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GF "Working Late"?..


longjohn

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I'm seeing this lady.. it's been a few months and I'm starting to wonder.. is it me or is it her?

 

 

Well my ex cheated on me.. so I'm more than cautious around women now. However my current gf.. I don't know. Sometimes I think is she up to something too? Then again I think it's me.. thanks to my ex.

 

 

Example.. as posted before the woman has lied about a few things at various points in time in the relationship. Nothing major that I'm aware of. Maybe I'm crazy and have gone mad over the details? However I've found she can actually say one thing and really believes it means A whereas to me (and everyone else) it means B. e.g. I filled up the car.. I get into the car and notice there's half a tank of petrol. So I ask and get the response.. I put X amount in it yesterday. To me filling it up is filling it up not putting X amount in it. Am I unreasonable there?

 

 

Anyway my issue really is a few things.. one I stumbled across her facebook one time, it was open on my computer. She was in the shower and yes like a bastard I looked. To my surprise it she had deleted every message in the thing. I mean there wasn't even anything from yesterday. I found that.. well.. I thought what's there to hide? Mine isn't clean and if she dug into it she'd find messages from last year and the years prior from ex's.

 

 

Now there's this, she's "working late". She finished at 4 and she won't be home until 9. This hasn't ever happened before. Yes she could very well be working late. In the back of my mind is always the fact my ex lied and cheated. Sometimes I wonder if it's all me or if she's actually being honest and I'm over analyzing the details.

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I'm seeing this lady.. it's been a few months and I'm starting to wonder.. is it me or is it her?

 

 

Well my ex cheated on me.. so I'm more than cautious around women now. However my current gf.. I don't know. Sometimes I think is she up to something too? Then again I think it's me.. thanks to my ex.

 

 

Example.. as posted before the woman has lied about a few things at various points in time in the relationship. Nothing major that I'm aware of. Maybe I'm crazy and have gone mad over the details? However I've found she can actually say one thing and really believes it means A whereas to me (and everyone else) it means B. e.g. I filled up the car.. I get into the car and notice there's half a tank of petrol. So I ask and get the response.. I put X amount in it yesterday. To me filling it up is filling it up not putting X amount in it. Am I unreasonable there?

 

 

Anyway my issue really is a few things.. one I stumbled across her facebook one time, it was open on my computer. She was in the shower and yes like a bastard I looked. To my surprise it she had deleted every message in the thing. I mean there wasn't even anything from yesterday. I found that.. well.. I thought what's there to hide? Mine isn't clean and if she dug into it she'd find messages from last year and the years prior from ex's.

 

 

Now there's this, she's "working late". She finished at 4 and she won't be home until 9. This hasn't ever happened before. Yes she could very well be working late. In the back of my mind is always the fact my ex lied and cheated. Sometimes I wonder if it's all me or if she's actually being honest and I'm over analyzing the details.

 

What exactly is she doing for 5 hours if she's finished work at 4 & isn't home until 9? Or do you mean she normally works until 4, but she's staying for overtime until 9? Some of that behavior does seem a bit suspicious though. Deleting all her messages just seems odd.

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My advice in situations like this is, regardless of whether she's up to something or not, maybe you're not ready for a relationship at this point in time. But ya that is a bit suspicious. What kind of work does she do?

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SycamoreCircle

There's a Jamaican saying, "If it no go so, it go near so." Roughly that means if it's not the whole truth, it's a form of the truth. I think this applies to your situation across the board. Yes, there is cause to be suspicious with this woman and yes, you are being unreasonable in your suspicion, if that makes sense.

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Snip:

 

I'm seeing this lady.. it's been a few months and I'm starting to wonder.. is it me or is it her?

 

 

I'm an advocate of evidence-based thinking.

 

Suspicion, where no evidence exists, can be a problem.

 

Don't snoop, but keep your eyes open.

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Let me ask you a question. If you were in a committed relationship and a woman you found extremely attractive flirted with you and then propositioned you by saying that it would just be a one-time thing and no one would ever find out about it, would you do it?

 

If the answer is "yes" or "maybe," then you're projecting your own way of thinking onto your gf. If that's the case, then you can't imagine why a woman wouldn't cheat if given the chance because you would if you could with no consequences.

 

If the answer is "no," then you surely must realize that there are some people, many in fact, to whom the idea of cheating is repellent and they believe that doing something against their ethics would make it hard to look at themselves in the mirror.

 

It takes time to find out what kind of person a gf or bf is, but until you know them well enough to know, don't jump to conclusions. Remember, if it turns out the worst happens and she breaks your trust and actually cheats and you yourself would never do that, then obviously, she wasn't the right person for you anyway and you're well rid of her.

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Everyone lies in every single relationship to some extent. It doesn't mean everyone is cheating. Lying is just one of those social things we do and can range from telling a complete non-truth to acts of omission in order to keep the peace.

 

Honey how do I look?

 

The truth. It's an awful outfit that I wish you wouldn't wear because it does nothing for you.

 

The lie. You look fine.

 

Just discovering a lie isn't in and of itself a major deal. It's got to be considered in context and never in isolation to prove something untoward is going on. So what have you got?

 

A cleared out inbox. Okay, well how do you know she doesn't just clean out her inbox regularly and it's a habit? Do you know for sure this is a sign of unusual behaviour for her? Unless she's given you the password to her Facebook, then she has no reason to clear it out for the purposes of covering tracks. How do you know it wasn't full of some previous relationship drama that she now feels okay to let go of because she is with you?

 

Inaccuracies in her communication. I think this is an indication of a different cognitive approach than anything else. But I can understand how it might give you pause because you are probably now asking yourself.....what else is she telling me that I am interpreting in a completely different way to how she means it?

 

Working late. Okay, now here is something I can understand, we've got a sudden change in behaviour. But I would be watching for multiple changes in behaviour before I got alarmed. It's never just one thing which tips a partner off about something being wrong.

Think back to your previous relationship, and be objective here. Often when we are cheated on, the signs were obvious all along but we chose to ignore them in the moment. I bet you, there were multiple things that happened in your past relationship. If that's not happening here then no need for alarm.

 

Personally I don't think you've got enough to be suspicious about. But as someone who's been cheated on before I can definately understand your hypervigilance.

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Thanks for the responses. I have been paying attention to her behavior. She does carry her phone with her everywhere. I mean at no time do I ever see it laying around anymore then again she just setup on a social network that I'm not on and I've noticed her on that quite often. She says it's for work and research which is true from what I know so far.

 

Now the staying late.. 5 hours late (which turned into 6 hours) is very unusual to me however that's happened once. My ex cheated so I'm aware of the signs. She didn't hit the shower when she came home however her office building is equipped with showers. Then again there's been a few days where she did shower the very second she got home. I know for sure that almost no one stays that late. She says she had to because of a big meeting and wouldn't have time in the morning. She even texted a picture of the empty office with her papers spread out. who knows maybe I'm over reacting. Normally she's 30 minutes or so late at most and that's at random. I typically don't question this as I know we can all get caught up in things at work, we can stop for fuel etc.

 

However the last couple of days she's become distant. I'd say sex hasn't been there or the same in a few weeks. Then again she just got promoted so who knows, maybe she's stressed? The really weird thing is I was gone for a week and when I got back. A few days later she suddenly decided to clean out her car. I could well be wrong and stabbing at things in the dark that aren't there.

 

 

Today so far.. distant, normally we text back and forth more so now than before. I've gotten nothing from her today which is quite out of charter.

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She texted you a picture of her emooffice with her papers spread out to prove she was working?

 

What in the world prompted her to do that?? Were you grilling her about it? If so, stop doing that...it shows you are insecure, needy and controlling which is a huge turn off.

 

If you're that paranoid, stop dating her and seek therapy.

 

On the other hand, if she texted it on her own without your questioning her about it, then she probably wasn't working.

 

People who go to such great lengths to prove they aren't doing anything wrong, are probably doing something wrong...

 

Innocent people don't do such things in an attemt to prove their innocence unless they're being questioned about it...

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While deleting all her messages may seem odd some people just dont use FB for messaging. I dont, although I have some naughty dirt in there from way back lol

 

After work might be going out with coworkers.

 

You really need more information to make a solid inference.

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lucy_in_disguise

Its really hard to tell if youre being paranoid or not without some more solid evidence. It is apparent you dont trust her at all tho... whether because your gut is onto somthing, or cause youre paranoid.

 

I will also add that bring forced to account for each minute to someone, would cause me to start making excuses not to see them, like "im working late". Its not a great precedent to set in the relationship for a number of reasons.... suspicion kills intimacy and attraction.

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Thanks for the responses. I have been paying attention to her behavior. She does carry her phone with her everywhere. I mean at no time do I ever see it laying around anymore then again she just setup on a social network that I'm not on and I've noticed her on that quite often. She says it's for work and research which is true from what I know so far.

 

Now the staying late.. 5 hours late (which turned into 6 hours) is very unusual to me however that's happened once. My ex cheated so I'm aware of the signs. She didn't hit the shower when she came home however her office building is equipped with showers. Then again there's been a few days where she did shower the very second she got home. I know for sure that almost no one stays that late. She says she had to because of a big meeting and wouldn't have time in the morning. She even texted a picture of the empty office with her papers spread out. who knows maybe I'm over reacting. Normally she's 30 minutes or so late at most and that's at random. I typically don't question this as I know we can all get caught up in things at work, we can stop for fuel etc.

 

However the last couple of days she's become distant. I'd say sex hasn't been there or the same in a few weeks. Then again she just got promoted so who knows, maybe she's stressed? The really weird thing is I was gone for a week and when I got back. A few days later she suddenly decided to clean out her car. I could well be wrong and stabbing at things in the dark that aren't there.

 

 

Today so far.. distant, normally we text back and forth more so now than before. I've gotten nothing from her today which is quite out of charter.

 

 

You've been dating her a few months. Do you live with her?

 

Most of my coworkers will stay late in the office all evening when we have a deadline. Not sure what type of work she does, but if it's competitive and she has deadlines, it might just be the nature of her job. About once a month or two, during the week leading up to a deadline, it's not atypical for people in my office to stay until midnight.

 

I'm leaning towards you being a bit paranoid. The facebook thing isn't very strange to me at all. Some people delete everything.

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You've been dating her a few months. Do you live with her?

 

Most of my coworkers will stay late in the office all evening when we have a deadline. Not sure what type of work she does, but if it's competitive and she has deadlines, it might just be the nature of her job. About once a month or two, during the week leading up to a deadline, it's not atypical for people in my office to stay until midnight.

 

I'm leaning towards you being a bit paranoid. The facebook thing isn't very strange to me at all. Some people delete everything.

 

Deleted..neverrmind.. :)

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Standard-Fare

OP, is it possible for you to put yourself in a more relaxed, less cynical mindset with this girl? The way you're interpreting everything sounds exhausting and unhappy. And if your GF gets a true sense of the way she's being monitored, I promise she'll head for the hills.

 

I understand that your ex did a number on your sense of trust and that's a shame. But I hope you can find ways to deal with that that don't involve sabotaging your current relationship.

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OP, you don't really explain how this might affect you. Nobody likes to get cheated on, but deep down inside, sometimes we don't care about the act itself. It's the disrespect that bothers us, the idea of it, rather than the fact that your GF is gettin' some elsewhere.

 

So what's the deal with you? You've only been seeing this girl for a few months...how emotionally connected are you? Would this devastate you? Bother you, but you'd get over it pretty quickly? Don't really give a damn when it's all said and done?

 

I think what you do about your suspicions depends a lot on what it would do to you if it were true.

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Before you jump overboard! Why don't you get yourself down to her job like 3:30 pm. Wait until she comes out and see where she goes. Or even go up to her and be with her. See how she reacts over you. You really need to know the facts what's going on. Either you spy on her and just confront her. I've been cheated on myself so I know what your going through. It's tough today because a lot of women still lie to us. Even though they promise you they won't.

 

Facebook is so impersonal but today so much goes on behind the close doors. Women use Facebook as the mystery unfolds. Yours is hiding things from you she deletes her messages. That means she someone else she's talking too. You have been cheated prior so you know the signs of a cheater.

 

If you feel she's cheating on you confront her otherwise. Go and follow her an see where or who she's with. You'll never sleep or be settle in your mind until you find out the truth. But the truth might hurt you more than it is doing now!

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There's quite a bit of red flags there. Staying extremely late like that, as well as sending you a photo of an empty office like she's trying to show you it's just her there when it's possible she could be doing that to cover her tracks. Than the showering right when she gets home at times. Cleaning her car when it seems she normally doesn't do that. Always having her phone on her at all times. Deleting all her facebook messages. Sex is way less frequent. Texting is way less frequent. It's one odd thing after another.

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There's quite a bit of red flags there. Staying extremely late like that, as well as sending you a photo of an empty office like she's trying to show you it's just her there when it's possible she could be doing that to cover her tracks. Than the showering right when she gets home at times. Cleaning her car when it seems she normally doesn't do that. Always having her phone on her at all times. Deleting all her facebook messages. Sex is way less frequent. Texting is way less frequent. It's one odd thing after another.

 

I agree but what makes no sense to me about this situation and others like it is....if she's going to such great lengths to hide her cheating...why not just break up with him?

 

I mean what's the point of continuing the relationship if she's not feeling it with him and has such such little respect for him that she has to cheat? If she is cheating, just go be with him (the guy she's cheating with) ....why cheat on her boyfriend? I have never understood this.

 

It's not like they're married and she's locked in via a marriage contract. They're just dating...either one is free to leave at any time...no questions asked.

 

So why hasn't she done that? Maybe because she's NOT cheating!!!!

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Maybe she is cheating - in your mind all the signs are there.

 

 

Maybe she has had a promotion, is working late, needs her car to be tidy for meetings (or maybe she just wants to appear a bit more professional), extra work and a more responsible role is pretty exhausting so she is spreading herself thinly elsewhere - all the signs are there.

 

 

I was in that situation a couple of years ago and my then partner was on my case all the time. I didn't have time, energy nor inclination to cheat.

I was working for two weeks a month until 10.30/11pm at night and some weekends too.

This past year I have altered how I work to allow much more time for dreadful clashing deadlines but at the time I had no time to prepare for it but also had a total lack of respect and empathy from the guy I had just started dating a couple of months before.

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Here's the thing.. I'm trying to look at things from her perspective if she...

 

 

A. Was cheating..

B. Isn't in fact cheating

C. Seeing it from the third person, what if it's all me?

 

 

If she was cheating with whom. I'm just thinking out loud here.. I indirectly know a few people at her company (which she isn't aware of) and from what I gather so far her supervisor is known within the company to like "a bit on the side". Even she has mentioned this in the past but stated she'd never see anyone at work. Her supervisor holds a very senior position and would lose that if evidence were found that something was going on. However she has been promoted twice in the past year but then again she's also been working her arse off. Although she did tell me when she was in her early 20's she had a relationship with a guy form work in order to move up the ladder but said it was a horrible mistake she wouldn't repeat. From what I've found out so far.. maybe 9 out of 10 women on her floor appear to not like her, but why?.. I don't know yet.

 

 

A another candidate would be one of her coworkers. When we met she said no "work people" on her social media and that she stuck to herself in the office. Then I found... a work person on her list that we both shared friends with. I found this funny and mentioned this to her back then and she seemed genuinely shocked at the time. She went on to say that they where in the talent show together and that's how he's on her list. I never asked why I questioned only the contradiction in her story. Months later she mentions they where going to do a talent show. I said great, will you have the same partner as last time. She seemed confused and asked what I was talking about. I said didn't you do a talent show last year. She says no, again I question the contradiction and she "clarifies" by stating they just talked at her desk.. Which there's nothing wrong with but it contradicts sticking to herself at work and "no work people on her SM"? If they where talking as she stated at her desk, per company policy that guy isn't allowed on her floor. He physically would have to be escorted in, yes she could let him in. she'd have to go to his floor to "talk". And yes the guy is her type, single but he's got 1000's of social media "friends" and all of my speculation could be just that speculation by someone "overthinking the details", to quote her. It just sits wrong with me that, that story from her had to change so many times? Why if it was innocent. I mean if she did see this guy before me that's her business no need to lie? I'm tempted to ask again and see if it changes yet again!

 

 

Maybe I'm a horrible paranoid freak or maybe something is up with this woman. I'm starting to get the feeling I need to make notes when she says things just to refer back a few months later to ensure she said what she said and it isn't me. I tend to have a good memory. From experience with my ex when stories are changed and adjusted like this, when "messages" are deleted and when someone starts suddenly having to work late or goes unaccounted for, for the best part of a day. Declines intimacy and/or picks random fights.. then it tends to mean they are hiding something. That something last time around was a case of my ex trying to have her cake and eat it too.

 

 

For the record I didn't ask her to prove if she was working late. I don't expect a partner to account for every minute. I do however raise an eyebrow when I'm able to poke holes in some of their stories or if their stories change. I'm very much detail orientated and big picture focused it's who I am and it's how I do what I do for work. I texted a few times to ask how it was going the night she "worked late", if she wanted to meet up for a bite to eat etc just small talk. She sent me the picture I believe to show me she was all alone at work and I had nothing to worry about? My ex did similar things at times.

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ExpatInItaly

Honestly, at this point, I don't think this relationship will last. She may or may not be cheating, but your mental gymnastics trying to figure out if she is and with whom suggest you don't trust her. The relationship isn't enjoyable. That's not healthy for you or for her. Might be time to move on.

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Honestly, at this point, I don't think this relationship will last. She may or may not be cheating, but your mental gymnastics trying to figure out if she is and with whom suggest you don't trust her. The relationship isn't enjoyable. That's not healthy for you or for her. Might be time to move on.

 

I think I'd want to know though if I'm being cheated on even if the relationship should end. I'd rather know for sure than always wonder.

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I had an ex who worked late on a project. the project was a loser guy she was having sex with

 

Yeah, I'm almost positive the OPs girlfriend has someone on the side. WAY too many red flags. I already listed most of them in my post from the other day. It's one after the other after the other. No way is that all a coincidence.

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I confronted her and dang it got ugly. it was over that day

 

You want to give specifics? Just curious, I understand if you don't want to though.

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I went through her phone and email and there mounds of evidence. I confronted her. she denied. I proceeded to tell her what was on her phone. she blows up and accuses me of everything under the sun and throws a tantrum. couldn't talk rationally to her. she called me names. it's over.

 

Awful. I bet she turned things around on you & pretty much thinks she did nothing wrong due to you going through your phone. Now she probably feels justified. Oh well, no loss since she sounds crazy anyway.

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