adilaurentis Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 (edited) I met a guy online that seems to be really great and we have so much in common and have been hitting it off via emails. However we've exchanged quite a few emails already and he still hasn't asked me out to meet in person, which is odd to me because all the other guys I've met online before had all brought up meeting after talking online for a few days. I want to categorize this as a red flag but this guy sounds really genuine and we've been exchanging super duper long emails, talking about work, interests, family, friends, opinions, experiences, etc., and he kept talking about how he really likes these long messages because you get to know the other person better and it reminds him of courting people with love letters in the old days... He did mention activities and plans we can do together but it's all in future tense and sometime down the road... nothing in the very near term like next week or something. I respect his openness and I don't mind these long emails but I feel like a lot of the conversation we have via email could be done in person too more efficiently. I understand that we live 30 minutes away from each other but I don't see how it'd be hard to make weekend plans even. Right now I'm just taking it as a fact that people are different and some may want to take it slow and easy, but I do wonder if this is actually normal? Oh, and since we've exchanged personal email addresses, I know his full name and has searched him online (including Facebook) and actually found a lot of existing information that agrees with what he'd been telling me about his background, etc. so I'd like to think he's real... Edited March 1, 2015 by adilaurentis additional info Link to post Share on other sites
Macattack Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Don't waste your time, if men don't ask you to meet within a week drop him like a hot potato. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 How long have you been exchanging messages? It's reasonable to expect him to ask for a phone number within 3-5 days. I would not go longer than ten days. All that chemistry online is a farce, I don't care how many love letters he's sent you... you could meet and discover within five minutes you are not attracted to him. We are strangers until we meet. At the least, make sure you are reading other guy's messages, don't put your eggs all in one basket. Read up on circular dating. Efficiency is important in dating. Don't let anybody waste your time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Did he say what he was doing this weekend? Are you sure he isn't married? Many married men write forever but are reluctant to meet - or make it real because you may discover he's married. Maybe ask him to meet you half way for coffee and see how he answers. Throw out a day and time you know he's not working. If he doesn't agree - he's not worth wasting more energy on him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Are you sure he isn't married? Many married men write forever but are reluctant to meet. - This true, there are some married men on dating sites and they often act flaky. This is one possibility. To weed out the married guys as you are dating, ask for their phone number and call them in the evening and on weekends, see if they pick up. They will have trouble doing this if they have a wify around. You'll discreetly weed out 99% of the married guys. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 - This true, there are some married men on dating sites and they often act flaky. This is one possibility. To weed out the married guys as you are dating, ask for their phone number and call them in the evening and on weekends, see if they pick up. They will have trouble doing this if they have a wify around. You'll discreetly weed out 99% of the married guys. I'd add to that, ask to see his place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 There are tons of guys who use OLD as a pen pal service. I met a guy like this, strung me along for a couple months. We met a few times but it was always so far between dates. He just wanted a text buddy basically. He even admitted it, that he was bored and just having fun. Stupid. Next. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You know about 1% until you meet the guy. He's basically a digital mirage at this point. There was a time when I wasn't ready for dating that I would have been fine with extended messaging. Now I'm ready for love, so it holds little to no appeal. If you enjoy it and it lights you, continue. If not, fade it out. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Have you done anything to initiate a meeting IRL? If not, do so. If he's not interested in moving this off-line, drop him or accept him as a pen pal only. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I met a guy online that seems to be really great and we have so much in common and have been hitting it off via emails. However we've exchanged quite a few emails already and he still hasn't asked me out to meet in person, which is odd to me because all the other guys I've met online before had all brought up meeting after talking online for a few days. I want to categorize this as a red flag but this guy sounds really genuine and we've been exchanging super duper long emails, talking about work, interests, family, friends, opinions, experiences, etc., and he kept talking about how he really likes these long messages because you get to know the other person better and it reminds him of courting people with love letters in the old days... He did mention activities and plans we can do together but it's all in future tense and sometime down the road... nothing in the very near term like next week or something. I respect his openness and I don't mind these long emails but I feel like a lot of the conversation we have via email could be done in person too more efficiently. I understand that we live 30 minutes away from each other but I don't see how it'd be hard to make weekend plans even. Right now I'm just taking it as a fact that people are different and some may want to take it slow and easy, but I do wonder if this is actually normal? Oh, and since we've exchanged personal email addresses, I know his full name and has searched him online (including Facebook) and actually found a lot of existing information that agrees with what he'd been telling me about his background, etc. so I'd like to think he's real... My catfish did the same thing. Long emails, long phone calls, very sweet and loving, etc, but no meeting. No skyping. Ask him to Skype/FaceTime with you. If he won't, then make a short little video of you and post it to your youtube channel. Make it restricted where only the people you give the link to can access it. Give him the link and tell him to go look at it. Say something in it where he would have to have viewed it in order to know what you're talking about. In 3 days, check your google analytics on it. It's a link on the left side with a globe icon on it. It will tell you where you video was viewed and how many times. You will find out exactly where he is. My catfish stole pictures from a guy in Russia; created a whole online personna on Facebook and LinkedIn to seem legitimate. Said he lived about 30 miles from me. He actually lived in Nigeria. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CrystalShine2011 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I would push for a meet and see how he responds! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I agree with everyone. Push for an in-person meetup and see how he responds. If he balks at the idea of meeting in person, then you know he's just looking for an email pen-pal. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 No reason for Skype - just good reason to request a meeting in real life. Most INTERESTED guys (in fact all) wanted to meet me within a few days. Married men will usually pick a weekday. If he's available any day should be available. Is there a pattern to his calls? What days/times is he calling you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 No reason for Skype - just good reason to request a meeting in real life. I suggest that because I don't believe he's in the same area as she is--otherwise, they'd have met if he had true interest. One can have a google number or use apps that hide your overseas number by routing it through a local number which is what my catfish did. He can assume anyone's identity by using one of those search sites. In lieu of him showing up in person and meeting her (and so far, he's been successful in eluding her on this), to be certain that he is who he says he is, OP needs to suggest a skype or FaceTime session. Doing that and gauging his reaction will tell her everything she needs to know about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You're either being catfished or he's already in a relationship and looking for a pen pal....or both! Tell him you have no interest in being pen pals, and you want to meet asap. If he hems and haws, lose him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I respectfully disagree with the advice to ask him to meet. Unless you want to be the man in the relationship. Lately I've had a slew of guys messaging me and then attempting to make idle chit chat with no purpose. They're about as attractive as mosquitoes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 If he won't meet then something isn't right. No need to waste more time - just don't respond any further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adilaurentis Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Really appreciate everyone's response so far. I did think about suggesting a quick date, even just coffee so that at least we get to put all these messages to a name, although I was afraid of sounding so eager to him that he's scared off. But I do understand that until you meet in person, all communication means nothing. I'm not too invested at the moment since I'm obviously not tied down and I'm trying to date other people too. I get this impression that he doesn't feel like we're in the same area (we're about 30-45 minutes away from each other) so he can't see how easy it is to just grab a drink or dinner some evening locally. He kept talking about how we're definitely going to baseball games (since it's a mutual interest of ours) when the season starts in April, and how he'd like to come to a festival in my area that he usually goes to around late March or early April too. I'm seriously thinking he's not a catfish but just not very good at this whole dating thing. His emails are always very detailed and to make all that up and not miss a connection in the loop would be difficult. I've done some search on him like a stalker and even found his parents' names, his past company profiles, his sister's job and LinkedIn profile and even her wedding website etc. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You're cyber stalking him... but you're not too invested? I shudder to think about how you would behave if you *were* invested in him! lol It's all good... I know what you meant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I respectfully disagree with the advice to ask him to meet. Unless you want to be the man in the relationship. A woman that actually appreciates the male/female dynamic. Really sexy! My mindset is this. If a woman responds to my first email with more than one sentence and she shows off her personality, that's basic interest. So why waste time emailing back and forth? I'll respond back to what she says, and end it with "We should get to know each other better in person. Text me your availability for this week, and I'll call you to finalize". Then I give my number. If it was real life where I approached her, I'd ask for her number. But online, I find that giving a woman my number allows her more space and comfort to proceed if she wants, instead of me demanding her number. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I respectfully disagree with the advice to ask him to meet. Unless you want to be the man in the relationship. Lately I've had a slew of guys messaging me and then attempting to make idle chit chat with no purpose. They're about as attractive as mosquitoes. I agree men who behave that way are unattractive... and in the OP's shoes I would be so turned off ... I would have simply stopped responding to his messages. But the OP clearly likes him and would like to meet him, so if she doesn't tell him that for fear of being the man, what would you suggest she do? Continue texting? For how long, until hell freezes over? I don't usually advocate women asking men out first either...but in this case I don't see how she has a choice. If she chooses to just stop responding to him, he will assume she either met someone else or lost interest. Which is fine if that's what happened, but the problem is...that's NOT what happened. She IS still interested and she'd like to meet him. But doesn't wish to continue with just texting for fear that he could be catfishing her or stringing her along. So again, if you don't think she should suggest meeting, what would you suggest she do? fitnessfan, feel free to chime in with your suggestion too! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I'd just automatically assume that any guy who takes longer than 2 weeks to ask for an in person date is a fake or has issues, none of which I want to deal with. I wouldn't even ask him out, I'd just start ignoring him and move on. I also don't write or text long messages with guys. If they initiate that, they will quickly learn that it's one-way only. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 You need to at least Skype to make sure he's not misrepresenting himself. Tell him it's Skype or you quit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 Why would they need to Skype if they live that close to each other? I wouldn't start introducing that into things. You already are trying to get rid of other electronic substitutions. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 He hasn't even asked where you live? Why wouldn't that have been discussed if he's so good with lots of words? Any guy looking to SEE you asks where you live in the first few sentences = to determine if it's logical to see you often. I get the feeling he's wasting your energy. Link to post Share on other sites
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