kissmybooty Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 If someones goal is a long term relationship. Should the girl hold on to having sex until the man asks her to be his girlfriend? I feel like having sex without defining the relationship gives the man the leeway to continue having sex without commitment. Or do guys need to have sex to make sure it was good before defining the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
adiamond Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 I would wait to be in a serious relationship/ exclusivity before having sex. I wouldn't want to be with someone sleeping with multiple other people when I want a monogamous LTR with that same person. EDIT: for some guys, even if you guys are in a defined LTR but they think the sex isn't good, they might break up anyways 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 If someones goal is a long term relationship. Should the girl hold on to having sex until the man asks her to be his girlfriend? I feel like having sex without defining the relationship gives the man the leeway to continue having sex without commitment. Or do guys need to have sex to make sure it was good before defining the relationship? First of all, I think that is a strange goal. In my opinion, you should probably be open to a long term relationship, but more focused on the person himself. To me that makes more sense, but it's a big world, and I won't say that it is wrong for you. I will offer that unless your goal is more than one long term relationship in your life, you might just buy yourself some unwanted heartache with that kind of goal. Certainly you're entitled to set the terms of offering your body to someone. All guys are different, so some will need the sex first. I'd be willing to bet that most will wait, if they like you, and most would get into a relationship without full sexual privileges up front. Whether that relationship becomes long term or not is unknowable after that. That's why I think the key is the other person, not necessarily your stated goal. Maybe it's just two different ways of saying the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dybbuk Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 It depends on the guy on how he views sex, but you should never "hold out/give in" in the hopes of gaining a LTR. You should instead set boundaries, have standards and stick to your guns if you require a man to commit before sex. Those who don't wan't to commit can move on to someone else, and you can clear your schedule for someone who will commit. In my experience it is tougher to find a guy willing to to be in a serious relationship before sex, because sexual compatibility can make/break a budding relationship. However I personally feel that emotional compatibility/attraction will make it easier for you to be comfortable in the bedroom with that person. That's just me. I'm not saying all women should wait for commitment before sex if that's not what they want to do, BUT I've learned the hard way with not defining the relationship before sex. It was confusing/messy afterward, and I think both he and I were a little weirded out after the encounter. We tried to move forward and make it work, but it just couldn't be repaired. Anyway some guys do want to commit first and let the passion and intensity build up. I honestly was worried that my BF wasn't into me sexually because he hadn't made a pass at me the first 1.5 months we were dating. He asked for us to be BF/GF after a month of dating, and nearly another month passed before we had sex. He told me he wanted to be sure because he always hated when relationships fizzled and sex made everything much more painful or complicated when it didn't work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kissmybooty Posted February 27, 2015 Author Share Posted February 27, 2015 I am the kind of girl that likes commitment before sex. But that's just me. Those guys not ok with it are probably not that into me anyway. So I won't waste my time anymore. Just wanted to make sure my pre requisites and boundaries are not way too unreasonable. So far it seems like they are fine.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Usually, good people have sex when they are falling for, or are in love with someone. People with integrity are naturally monogamous. Find a man like that and you'll never have a problem. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Just wanted to make sure my pre requisites and boundaries are not way too unreasonable. So far it seems like they are fine.... Then why are you questioning them? If what you're doing is working for you then why even think about changing it? Who gives a damn what anyone else thinks? Stick up for your own morals and values. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Even trash TV gurus like Patty Stangler advocate No Sex Before Monogamy. There are people who believe in No Sex Before Marriage. Why do you think somebody else gets to make decisions about YOUR body? Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Usually, good people have sex when they are falling for, or are in love with someone. People with integrity are naturally monogamous. Find a man like that and you'll never have a problem. This. In other words, the answer to your question is yes, but it's not really about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 If someones goal is a long term relationship. Should the girl hold on to having sex until the man asks her to be his girlfriend? I feel like having sex without defining the relationship gives the man the leeway to continue having sex without commitment. Or do guys need to have sex to make sure it was good before defining the relationship? My practice is to have exclusivity by 2 to 3 months before intimacy. Exclusivity comes before boyfriend/girlfriend declaration. Exclusivity is part of the "exploration" process whereby you are finding out the compatibililty level between you and your partner at least on a rudimentary basis. It clears up the issue that some people have that a couple needs to be compatible in the bedroom as well. Some people don't want to get to the point of boyfriend/girlfriend commitment to find that they do not enjoy each other sexually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 (edited) I am the kind of girl that likes commitment before sex. But that's just me. Those guys not ok with it are probably not that into me anyway. So I won't waste my time anymore. Just wanted to make sure my pre requisites and boundaries are not way too unreasonable. So far it seems like they are fine.... I think everyone has to make up their own mind. I'll just tell you from my perspective is that when I was dating I reached a point of diminishing returns where a relationship just stagnated without intimacy. It was somewhere around the 5th serious date. If intimacy didn't occur, I just didn't find myself feeling connected with the woman and things just drifted aimlessly after that. The question of commitment never came up explicitly prior to intimacy except in terms of the steps taken to determine whether we were "safe". I think if I had met a lady that had wanted a prolonged courtship before intimacy, I probably would have declined either explicitly or in action when that connection just didn't form. Hope this helps! EDIT: as an addendum - the 5th date thing is just an approximation. Certainly wasn't on a timer or anything. It is just by then we would have really gotten to know each other and reached that "okay, what's next" point. My dating range was 35 - 45 if that helps. Edited February 27, 2015 by Mrin 2 Link to post Share on other sites
abovetheclouds Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 What you should do is wait until you do anything with him. A guy who truly likes you won't ask you to do something like that. If he can't wait for you and have a relationship then he is not for you. If he denies a relationship then the only thing he wants is to sleep with you and have fun. The best to do is to leave before getting hurt and find someone who appreciates you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 Usually, good people have sex when they are falling for, or are in love with someone. People with integrity are naturally monogamous. Find a man like that and you'll never have a problem. This is the most judgmental and narrow minded judeo-christian statement I have ever heard. Plenty of GOOD people have sex with integrity and respect in non-monogamous relationships. As long as all parties are aware no expectations should come out of the experience. And people with integrity are naturally monogamous? So the other half of the planet who are polyamory relationship, polyandry, polyagmy, triad, trouple, are all people with no integrity, ya right. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2015 Share Posted February 27, 2015 If someones goal is a long term relationship. Should the girl hold on to having sex until the man asks her to be his girlfriend? I feel like having sex without defining the relationship gives the man the leeway to continue having sex without commitment. Or do guys need to have sex to make sure it was good before defining the relationship? You do as you feel is right for you. No, men do not need to have sex to define the relationship because exclusivity is not a marriage. If the sex turns out unsatisfying to him nothing holds him in it with you. He is free to move on. By the same time it means defining the relationship with a man before sleeping with him is no guarantee, for you, he will remain in the relationship afterwards. Conclusion: Have sex when you feel it's time to have sex and all the conditions are right for you. Understand sex is not a commitment, it's not something to trade for affection, it's a consenting act between 2 adults. You do it because you want to do it, not because it's expected of you or because you expect something in return. Link to post Share on other sites
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