His ex girlfriend called and now he's deciding between me and her?

[LifeandPerseverance]

If anyone has seen my other posts--I went on my first date with this guy a month ago. We've been going out since, he deleted his tinder because of me (and told me so) and told me quote "I don't want to pursue other girls". I went out of town a couple weeks ago, and while I've been gone, he's been calling me EVERY DAY, usually multiple times a day. We're finally friends on facebook. He's been telling me how excited he is for me to get back. I come home tomorrow (or rather, I start the long arderous 3 day drive home tomorrow), and the reason I was leaving tomorrow, was to come home to him as soon as I could. He texts me good morning and good night every day. He gets doors for me. He holds my hand in public. And he's been nothing but good to me. For the first time in a long time..I've started believing not all men are the same. And maybe just maybe it's worth putting my guard down and letting him in.

 

He called me at noon today, we talked for 40 minutes. Everything was great. Discussing my driving strategy. Then...I hadn't heard from him since. I felt like something was off--so I texted him I was going to bed. He texted back and seemed distant. I asked if he was okay. He called. I asked again. Then he told me...

I know from previous conversations, he was dating a girl in (insert city, state here) for a month and a half last fall. He's told me in the past that when he moved away the day before Christmas, SHE announced to him she wasn't interested in long distance, and that was that. He seemed over it. Until today. He told me on the phone just now, she called him this afternoon, apologized for the way she handled and ended things, and asked for a second chance. And he told me quote "and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm deciding. I fell really hard for her. But I also really like you."

 

I'm blown away. I can't stop crying. I really had the nerve to think someone was different. Initially I felt angry. Now I'm starting to feel resolve, but I NEED ADVICE.

I feel like..he shouldn't have to choose--If I'm so great, and he really likes me..Shouldn't it be ME, by default? Like he shouldn't even have to think about it? I should mention he's moving in a month--further west. He'll be fairly close to me, but 15 hours drive from her. Right now, he's a 14 hour drive from where she lives, and I live close to him--why is he even thinking about it?

Three quotes stand out to me: "if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” and "When your past comes calling, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say." And lastly "Why give someone out there a second chance when there's someone who deserves a first". I know I gave a second chance once--what happened? The guy cheated, and I later ended up with a broken arm, because of my forgiveness.

 

I really was trusting of this new guy--now, I feel like even if he chooses me, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again--I'll always wonder what ex could come out of the woodwork and make him just leave.

They only dated a month and a half. I know she took him home and had sex with him on the second date. I know they never labeled things. And I know from a past conversation, he wasn't even 100% she wasn't sleeping with others.

 

 

And then we have me. He and I have been on 4 dates. Talked on the phone enough to take a chunk out of my Verizon plan. And had plans to see each other when I got back. And then there's my sexuality--he knows I would have slept with him after a commitment, but we haven't had sex. I've had sex once in my life, and I was willing to trust him enough to share that experience with him again when I got home--a big deal for me.

 

I just need advice on what to do. Part of me feels like I should just call him in the morning and make the choice easy for him--remove one of the variables: Me. Advice? What would you people do? Do you agree or disagree that if he was really into me, a phone call from a 1.5 month ex in the past wouldn't have shaken him? If I was really so great, and so pretty, why?

 

 

Also..the thing that makes me feel even dumber..There's a box of cookies I made him, at his post office right now. That he has to go pick up tomorrow. And yes, he knew they were there this morning, before his phone call.

Edited March 2, 2015 by LifeandPerseverance

[rdet123]

If it were me I would say i'm sorry, but i'm not sure this is right for me. I would leave the relationship with dignity and wish him luck with this other girl. Please please please don't wait around for him to make a decision! Have some pride and know your self worth to get out of it. If he has to choose between a girl he barely got to know and you then you should make it easy and just leave. It will suck for awhile, but you will leave with pride.

[Toodaloo]

If it were me I would say i'm sorry, but i'm not sure this is right for me. I would leave the relationship with dignity and wish him luck with this other girl. Please please please don't wait around for him to make a decision! Have some pride and know your self worth to get out of it. If he has to choose between a girl he barely got to know and you then you should make it easy and just leave. It will suck for awhile, but you will leave with pride.

 

Walk away from this one.

 

He shouldn't have to make a choice.

 

Find someone who does not treat you as an option.

[LostOnes05]

^^^Exactly what they both said.

[Moy]

When it comes to relationships, you are not an option - you are the ONLY option.

 

I echo all of the above. Leave with your self respect and self esteem intact. You're better than this.

[Leigh 87]

I have fallen hard for three men in my life.

 

When I am truly into someone, other people disappear; there is no way I would ever be tempted to leave them.

 

When I am wishy washy about a guy that I DO like well enough but just not crazy about him, I would feel tempted if one of the men I WAS crazy about in the past came back.

 

Or heck, WHENEVER I have had to "choose" between one guy or the other, I just wasn't into them.

 

You don't have to brain storm and think and plan when there is intense chemistry and a special connection and true compatibility.

[LifeandPerseverance]

Thanks everybody. This is pretty much exactly what I figured. I got about 3 hours of sleep. And now I'm expected to drive across the continental united states. Frankly, I think this is really selfish of him.

I called my mom last night. She's the only person who's said the contrary to what I think and what you all think. Her opinion "he hasn't chosen yet. I had to choose between two guys--one of them is your father, the man I've been married to for almost 30 years now. Let this guy decide. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face."

 

I feel like if he REALLY liked me, it wouldn't be hard. It would even be a choice. It would be open and shut. I feel really deceived, too. I got burned really badly, and for the first time in a long time, I was letting my guard down. Just being me. And I thought that was good enough. On Thursday, during one of our multi hour phone calls, he told me he liked me because quote "I have the capacity to care deeply about other people, that the people close to me are important, and I take commitments seriously. That he's VERY physically attracted to me. That he finds me funny, and smart, and interesting." Now I feel like I was being downright lied to.

I know he told his parents about me, and his friends. And this is the guy that even when he was drunk 2 days ago, texted me when he came home before he fell asleep--that's how much he's been thinking of me. I thought all of these things were the mark of a guy who was really into you. How wrong was I.

 

 

The other thing--even if he did pick me after all this, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. I'd always wonder what ex girlfriend was going to appear and make him drop me. I guess I'm glad it happened now, rather than in 3 weeks. If this had happened in a few weeks, I'd already be home, and have spent more time with him, slept with him, and then this would happen anyways. And that would hurt. To trust someone sexually again and have them betray me.

 

 

I just don't get it--after I got off the phone, I looked on his facebook. I saw the girl's facebook profile. I looked at some pics. Not to be conceited...But I'm by far the better looking of the two of us. Also, this girl and I are polar opposites on the color spectrum, too, which I find odd why he'd be interested in me to begin with she (and all his other exes) is short, dark haired and brown eyed. I'm tall, thin, blonde hair and green eyes.

He's told me he appreciates that I appreciate the small things he does. We had phone sex last week, and according to him, that was the first time he'd ever done that. None of the other girls he's dated have done that for him. And he REALLY seemed to enjoy it. He's told me he's never dated a girl who's as open about things as I am, and that (supposedly) he likes it. We're both runners and swim a lot.

 

 

I think he's already made his decision, and just is lying. Something he said last night shortly before I hung up: "I have a lot of questions I need answered." I thought he meant, examining himself. But then he clarified--he has a lot of questions he needs HER to answer." Um, if you're not already set on picking the girl, why would you even ask her these questions?

 

 

I'm just really crushed today. He's going to choose the girl who dumped him days before he moved, over the girl who hasn't wronged him, and has a box of his favorite cookies sitting at the post office for him right now. How dumb am I? Today, he's going snowboarding--from the looks of his facebook, that was kind of their thing. So he will be having a day off, out on the slopes having fun. Meanwhile, I'll be packed in a car, driving across the country on 3 hours sleep and a breaking heart.

[katiegrl]

Follow your gut. And bless your mom's heart... but moms don't always know best. When they dated, it was a different world back then.

 

Women have options now and DON'T have to settle.

 

And I agree with you, even if he did choose you, you'd always be wondering if he was thinking of her...wondering if he made the right decision.

 

A woman shouldn't have to "compete" for a man. I never would.

 

There will be other men, don't ever think there won't be!

 

And there are great guys out there. I myself had to kiss A LOT of frogs before I found my prince.... as the saying goes.

 

((hugs))

[idoltree]

I'm sorry. I'd feel hurt too.

 

Is she his friend on Facebook or can she see his profile? You mention you recently became FB friends, and that can sometimes be the catalyst to bring exes out of the woodwork. It's either real not wanting to lose him to someone else, or a "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him." You don't know which it is.

 

Regardless, this really sucks for you. He sounds like he gave you every signal that he was into you... until his ex became an option. She broke up with him, remember, so all his wooing of you was occurring when he didn't think he could have her back. This is new information for him.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you were used to make her jealous. It sounds like something that just sucks all around with regard to timing.

 

And he told me quote "and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm deciding. I fell really hard for her. But I also really like you."

As others have said, he's assuming that you want to stay in the running. There's a sense of safety there for him - "Oh, look at me. I get to choose between two girls that want to be with me. Aren't I fab?"

 

But that's an assumption, isn't it? You, too, can take new information and use it to make your own decision.

 

I feel like..he shouldn't have to choose--If I'm so great, and he really likes me..Shouldn't it be ME, by default? Like he shouldn't even have to think about it?

That's hard. Imagine that you got your heart broken by someone and just as you were moving on, the ex pops back up. It's new information and it can throw someone off.

 

This has nothing to do with how great you are and how much he likes you. He wanted to be with you when she wasn't an option for him, simple as that. It doesn't mean she's better than you; sometimes there's just a hint of ego involved when a dumpee has the dumper pursuing them again.

 

Three quotes stand out to me: "if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.” and "When your past comes calling, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say." And lastly "Why give someone out there a second chance when there's someone who deserves a first".

These are nice quotes, but they'd be more applicable if he had been the one to break up with her.

 

I know I gave a second chance once--what happened? The guy cheated, and I later ended up with a broken arm, because of my forgiveness.

That's great, but don't project your anecdotal experience onto everyone. Though, I agree that if she broke up with him and is contacting him because she saw you added to his FB, this may be about not wanting anyone else to have him. If he chooses her, they've got plenty of obstacles.

 

Though we've also had stories here of exes coming back when a dumpee starts moving on and it does work out.

 

I really was trusting of this new guy--now, I feel like even if he chooses me, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again--I'll always wonder what ex could come out of the woodwork and make him just leave.

First, you don't need to be on the menu of choices. Just as he's taken new information as a way to change things, you can take new information and change things.

 

Second, I think you're projecting quite a bit of anger onto him. You've been dating a month with some distance. You aren't committed. He's not doing anything wrong, and personally I think it's nice that he was straight with you and told you what was going on. He didn't have to tell you that.

 

Third, honestly, he may try things with her, they may not work and you may hear from him again. Would you really hold it against him and act like he could leave you at any moment if he tried to win you back, indicating that he felt something for him? This isn't cheating, this isn't him being untrustworthy. You aren't in a relationship and he doesn't owe you anything, and he was honest with you when he didn't have to be. To me, that's a sign of a good guy. So if you want to throw away a good guy because he's not super attached to you after a month (which would mean an unstable personality to me, frankly) then that's your choice. Sounds more like cutting off your nose to spite your face to me, though.

 

They only dated a month and a half. I know she took him home and had sex with him on the second date. I know they never labeled things. And I know from a past conversation, he wasn't even 100% she wasn't sleeping with others.

Doesn't matter. What matters is how he felt/feels about her.

 

And then we have me. He and I have been on 4 dates. Talked on the phone enough to take a chunk out of my Verizon plan. And had plans to see each other when I got back. And then there's my sexuality--he knows I would have slept with him after a commitment, but we haven't had sex. I've had sex once in my life, and I was willing to trust him enough to share that experience with him again when I got home--a big deal for me.

I'm hearing a lot of judgment about sex here. Why does it matter when she slept with him compared to you? Are you implying that you're a better choice because your personal choice was not to sleep with him yet?

 

Those are your choices, and I think they're great, but don't use them to judge or shame others.

 

I just need advice on what to do. Part of me feels like I should just call him in the morning and make the choice easy for him--remove one of the variables: Me. Advice?

This is your choice and it's up to you.

 

If you remove yourself, I wouldn't do it out of anger or act like he owed me anything, which is clearly going to be the tough part for you.

 

I'd just say "Hey, it's been great and I was really looking forward to getting to know you better. But I don't like being treated as an option, so I'm going to remove myself from the running. Look me up if things don't work with her and I might consider you again."

 

What would you people do? Do you agree or disagree that if he was really into me, a phone call from a 1.5 month ex in the past wouldn't have shaken him? If I was really so great, and so pretty, why?

Because you've known him for one month, and he only has attraction to you, not attachment. He's got both for her, and his ego was also probably bruised when she left him. It's not about how great or how pretty you are.

 

It's a bit tone deaf to insist that it should just be about who is "better". Human beings don't work like that. When you're in a relationship and have attraction and affection, you probably don't notice other people. It's a bit like that if he's got attraction and affection for her and never got to see how things played out. It has nothing to do with what you're bringing to the table and everything to do with his feelings.

 

Also..the thing that makes me feel even dumber..There's a box of cookies I made him, at his post office right now. That he has to go pick up tomorrow. And yes, he knew they were there this morning, before his phone call.

Don't feel dumb about this. Let him get them and remember that you are awesome. There's nothing you can do about them anyway.

 

Your biggest challenge is to remove the anger and negativity. He doesn't owe you anything at this point. Accept that and get rid of your anger and entitlement before you choose what to do.

[kendahke]

At a month in, you're not really all that invested. Make the choice for him. Walk away. It didn't work out.

[idoltree]

Frankly, I think this is really selfish of him.

 

Frankly, I think this is really entitled of you.

 

I called my mom last night. She's the only person who's said the contrary to what I think and what you all think. Her opinion "he hasn't chosen yet. I had to choose between two guys--one of them is your father, the man I've been married to for almost 30 years now. Let this guy decide. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face."

I'd listen to your mom. Whatever choice you make, remove the anger from the equation.

 

I feel like if he REALLY liked me, it wouldn't be hard. It would even be a choice. It would be open and shut. I feel really deceived, too. I got burned really badly, and for the first time in a long time, I was letting my guard down. Just being me. And I thought that was good enough. On Thursday, during one of our multi hour phone calls, he told me he liked me because quote "I have the capacity to care deeply about other people, that the people close to me are important, and I take commitments seriously. That he's VERY physically attracted to me. That he finds me funny, and smart, and interesting." Now I feel like I was being downright lied to.

I know he told his parents about me, and his friends. And this is the guy that even when he was drunk 2 days ago, texted me when he came home before he fell asleep--that's how much he's been thinking of me. I thought all of these things were the mark of a guy who was really into you. How wrong was I.

 

 

The other thing--even if he did pick me after all this, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. I'd always wonder what ex girlfriend was going to appear and make him drop me. I guess I'm glad it happened now, rather than in 3 weeks. If this had happened in a few weeks, I'd already be home, and have spent more time with him, slept with him, and then this would happen anyways. And that would hurt. To trust someone sexually again and have them betray me.

You are being really dramatic here.

 

Again, this is a simple matter of the timing being bad. This is not a telenovela starring you, and, again, he doesn't owe you anything.

 

I just don't get it--after I got off the phone, I looked on his facebook. I saw the girl's facebook profile. I looked at some pics. Not to be conceited...But I'm by far the better looking of the two of us. Also, this girl and I are polar opposites on the color spectrum, too, which I find odd why he'd be interested in me to begin with she (and all his other exes) is short, dark haired and brown eyed. I'm tall, thin, blonde hair and green eyes.

He's told me he appreciates that I appreciate the small things he does. We had phone sex last week, and according to him, that was the first time he'd ever done that. None of the other girls he's dated have done that for him. And he REALLY seemed to enjoy it. He's told me he's never dated a girl who's as open about things as I am, and that (supposedly) he likes it. We're both runners and swim a lot.

We get it. You're pretty and there are things about you that he should like. How is this relevant?

 

Again, this is not a competition about who is better or prettier or more deserving. It's a case of bad timing and unresolved feelings.

 

I think he's already made his decision, and just is lying.

LYING? WTF?

 

You are just determined to be the victim here, aren't you? Some calmness and maturity would suit you well in making a decision.

 

Um, if you're not already set on picking the girl, why would you even ask her these questions?

While I agree he shouldn't be discussing these things with you, stop with the conspiracy theories.

 

Whatever you choose, draw boundaries. You don't need to hear about his issues with her. That's his stuff, not yours.

[Toodaloo]

I'll be packed in a car, driving across the country on 3 hours sleep and a breaking heart.

 

Sod that.

 

Don't go.

 

This guy needs no excuses or reasons. You however need to get some sleep and rest before you become a danger to yourself and other drivers on the road.

 

Quit being a drip my girl. You do not go all that way for someone who doesn't give a damn or who has to choose you. Nope you stay where you are comfortable and you get on with life and meet someone who wouldn't hesitate to go that distance for you because you are the ONLY person on their mind.

[kendahke]

Three quotes stand out to me: "if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.”

 

He didn't break things off with her, which means he's not the one who was resolved to end it. She was. His feelings for her clearly were not resolved, despite what he led you to believe.

 

and "When your past comes calling, don't answer. It doesn't have anything new to say."

 

He doesn't agree with this statement.

 

And lastly "Why give someone out there a second chance when there's someone who deserves a first".

 

So you won't be giving him a second chance now, right?

 

They only dated a month and a half. I know she took him home and had sex with him on the second date. I know they never labeled things. And I know from a past conversation, he wasn't even 100% she wasn't sleeping with others.

 

All of that is non sequitur.

 

And then we have me. He and I have been on 4 dates. Talked on the phone enough to take a chunk out of my Verizon plan. And had plans to see each other when I got back. And then there's my sexuality--he knows I would have slept with him after a commitment, but we haven't had sex. I've had sex once in my life, and I was willing to trust him enough to share that experience with him again when I got home--a big deal for me.

 

I know it may make you feel good by painting her as "the great whore, mass and dragon", but it's really a pointless attack on someone who didn't have the power to make him do what he's done. He's come to this conclusion all on his own because if he really was all that invested in you, she wouldn't have been able to contact him, let alone plant the seed in his head which he has taken pains to water and grow into this idea that wants to take back up with her. And perhaps it is the lure of sex--or it may be that his genuine feelings for her never really went away and he's been faking it til he made it by entering into this involvement with you.

 

I just need advice on what to do. Part of me feels like I should just call him in the morning and make the choice easy for him--remove one of the variables: Me. Advice? What would you people do? Do you agree or disagree that if he was really into me, a phone call from a 1.5 month ex in the past wouldn't have shaken him? If I was really so great, and so pretty, why?

 

This has nothing to do with your looks. This has to do with unfinished business between the two of them that he has never resolved. This guy isn't the guy for you, so it's best you remove yourself from this equation because you're starting to enter into a damaging consideration of yourself because you don't feel you're good enough. You are. He's just shown you he's not the guy to appreciate you for who you are. There is a guy out there who will, so dont' waste your youth on some guy who is not the right one.

 

 

Also..the thing that makes me feel even dumber..There's a box of cookies I made him, at his post office right now. That he has to go pick up tomorrow. And yes, he knew they were there this morning, before his phone call.

 

Well, you can take comfort in knowing you're blowing up his pancreas with little sugar bombs.

[sportygirl89]

Thanks everybody. This is pretty much exactly what I figured. I got about 3 hours of sleep. And now I'm expected to drive across the continental united states. Frankly, I think this is really selfish of him.

I called my mom last night. She's the only person who's said the contrary to what I think and what you all think. Her opinion "he hasn't chosen yet. I had to choose between two guys--one of them is your father, the man I've been married to for almost 30 years now. Let this guy decide. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face."

 

I feel like if he REALLY liked me, it wouldn't be hard. It would even be a choice. It would be open and shut. I feel really deceived, too. I got burned really badly, and for the first time in a long time, I was letting my guard down. Just being me. And I thought that was good enough. On Thursday, during one of our multi hour phone calls, he told me he liked me because quote "I have the capacity to care deeply about other people, that the people close to me are important, and I take commitments seriously. That he's VERY physically attracted to me. That he finds me funny, and smart, and interesting." Now I feel like I was being downright lied to.

I know he told his parents about me, and his friends. And this is the guy that even when he was drunk 2 days ago, texted me when he came home before he fell asleep--that's how much he's been thinking of me. I thought all of these things were the mark of a guy who was really into you. How wrong was I.

 

 

The other thing--even if he did pick me after all this, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. I'd always wonder what ex girlfriend was going to appear and make him drop me. I guess I'm glad it happened now, rather than in 3 weeks. If this had happened in a few weeks, I'd already be home, and have spent more time with him, slept with him, and then this would happen anyways. And that would hurt. To trust someone sexually again and have them betray me.

 

 

I just don't get it--after I got off the phone, I looked on his facebook. I saw the girl's facebook profile. I looked at some pics. Not to be conceited...But I'm by far the better looking of the two of us. Also, this girl and I are polar opposites on the color spectrum, too, which I find odd why he'd be interested in me to begin with she (and all his other exes) is short, dark haired and brown eyed. I'm tall, thin, blonde hair and green eyes.

He's told me he appreciates that I appreciate the small things he does. We had phone sex last week, and according to him, that was the first time he'd ever done that. None of the other girls he's dated have done that for him. And he REALLY seemed to enjoy it. He's told me he's never dated a girl who's as open about things as I am, and that (supposedly) he likes it. We're both runners and swim a lot.

 

 

I think he's already made his decision, and just is lying. Something he said last night shortly before I hung up: "I have a lot of questions I need answered." I thought he meant, examining himself. But then he clarified--he has a lot of questions he needs HER to answer." Um, if you're not already set on picking the girl, why would you even ask her these questions?

 

 

I'm just really crushed today. He's going to choose the girl who dumped him days before he moved, over the girl who hasn't wronged him, and has a box of his favorite cookies sitting at the post office for him right now. How dumb am I? Today, he's going snowboarding--from the looks of his facebook, that was kind of their thing. So he will be having a day off, out on the slopes having fun. Meanwhile, I'll be packed in a car, driving across the country on 3 hours sleep and a breaking heart.

 

My ex broke up with me because I tried to help him with his PTSD. He wanted his ex wife who cheated on him. Then this girl after me he obsessed with and waited three months then said he's seeing someone else. No girls have cared about him as I have and he wonders why he can't keep a girl. It is kind of amusing seeing him go through all these girls. This guy you are seeing will get his karma. Guys who areconfused about what they want are the worse. They are toxic and need to be ignored.

[LifeandPerseverance]

 

Is she his friend on Facebook or can she see his profile? You mention you recently became FB friends, and that can sometimes be the catalyst to bring exes out of the woodwork. It's either real not wanting to lose him to someone else, or a "I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him." You don't know which it is.

 

 

YES. I hadn't even thought of this. We just became facebook friends on Thursday. And he himself is the first to admit--he doesn't add people on facebook often. Like, at all. So yes, she would have seen "me and him are now friends". So yes, we became facebook friends Thursday afternoon, and the text, 2 emails and phone call from her all surfaced suddenly without contact within 72 hours. A little uncanny?

[idoltree]

This guy you are seeing will get his karma. Guys who are confused about what they want are the worse. They are toxic and need to be ignored.

 

Good god, I'm glad I'm a heterosexual woman.

 

With all the misandry in this thread from women who think they're entitled to a guy's commitment and affection if he wants to get to know her and then decides otherwise, I'd be in a bad state.

 

Yeah, guys aren't allowed to be human beings who experience emotions like confusion! How dare they?! As soon as he meets one of the spectacular entitled female specimens he must forsake all others and want to pursue only her or he is being A BAD PERSON. /s.

 

Yeesh.

[toscaroscura]

Good god, I'm glad I'm a heterosexual woman.

 

With all the misandry in this thread from women who think they're entitled to a guy's commitment and affection if he wants to get to know her and then decides otherwise, I'd be in a bad state.

 

Yeah, guys aren't allowed to be human beings who experience emotions like confusion! How dare they?! As soon as he meets one of the spectacular entitled female specimens he must forsake all others and want to pursue only her or he is being A BAD PERSON. /s.

 

Yeesh.

 

While I agree the schadenfreude is a little much, it's not misandry to not want to be an option and to (even aggressively) define that boundary.

 

Also, the mature thing for him to do, if he really wanted to explore unfinished business with his ex, would be to kindly yet firmly break it off with the OP. But instead it sounds like he is waffling, wanting to keep her waiting in the wings. This behavior jerks people around and isn't nice.

Edited March 2, 2015 by toscaroscura

[central]

You've only dated for a month, and probably never got to the point of being exclusive. Of course you're only an option this early on. Ultimately, he's going to pick whoever seems to be the best match for him, whether or not that's rational or the person he picks is the most compatible (unless he uses his head more than his emotions).

 

But if this has you this upset, take yourself out of the running and move on. Because even if he does choose you, you will probably harbor this resentment and not trust him or his choice.

[AprilTears]

Never wait for a man to pick you. You'll never trust him after this anyway.

 

YOU are in control of who you are with. Do NOT give that control up to someone else, ever!!

 

You hardly know each other and he's already showing you who he is. Believe him!!

[LifeandPerseverance]

probably never got to the point of being exclusive.

This I really wonder myself. He did tell me on our last date though, he deleted his tinder because of me. Because quote "with the way things were going with me, he didn't want to pursue other girls." And told me he wasn't going to be going on dates with other girls. Does that classify as exclusive? Or not?

[AprilTears]

This I really wonder myself. He did tell me on our last date though, he deleted his tinder because of me. Because quote "with the way things were going with me, he didn't want to pursue other girls." And told me he wasn't going to be going on dates with other girls. Does that classify as exclusive? Or not?

 

What does that matter? You are an option to him NOT a priority and NOT the only girl he is interested in. Does that sound exclusive to you? Sorry to sound harsh but the writings on the wall.

[central]

I would say not. Obviously, he wanted to focus on you and see where things would go, but not to the extent of dismissing the other woman when she came back. And did you say anything to him about only dating him? If not, then there was no mutual commitment. You haven't even had sex, which is usually one sign of at least some commitment.

Edited March 2, 2015 by central

[Zahara]

This I really wonder myself. He did tell me on our last date though, he deleted his tinder because of me. Because quote "with the way things were going with me, he didn't want to pursue other girls." And told me he wasn't going to be going on dates with other girls. Does that classify as exclusive? Or not?

 

You said that he moved away Christmas when things finally came to a halt with them when she said she couldn't do long distance. Then soon enough he got into it with you. I have to wonder if he latched on to you because he was struggling with getting over this woman. There are people that will latch on just for the sake of having someone -- someone to fill that void that they're feeling. They don't want to necessarily date others but what they need is someone to just provide them with attention/distraction. And at the time you seemed right for him, but was it for all the right reasons, no one can be sure but it seems that he has been very easily swayed by her presence.

 

If you say you have no more trust in this, then there is nothing more to decide. Four dates in/a month of dating and you're already on shaky ground, then you have your answer.

[toscaroscura]

This I really wonder myself. He did tell me on our last date though, he deleted his tinder because of me. Because quote "with the way things were going with me, he didn't want to pursue other girls." And told me he wasn't going to be going on dates with other girls. Does that classify as exclusive? Or not?

 

I've found that people say anything in the heat of the moment. His words mean nothing. He could have said he wanted to marry you for all empty words are worth. Actions, and behaviors, always.

 

Deleting his Tinder is an action, but seeing his ex is an even bigger action.

[planb1973]

I'm going to chime in as "that guy." I was in a similar situation although different. My story, I started dating two women at the same time. I really liked them both and trying to choose was hell. The two women were entirely different, actually opposite. A month or two is not long enough to get to know someone, and my experience in dating is that most relationships that become exclusive too soon, before really getting to know someone, end badly.

 

I am betting that he may be being cautious, which is not a bad thing. Though I would not leave a relationship if an ex came crawling back, sounds like rebound to me, I do agree with your mothers advice. Dating should be fun and a time to get to know someone at a steady pace. 4 dates and a month in, you don't have a broken heart, you have a bruised ego. I would distance yourself, but don't burn the bridge, and don't wait around for him. Date and have fun. He may in fact really like you but needs time to sort out his feelings before he fully commits.