I want some insight before I do this

[Ashley S]

Hi! So, this is different guy, but me and this guy are very close. He always texts and calls me everyday to hang out, but it's weird because it's like he can't be alone with me, he used to like being alone with me, but it seems he always wants people around, and when we are alone he is really quiet with me. So, I go to parties with him a lot, and I notice he barely acknowledges my presence at these parties. I know I am just a friend, but I find it to be rude. He doesn't have a car, so I am always using mine.

 

Well, I always feel like when I go to these parties with him that it's useless for me to be there. Basically I just feel like a chauffeuer, like I feel that he brings me along because I am a ride for him, his chauffeur. He wanted to go to the Hookah Lounge with me, and I was under the impression that it was going to be me, him, and his friend Mikey. He kept saying "We are going to the Hookah bar" he didn't say anything about meeting up with girls, otherwise I wouldn't have gone. Well, 5 mins away from the Hookah bar is when I find out that him and his friend Mikey were meeting up with two girls. That is fine, but I feel played.

 

I felt like it was a double date, and I shouldn't have been there. I was thinking "Why am I here?" They both barely acknowledged me again, and I felt like a third wheel. We go back to these girls dorm room, and they are all over them, having a blast with each other, and his friend, barely talking to me, and acknowledging me. It was pointless for me to be there. So, I was mad because him and Mikey had a blast, and had a good night, but I didn't. I felt played. I am asking though if I should tell my friend that I feel this way? If I should tell him that I feel like I am just his "chauffeur"? Because I feel like he just tags me along because I have a car. Should I tell him that? What is your overall thoughts on this? I want to tell him face to face, but I don't know if I should or not. Please comment, and give me your overall thoughts. Thank you!

[Zahara]

The thing is you say he doesn't acknowledge you in all the parties you've taken him to -- my question is why after the first, second or even the third did you not stop driving him? Why now you feel like you have to say something about feeling like a driver? No need to say anything -- just stop driving him.

[mammasita]

You need to speak the hell up. In every scenario you sit there and let these " friends" basically walk all over you...so guess what, they do it over and over. I would have gotten up and left those guys at the hookah bar....not in a mean way, but like this "oh this is a date, ya'll have a great night"....AND LEFT!!!!

 

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES.

[Ashley S]

The thing is you say he doesn't acknowledge you in all the parties you've taken him to -- my question is why after the first, second or even the third did you not stop driving him? Why now you feel like you have to say something about feeling like a driver? No need to say anything -- just stop driving him.

 

I'm stupid, and desperate I guess. I don't know. I am going to talk to him about how I feel.

[Ashley S]

You need to speak the hell up. In every scenario you sit there and let these " friends" basically walk all over you...so guess what, they do it over and over. I would have gotten up and left those guys at the hookah bar....not in a mean way, but like this "oh this is a date, ya'll have a great night"....AND LEFT!!!!

 

BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES BOUNDARIES.

 

I know. I should've done that. I am just stupid, and always giving people way too many chances, but I am going to talk to him about it. Thanks!

[smackie9]

Simple.... make him pay for all the gas.....free gas is good gas.

[LoveRefreshed]

"Ass, grass or gas, nobody rides for free"

[Zahara]

I'm stupid, and desperate I guess. I don't know. I am going to talk to him about how I feel.

 

Rule #1: Stop the self-deprecation.

 

You do what you do not from stupidity but from the need to be accepted and liked. And you can change that by working on your confidence and seeking your own validation.

 

You can talk to him about how you feel and he will probably tell you it's not what it seems but if it's been going on chances are he knows what he's doing and doesn't care.

 

One, two and three strikes you're out. Even if he says he didn't mean to do it, stop bending over backwards to please people. People pleasers have no boundaries. Start working on yours.

 

And always trust your feelings. If you feel you are being used, chances are you are right. That is when you say stop and step out. You don't keep staying around hoping something is going to change.

[mammasita]

Don't even talk to him, HE DOESNT CARE....otherwise he wouldn't be using you for rides to see other chicks and he would have offered gas money at the very least.

 

Find better friends. Same advice as the last threads.

[Ashley S]

Thank you everyone <3 I truly appreciate the wisdom, and the funny comments as well lol. I did talk to him about it face to face. Here's the conversation.

 

Me: Hey, when we went to the Hookah Bar last night, I felt awkward and like I shouldn't have been there. It seemed like you and Mike were on a double date with those girls, and I honestly wanted to leave. I thought it was pointless for me to be there.

 

Him: What? It wasn't a double date! It wasn't even a date, it was just friends hanging out. I feel really bad that you felt that way because I don't want you ever to feel awkward or like "you shouldn't be there" I love having you around.

 

Me: Well, I feel like I am a chaeffuer, and I feel like you and Mike just don't want to be rude, and say "Drop me off", instead you both would rather have me around, and make me believe that you guys want me there, so it doesn't look obvious that you are using me if you both were to ask to be dropped off.

 

Him: You think I am using you? I love you! You're my best friend! I love everything about you. I have other friends, but I don't hang out with them as much as I do with you, and Mike. I feel comfortable around you. If you would have left, I would have left with you. You are more important than those girls. I feel like you are trying to cut off the friendship, and not speak to me anymore, I don't want that to happen. I am so sorry that you feel out of place, uncomfortable, and pointless to be somewhere with me. I really wish you didn't feel that way because everyone loves you, and thinks you are cool. I bring you around to my other friends, and I bring you around period because I want other people to see how cool you are, and how awesome you are!

 

Me: Thanks, but wouldn't you feel awkward if it was vice versa? Like if me and my friend Angela brought you to a Hookah Bar and we met up with two other guys, and ignored you?

 

Him: I ignore you? I don't realize that. I'm sorry. I didn't know I ignored you. Please stop! I love you! I don't want you to be out of my life or to think I am using you. You have such an upbeat personality, and that is why I love bringing you around people, and hanging out with you. I love you so much.

 

Me: Love you too, but it's hard for me to trust people. I don't know I have to think about it.

 

Him: Please don't stick me in the category of losers that insulted you, and were disloyal to you. Please don't fade away. I want you in my life, and I will help you through it.

 

Me: Thank you, but I just have to think about it.

 

Sorry for the long conversation haha. But, I feel it's manipulation. Maybe I am too cynical? Maybe not? What do you think about this? What came to your mind when you read this? Thank you for reading.

[mammasita]

Be weary and don't be afraid to set boundaries. Take his words with a grain of salt.

[badpenny]

He said everything he need to say to keep you on the hook.

 

Remember the famous, and totally true saying:

 

Actions Speak Louder than Words.

 

He can say all the sweet things you'd love to hear, but his actions belie his true feelings.

Yes, of course he's using you. Everything he said, above is "Damn, she's found me out!"

 

Next time he says, "Hey you wanna....?" Ask who else is going, and who are you going to meet? If he mentions anyone else either coming along on the ride, or being at the destination, just say, 'Hmmm..no thanks, think I'll give it a miss. You go and have fun!" and hang up.

[Zahara]

But what did his actions tell you? Don't focus on his words, but throughout the many times you've felt ignored or left out or even used, don't you think it's one too many times for someone to not intentionally do it?

 

What I didn't like about this exchange was the fact that you had to ask him over and over again if he was using you. Without having any belief in your own judgment but needing him to validate you -- is it true, did you really, but I felt, how would you feel, why wouldn't you tell me, are you sure -- then after he assures you -- you tell him you have to think about it? Then what was the point in confronting him? It didn't help you one bit but to cause you more confusion.

 

Believe in how you feel. Believe in how you perceived it to be. People won't always tell you what the truth is but likely what you want to hear. Best you go with your own instincts and protect yourself.

 

Regardless, stop driving people around. If you want to go to a party, then go. You don't need to be a taxi to people.

[devilish innocent]

Words can be cheap. I'd give him another chance but keep an eye open as to how he treats you. If he's a real friend, he'll make a bigger effort to make sure you feel included. If he continues to ignore you, then you'll know he doesn't care.

[Buddhist]

It's an easy fix. Next time he asks you to go out with him and his friends just say you are busy. You've set yourself up to be his driver because you keep agreeing to do it. Time to put some space between you. No need for awkward conversations here, you know the deal, now just stop being the person everyone asks favours from. People don't learn from being spoken to, they learn from actions. Just take action here.

 

Unfortunately people are crappy. They will use others for as long as that person keeps playing the game. No-one in their right mind is ever going to say to another person. Oh yeah.....sorry but we are totally using you. Just not going to happen, they will deny it everytime. It's what social rules dictate they do. This guy sounds completely self-absorbed and selfish. You need better friends. Being nice to people all the time does not work. Others sense it and just decide it's a welcome mat for using you. They don't ever feel bad about it either.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Buddhist

[CrystalShine2011]

Yes, just talk to him....

[todreaminblue]

I have had that happen ashley where i have confronted people about using me.....i was actually told by the womans best friend what she really thought of me.....what she had said about me and what she had done to me behind my back....which was slept with my bf at the time.....meanwhile laughing at me saying how retarded i am or was, so trusting, i was pregnant at the time and had swollen feet and ankles...should have realized it was a sign all was not good..... but anyway...she would make fun of my "cankles" and talk about how ugly i was.......oen time she said to me hope you get hit by a car as i left a party i had organised fro her and been dj all night.....i thought it was the alcohol talking....

i was talking to my then bf one day and he got really angry at me...i was defending her after she had said that..he said you think you know everyone and everything ...she is not who you think she is....i got really hurt he said that...i know now it was guilt from him...when i said angry ...he was very upset....and it was with her ......and me for defending her

i always felt accepted by her she was so sweet to my face.....i am rather ashamed to admit it actually .......that i craved her acceptance and friendship.....i understand your self depreciation....

 

 

after i found out everything .......all the dirt and horrid things she had done and said.....do you think she admitted and apologised?

 

no she didnt.......

 

 

she lied through her teeth.,......until she couldnt lie anymore......and i said i guess ill say goodbye now...i was heartbroken..she made em feel worthless ugly so many negative things the best thing i could have done was to walk..and i did say goodbye

 

 

dont be fooled by what they say when they tell you no way...i love you........

 

what he did do was use you.....that is a definite.....he will continue to do so....as long as you let him..........deb

Edited February 27, 2015 by todreaminblue

[stillafool]

Didn't you talk about this same guy in another thread of yours? Why are you still hanging out with him? I think you should spend as much time trying to make female friends as you do trying to get close to males. I think it would help you to have girlfriends to hang out with so you won't have to hang out with these loser guy friends of yours who just use you. Get some girlfriends.

[Ashley S]

I have had that happen ashley where i have confronted people about using me.....i was actually told by the womans best friend what she really thought of me.....what she had said about me and what she had done to me behind my back....which was slept with my bf at the time.....meanwhile laughing at me saying how retarded i am or was, so trusting, i was pregnant at the time and had swollen feet and ankles...should have realized it was a sign all was not good..... but anyway...she would make fun of my "cankles" and talk about how ugly i was.......oen time she said to me hope you get hit by a car as i left a party i had organised fro her and been dj all night.....i thought it was the alcohol talking....

i was talking to my then bf one day and he got really angry at me...i was defending her after she had said that..he said you think you know everyone and everything ...she is not who you think she is....i got really hurt he said that...i know now it was guilt from him...when i said angry ...he was very upset....and it was with her ......and me for defending her

i always felt accepted by her she was so sweet to my face.....i am rather ashamed to admit it actually .......that i craved her acceptance and friendship.....i understand your self depreciation....

 

 

after i found out everything .......all the dirt and horrid things she had done and said.....do you think she admitted and apologised?

 

no she didnt.......

 

 

she lied through her teeth.,......until she couldnt lie anymore......and i said i guess ill say goodbye now...i was heartbroken..she made em feel worthless ugly so many negative things the best thing i could have done was to walk..and i did say goodbye

 

 

dont be fooled by what they say when they tell you no way...i love you........

 

what he did do was use you.....that is a definite.....he will continue to do so....as long as you let him..........deb

 

Aww..I am so sorry that happened to you (hugs) But I am glad you got rid of that parasite. I know how it is when people make you feel negative emotions. You are very strong person, and I appreciate you sharing your story, and insight. Thank you. xoxoxo

[todreaminblue]

Aww..I am so sorry that happened to you (hugs) But I am glad you got rid of that parasite. I know how it is when people make you feel negative emotions. You are very strong person, and I appreciate you sharing your story, and insight. Thank you. xoxoxo

 

thing is with parasites ashley is you dont realize they are on you till you get really sick......especially if you care about that parasite.....I think you may very well have a parasite ashley...nuke it before it bites you and makes you sick.........smilin...hugs back ....deb

[Ashley S]

Well, I ended up sleeping for 3 three hours, and I woke up upset because I missed my class, and I received texts from him the first one said "Thought you had to go to school" "?" Then an hour later he said "Are you like ignoring me? What the hell? I was just seeing if you went to school cause both cars are at your house. Just wondering." I thought that was really creepy! I think I sparked something in him, and he's acting stalker-ish now. I am really freaked out actually, but see I don't know if I am over-reacting, or if any of you got the same reaction? Because I don't like how he's checking to see if I went to school? I thought it was weird when he was trying to go to school with me, and to my hair appointment. I think the "talk" I had with him, made him worse or something. Because he kept going on and worrying about if I was having this talk with him to end the friendship, so I don't know if he's just being clingy? What do you think?

[Ashley S]

Sorry, I don't know what happened, but here's the whole thing. I understand what you all mean, and I am extra weary of him because he was over the top with the "I love you's" Well, I think the talk with him made him worse or something? I feel he's a bit stalker-ish now. He kept worrying if I was trying to end the friendship. He kept saying "I think you are indirectly telling me you don't want to hang out with me anymore, and you don't want to be friends anymore." I told him "No, I am just telling you my feelings." So I told him I had to go to school, and he said "Can I come with you?" I said "(laughing) You'll be bored, and you can't come into class with me or anything like that, and it's three hours long."

 

 

So I deterred him from that, then he said "What do you have planned tomorrow?" I said "All I have planned so far is getting my hair done." He said "Can I come?" I said "No, it sucks waiting for someone to get their hair done." He then left because I told him I had a headache, and I had to go to school. He's live next door to me, it's not the same neighbor I posted about, that neighbor lives across the street from me with his girlfriend.

 

 

Well, I figure I would lay down for an hour before school because I wasn't feeling well, and I ended up sleeping for three hours. I woke up mad because I missed class, but I also received texts from him the first one said "I thought you had to go to school" "?" Then an hour later he said "Are you like ignoring me? What the hell. I was just seeing if you went to school cause both cars are at the house. Just wondering." I am freaked out! I find that to be weird, and stalker-ish because he's checking to see if I went to school. I found it weird when he was trying to go to school with me, and go to my hair appointment. Maybe I am over-reacting, but I feel that the talk I had with him, just made him worse now, or extra clingy. Did you get the same reaction? What do you think?

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he's trying to prove how much he cares about you or maybe he doesn't want to stop getting rides. Who knows?

 

Is this new for him to be so concerned?

 

It sounds really weird.

[Zahara]

He's live next door to me, it's not the same neighbor I posted about, that neighbor lives across the street from me with his girlfriend.

 

First thing you do is find an apartment far away from your friends and family -- make new friends, enjoy new surroundings and meet new people!

 

You have drama coming from your parents, your brother, his friends, your friends, your neighbors! Good grief!

 

I don't think anyone can really say what his angle is. It could be that he's trying to butter you up to get you back on his side so he can still use you for rides or maybe he feels guilty and wants to show you that he isn't what you think.

 

Either way, you still can keep boundaries with him. Unless he brings something to the table in terms of your friendship before all this happened then maybe you can still be friends. But sounds like it was all one sided. And if so, you're better off without.

[stillafool]

First thing you do is find an apartment far away from your friends and family -- make new friends, enjoy new surroundings and meet new people!

 

You have drama coming from your parents, your brother, his friends, your friends, your neighbors! Good grief!

 

 

I completely agree with the above. This is why you should seek out female friends and perhaps can share an apartment with one of them or look for ads where a woman wants a roommate. You definitely need to move out and leave all the drama that surrounds you with your current friends and unfortunately your family too.