Christina107 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 So, I had my first date with this guy that I met on okcupid, or first meeting..whatever you call it. Anyway, I guess we were asking the "getting to know you" questions or what not. But later during the date..I got very irritated by the stupid questions he was asking. Like, What high school did you go? What's your middle name? What's your favorite food? What's your favorite restaurant? Does your family live here? How many brothers and sisters do you have? What kind of car do you drive? What exactly are people suppose to talk about on first dates? I hate talking about my personal things to a guy that I met on online dating, its like I want to say enough, but not reveal personal things about me. Of course, I never tell any guy my last name, where I work, how much money I make, vacation plans, where I live. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 I think all the Qs you listed are just fine & not too personal. Too personal is how much money do you make? Why did your last relationship end? What is your greatest fear? If you don't care to reveal the types of things you mentioned, as points of conversation you are pretty much left with the weather, sports, gossip about the people around you & current events. Most people don't want to talk about current events because they can be too controversial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Christina107 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I guess the one question that I hate is when they ask me if I live alone or have roommates. I told a guy that I lived on my own in an apartment. Then he told me, "oh, you must be ballin!" I'm like wth? He automatically assumed I had money because I was supporting myself? Don't people in their late 20's live on their own anyway? But of course, I shouldn't say that I live myself right? I should lie and tell them I live with roommate, because they automatically assume I'm "lonely" and have no one to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 First dates are the literal worst. It is so awkward. I prefer if guys let the conversation flow naturally and not asked the can questions like you have listed. I don't have a filter so I probably talk about things you're not supposed to talk about. I'd rather scare the guy off at the first date though instead of suffering through several more awkward dates for him to realize I am off the wall. I've never had a good first date though, so hopefully someone else will have better advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Vintage79 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 On a good first date, those questions should never on the table - those scream, "I have nothing to talk about". Basically, my view is if those questions are asked and are a major part of the conversation, there isn't any real chemistry as you had to resort to a laundry list of junk just to kill the first hour you spent together - which doesn't bode well for the future. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
J21 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 They seem like pretty platonic questions. If you were irritated, that's on you. The guy is making an effort to get to know you, if you don't want to be bothered, just stay home next time. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Probably not so much the questions themselves but rather the manner in which they were asked. Sounds like a boring interview. No flow. No naturalness. Doesn't mean the guy is a jerk-maybe he's just bad at first dates. At least he was trying. Points for that. But I hear you, think people should have fun which is not a linear conversation or rapid-fire questions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 (edited) Probably not so much the questions themselves but rather the manner in which they were asked. Sounds like a boring interview. No flow. No naturalness. Doesn't mean the guy is a jerk-maybe he's just bad at first dates. At least he was trying. Points for that. But I hear you, think people should have fun which is not a linear conversation or rapid-fire questions. Being a good a conversationalist is a skill a lot of men never get much practice at. In today's world of instant messaging, a lot of them haven't had a real "face to face" conversation in years that wasn't about work or sports. I feel genuinely sorry for men who try their best, but are simply not articulate. There doesn't seem to be a lot of patience for them in the dating world these days. My general approach is to start with small talk and generally tease out what's important / interesting to the woman I'm speaking with. Most of all, the biggest mistake a lot of people make.. is not having a genuine interest in the person across the table. Yes, I really do care what you think, what you have to say. Yes, I'm listening. Yes, you have my undivided attention. Tell me about your profession and what drew you to it. Tell me of the music you love, or the books you've read. Tell me of your thoughts on current affairs. Of the weather? Of the taste of the coffee we've been drinking, or the meal we've just had. People have forgotten how to get to know one another.. Edited February 28, 2015 by neowulf 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Well, I am a bit of an oddity as I excelled at first dates. Loved them. It was like trying a new wine or cracking open a new book to me. But I am quite the extrovert and have no problem getting people to share and sharing myself. All that being said - I kinda have to agree that if you were getting irritated at those questions, that's probably on you, not him. Those questions are the hallmark of a guy either 1) flailing about to find something interesting about you that you two might share (e.g. he's finding your boring) or 2) he's trying to keep the conversation the best way he knows how. Either way, he's showing effort and not just rambling on and on about himself. If you were getting irritated by the direction he was taking the conversation, you should have move it in the direction where you wanted it to go. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 There are artful ways to deflect Qs you would prefer not to answer. As a woman who lived alone I wouldn't answer Qs about my living arrangements on an early date for fear that the wrong person would conclude I was vulnerable. My standard answer was "they suit me." I'd then change the subject but not too abruptly & ask about the town where my date currently resided. The conversation still flowed but I didn't have to give out info I preferred to keep private. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Questions are okay to a point, they are conversation starters. But you don't want the date to turn into an interview. If he starts turning it into an interview, shut down the interview by deflecting with a joke, changing the subject.... or answer the question, then ask the same question back... when the shoe is on the other foot, maybe he'll get the idea that it's not nice to bombard somebody with questions. Whatever you do, don't lie, and don't be rude, don't act like a politician, answering a question with a question. You want the date to be about 15% interview, 85% joking, bantering, and small talk. That's optimum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Truth is, a lot of guys are just not good at starting and/or maintaining intellectually stimulating conversations; so I can empathize with the irritation you were experiencing with your date's barrage of questions. Also, maybe he was just nervous...or maybe he's an introvert...or hasn't been out on a date in a long time...or maybe you were boring him and he was trying to fill up empty air space...there's no real way of knowing what was up with that guy. Are you going to give him another chance if he asks you out on a second date? The second date will give you a better idea about his conversational skills and what his dating personality is. P.S. It's good that you're careful about NOT giving out ANY personal info with regard to your living situation and your job. . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Try to reveal as little as possible, the spark dies when you know everything about each other. The longest relationship I've ever had (I was 19 or 20, it was 2 years) was with this girl that knew so much about me but also knew nothing about me at the same time. She once said that her friends would ask where I grew up and even what city was I from and she wouldn't know. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 On a good first date, those questions should never on the table - those scream, "I have nothing to talk about". Basically, my view is if those questions are asked and are a major part of the conversation, there isn't any real chemistry as you had to resort to a laundry list of junk just to kill the first hour you spent together - which doesn't bode well for the future. ^^ Bingo! My sentiments exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Probably not so much the questions themselves but rather the manner in which they were asked. Sounds like a boring interview. No flow. No naturalness. Doesn't mean the guy is a jerk-maybe he's just bad at first dates. At least he was trying. Points for that. But I hear you, think people should have fun which is not a linear conversation or rapid-fire questions. This. The first thing that came to mind is that the guy is socially awkward due to nerves or general lack of social life experiences or low self-esteem. He also may be forcing it. It wouldn't surprise me if his body language was uptight. It could also be the case that he just didn't click with her...no chemistry. Some people socialize just fine around those they connect well with, but come across unnaturally and awkwardly around those they don't. A laundry list of questions indicates that he has nothing to talk about and is just filling the air. That usually means two things: (a) he is not truly interested in her as a person, and (b) he doesn't have an interesting life of his own and/or is ashamed to share it with others. Good conversationalists can have a reasonably well-flowing conversation with most people...but even then it's not hard to tell whether it's flowing well just for the sake of it, or going well because he's truly into you. Anyway, they usually start off with an icebreaker to ease the mood, then just let things flow and segue from one thing to the next...obviously this works best if the other person is also a good conversationalist. The questions that are asked are open ended, can lead to long and hilarious conversations that last a while, and usually make sense within the current context. I'm not for or against asking the questions in the OP's list, but there's no NEED to ask them on the 1st date or even the 5th date. (Put another way, the "interrogation" mindset in the first place is the real issue here.) In fact there aren't many questions period that need to be asked that early. Instead...for example if the topic of food naturally comes up due to the date being in a restaurant, then maybe there would be an opportunity to ask the "favorite food" question at the right moment, perhaps with some sort of humor laced in to make it fun. That could occur on the first date and it would be fine. Lastly, good conversationalists in most cases don't really think about what questions to ask 5-10 minutes ahead of time; instead the questions (or jokes, etc.) pop into his head at the right moment and he just asks/tells them. It is essential to be "in the moment" and get outside your own head. Being a good a conversationalist is a skill a lot of men never get much practice at. In today's world of instant messaging, a lot of them haven't had a real "face to face" conversation in years that wasn't about work or sports. I feel genuinely sorry for men who try their best, but are simply not articulate. There doesn't seem to be a lot of patience for them in the dating world these days. My general approach is to start with small talk and generally tease out what's important / interesting to the woman I'm speaking with. Most of all, the biggest mistake a lot of people make.. is not having a genuine interest in the person across the table. Yes, I really do care what you think, what you have to say. Yes, I'm listening. Yes, you have my undivided attention. Tell me about your profession and what drew you to it. Tell me of the music you love, or the books you've read. Tell me of your thoughts on current affairs. Of the weather? Of the taste of the coffee we've been drinking, or the meal we've just had. People have forgotten how to get to know one another.. Good post. I think for a lot of inarticulate people...their social ineptitude goes back to their childhood. Perhaps they didn't grow up in a home where the parents were good (and fun/relaxed/empathetic) conversationalists, and the kid didn't receive sufficient nurturing and TLC to build his or her self-esteem. Thus the kid kept mostly to himself, didn't show his "curious fun kid" side, and made few (or zero) friends. They didn't grow and learn socially via friendships (and dating in high school), they never built much self-confidence, they potentially spent too much time on their smartphone or TV and didn't develop any real outward hobbies or passions that they enjoyed sharing with others. Therefore as an adult, they are "behind" socially compared to their peers, and are likely to be perceived as boring on dates. They never learned how to banter (and be a natural at it) and retain at least a bit of mystery particularly early on. Bantering is usually a big part of being able to connect with others, and the "sense of mystery" helps maintain intrigue. As for MEN in particular, some of them are socialized from a young age to comply at least somewhat with the "strong-n-silent" stereotype, and socialized to never show their vulnerable side due to that being "un-manly". While it's true that some women are attracted to strong-n-silent types, going overboard with it can stunt a guy's social development, which will just hurt him in the long run in many aspects of life, including dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted February 28, 2015 Share Posted February 28, 2015 Decent enough questions if your in a situation where your struggling to find anything to say. But too stilted to be a great conversation. So say he was nervous/felt awkward.. why didn't you make more of an effort to lead the conversation somewhere better? ...Ask him the question back, pick up on something interesting in his answer, go off on a more comfortable tangent. Some off the best conversations I've ever had with strangers have been about the randomist stuff - anything from cooking to how hedgehogs fight... If you can talk non-stop for over an hour and yet of said basically nothing at all - that's the marking of a good conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Christina107 Posted February 28, 2015 Author Share Posted February 28, 2015 I don't like to discuss anything about my family, living arrangements or where I went to school. Yeah, I do prefer having the conversation just flow...those kind of personal questions are just too personal for the first date. I just think those questions are kind of stalkerish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Christina107 Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Decent enough questions if your in a situation where your struggling to find anything to say. But too stilted to be a great conversation. So say he was nervous/felt awkward.. why didn't you make more of an effort to lead the conversation somewhere better? ...Ask him the question back, pick up on something interesting in his answer, go off on a more comfortable tangent. Some off the best conversations I've ever had with strangers have been about the randomist stuff - anything from cooking to how hedgehogs fight... If you can talk non-stop for over an hour and yet of said basically nothing at all - that's the marking of a good conversation. I don't know what his deal was. I asked him those same questions back. I even asked him about the upcoming basketball game that was coming up and then he focused his attention back on me and preferred to talk about my coat! And then he started bitchin about how "he was doing all the talking" when I was asking him quite a few questions about himself...so what gives??? And I was telling him about my past experiences in school, my job, my friends, my dating life, okcupid....this annoys me when my dates start saying they are doing all the talking when I'm making an effort in asking questions and getting to know them! Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I don't like to discuss anything about my family, living arrangements or where I went to school. Yeah, I do prefer having the conversation just flow...those kind of personal questions are just too personal for the first date. I just think those questions are kind of stalkerish. Yeah, I mean, why would a guy want to know anything about you just because he's going out with you? You should probably stick to the weather. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) What exactly are people suppose to talk about on first dates? I hate talking about my personal things to a guy that I met on online dating, its like I want to say enough, but not reveal personal things about me. Of course, I never tell any guy my last name, where I work, how much money I make, vacation plans, where I live. Are you a secret operative for the CIA ??? Whats with the wall of secrecy ? Sure you don't have to give out your home address on a first date but the whole point of dating is sharing something of yourself and getting to know the other person. You can't do that without revealing personal things about you. Those questions when listed out like that are horrible. They are all just conversation starters and should lead to something more interesting - but if you weren't giving anything back to his questions because you thought they were stupid or too personal then he was probably struggling to keep the conversation going and scrambling for things to ask. On first dates you are generally feeling out the other person and looking for topics or areas of interest the other person is passionate about so you can dig a little deeper and get to know the person. You look for a hot button on one of those conversation starters where the persons interest is peaked by a specific question and then you dig further into that area to find out why. So for example the "Whats your favourite restaurant?" Is a pretty bland question but if you answered with something like "Oh my god I love this new little Tapas bar over on 14th street" then he can see your interested and he has an in to ask more interesting questions about why. Like whether you love Spain, if you have ever traveled to Spain before. If you like to travel. Maybe he has been to Spain before and he can tell you a funny story about his trip. Maybe he knows another good Spanish restaurant and it can be a lead in for a second date. If you are giving him not much back in response because you don't want to share anything personal then he is going to struggle to take the conversation past the boring generic conversation starters. Edited March 2, 2015 by Justanaverageguy Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Damn, if someone asked me something as inane and pointless as 'so what's your favourite colour?' on a first date it would be SUCH a turn off. It screams 'I have nothing interesting to talk about so am subjecting you to a list of predetermined questions'. If I really liked the guy I might put it down to nerves and try overlook it but if I like him then it's probably because we've spent the date getting on like a house on fire, having a laugh, talking about everything under the sun. I doubt I'd be feeling it with someone who was asking me a list of questions like that, especially such childish ones as what's your favourite colour lol! By the end of the first date with my current boyfriend we had to be kicked outta the bar as we couldn't stop talking and didn't notice the time and before we got back to my front door (he walked me home) we had about three in jokes together! That's what made me like him so much, that we naturally spoke about literally anything and never ran out of conversations. Sure we talked about our friends, family, our jobs, studies, music taste, political leanings, but it all flowed, there were no set questions. I definitely don't shy away from speaking about current events/politics on a first date. I get it with a dinner party, but on a date you're trying to suss out compatibility. If you are politically opposed, better find out sooner rather than later. I went on a first date with a guy and we got onto something and it turned out he voted for the far right UK party UKIP. I would literally never date a guy who voted for a party like them, I was so happy I found out on the first date and didn't waste any more time on someone I was totally incompatible with on the most base of levels. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I didn't mention stalking whatsoever. To me it means you are quite childish, incapable of stimulating conversation, and are just asking me pointless stuff in order to fill the space between us. Might give someone the benefit of the doubt but it would be an indicator that things weren't going to work out for me. No offense, but you make it sound like a job interview instead of a date? It's *suppose* to be a little goofy and playful. I *hate* super serious first dates. Where's the fun. The comfortable back and forth. Surely people are allowed to ask a few odd ball questions just to break the ice and get things flowing. I'm not exactly going to open with, "So, what are your thoughts on Russia's overt efforts to reclaim the Ukraine?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I meant stalking as asking personal questions about where I work, where my family is from, my living arrangements. Not my favorite color! And I didn't t I just ****ing say I ASKED him the same questions that he asked me back???? So your occupation, family and living arrangements are "stalker" questions ? Seriously ? You do realize the purpose of a date is to get to know someone. If you don't want to answer personal questions don't go on a date with the guy. Regardless of whether you answered them or not the fact you think there is an issue with asking these types of basic getting to know you questions on a date indicates how you would have answered them and how conducive you would have been to moving the conversation forward into something more meaningful. I don't think the questions are personal enough .... and you think they are too personal. I mean asking where you work is a basic starting point for nearly any date I've ever been on ever. Then it normally progresses into whether you enjoy it, what drew you to it as a profession, what other interests you have. If you feel uncomfortable answering the first question how is he supposed to dig deeper into anything more substantial ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 One of those questions are okay providing you use it as a platform for a conversation! You have to give the asker something to go on.. "What's your favourite colour?" "green" ^ Sucks "What's your favourite colour?" "Green, not too dark, not too light, like fresh mown grass green. Always reminds me of playing out in the fields as a kid while my old man was on the tractor!" "You grew up in the country then?" "Yeah, don't think I could do city living, all feels a bit hectic and claustrophobic - I like to be able to see the sea and the fields." "I feel absolutely the same, I love to be near the sea, I went to uni in the city and...... " etc etc etc ^ I'm having a better conversation with myself right now than you apparently had on your date! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Christina107 Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Ok. Apparently I need to work on my conversation skills. Link to post Share on other sites
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