Lunch with Ex - should I tell my BF?

[alliemai]

This is my first post, so bear with me..

 

I have been with my boyfriend only for 4 months. We are really happy together. The only thing that is sometimes a problem is when there is the talk about my ex. My boyfriend is a bit jealous of him, so whenever my ex comes up in a conversation, I can tell my boyfriend feels really uncomfortable.

 

My last relationship before this one lasted one year. It was a mutual break up as my ex and me realised we were not a good fit, however, we remained friends, or at least are trying to be, because we do appreciate each other as people, we just weren't meant to be together. The relationship was not a bad one, and there is no resentment on either side.

 

So, since I started dating my new boyfriend I have seen my ex once only to catch up, and I had told my boyfriend about it and he showed some jealousy but I don't think he wanted to admit it completely.

He has, however, mentioned at times that he sometimes thinks that he can't compete with my ex. This is completely ridiculous, of course because my boyfriend is the most wonderful partner I have ever had, and we are a wonderful match, he is attentive and loving and caring and honest and we have a lot in common. My ex was quite built well, the assertive and confident type, where as my current boyfriend is more average built and more the 'sensitive' kind of guy (thankfully). Maybe thats why he feels a bit intimidated, and I don't like that he does.

 

I want to tell him that I have lunch with my ex next week. But at the same time, I wonder if it is necessary to give him 'an idea' that will roam through his head all day, these jealous thoughts he might have. I mean, it is just a 1-2 hour lunch in the city, just to catch up.

 

Do you think I could 'get away' with just not mentioning it (or saying I had lunch with a friend, if he asks what I did during the day), or is that really bad? I have thought about this a lot this week and I feel like I just don't want him to feel jealous when there is no need to be jealous.

 

But lying is not a good basis, i realise. And I wish there was a way that I could take away his insecurities regarding my ex. He is not jealous in any other regards, just really focused on my ex. Not sure why.

 

Hope you can give some helpful tipps regarding this.

Just to make it clear, I have no more feelings for my ex-boyfriend. It is also the first time I am friends with an ex, but I am happy things did not end badly, of course, and that we still get along well. He's important to me as a person and I don't see why I should not be friends with him just because my boyfriend is jealous.

[soyou]

Why dont you take your new boyfriend together with you?

It's the chance for you to show him that there is nothing to hide between you and your ex and showing him to your ex will give him for confidence in your relationship.

[Toodaloo]

Why do you feel the need to see your ex and go out with him? Are you in the same social group or something?

 

OK fine if you see them around but why make such an effort?

 

If you are going to be friends it will naturally evolve over time, you don't need to keep seeing him...

 

I think your new Beau is onto something here and I am actually seeing his point of view...

[guest569]

I think it's a bad idea to see your ex if your current boyfriend is going to get hurt. I don't get it. I don't get the secrecy either.

[alliemai]

I am open and honest with him about everything, and we are very close and have no secrets. Hence why I want to be able to just tell him "I am having lunch with M. on Tuesday." without him being worried about it.

 

He is insecure for no reason!

My man doesn't live in my city, but I see my ex very often; we go to school together and see each other there a lot. Today we also spent our break together. But we don't do things outside of school, but I would very much like to, as we get along and share academic interests. Quite some time has passed since we broke it off so by now we both feel comfortable hanging out as friends. Our relationship was not bad and we broke up simply because we realized there was no future for us as we just were not a good fit as a couple, but we do function well as friends.

 

My boyfriend is not on to anything. I am also jealous of his ex who he talks to, and they are friends, but I don't make a big deal out of it. It just bothers me that he has this insecurity about my ex when he really should not.

 

Maybe I need to talk to him about it more, I don't know. I fear it might be even the fact that my ex and me connect academically, something my boyfriend doesn't share, as he is not an academic.

My boyfriend and me share so many more interesting values, hobbies, artistic skills etc, more than my ex and me ever shared. I would never want to go back and am happy how things are now. I just don't know why I can't be friends with my ex without my boyfriend being UNNECESSARILY jealous!

And as I said before, the jealousy thing is never a problem, only with this specific ex.

It's not like the topic comes up a lot, but as we are both so sensitive, my boyfriend and I, I very much realise he has these insecurities and I want to be able to numb them without having to give up my friendship with my ex.

[Tetley]

Your boyfriend needs to be helped with his insecurity issues through, reassurance but most of the work will need to come from him. I think the distance between you two isn't helping.

 

It might come down to choosing between friend exlover and your current boyfriend unfortunately.

Edited March 3, 2015 by Tetley
OP posted more info /\

[ManyDissapoint]

Your BF is long distance. Your EX is close. You probably see your ex more often than your BF. It would be nice if your BF was more secure, but your behavior is honestly pretty crap to me. You should all contact with your ex IMO out of respect for your BF.

 

I had an ex girlfriend once who told me she was still friends with her ex. We dated 4 months. I tried to be cool and progressive, I gave her my blessing to meet with him and talk.

 

She cheated on me with him and broke me up faster than you can say no contact.

[kendahke]

I guess I don't understand why it is more important to you to keep up this relationship with your ex knowing how your boyfriend feels about it. Going to see him alone, IMO, is not a good idea seeing how he's told you how it feels.

 

Who would you rather have in your life? Then choose that one and let the other go. Be fair. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you like it if your boyfriend's attitude towards you was basically "oh, go walk it off and quite being a baby about it"?

 

Clearly, your boyfriend isn't doing it for you if you've still got space to rent to you ex in your mind, heart and intimacy. Might as well let him go and find a guy who isn't threatened by your dealings with your ex, since your ex is that important to you that you make space for him.

[1040]

Your story has been told millions of times. If you keep meeting with your ex, somehow/some way things will blow up.

[Arieswoman]

OP you asked,

 

Lunch with Ex - should I tell my BF?

 

No. Don't have lunch with the ex, and then they'll be nothing to tell.

 

My boyfriend is a bit jealous of him, so whenever my ex comes up in a conversation, I can tell my boyfriend feels really uncomfortable.

 

and why does he need to come up in conversation?

[Carenth]

There is a reason most people aren't friends with exes. The fact you broke up amicably makes things worse not better and is why your BF is worried. Think about it would you go back to an ex who treated your horribly? Probably not. How about an ex that things didn't work out due to circumstances at the time but otherwise you still like them + add in LD relationship and you have a powder keg ready to go off. Even if you aren't able to admit it to yourself, you still hold some sort of candle to your ex in someway.

 

The real question here is not your BF being insecure. The question is why do you feel you have to have your ex in your life, especially when it making your current partner (somewhat justifiably uncomfortable). The fact that your current boyfriend is LD and you go see your ex a lot would make the most secure person somewhat weary.

 

Obviously you are not getting something from your BF and are trying to fill those gaps with your ex. Basically you want your cake and to eat it to, this will fester until it blows up either way. Sometimes in life you can't have everything you want you need to decide what is more important to you or you could end up losing both.

[Tetley]

OP go to lunch with your ex IF you'd truthfully say you'd accept your boyfriend lunching with his ex.

 

If you do go be open and honest about it to your Bf. You'll then have to 'woman up' and handle the fall out, quite possibly the end of your relationship.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd distance myself from your ex, at least until the relationship with your current boyfriend has matured (or ended). Your only 4 months in after all.

[Photofinish]

Why is your boyfriend putting up with that? I know I wouldnt

 

You shouldnt be seeing you ex period.

[Otter2569]

First of all - dont have lunch with your ex. I would stay away from him if for no other reason than your current BF wont like it. Think how you would feel if he did this to you? Of course if you dont like the new guy - go for it.

 

I was in a similar situation except my ex wanted me back; she send semi nude pics, asked me out for drinks, invited herself over after hours. I did not meet my ex or ever take her up on her advances but I also did not say anything to my GF. My thought was - why cause trouble where there is none. Since my GF and I do not live close by it would create some trust issues so i went the dont ask dont tell route.

 

I have since defriended my ex on Facebook and removed her info from my phone.

[LifeandPerseverance]

I also agree. Why do you feel the need to do this? An ex is an ex for a reason. The fact it "ended so well" should make your boyfriend dubious. I believe honesty is the best policy. And if you guys hang out at school so much, why the need to seek out alone time to go to lunch and what not. Is he moving to south America and wanting to say goodbye? Having a hard time with girls and needing advice? Confiding something huge in you for some reason? If it's none of the above, don't go to lunch with this guy. If you really cared about your boyfriend, and you know it hurts him, and will cause him to not trust you, you'd respect his wishes.

 

 

I believe in not being controlled by your significant other, but also full disclosure and respect too.

[Tetley]

Why is your boyfriend putting up with that? I know I wouldnt

 

You shouldnt be seeing you ex period.

 

It's doesn't have to be that cut and dry.

 

I meet up with ex's. My girlfriend also has exs who are friends. Were both fine with it. Were fortunate in that we have a secure and happy relationship, built on trust and communication. Problems only arise when these qualities aren't present - in this case both seem lacking to a degree...

[smackie9]

If you go out for lunch with your ex, you lack any respect for your BF or your relationship. You will have crossed the line. As they say if you have to keep it a secret, then you shouldn't be doing it. As far as I'm concerned you are in no way ready for what is called a committed relationship. If you find it more important to keep in touch with your ex than being respectful of your BF's feelings, then do you BF a favor and breakup with him.

[redglass]

I disagree that you can't be friends with an ex if there are zero - and, I mean, zero - feelings remaining, but four months is too soon to be meeting up with your ex for lunch.

You've said it yourself - your boyfriend isn't comfortable with your ex, he's jealous, he's insecure, etc.

If you want to be friends with your ex, you need to invest more in your current relationship. As time goes by and your relationship solidifies, your current boyfriend may feel more comfortable with the idea. He may not. But he sure as anything isn't going to be happy if you meet him at the moment - and rightly so.

The fact you're considering not telling your boyfriend is a real red flag. If your boyfriend found out, it'd crank up his insecure and suspicious feelings x1000. Do you want to risk a relationship you claim to be "really happy" in for the sake of a lunch?

[smackie9]

This isn't a trust issue thing it's what each person finds appropriate. To most, your new BF/GF having lunch with a recent GF/BF would make anyone feel disrepected.

[Dybbuk]

-You need to care more about your CURRENT BF's feelings vs. catching up and hanging out with your ex. I get that you want to be "friends", but this is still the early/crucial part of your new relationship. You are deliberately causing concern by bringing your ex up in conversation, seeing/hanging out with your ex alone, and now contemplating lying to your new BF about it. I'm going to tell you flat out, your not being a good girlfriend, and honestly if I were your current BF I'd be rethinking the relationship.

 

-4 months is not a long time to be with someone. It would be different if you two had been together for years, and you wanted to have a catch up lunch with your ex. After a year's worth of investment and commitment your BF should feel secure in the relationship to allow that. However, its only been 4 months. He doesn't feel secure, and with good reason given your behavior.

 

-Lastly put yourself in his shoes. Lets say he had an LTR with a really beautiful woman, who ended it amicably. She just didn't feel they were the right fit, but still wanted to see him. Have some of his time one on one. He would casually bring her up in conversation, and never understood why you were so defensive. Then one day YOU find out because it slips he had lunch with her without telling you. If you are telling yourself now you wouldn't be pissed and out the door, then you're in denial of your own actions. ...and if that's the case I suspect that you don't want your ex out of your life for reasons you don't want to confront.

 

Do the right thing. Tell your ex you two need to move on, and concentrate your efforts on being a better GF to your BF.

[mightycpa]

On the one hand, I believe you when you say that you just want your ex to be a friend. But on the other, I think I've known someone like you before. You want to be friends with the ex more than you want to be considerate of your new boyfriend's concerns. No doubt that if this blows up over your decision to see the ex, you'll blame him for being jealous for no reason. He has a valid reason for concern.

 

Let me explain that concern to you. When your GF has to go see her ex over your objections, most times, that means she's interested in him. She still has feelings for him. Maybe not this time, but most times.

 

My advice is for your new boyfriend. Whenever a GF insists on hanging out with the ex every once in a while, you need to pay attention to what that says about where you stand. You can't change her mind about this, all you can do is understand where she's coming from. It says that you need to back off and detach from her emotionally. She's going to hurt you eventually, maybe not with this guy, but with somebody. You might as well recognize it now.

[carhill]

Lunch with Ex - should I tell my BF?

 

Would you mention lunch with other friends?

 

Do you have regular contact with your ex?

 

Has your BF met your ex?

 

 

Anecdote from my marital annals...... when I was dating my exW, long before four months, we stopped by her second H's house to pick up some of her stuff still left there from their D a few years prior. I met him and his dad and their marital dog which he still had custody of. She would interact with him occasionally while we were dating, generally about or to visit her beagle, and told me of such interactions with regularity. Did she tell all? IDK. They had less contact after we married but still occasionally until he moved away and their dog died.

 

Would you have been OK with that kind of contact and disclosure by your BF? Or would you prefer he not tell you and interact with an ex without notice nor explanation? Extrapolate to your own circumstances.

[Gary S]

You should not be going out to lunch one-on-one with your ex. It looks like a date. This can feel like cheating to your partner. Go on group dates or double dates if you want to see your ex.

 

And then you want to add insult to injury and confess your sins to your boyfriend. Why offer something negative? You have to be honest and come clean if he asks, but openness and honestly are two different things. You have a choice- you have negative things you can share with an ex, and positive things - chose to share the positive things.

 

If you feel the need to bare your soul, get a counselor, and tell it to him or her - that's what they are for. It's unromantic.

[wb1988]

Reasons:

 

1.Exs are exs for a reason and you should keep them that way. There is no such thing as a mutual breakup, if you think you had one and you are the girl then that means you broke up with him. Also you can never be truly 'friends', since when does friends mean "we had sex before but now we're not"? Maybe some girls try to ignore this fact but us guys know and accept this from the get go.

 

2.Us guys like to believe that you were never with anyone else before us. We try to forget your past but bringing up an ex is a slap in the face. I'm sure it's the same for girls.

 

3. Meeting an ex behind your bfs/gfs back is borderline cheating. I have left an ex before for seeing her ex (albeit in a hospital).

 

4.Of course he is insecure & jealous about this, he's thinking why do you even need to meet up in the first place?

 

Why do you even need to meet up in the first place?

Edited March 3, 2015 by wb1988

[Tetley]

This isn't a trust issue thing it's what each person finds appropriate. To most, your new BF/GF having lunch with a recent GF/BF would make anyone feel disrepected.

 

I agree one might not find it appropriate for thier SO to lunch with a recent ex - in this context OP and ex have been 'just friends' for a year. I'd disagree and say it is a trust issue. If you trust someone when they say they're only friends with an ex, then there's no cause to feel disrespected if they spend time together. In this scenario trust isn't there - so lunch with an ex isn't recommended. Neither is proper, open communication - which would bring things to a head.