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So much texting, we meet, it stops


BerryLove

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Ok I'm new to this dating game. I've been on two dates with men, the second one this week and I want to make sure I'm not doing something wrong as even before I started on dating sites a trend seemed to start.

 

I got close to a colleague at work, we started texting a lot during and after work. It was pretty constant and I took his lead at first. Not replying straight away but often when he did I would too,whilst being aware I shouldn't look like I was hanging on his every text. Eventually we slept together. Texts stopped.

 

Prior to my first online date someone messaged me. We got on so well, had common integers. I thought he was great. Quickly the chat left the dating site and he was texting me every waking hour except just the occasional text from work. He waited for me to get home from work every night (I finish very late a lot) then we'd talk on the phone till the early hours, then he'd get up only a few hours later for work and it would start again. Now again I took his lead early on and found him replying only seconds later to each message so I often did the same. It became pretty intense. We met, slept together, he said we'd another date and the messages fizzled out v quickly. And we never had the second date. Not that the first was a proper one anyway.

 

With the next guy it was a similar story. After the previous one I really tried to keep this one cool once we swapped numbers. But again he was messaging me a lot. I did a night shift and he stayed up with me messaging me all night while I was working and they continued til we met. That was only the day before yesterday but again messages have stopped or much less frequent. Despite both our profiles saying we wanted relationships, we both said we didn't want anything long term or commitment yet. But he asked to see me again and I agreed, but nothing has been arranged so far. Don't know if its too soon or not

 

I'm aware that the etiquette apparently after the date you wait for him to message you? Is that what I should do? I've tried keeping it cool and not messaged him today, nor have I heard from him. No big deal normally but when you consider how much we used to text.. anyway given my previous experiences I'm not expecting anything to happen, although we had chemistry and he liked me.. a bit at least.

 

Anyway my question is am I doing something wrong? I only really count the last date as my first ever proper date so I could be overreacting but I don't want to waste time getting it wrongLike I said, with each man they were the ones messaging me non stop, going out of their way etc.. in person I was never clingy or possessive. So I don't understand.

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fitnessfan365

STOP TEXTING IN GENERAL.

 

In my opinion, texting has become one of the major downfalls of dating. Instead of using the phone to make dates, and communicate in person, people end up having "text-ships" with their phones and spend more time typing than they do actually talking or having sex..LOL What always surprises me is when I hear about people having major discussions about relationship status, feelings, etc by text message. Hell, one of my female clients told me once that the first time her and her boyfriend said "I love you" it was by text.

 

I keep things simple. I use the phone to set dates and for logistics 90% of the time. If I do send a text, it is a quick note, confirmation, a few flirty banter texts, etc.. If I really have to talk to her, I do it by phone.

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Fitnessfan, I'm not surprised with your response I have to say. Still interested to hear other comments though too. I was thinking even something as simple as my personality isnt the same in person or something.. even though it is.

 

Ok how would you deal with my most recent date. How would you take it forward?

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Ruby Slippers

The problem is that you're having sex right away, before the man has proven his sincerity, interest, and commitment. If interest dies down after a date or sex, he's not interested in you (obviously).

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Personally, I prefer to meet someone sooner rather than later. A lot of buildup happens when you spend weeks texting, and then when you meet you most likely realize the "chemistry" that you had over text is far different than when you meet in person. So, I prefer to cut to the chase, and meet and see how we interact face to face rather than the build-up of excitement created over weeks of texting.

 

The other thing, stop having sex on the first date. Do you think someone you've only known over text is worthy of having sex with on the first date? Why wouldn't you want to get to know the person, create boundaries and go slow. OLD is crawling with men that want to hook-up regardless of what they state on their profile. Crawling with men that are seeking instant gratification. And when you sleep with a man so soon, he's probably wondering if you're doing this with others and you're likely leaving him with nothing more to look forward to. Plus, sex makes women wonky so step back and take your time. Why the rush? Protect yourself.

 

You'll have men that pursue you strong and hard and likely the ones to crash and burn just as fast as they started off the blocks. He pursued you hard over text, you met, had sex, he disappeared. So watch out for those that try to fast forward things with you. None of these hours of texting. If he wants to communicate, pick up the phone and call. Meet soon so you eliminate all that time invested in a virtual courtship.

 

Also, with this current guy, he's probably communicating with other women. So depending on who he's getting a better connection with, his attention is going to be focused there. You'll likely fall by the wayside while he's focused elsewhere. It's very common.

 

Online dating is effort and work. Men aren't going to always say who they are, be who they are or be honest in what they want. You need to go in with stronger boundaries.

Edited by Zahara
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My hierarchy of preffered communication methods:

 

1. Face-to-face.

2. Skype.

3. Voice call.

4. Mail/letter.

5. Morse code telegraphy.

6. Smoke signals.

7. Ouija Board.

8. Screaming into the void where there is no one is to hear.

9. Whimpering quietly to oneself.

10. Text.

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The problem is that you're having sex right away, before the man has proven his sincerity, interest, and commitment. If interest dies down after a date or sex, he's not interested in you (obviously).

 

It's the Russian Roulette approach to sex.

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The problem is that you're having sex right away, before the man has proven his sincerity, interest, and commitment. If interest dies down after a date or sex, he's not interested in you (obviously).

 

- Yup..... you are going too fast. Play a little hard to get and wait at least 3 dates/ 3 weeks for sex.

 

Sex on the first date is bad news.

 

And yes, cut down on the texting, it's poor communication... help them, tell them you would prefer speaking on the phone, then stop texting... the good ones will "get it" and call you.

Edited by Gary S
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I disagree. I prefer text and I'm in my late 30's. I HATE phone conversations. Granted I agree that important conversations are not meant for text, but UGH, don't call me. Call me if you're standing at my front door and you need me to open it.

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My hierarchy of preffered communication methods:

 

1. Face-to-face.

2. Skype.

3. Voice call.

4. Mail/letter.

5. Morse code telegraphy.

6. Smoke signals.

7. Ouija Board.

8. Screaming into the void where there is no one is to hear.

9. Whimpering quietly to oneself.

10. Text.

 

 

I am a 'little' bit concerned that one of your methods is Ouija Board.. *cough* :laugh:

 

 

I would be wondering why you have sex so soon with guys.

They might be wondering that also and thinking that you do sleep with a man who gives you attention.

 

 

As far as texting goes, for me it's a bit of a hello and mostly logistics if he is OK with that as I am not much of a texter - however, so far the men I have dated in their late 30's & early 40's are mega big on texting and constant all day contact.

I couldn't do it and didn't want to. I like having a chance to miss someone.

 

 

I don't care if someone replies in seconds, if I am back at my desk by then he will have to wait until I am free.

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Anyway my question is am I doing something wrong? I only really count the last date as my first ever proper date so I could be overreacting but I don't want to waste time getting it wrongLike I said, with each man they were the ones messaging me non stop, going out of their way etc.. in person I was never clingy or possessive. So I don't understand.

 

Of course they were messaging you non stop, they were in chase mode.

 

Let me give you my advice if you are new with online dating.

 

* Don't believe one word these men are telling you. They can tell you they want a serious relationship, they can tell you how much they are crazy about you, it means n-o-t-h-i-n-g while they are in chase mode. Most men will say about anything you want to hear to get you in bed. Some of these men even believe themselves when they say these things but the morning after POOF feelings are all gone. They were lying to you and to themselves. So stop believing what they are saying, just look at their actions after you meet, those first 3-4 dates are decisive

 

* If you are aiming at meeting a man for a long term relationship do not jump into bed with them for a good 5 dates. Here is why: When you meet a new man and feel that intense attraction it's just chemical in the brain and sexual tension. You are strangers and know nothing about each other (NO texting for 3 weeks is not knowing someone). If you rush and get sexual satisfaction then you are left with nothing to build on. If you wait a good 4-5 dates then you had time to build a base, had time to get to know each other, and time to create familiarity. By then he knows he likes you not only for your looks but for your laughter, your sense of humor, your kindness, and all that good stuff, so when sex is happening and the sexual tension is act on there is something else that brings you together

 

* Only give your phone number after a day and time has been set for a date. No more texting for weeks. Online dating sites are there to make contact and meet, not build online (on text) relationship. Use it as a big contact list, nothing else. Everything that is said before a first meeting means nothing and it does not count so why waste so much time texting.

 

Good luck and enjoy.

Edited by Gaeta
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I disagree. I prefer text and I'm in my late 30's. I HATE phone conversations. Granted I agree that important conversations are not meant for text, but UGH, don't call me. Call me if you're standing at my front door and you need me to open it.

 

I would like this post so many times if I could! If you call me, I'll most likely screen the call and text back. Unless it's to arrange something quickly or to confirm something.

 

But I don't have serious conversations over text. I save those for when were in person.

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Ruby Slippers

I agree with most of Gaeta's advice - but I would amend the getting-to-know-each-other period to at least 2-3 months. You will naturally increase the physicality during this time - kissing, making out - if things are going well.

 

The only way to know someone's real character is to get to know them over TIME. Anyone can put up a good front for a handful of dates. Sure, some can put up a good front for 2-3 months as well, but the longer the time, the harder it is to do that.

 

If he's a real match for you, 2-3 months is nothing at all in the grand scheme.

 

Also, I don't think the instant gratification approach does women or men any good in the big picture. Wanting and anticipating something is just as exciting as getting what you want. In fact, wanting something and working for it is what brings out the best in men and women.

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I take it you have no doorbell?

 

I live in a 3 story townhouse and can't hear the doorbell in my bedroom on the third floor....especially if I'm in my bathroom/shower.

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Anyway my question is am I doing something wrong?
Like far too many people, you’re allowing texting to replace actual dating – in person. In the early stages, texting should be for the purpose of making arrangements. STOP TEXTING AND STOP REPLYING TO TEXT MESSAGES. TEXTING IS NOT DATING. Stop playing around on the phone and meet in person – that is the only way you get to know each other. If someone keeps texting tell him “We’ll talk in person. Bye.” Also, if you consider dating to be a “game” you’ll most likely attract lots of game players.
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STOP TEXTING IN GENERAL.

 

In my opinion, texting has become one of the major downfalls of dating. Instead of using the phone to make dates, and communicate in person, people end up having "text-ships" with their phones and spend more time typing than they do actually talking or having sex..LOL What always surprises me is when I hear about people having major discussions about relationship status, feelings, etc by text message. Hell, one of my female clients told me once that the first time her and her boyfriend said "I love you" it was by text.

 

I keep things simple. I use the phone to set dates and for logistics 90% of the time. If I do send a text, it is a quick note, confirmation, a few flirty banter texts, etc.. If I really have to talk to her, I do it by phone.

 

Bing bing we have a winner.

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OrThanks everyone. I realize I've made a big mistake with the sex and texting. This is definitely a learning curve for me and as you can guess I'm.a bit naive.

 

Long shot but is there any way I could repair the damage with the most recent one? Didn't hear from him yesterday. I know I shouldn't contact him as I want him to miss me, as someone said. But is that it? Do I sit and wait indefinitely?

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OrThanks everyone. I realize I've made a big mistake with the sex and texting. This is definitely a learning curve for me and as you can guess I'm.a bit naive.

 

Long shot but is there any way I could repair the damage with the most recent one? Didn't hear from him yesterday. I know I shouldn't contact him as I want him to miss me, as someone said. But is that it? Do I sit and wait indefinitely?

 

Berry, unfortunately, I don't really see as you have much of a choice. As Greta said, after first time sex, especially if it happened too quickly, it's not uncommon for a man to lose what ever feelings he may have had ..

 

However, often times it's NOT the early sex that turns them off, it's the woman's *behavior* AFTER the sex that turns them off.

 

If she begins to have expectations, assuming this is the beginning of a "relationship" texting him, wanting to spend time, he may feel smothered and be turned off by THAT.

 

Whereas had she just hung back, had no expectations and given him SPACE...he would feel like "hmmm...this chick is really cool, I really dig her and want to get to know her! And NOT just for sex either!

 

My boyfriend and I had sex on the first date and we've been together (and very happily I might add) for five years!!

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OrThanks everyone. I realize I've made a big mistake with the sex and texting. This is definitely a learning curve for me and as you can guess I'm.a bit naive.

 

Long shot but is there any way I could repair the damage with the most recent one? Didn't hear from him yesterday. I know I shouldn't contact him as I want him to miss me, as someone said. But is that it? Do I sit and wait indefinitely?

 

Wait and let him reach out. Chances are he is seeing and communicating with other women.

 

You don't sit and wait indefinitely! You go out and date others.

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Ah yes indefinitely is the wrong word. I'm talking to plenty of others. I'm not sat around waiting for him. Basically what I meant was do I let him make the first move..which katie said. I'm not expecting anything..let alone anything because we had sex

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My hierarchy of preffered communication methods:

 

1. Face-to-face.

2. Skype.

3. Voice call.

4. Mail/letter.

5. Morse code telegraphy.

6. Smoke signals.

7. Ouija Board.

8. Screaming into the void where there is no one is to hear.

9. Whimpering quietly to oneself.

10. Text.

 

 

wow, youre very accommodating and flexible. not many offers?

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Ah yes indefinitely is the wrong word. I'm talking to plenty of others. I'm not sat around waiting for him. Basically what I meant was do I let him make the first move..which katie said. I'm not expecting anything..let alone anything because we had sex

 

You've had three guys disappear after sex on the first date. Chances are this one is likely a miss as well. Let him make the next move. In the meantime, go and date other men. Think about your boundaries.

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