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Stuck in a Love Triangle, can't get out...


Mia109

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So, I am stuck in a love triangle(hence the title). I was digging myself a ditch, trouble, and a crazy mess. I never really thought that this would happen because only these things happen in Hollywood romance films. Here I hit the rock hard. Face first. My ex and I dated for four years, and in those four years felt like ten. I thought about marriage already, wanting to have kids. My boyfriend at that time, 27 and was still enjoying being young. He was a gamer, intelligent, logic over emotion. Whenever we fought, he couldn't handle it. He was just a man who didn't understand emotions and love. Though he said “I love you” from time to time. In the four years of dating, we've only been on two dates! I was getting deprived of affection and attention. My daily routine was basically just watch him play his PC games on his laptop. I yearned for intimacy. I felt it losing. So I had enough and built the courage to talk to him about what I felt. We were static, our relationship didn't go anywhere. I had to tell him, so I did what I had to do. He didn't answer me, and in fact, he avoided the topic and changed our conversation. I tried again several days later, and admitted to him that I wanted to build a future with him(marriage). He finally told me he wasn’t ready to get married, and said he was just happy where he was. I let it off and tried to be patient. I felt as if I was the only one trying in the relationship.

That isn’t the bad part, not long after I attended my friend’s party. There I met another guy. Very sweet and humorous guy( handsome as well). I didn’t think much about him at all. We talked, and soon I found myself really talking and opening myself up to him. In a day, I would say I felt like I known him for years. It was like instant connection. I love his atmosphere, and his smile. We exchanged numbers, and started to hanged out more often. My boyfriend didn’t like that I was hanging out with him. This is where we started to argue more often. About the same topic that I brought up weeks before, and then about my new guy friend I met at the party. It was a mess. We constantly argued, and I wanted to pull my hair out.

I ignored my boyfriend, and kept hanging out with him. Slowly I started to become fond of the guy. In the matter of two months I liked him a lot. We scootered together, rode bikes, watched movies and talked forever, skyping. He is like a dream come true. He is everything I wanted in a man. When I moped and teared over my current relationship, he was very comforting and was there for me when I most needed it.

Soon again my boyfriend and I argued. The same thing, about us and the guy. I got tired of it, and broke up with him. I hated arguing with my boyfriend. In just five months. My feelings grew strong for the guy I met at the party. We decided to date, and I was really happy with him. We talked about the future together, and spent a lot of time growing. This relationship felt new and fresh, so exciting and deep. I fell in love. My ex found out I was dating him. Things were really awkward for us, since we live in the same house with our group of friends. I thought I was really over my ex, but every time I stare at him my heart just aches. I miss sitting on his lap when he plays his games. I miss everything about him. When I stare at him I want to kiss him, and the thought of it feels so right. I’m so tempted. He asked me a couple times to be back with him and really work things out. He told me he’ll really try to be a better man. I said no, because I’m already with someone that I love just as much. When I said those words, it was like a stab to my heart. But I can’t stand to see him let me go. It feels so wrong to leave him, yet It feels so right when I'm with my current boyfriend.

On the other hand, I’m still in love with my boyfriend. He treats me right, makes me laugh, and we love each other. I love his company and affection. Everything about him I love. I can’t imagine a life without either of them. What a mess I got myself into. I guess this is what I get when I mock romance movies.

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You're not in a love triangle you're just obssessing over someone who paid you no attention and you really wanted them too. If you can't focus on your current relationship without desiring the old one (in which you were totally ignored and unappreciated) then it might be time for you to have some therapy and be single for a while.

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Versacehottie

I would stay with the new boyfriend. The feelings you are having for your 4 year bf are longing for something that really wasn't that way the majority of the time. He shut down when you tried to talk to him. At best, he would be more open if you got back together for a bit and then likely go back to being closed off.

 

They say feeling like you've known someone forever (as in your new boyfriend) is one of the hallmarks of a great relationship (and long-standing future). You have put yourself in a bad position by living in same place with ex-bf. Move out. You will stop missing him soon enough. Make new memories with your new guy. It's normal to feel the way you do but it doesn't mean you should turn back. You did the hardest part already. Stick with your decision. How fortunate you are to have found someone amazing right like that! Don't diminish your new boyfriend's worth because of wanting to fix an unfixable situation. Hang in there and good luck.

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You're not in a love triangle you're just obssessing over someone who paid you no attention and you really wanted them too. If you can't focus on your current relationship without desiring the old one (in which you were totally ignored and unappreciated) then it might be time for you to have some therapy and be single for a while.

 

I have tried "me" time, and things didn't really work out. I told my boyfriend about the situation. He's hurt of course, but he said he'll give me time. We're on a break right now. I don't know what to do at this moment.

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On the other hand, I’m still in love with my boyfriend. He treats me right, makes me laugh, and we love each other.

 

Really? "He was just a man who didn't understand emotions and love."

 

I love his company and affection.

 

Really? "I was getting deprived of affection and attention."

 

Everything about him I love.

 

But you just started a thread about how this man never fulfilled you. So what was it that you loved? That is why you strayed and started cheating?

 

I can’t imagine a life without either of them. What a mess I got myself into. I guess this is what I get when I mock romance movies.

 

You're all over the place.

 

First thing to do is move out. Find your independence and stay on your own for awhile. This is not a romance movie. This is just plain destructive.

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Holy crap... I don't have personal experience with this, so no warranty implied. I've always found it to be a good practice to listen to your gut. So whatever you decide to do, don't act against your gut (in social matters). I think with the respective feelings for both of them that you described it's advisable to date neither of th two. Eventually you'll have to make up your mind as it is unlikely to (re)build a relationship with either of them as long as the other is in the picture. And you will probably find it hard to come to a good decision while being around them. Is it conceivable for you to break up with the bf while not getting back with the ex? And only making a decision once you have thoroughly thought about both of them?

 

 

Good luck!

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The most pressing problem, as I see it, is that you live with your ex and friends. If you were not living with him and seeing him all the time, it would be much easier to move on from that relationship, and get closure. I would see about living elsewhere.

 

Women need romance and affection like flowers need the rain.

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That's not a love triangle, you're just a cheater. No need to write a whole page of that garbage.

 

Fact is - You were dating someone, started cheating on them, and now you're grasping for straws trying to justify your poor behavior. Quit blaming your boyfriend for you being a crappy person.

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I would stay with the new boyfriend. The feelings you are having for your 4 year bf are longing for something that really wasn't that way the majority of the time. He shut down when you tried to talk to him. At best, he would be more open if you got back together for a bit and then likely go back to being closed off.

 

They say feeling like you've known someone forever (as in your new boyfriend) is one of the hallmarks of a great relationship (and long-standing future). You have put yourself in a bad position by living in same place with ex-bf. Move out. You will stop missing him soon enough. Make new memories with your new guy. It's normal to feel the way you do but it doesn't mean you should turn back. You did the hardest part already. Stick with your decision. How fortunate you are to have found someone amazing right like that! Don't diminish your new boyfriend's worth because of wanting to fix an unfixable situation. Hang in there and good luck.

 

Thank you. I know. Right now he needs to deserve the best version of me. I am a wreck right now. I do plan to move out soon. I am blessed with an amazing man and I tell him that too often.

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That's not a love triangle, you're just a cheater. No need to write a whole page of that garbage.

 

Fact is - You were dating someone, started cheating on them, and now you're grasping for straws trying to justify your poor behavior. Quit blaming your boyfriend for you being a crappy person.

 

In no way did I blame my ex. Neither am I saying what I am doing is right. It isn't in any way shape or form acceptable. I understand that. I judge myself harshly already. It is not their decision to choose but me. So i am trying to set my life straight.

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Thank you. I know. Right now he needs to deserve the best version of me. I am a wreck right now. I do plan to move out soon. I am blessed with an amazing man and I tell him that too often.

 

Amazing men don't date girls with boyfriends.

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That's not a love triangle, you're just a cheater. No need to write a whole page of that garbage.

 

Fact is - You were dating someone, started cheating on them, and now you're grasping for straws trying to justify your poor behavior. Quit blaming your boyfriend for you being a crappy person.

 

- Yes, she did cheat on him... and the reason she did, is because her ex did not treat her right. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but this is what women often do, it's natural in this situation. Don't like it? - then treat a woman right, or leave women alone. If you want to play with women, you'd better know the rules. Reality is reality, despite our wants and wishes.

 

In a relationship, women need affection and romance like flowers need the rain. Wake up and smell the roses.

Edited by Gary S
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- Yes, she did cheat on him... and the reason she did, is because her ex did not treat her right. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but this is what women often do, it's natural in this situation. Don't like it? - then treat a woman right, or leave women alone. Reality is reality, despite our wants and wishes.

 

In a relationship, women need affection and romance like flowers need the rain. Wake up and smell the roses.

 

There is never a reason to cheat. If your partner isn't treating you right, you exit the relationship. There is no justification to cheat. I believe cheating would be even worse a crime than a partner ignoring your needs.

 

"Women often do" --- generalization. Not all women cheat to escape an unfulfilling relationship.

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There is never a reason to cheat. If your partner isn't treating you right, you exit the relationship. There is no justification to cheat. I believe cheating would be even worse a crime than a partner ignoring your needs.

 

"Women often do" --- generalization. Not all women cheat to escape an unfulfilling relationship.

 

NO they don't, but the more I am on this forum the more I realise that women in unfulfilling relationships are very open to cheating.

I think in an idealistic world everyone puts their cards on the table, as soon as they find themselves in an unhappy situation and they divorce. BUT the reality is that they find often solace elsewhere and that is a lot easier than moving house, pulling the kids out of school and living in some dingy rented accommodation elsewhere as a divorced woman.

Some seem to think that the unfulfilling marriage is an excuse made up by the cheating wife, but I do not think that is the case. I believe many women lose connection with their husbands, some try and try and try to regain that connection and fail, and once they try and fail for the last time, then cheating is on the agenda if the opportunity arises.

I think some women are extremely adamant that they would never cheat and I believe them, I think some know they do not have the temperament to cheat and some just have never been in the position or know they will never be in a position where cheating presents itself as a viable option for them.

 

I am not saying that unfulfilling marriage is the sole reason women cheat but I guess it is up there as one of the commoner reasons.

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Yes of course, there are women that will take the path of least resistance and stay/complain/cheat/stay and there are women that will have the courage to leave.

 

My response towards Gary's post was more so about justifying the act of cheating. Personally, there is never a reason that is going to make cheating right, regardless of the circumstances as to why someone made the decision to do it.

Edited by Zahara
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I have tried "me" time, and things didn't really work out. I told my boyfriend about the situation. He's hurt of course, but he said he'll give me time. We're on a break right now. I don't know what to do at this moment.

 

How can 'me time' not work out? That's time in which you sort out your relationship with you. If it doesn't work out it's because you have subconscious needs controlling you. IE, you feel uncomfortable alone and so keep seeking relationships to fill the void.

 

If you mean you took a separation in order to fix a bad relationship. That's not what I'm talking about. You sound incredibly needy, in that you are utterly fixated on this one person (who incidentally doesn't care about you) caring about you. If you are unable to move on with someone else, then there are issues with you that need solving. Not a need to go back to a previously unsatisfying relationship.

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How can 'me time' not work out? That's time in which you sort out your relationship with you. If it doesn't work out it's because you have subconscious needs controlling you. IE, you feel uncomfortable alone and so keep seeking relationships to fill the void.

 

If you mean you took a separation in order to fix a bad relationship. That's not what I'm talking about. You sound incredibly needy, in that you are utterly fixated on this one person (who incidentally doesn't care about you) caring about you. If you are unable to move on with someone else, then there are issues with you that need solving. Not a need to go back to a previously unsatisfying relationship.

 

Maybe I have been using the "me" time in the wrong manner. In my me time all I did was isolate myself. If separation isn't called "me" time, then what is "me" time? I am recently journaling and my friend suggests doing yoga. So that is what I am going to do.

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I'll admit that a woman with very high integrity might not cheat in her situation... surly, not all women cheat.

 

However, when it comes to people who cheat, women cheat about as much as men, but for different reasons. The main reason women cheat is for revenge... which is exactly what the OP did.

 

This happens a lot. I'm not condoning it, just reveling the facts, the truth. I try not to throw rocks, I prefer to give people advice, and try not to judge.

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SawtoothMars
I have tried "me" time, and things didn't really work out. I told my boyfriend about the situation. He's hurt of course, but he said he'll give me time. We're on a break right now. I don't know what to do at this moment.

 

Seriously... this isn't a love triangle. You already broke up with the ex because that relationship sucked.

 

Bottom line is that you are acting like this because your BF is allowing you to walk all over him. I would give you a very simple choice... xBF or BF... immediately cut all contact with the one you don't choose! 100% No Contact. If that means moving tomorrow... then move in with your BF for a bit.

 

NO they don't, but the more I am on this forum the more I realise that women in unfulfilling relationships are very open to cheating.

 

Some seem to think that the unfulfilling marriage is an excuse made up by the cheating wife, but I do not think that is the case. I believe many women lose connection with their husbands, some try and try and try to regain that connection and fail, and once they try and fail for the last time, then cheating is on the agenda if the opportunity arises.

 

It may not be made up... but it's still a cheap excuse. When a marriage is unfulfilling... it's usually both people suffering. It isn't usually both people cheating.

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Justanaverageguy
Some seem to think that the unfulfilling marriage is an excuse made up by the cheating wife, but I do not think that is the case. I believe many women lose connection with their husbands, some try and try and try to regain that connection and fail, and once they try and fail for the last time, then cheating is on the agenda if the opportunity arises.

I think some women are extremely adamant that they would never cheat and I believe them, I think some know they do not have the temperament to cheat and some just have never been in the position or know they will never be in a position where cheating presents itself as a viable option for them.

 

I am not saying that unfulfilling marriage is the sole reason women cheat but I guess it is up there as one of the commoner reasons.

 

I don't think it is made up - but i do think it is completely misunderstood and blame is unfairly assigned where it should not be so it can be used as an excuse. Women struggle with the period when the "spark" starts to die in a relationship. Its a natural thing that happens over time at around the 3-5 year mark of most relationships.

 

Both partners are generally affected - its when intimacy starts to fade and partners normally grow apart. Notice this poster was right smack bang in the middle at 4 years when the feelings started to fade. Many women blame their husbands for lack of intimacy and the fact their own feelings start to eb at this point. They don't realize this is a natural and normal part of the relationship process that both sides struggle with.

 

There are normally more fights at this point, people are less understanding and considerate on both sides of the relationship. The man feels just as neglected and isolated as the woman does. But lots of women seem to think they can blame their husband / boyfriend for the intimacy issues and problems in the relationship at this point. Its all there fault. I was trying and he wasn't. It is complete BS most of the time. The relationship hit a rough patch .... rather then try and fix it you decided to step out and now you need someone to blame for your lose morals.

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