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Is my friend secretly in love with me or something else?


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Old 15th February 2015, 7:05 AM   #1
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Is my friend secretly in love with me or something else?

I've been friends with this guy for a year and we are both 26. When we met, we did date for a month but ended it since he felt confused about his feelings. I was basically a rebound but didn't know and he kept comparing me to his ex. We stayed friends and became extremely close. It's gotten to the point where we both refer to each other as soulmates. We just get each other and have a very intense connection. We spend a lot of time together, share secrets, many mutual friends assume we are already in a relationship, etc. Over the year I've had to move on, date other guys, do other things and although I still have feelings for him... I've had to move on and accept that we are just friends since this guy isn't doing anything about it.

Well this past Christmas me and him had sex for the first time (we fooled around when we dated but never had actual sex). It was really great, but then after a week he changed his mind and decided it was best to not have sex since he didn't have any feelings. Fair enough. That hurt but I let it go. A few weeks ago, we had this conversation on the phone where he was crying and being emotional for several hours. We never have emotional conversations like that normally... this came up because I noticed he had become a little distant since we had sex and I confronted him about it. He was telling me how special I am, how he can't believe he's met me, how he's pushing me away because all this is so scary, saying that we love each other but not really going into what that love means and so on. After that conversation, he'd send me emotional texts saying how he really wants to make it up to me (for being distant) and wants to stop sabotaging things.

Anyway, he asks me to hang out on Valentine's Day. We spent much of the day together, just laughing, having deep discussions, making jokes, a fancy dinner and it was great. I go over to his place and the conversations gets emotional again. He tells me how he can't picture his life without me in it but is scared because of the emotional intensity he feels with me and how he's never been so open before. He then talked about what happened when we dated, why it ended and went into all this detail. Then he kept going into things he remembered from our very first date. I asked him would he tell me if he had feelings for me and he actually said, "no, I wouldn't tell you if I had feelings for you. I'd hide that from you." I asked him why he would do that... and he said things with us are so intense he needs to be very sure of his feelings cause he doesn't want to ruin things between us, and he's never been open with another person like this before and feels romance will just complicate it. He then went on to explain that if he did have strong feelings for me, he'd hide it for months and even try to deny it. He then continued to say that he feels the only way he would do something about his feelings is if there was distance between us, major distance so that he could truly know how he feels! That he'd need to stop talking to me for several months to know if he truly wants me. Then 30 minutes later he starts talking about how we should stop being friends because he can't handle the emotional intensity and can't predict what will happen between us (so confusing!).

We started holding each other, then crying cause I couldn't believe he was suggesting ending the friendship, holding hands, which eventually led to kissing and a night of sex. Then we woke up cuddling, holding each other and saying things about how rare it is to meet someone like each other. He said we didn't have to cut off the friendship, more cuddling occurred, and then I went home.

This friendship seems really odd and I can't help but feel he has some really strong feelings but is super confused, or is hoping that if I do something rash like end the friendship that that will help him wake up and do something. Either that, or this is all in my head. What are your thoughts?
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Old 15th February 2015, 8:26 AM   #2
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He may hold you very dear and know that you are perfect on paper... But he may still not feel a spark. It doesn't sound like a friendship anymore either.
And I don't like how he is not being direct and bathes you with all this sappy nonsense. Are you sure you want someone who acts like such a sissy?
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Old 15th February 2015, 4:08 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by regine_phalange View Post
He may hold you very dear and know that you are perfect on paper... But he may still not feel a spark. It doesn't sound like a friendship anymore either.
And I don't like how he is not being direct and bathes you with all this sappy nonsense. Are you sure you want someone who acts like such a sissy?
I wouldn't say he's a sissy but he has been pretty emotional the past few weeks. And you are right, the friendship has changed a lot in the last few weeks. It was more normal before all the emotional stuff but I'm still very unsure how to interpret his behavior.

I get what you mean about the lack of a spark... but would love other opinions as well and insight on what to do.

EDIT: I just remembered something. I went to dinner with one of our mutual friends a few days ago. I don't make it into a habit to talk about him with her but she volunteered some information. He's only had 2 girlfriends. Basically with his last girlfriend, he also had a lot of confusion but mostly cause he liked her physically but didn't have an emotional connection with her at all. The first one there were some major issues like him cheating. His friend told me this because she finds it funny that he has physical and emotional attraction with me but continues to be confused... she mentioned that's very normal from him over the last 8 years that she's known him. She also mentioned that he's the type who can't really see what they have until they lose it or deal with feelings of jealousy.

Last edited by codelock; 15th February 2015 at 4:13 PM..
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Old 15th February 2015, 5:01 PM   #4
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I don't think he's ready for any kind of relationship right now - and he knows that. He doesn't know what he wants but he DOES know he doesn't want someone else to possibly have you.

It's rather selfish of him to say all these things you've listed, praise your emotional connection, and then pull back. It's clearly frustrating you.

I agree with the previous poster: he may not feel a spark with you, despite your "connection."
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Old 15th February 2015, 9:52 PM   #5
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He sounds like a mess (and honestly a bit of a sissy). Probably not someone you want a relationship with, he is constantly changing his mind. Keep him as a friend amd stop having sex, it should help clear the confusion.
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Old 15th February 2015, 11:52 PM   #6
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I think he isn't ready for a relationship with you, or is emotionally unstable long term... he's had long enough to know whether hes in love with you and to act on that properly...

Best to just decide for yourself through whatever process works for you, that you will just be friends for now.
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