring his text messages. Finally the other day I answered him. I didn’t want to be mean. He said he was coming to town and wanted to know if he could see me. I friend zoned him and said “sure I don’t mind catching up with friends.” How much more clear can I make this? I am not interested. I feel so bad. I give him chance after chance. He then responds. “well I really saw it as a date than us just catching up.”

 

I haven’t responded, but I think I need to. It’s been four years of his off and on pursuit of me. If I liked you, I had four years to prove it. I haven’t. I do not want to go out on a date with him, but I don’t want to be mean. I don’t know what to say to him. If my ex came back tomorrow I would run back to him and leave Nick in the dust.

[wb1988]

Longest post ever.

[Zahara]

When you deal with people like him, you need to implement a strict boundary. No engaging under any circumstance. Instead, he asks to meet you, you say as friends, he says it's a date -- then you get upset and can't understand why he can't get the picture. He hasn't gotten the picture since DAY ONE! Don't send out mixed signals. No means no. Don't accept invitations to hang out, meet, coffee, etc.

[EgoJoe]

You and Nick have poor personal boundaries. You're the only person you can control though. Tell him no and then tell him why.

 

 

For the record. You're guilty of enabling this behavior.

[Zahara]

I wanted to add. Rather disturbing that he complimented you on your performance when you weren't even performing. He's either mental or a clever manipulator. Whatever he may be, it's time you stop engaging with this guy, even out of politeness.

[Gary S]

The problems is, you keep giving in, occasionally replying to him and being friendly, feeding him crumbs. All that does is egg a stalker on. Stop being so nice and cut contact, ignore this guy, change his name on your phone to Telemarketer, don't answer his calls, and delete texts, don't even read them. Block his number if you have to.

 

Don't play with stalkers and people with mental problems. Let them play with somebody else.

 

It's not about being mean. It's about not encouraging bad behavior with people who have problems.

[katiegrl]

Is there a Readers Digest condensed version of this somewhere?

[mightycpa]

Nick doesn't know how to act. You don't know how to act around Nick. He thinks you're Jenny and he's Forrest. Just like Jenny, you need to put Nick out of his misery ASAP. Either that, or put up with his quirkiness and be a good sport about it and just remind him every once in a while that you and he are just pals.

[fitnessfan365]

Longest post ever.

 

Haha.. Gotta agree with this. Is there a cliff note's version?

 

Is there a Readers Digest condensed version of this somewhere?

 

Hahaha.. More evidence that we have the same sense of humor. If you're not hot, I'll be truly disappointed.

[jwhite]

It almost seems like you have feelings for him bc you took the time to write this giant post about the guy in the Dating section no less. You should at least try it to see how it ends up. Sounds like a good story for a film

[rester]

"I'm sorry, but I'm not interested."

 

Then block his number and never respond to anything from him again. He's got really poor boundaries but you should never have agreed to meet up with him. For your own sanity, you need to set stricter boundaries with people like that.

[GemmaUK]

You like the attention.

Otherwise you would have stopped this 4 years ago and stopped it dead.

[lollipopspot]

I figured he was clear on where we stand by now since it had been years. Boy was I wrong. He started texting me a lot after we talked. I had to resume my ignoring his text messages. Finally the other day I answered him. I didn’t want to be mean. He said he was coming to town and wanted to know if he could see me. I friend zoned him and said “sure I don’t mind catching up with friends.” How much more clear can I make this? I am not interested. I feel so bad. I give him chance after chance. He then responds. “well I really saw it as a date than us just catching up.”

 

I haven’t responded, but I think I need to. It’s been four years of his off and on pursuit of me. If I liked you, I had four years to prove it. I haven’t. I do not want to go out on a date with him, but I don’t want to be mean. I don’t know what to say to him.

 

One of the problems is that you think that setting a boundary is being "mean." You need to, with this guy.

 

"I'm not intersted in a relationship with you, let's skip the meeting." Then stop responding to him. I'd have a hard time with that, and might do another text or two, but really that's not best.

 

As for posters who think you "like the attention" or you would have stopped this long ago, I don't agree. I think this is a skill, and a mindset, and you believe that you have to be "nice" all the time. I understand that and a lot of women are socialized that way. But you need to be clear with this guy for your sanity and for his too.

[LifeandPerseverance]

So I am in a small situation with a guy named Nick I met years ago. We met the first few days of being in college and he immediately showed interest in me. I thought he was nice, but found him very clingy and desperate, so I never showed interest back. I ended up dating someone else I met for a month, but that didn’t work out due to his wanting a serious relationship so quickly. I had just gotten to college and was still meeting people and finding my way around college. I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I wanted to see what was out there. As soon as I was single again, Nick continued to try and pursue me. He would text me all the time, and even when I would not answer, he would continue to text me day after day. If someone doesn’t answer you, that should be a clear sign, they do not want to talk. He would text me “Hey”, then the next day ask “hey what are you doing?” and then days later another “hey what’s up?” all of which went unanswered by me. I was not interested. One time he even went as far as texting “are you there?” I am clearly not there since you get no answer.

 

When Nick saw me in person he would give me the biggest hug and act like we were old buddies. He started hugging my roommate too, acting like they were friends, when she didn’t know him at all. I was in a theatre group that often performed around campus. He would try and ask me when my performances were, so he could come. When I didn’t even want him to come. If I want you to come, trust me, you would know when, where, how…the whole shebang. I would try and play it cool and pretend I didn’t know until last minute so he wouldn’t show up. He would tell me how great I was at acting and singing, when he never even saw me perform. Stuff like this bothers me. It makes you seem desperate and clingy. When we texted he would tell me how great I was and how beautiful I was. He didn’t even know me. I could be a totally crazy girl. He didn’t care. He liked me.

 

He would ask me out all the time and I would make excuses. Hold him off. He started noticing people I was hanging out with. One time I told him I was going to dinner with a friend, when he asked me to go with him. I didn’t want to tell him who it was. He immediately said “Oh dinner with Kevin.” He clearly knew I was friends with Kevin. Kevin and I were only friends, but Nick must have noticed we spent a lot of time together. Nick asked me out one time and I finally was done with making excuses. I told him I was not interested in a relationship. (I meant with him), but he was even so desperate at that point that he said “well we don’t have to be official or anything, but we could still do stuff.” At this point he was okay with me being his ****k buddy. I was not. I cut him off even more. He compared me to his mother. If we knew each other well and I liked him, this would have been cute, but he barely knew me. He texted me a month after my birthday to start a conversation. I unfortunately answered. He then was trying to convince me to come down to his dorm room because he got me a birthday present and had been waiting to give it to me. I was so put off. I politely told him I didn’t feel right accepting his gift and that I appreciate his kind gestures, but I was not interested.

 

My second year of college, Nick was still pestering me. Texting me, wanting to hangout. He would text me randomly during the summer. He would try and get to know me, but it would always lead to him asking me out. I knew his pattern at this point. Nick had bad anxiety and ADHD. He was very high strung sometimes. He had a rough time medically freshmen year. He then claimed that I saved him. I helped him so much that first year. I barely talked to him and tried to avoid him when I could. This was so weird.

 

He invited my roommate and I over one time to hang out with him and his roommate. It seemed innocent enough, so we went just to seem nice. The school then announced we had to evacuate because of what we call a ‘southern storm’. I wasn’t in a rush since we had a whole day to leave. Nick kicked us out. It was so strange. I knocked on his door to give him back something he let me borrow. He was still rushing around packing his things. His roommate was cool as a cucumber. Nick took what I brought back, gave me a hug and proceeded to go into the other room, again practically kicking me out. His roommate and I proceeded to talk casually in the door way for a while. Minutes later Nick came out and saw that I was still there. He made a strange face, almost shocked to still see me. He pushes past his roommate gives me another hug and practically closes the door on me. It was so weird. I don’t know if he was jealous I was talking to his roommate. I wasn’t interested in either of them. His roommate was weird too.

 

I had a theatre show a while later on campus. I wasn’t performing this night though, since I had been sick and not able to learn the piece. After the show I get a text from Nick saying how great I was. I then let him know I wasn’t on stage that night. So clingy. I was flattered he liked me enough o compliment me on something I enjoy doing. He appreciated that I liked it, but I actually like that you show interest in it. Be real with me.

 

He must have started telling his friends about me, which was creepy. One day I was walking around with my roommate. He and a bunch of his friends were sitting at a table outside. I pretended to not see him and talk to my roommate. Suddenly my name seems to be coming from everywhere. I turn around and all of his friends are chanting my name pointing at Nick. Everyone around was looking at me. It was so weird and embarrassing. They all kept pointing “hey look its Nick.”

 

I was so embarrassed. I waved and said hi and my roommate and I quickly power walked the other direction. My roommate was creeped out by it too. Like you have your friends trying to get my attention too. So strange. Like what did he tell his friends, “I’m in love with this girl and she ignores my text messages.”

 

Again I wouldn’t hear from him for a while, or if I did, I wouldn’t respond. I would respond sometimes. I felt too mean not to. He was so nice to me. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for a long time. One time he had a girlfriend. He met her in his hometown. She had the same name as me, and was very similar to me. Super creepy. Apparently, I heard she cheated on him and dumped him because he was too clingy. As soon as he was single again, he would start texting me and trying to be best friends, aka date me.

 

Junior year I barely saw him and he seemed to lay off. I would get a text every few months, not answer, and then he would fade away. I met a great guy who I fell head over heels for. He appreciated my stage shows and would show up to see me and actually watch me. He even recited certain lines ot me that he liked that I performed. This was the kind of guy I wanted. I wanted something serious for once with this man, but unfortunately this guy wasn’t sure. He had gone through a bad breakup literally right before he met me, and wanted to be single. He and I hit it off really well, but the timing was very bad. It ended with us going back and forth for months on end, until it ended with me heartbroken over his disappearance from my life. I was the desperate, crazy, head over heels, blind in love, people pleasing, chaser in this relationship, when I should have been strong and walked away. Atleast I got to know him. I didn’t just tell him he was amazing and we should date. We got to know each other and develop feelings for each other. We occasionally talk and I still have a soft spot for him in my heart. We got extremely close and I cannot forget that.

 

As a senior I casually dated a few different people. One guy was too immature and a push over so I let him go. Another guy was a total jerk, who just wanted to sleep with me and get drunk all the time. The last guy was the perfect man. Smart, funny, attractive, chivalrous, and kind. We were good together. Unfortunately he got accepted into a special program far away and couldn’t pass it up. Thus here I am graduated and working at my college, single.

 

A few months ago I ran into Nick on campus. We talked and it wasn’t really anything serious. I figured he was clear on where we stand by now since it had been years. Boy was I wrong. He started texting me a lot after we talked. I had to resume my ignoring his text messages. Finally the other day I answered him. I didn’t want to be mean. He said he was coming to town and wanted to know if he could see me. I friend zoned him and said “sure I don’t mind catching up with friends.” How much more clear can I make this? I am not interested. I feel so bad. I give him chance after chance. He then responds. “well I really saw it as a date than us just catching up.”

 

I haven’t responded, but I think I need to. It’s been four years of his off and on pursuit of me. If I liked you, I had four years to prove it. I haven’t. I do not want to go out on a date with him, but I don’t want to be mean. I don’t know what to say to him. If my ex came back tomorrow I would run back to him and leave Nick in the dust.

 

This guy is quickly passing the line from uncomfortable to unhealthy. Block his phone number, even if you have to go on your cell phone carrier's website to do it. Why haven't you blocked him? Then block on all social media.

[preraph]

Gavin de Becker, security expert to the stars, wrote, "People who can't say no attract people who won't let go." Nothing could be truer.

 

This guy is a stalker. The only way to get rid of one where they leave voluntarily is when they get focused on someone else, which is why he disappeared for that period of time making you feel safe again. But now she's probably blockaded him out and gotten four Rottweilers or a gun, now guess what, he remembers you also make a good object of obsession.

 

You're playing with fire if you keep feeling sorry for him and encouraging him, and that is what you're doing, because you know full well he is obsessed with you. So you need to brick yourself in and block him every way imaginable and have ZERO contact. Do not answer the 100th text, do not cave in and give him an explanation. If you want to write him one text or email (and keep a copy for legal purposes just in case), make it short: "I am ot interested in any type of relationship with you and never will be. I want no further contact with you." That's it. That's the last time you acknowledge him. If he tries to approach you in person, tell him to stay away. If he doesn't, call police.

[lollipopspot]

L&P, just a heads up, but moderators do not like it when you quote a whole wall of text like that, when just your post would suffice.

[kendahke]

Why have you not blocked Nick?

 

Go download Privacy Star app for your cell phone and use it to block Nick.

 

It really makes no sense that you keep giving him an audience, then complain that you don't want to be bothered with him. You're going to have to be laser direct with him "Look, I'm not interested in anything with you--not even friendship. Stop contacting me and leave me alone" is what you clearly need to say to him.

[venusishername]

So I am in a small situation with a guy named Nick I met years ago.

With all due respect, this is no "small situation". I read Preraph's post and I agree with him 100%. I disagree with nearly all the other posters who said you must like the attention, or just tell him you're not interested.

I wanted to thank your for sharing your story. Your gut feeling that this is inappropriate and 'creepy' as you say is DEAD ON. I repeat: DEAD ON.

It takes courage to write about these things, so I applaud you.

 

I was a stalking victim and it went on for several years. The law got involved. He's now in jail and has been on and off for about 4 years now. He went to jail the first time when I stopped being nice. I reported him to the police and filed a restraining order. That was only the beginning and it took all the courage I could find to do that and continue doing it too.

I don't mean to scare you. I just want to help, and let you know I can relate to you.

 

It didn't happen to me the same way you describe, but there are many important similarities. Let me explain:

It's about you putting up clear boundaries (which you have tried to do, but need to work on getting better) and the other person having zero respect or consideration for those boundaries.

It's about telling someone you're not interested in having ANY kind of relationship with them, and they try to FORCE one on you anyway. Like you explained, you told him you weren't interested, notice how he tried to get you to be friends, then it was a f buddy you say, now years late it's as a date again. Interesting. Sounds like you've held firm to what you're interested in (nothing) and he's attempted to be your friend, f buddy, date, whatever he can get. He doesn't CARE what kind of relationship is between you: so long as he can keep a connection to you. This means he gets what he wants: a relationship with you.

And you get what you DON'T want: a relationship with him. (This is the most chilling part of stalking. It literally gives me goosebumps.)

I read the book Preraph mentions, the author Gavin De Becker. It's called 'The Gift of Fear'. It's about trusting your instincts and intuition. You might want to pick it up. Both the book and your instincts.

 

So long as you allow yourself (yes, you are allowing yourself) to be tied to him, he will have the relationship with you....

that YOU don't want.

 

It's about someone showing up in your personal and social situations unexpectedly, uninvited. (like at your shows, and with your friends).

It's about obsession. I know all about everything I wrote above from personal experience, so I greatly emphasize with you.

 

A few months ago I ran into Nick on campus. We talked and it wasn’t really anything serious. I figured he was clear on where we stand by now since it had been years. Boy was I wrong. He started texting me a lot after we talked. I had to resume my ignoring his text messages. Finally the other day I answered him. I didn’t want to be mean. He said he was coming to town and wanted to know if he could see me. I friend zoned him and said “sure I don’t mind catching up with friends.” How much more clear can I make this? I am not interested. I feel so bad. I give him chance after chance. He then responds. “well I really saw it as a date than us just catching up.”

This is very concerning to me because you mentioned now you are single. I urge you to tell your family and friends about this. Can you talk to your father or brother, or maybe a father figure? Can you talk to some male friends or your school counselor? Please do. I'm actually urging you to. It would be best that you tell someone in authority because they will know what to do.

I don't mean to scare you. But it's time that you say something. It's been 4 years and it won't improve, as you now see. Your gut feeling is correct.

 

I'm referring to your bolded words above.

Yes, you would figure a normal person who respected boundaries would figure it out after years. You need to understand once and for all this person is not normal and you can't reason with him either by giving him chance after chance as you say you have. A quote that summed up my feelings about this with my situation was "you can't bargain with the devil".Think about it.

 

 

It's great that you ignored his messages at first. That's a good start. But why haven't you blocked his number? Then you wouldn't get bothered by him at all and be tempted to respond when he persists. At this point, you have to block him.

 

Because you responded to him.

 

And no. You did not "friend zone" him. Cut that word out of your vocabulary with this person. You cannot be his friend. He won't accept that. You cannot be his girlfriend. He won't accept that. You can't be a girl that he knows just as an acquaintance, either... because in reality that's what you actually are. He won't accept that.

Again, he won't accept any kind of relationship that you are willing to have with him.

He's the one who decides what the relationship will be.

 

I haven’t responded, but I think I need to. It’s been four years of his off and on pursuit of me. If I liked you, I had four years to prove it. I haven’t. I do not want to go out on a date with him, but I don’t want to be mean. I don’t know what to say to him.

No you don't need to respond. You block his number and report Nick's four years of ongoing behavior to your male friends/family/counselor and/or the police. Make sure it's someone you can trust. Doesn't have to be a male. I just think men are more protective and reactive when a woman approaches them with these types of situations involving another male. Just tell someone. I would recommend the police, but you have nothing to use as evidence against him without a restraining order.

Just tell someone in authority that you can trust.

 

It's time to put on your big girl panties, and stop being nice. The nice gloves need to come off right now. Nice gets you nowhere with people like this. As long as you are trying to appease and not upset him, he's going to continue. Trust me a million times over.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING TO HIM. You have nothing to feel "bad" about. Can you tell me what it is that makes you feel bad? Are you afraid that if you aren't nice, he and others will think you are a mean girl?

 

It took me being a victim of stalking and harassment for over three years by my ex boyfriend to never be afraid to stand up for myself again. That meant I had to stop being nice. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but the best thing I ever did for myself. In fact, it made me the woman I am today and I love that part of who I am, despite how painful it was for me to become.

 

Please keep us posted.

Edited March 4, 2015 by venusishername

[katiegrl]

Haha.. Gotta agree with this. Is there a cliff note's version?

 

 

 

Hahaha.. More evidence that we have the same sense of humor. If you're not hot, I'll be truly disappointed.

 

Okay I'll bite. Think Heather Locklear ten years ago. I get compared to her ALOT.