Boyfriend did MDMA, the week after he feels differently about our relationship?

[acapelo_dp]

Alright, this may be a bit long but I need some unbiased opinions on this situation. I recently made a thread that my boyfriend of a year and a half did MDMA on January 30th, if you want to read that thread you can and I won't go into details. This probably isn't related but there is some background.

 

So, after we spoke on the phone the day after when we went to dinner I told him that I would compromise with him on his occasional drug use with some conditions. I would like to know when he did drugs, be safe, etc to which he agreed and we hung up. The week after that conversation, my boyfriend didn't really text me at all and we didn't see each other. Now, this isn't particularly unusual because we both aren't into texting all day everyday and usually send a few texts every second day. However, I knew something was off when I didn't get any from him for about 6 days. Mind you after the third day I did text him good night and said "hope you had a good day!" and he responded back right away enthusiastically and loving as usual, calling me my pet name. He always responded lovingly as his usual self..

 

I work Saturdays but usually we will hang out Saturday nights and Sunday. I texted him Saturday afternoon asking if we had any plans this weekend, to which he responded "Yeah I thought we were hanging out tonight" and he asked me to go to the mall with him to get some new pants. I said sure. He picked me up from work, and when I asked him why he was so distant this week he said that work was really busy and he was stressed out. I accepted that because well, he gets stressed out very easily and he doesn't particularly enjoy his job right now.

 

Anyways he just wasn't talking to me much and looked really sad. It looked like he hadn't showered, shaved, or made much effort to look decent. He looked tired and was irritable. Finally when he dropped me off I told him I didn't feel like spending time together tonight, as he didn't appear in the mood. He finally opened up to me and told me that the last 7 days he has been spending time all by himself, and he has really enjoyed not talking to anyone or seeing anyone and that seven days alone wasn't enough. He said he still loved me and wanted to see me but he wanted to be by himself. I admit I did cry and over react a bit, I was hurt, I said maybe we need to spend time apart and I went on my way home.

 

He didn't text me Saturday night or Sunday. Sunday evening I texted him asking if he could quickly pick me up from my boss' house, as we were all drinking (including me) and I didn't feel safe transiting home alone. He lives only a few minutes away. He said "Of course, just let me know the address and when and I will be there." He arrived on time and we ended up coming to my place and he spent the night.

 

We talked and he opened up more and said that he truly loves me, but hes been feeling down the past week and has debated the pros and cons of breaking up with me. He just hasn't wanted to be around anyone. That he doesn't know if he wants freedom and doesn't like to be responsible for someone's happiness and emotions.

I got emotional but I told him that I understood, and that I loved him more than anything. We had some really good sex and cuddled all night. I broke up with him. I asked him if he would still come to the science centre with me this Thursday (I pre-bought tickets for an event and didn't want to waste money) and he said of course and he said that he really wants to spend Valentines day with me and has everything planned, he really insisted. I agreed.

He was really loving during the night saying "____, I really do love you." "what if this isn't what I want...? You're the best girl I know I will ever have hands down." and in the morning left and said "I love you, I love you. Bye gorgeous. I'll see you Thursday at the latest?" I told him "I'll see you Thursday night." He hugged me tight, gave me a kiss and went to work.

 

That night he texted me around 11:30pm asking how my day went, I told him and he said he didn't end up travelling for work today. I responded "Yeah long drives aren't fun..." and he responded "Unless you have your favourite bunny with you, then it makes it OK." (He calls me "bunny" as a pet name...yeah lame lol). I didn't acknowledge the comment and said good night.

 

Anyways this is pretty sudden. He has been super in love with me even the past few months before this week. We went on vacation together and we honestly became so much closer. We hardly argue or fight, we act like best friends. One issue is he does live with his entire family as I have mentioned in threads before and sometimes it stressed him out extremely bad as he is taking on most of the financial burden of the expenses (I won't get into his family too much but they have a lot of issues and he wanted to help them). My boyfriend has felt like this once before last summer as well and we went through the same situation.

 

Anyways, I broke up with him basically but I am just wondering how he can go from being completely in love with me, planning our next vacation together, discussing moving in together, to the next week he "doesn't know" what he wants in life anymore? This is a guy who a week ago said he never wants to break up with me. I moved to this city to be with him so I am quite upset about it. I really am in love with him and want it to work out but I know it can't. Any words of advice?

[d0nnivain]

He's picking drugs over you. Stick around at your own peril.

[acapelo_dp]

He's picking drugs over you. Stick around at your own peril.

 

I don't think the drug use is the issue. That was the first time he did MDMA in like 3 years and he isn't a user, it's once or twice a year. I am more worried that maybe he is having drug induced depression or something temporarily..but that doesn't seem plausible in this situation.

[umirano]

Breaking up and then going on dates together? Bad idea. Spending valentine's day together? Even worse.

 

You're the dumper. Take responsibility for both of you and invite someone else along for the science center. And look up "sunk costs". That money isn't wasted if your EX doesn't come along.

[rester]

I don't think the drug use is the issue. That was the first time he did MDMA in like 3 years and he isn't a user, it's once or twice a year. I am more worried that maybe he is having drug induced depression or something temporarily..but that doesn't seem plausible in this situation.

 

I'm a little confused by this situation and what you want from him, as it seems like you broke up with him but you are not really broken up.

 

The opinion that I do want to mention is that I don't agree this has anything to do with the drugs. It doesn't sound like there's any evidence of him choosing drugs over you at all, and question why it was even mentioned in the OP.

[BeatsByDirk]

I would question my relationship with you too after reading the last post.

I hate when my wife questions my MDMA use. I'm 35, have about 12 trips under my belt, about 3 a year. I always wait til I'm out of town with friends, have a hotel and no driving. She always gets scared and tries to talk me out of it with old facts that aren't relevant/disproven.

MDMA does rape you of seratonin for a few weeks which translates to being a little moody, tired and things seems a little less intense which include emotions particularly emotions of love and acceptance.

If I'm doing MDMA, want to blow off steam, get some clarification on some emotions that have been hard to process and on the backside I have my who partner wants to question me and how I want to govern my consciousness then I will question to what level I want that allow that into my life.

If he has really good MDMA he should be a little extra stressed/tired/irritable for 2 weeks but hopefully all the questioning will leave him with a more firm idea of what he wants. It's definitely a process, he might not even be fully aware of the process.

I think breaking up was a good idea. You two are on different wavelengths!

Take the positive experiences of this relationship and cherish them but if you two have a huge philosophical divide over exploration, fun and managing concuousness as well as the aftermath of those situations it's best to part ways, should be no hard feelings either, I don't think he's a drug addict you two just have different ideas on how far entertainment should go.

You could still work this out but honestly I think this type of issue will persist and get carried over into ideas about what marriage is and how to raise children. I think you two have two different schools of thought and even though you can have fun and enjoy each other, when it comes to the bigger issues it'll be harder to see eye to eye.

Definitely though if it's between this dude and one who drinks daily I would stick to ecstacy boy!

[Omei]

I don't think the MDMA had anything to do with your recent week honestly.

 

We as people have highs and lows

 

Or at least I know I do sometimes in relationships I can become drained from too much contact and just go into a period of more space for myself while I reboot and often return back to normal.

 

I don't know maybe you should of taken his word for it when he said he was stressed perhaps you should of given it/him more than a week.

[barcode88]

I don't think the OP was being unreasonable. She's well within her right to draw the line on drugs -- and she was even willing to compromise.

 

 

Why stay with someone who gets burned out/stressed from drugs and is emotionally unavailable for weeks at a time?

[Art_Critic]

I don't think the drug use is the issue. That was the first time he did MDMA in like 3 years and he isn't a user, it's once or twice a year. I am more worried that maybe he is having drug induced depression or something temporarily..but that doesn't seem plausible in this situation.

 

Well.. that is a codependent enabling response.

 

Stop trying to fix him and let him crash and burn with his drug use.. oh.. and he is most likely lying to you about how often he does drugs.. that is what we addicts do while under the influence...

[serial muse]

OP, if I understand correctly, what you're asking is whether his use of MDMA a week earlier is influencing how he feels right now about being in a relationship. Right?

 

Seems like the short answer is probably yes. But the long answer is: Does it really matter? I get the sense that what you're really asking is whether it'll go away once his serotonin levels are back up.

 

Well, maybe. But the fact is, it's still making you unhappy and you still have to deal with it, even if it's chemically induced. He pushed you to break up with him, and you both still have to deal with that, too.

 

Sounds to me like he isn't really ready to be in a relationship. I think it's a maturity thing. If his drug use - infrequent as it may be - has that profound of an impact on your relationship, then it's too much. Period.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think he's feeling constricted by your requests about his recreational drug use. Your requests were reasonable, and if he didn't want to comply, he should have discussed that with you. Instead he's pulling away. I say let him go. He might come to feel he's being unreasonable, but he'll have to arrive at that realization himself. You're not going to push or pull anything out of him. If he genuinely feels he'd rather be alone and not have to answer to anybody about his drug use, it doesn't seem workable.

[acapelo_dp]

Okay I want to get one thing straight - I'm sorry if I was unclear but he is definitely not an addict. He occasionally does psychodelic drugs and by occasionally I mean goes between years and months between use. I was wondering if maybe he was having a "down" the week after using, due to his low mood and change of our view on the relationship and life so suddenly.

 

I compromised with him saying that I have no problem with him using the drugs as long as 1. He tells me 2. He is safe 3. He has ample time between uses (i.e., at LEAST 6 months). I did not in anyway tell him he could not to them and I didn't restrict him in this relationship. He gets plenty of space as we only see each other about twice a week, three at most. He goes out with his friends as he pleases and our relationship is supportive and healthy.

 

I agree it's not the best idea to go on a date. However, I still love him and I want to spend Valentines Day with him. But he knows it's over for right now. He basically was just confused as to whether he wants to be in a relationship but he still loves me, and I don't doubt it. He is just a dreamer - nothing is ever good enough for him in his life in all aspects (especially work) - he always has new ideas of opening up a cafe, creating things, moving somewhere new...and I guess maybe he feels he can't have the freedom to do what he wants while with me, despite the freedom I do give him. I want someone to eventually marry - not that he knows that but. I am a realist and I see things for how they are.

[barcode88]

Okay I want to get one thing straight - I'm sorry if I was unclear but he is definitely not an addict. He occasionally does psychodelic drugs and by occasionally I mean goes between years and months between use. I was wondering if maybe he was having a "down" the week after using, due to his low mood and change of our view on the relationship and life so suddenly.

 

I compromised with him saying that I have no problem with him using the drugs as long as 1. He tells me 2. He is safe 3. He has ample time between uses (i.e., at LEAST 6 months). I did not in anyway tell him he could not to them and I didn't restrict him in this relationship. He gets plenty of space as we only see each other about twice a week, three at most. He goes out with his friends as he pleases and our relationship is supportive and healthy.

 

I agree it's not the best idea to go on a date. However, I still love him and I want to spend Valentines Day with him. But he knows it's over for right now. He basically was just confused as to whether he wants to be in a relationship but he still loves me, and I don't doubt it. He is just a dreamer - nothing is ever good enough for him in his life in all aspects (especially work) - he always has new ideas of opening up a cafe, creating things, moving somewhere new...and I guess maybe he feels he can't have the freedom to do what he wants while with me, despite the freedom I do give him. I want someone to eventually marry - not that he knows that but. I am a realist and I see things for how they are.

 

Any drug can alter a person's personality even after cease of use.

 

 

I used to smoke pot, and one time I had a really bad panic attack, and even after I stopped using it, I had anxiety that didn't go away for like 6 months, and it literally altered my personality (albeit temporarily -- I'm fine now).

[acapelo_dp]

I don't think the MDMA had anything to do with your recent week honestly.

 

We as people have highs and lows

 

Or at least I know I do sometimes in relationships I can become drained from too much contact and just go into a period of more space for myself while I reboot and often return back to normal.

 

I don't know maybe you should of taken his word for it when he said he was stressed perhaps you should of given it/him more than a week.

 

Usually I do give him a lot of space. I mean, for those seven days I texted him twice just to see how he was but I figured he was stressed and busy. I never really nag him or bug him too much, hes pretty introverted. However I agree I think I over reacted when he first told me he didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, even me. It hurt. But I can't change it now unfortunately.

I didn't know whether he was going to reboot or not, maybe he will and maybe he won't. Hell, even when I go over to his place most of the time he doing his own thing (video games, working on a board game, etc) while I keep myself busy doing work on my laptop or something. I don't know how much more space I could give him without being in an unhealthy, un-fulfilling relationship..

[rester]

I'm glad you cleared up the addict comment. Using drugs a couple or a few times a year does not constitute an addict any more than someone that is a social drinker, no matter what your personal opinion on drug use is.

 

But I have to ask...

 

I want someone to eventually marry - not that he knows that but. I am a realist and I see things for how they are.

 

Don't you think that's something your partner should know about??

[amaysngrace]

When you act like a mom to your boyfriend he will go and find himself a girlfriend.

 

Probably one who does drugs too.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if you're quite sure this isn't a chemically-induced issue, and the relationship is otherwise healthy from your perspective, then I'm afraid you've got a bigger problem on your hands. He's either been having doubts for a while now, someone else has caught his eye or he's experiencing some rather bewildering depression. It doesn't change the bottom line though, which is that he doesn't see you two together right now.

 

I agree with others. Spending Valentine's Day together is very unwise. Makes no sense if you were serious abut breaking up with him.

[acapelo_dp]

I'm glad you cleared up the addict comment. Using drugs a couple or a few times a year does not constitute an addict any more than someone that is a social drinker, no matter what your personal opinion on drug use is.

 

But I have to ask...

 

 

 

Don't you think that's something your partner should know about??

 

He knows I eventually want to get married - not until I am at least 30 though (I am 24). I am not exactly ready for it now but I am ready to live together. We have discussed it and he said he wants to. I guess not though.

[acapelo_dp]

OP, if you're quite sure this isn't a chemically-induced issue, and the relationship is otherwise healthy from your perspective, then I'm afraid you've got a bigger problem on your hands. He's either been having doubts for a while now, someone else has caught his eye or he's experiencing some rather bewildering depression. It doesn't change the bottom line though, which is that he doesn't see you two together right now.

 

I agree with others. Spending Valentine's Day together is very unwise. Makes no sense if you were serious abut breaking up with him.

 

There is definitely no other girl. I trust him completely and he wouldn't have the energy to go out and look for someone. He even said that I am the best girl he knows he can ever get (if it's even true) and what if this is a mistake.

I believe that he is depressed honestly. He takes on a lot of responsibility and is always doing things for his family - and he also hates his job right now. That combined with being in a relationship is probably just too overwhelming for him. He over thinks absolutely everything.

He is the most unique person I have ever met or dated. I can't seem to figure him out, and I am tired of trying to make him happy when he is just not happy inside.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Amaysngrace is right on target. If you have to set rules on his hobbies you're already on very dangerous ground. He may not be an addict but he wants to use drugs more than he wants to make you happy. Isn't that reason enough to end it?

[barcode88]

Amaysngrace is right on target. If you have to set rules on his hobbies you're already on very dangerous ground. He may not be an addict but he wants to use drugs more than he wants to make you happy. Isn't that reason enough to end it?

 

I don't think most people would see drugs as a "hobby"....

[ExpatInItaly]

There is definitely no other girl. I trust him completely and he wouldn't have the energy to go out and look for someone. He even said that I am the best girl he knows he can ever get (if it's even true) and what if this is a mistake.

I believe that he is depressed honestly. He takes on a lot of responsibility and is always doing things for his family - and he also hates his job right now. That combined with being in a relationship is probably just too overwhelming for him. He over thinks absolutely everything.

He is the most unique person I have ever met or dated. I can't seem to figure him out, and I am tired of trying to make him happy when he is just not happy inside.

 

I took a look at your posting history. I'm assuming this is the same boyfriend you've started a lot of other threads about. If so, then it's clear that thins have been rocky for a while and you haven't felt secure about the relationship for some time now. This is the same guy who told you that he isn't ready to settle? If so, you're now seeing that he was serious. I think his recent about-face isn't connected to drugs; I think you're seeing what you've been afraid of for the last several months. He doesn't feel the same way about you. Re-read your own past threads to see the pattern. This wasn't out of the blue. And given how much you questioned, doubted and lamented about him and the problems you've had with him...why are you now doubting your decision to break up? Something clearly wasn't working for you either.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I don't think most people would see drugs as a "hobby"....

 

Neither do I. None of my friends use drugs and I don't think hard drugs are compatible with being a responsible adult. But if she put similar restrictions on a hobby like video games he'd resent her for it just as much. She shouldn't have to parent her boyfriend.

[acapelo_dp]

I took a look at your posting history. I'm assuming this is the same boyfriend you've started a lot of other threads about. If so, then it's clear that thins have been rocky for a while and you haven't felt secure about the relationship for some time now. This is the same guy who told you that he isn't ready to settle? If so, you're now seeing that he was serious. I think his recent about-face isn't connected to drugs; I think you're seeing what you've been afraid of for the last several months. He doesn't feel the same way about you. Re-read your own past threads to see the pattern. This wasn't out of the blue. And given how much you questioned, doubted and lamented about him and the problems you've had with him...why are you now doubting your decision to break up? Something clearly wasn't working for you either.

 

Yeah, I realize that now. The past 6 months things have been amazing though - he always talked about the future with me, was excited to plan to move in with me (and get me a puppy), told me our vacation together made us closer and always told me how in love he was with me. I truly thought he didn't feel like that anymore. He's just not ready for anything serious. So I know it has end. No matter how much it hurts. Hurts even more that I moved across the country to be here. Luckily I have a full time job, apartment, and network of friends or I'd be screwed.

[acapelo_dp]

Neither do I. None of my friends use drugs and I don't think hard drugs are compatible with being a responsible adult. But if she put similar restrictions on a hobby like video games he'd resent her for it just as much. She shouldn't have to parent her boyfriend.

 

Funny though, I took the advice I was given here. I was going to break up with him. I thought a healthy relationship was about compromise? It would be parenting if I told him "no." In no way did I parent him on this.