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My girlfriend might not be relationship material


Lateralus84

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I'm 30, she's 25.

 

I met her last year at a festival. It started out as a one night stand at her place. Shortly afterwards she said she usually is not into that stuff. Anyway, I didn't think too much about it. We met a couple of times afterwards while going out, and she used to approach me very drunk and dragged me into her bedroom again and again: she seemed more like a FB to me I could easily use for sex.

 

Our first real date was months later. Yes, I fell in love with her. I didn't ask much about her past relationships, because I did not want to know. She mentioned once having 2,5 one night stand and later on she said she had just 1 and no more. Nothing to be concerned of, I thought.

 

We went out together getting drunk and everytime we kept on running into some guy she knew (male friends) and last week I lost her in some club and cought her flirting: her hand was grabbing this "friends" face like he tried to kiss her or the other way around. The flirty way she did it, kind of made me feel bad about her drunk behaviour, leaving me think: what about the times I am not around? Her boundaries seem absent when drunk.

 

We have an official relationship for 1,5 month now. Yesterday I was introduced to her parents. This was the moment our relationship felt truly serious for me, so we finally had a conversation about the past. I turned out that I was the first serious relationship she was in! I'm practically the first boyfriend she introduced to her mom and stepdad. But what did she do the years before me? She had "dated" a few men, and this one one night stand and that's where the information stopped.

 

I tried to think rationally by summing up some facts: she is flirty, touchy, drinks a lot, is a true self proclaimed party girl, had lived with roommates in different places since he was 18, her friends are simply major sl*ts and NEVER had a serious relationship before me. She always said she is the one who looks after her sl*tty friends and would never engage in that kind of behaviour. She has daddy issues (bipolar alcoholic dad)

 

Just for the experienced people on this forum: could it be that I'm involved with a very promiscuous woman? No matter how sweet she is, I just keep having this bad feeling in my gut.

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Possibly. You certainly can't believe otherwise just because she says so. No-one ever goes around admitting to their worst faults. the number of times I heard guys say they 'weren't that kind of person' then go on cheating on girlfriends, wives, etc. Watch how she acts.

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Yeah, she has probably gotten drunk and slept with lots of guys but you are the one she fell in love with and wants to be her bf. Alot of guys do this to.

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You could set up a golf course with the amount of red flags this woman is sending you. Gut feeling is usually right. I can hear the excuses roll off her tongue the first weekend she cheats when you're not there. How do I know?? Take a guess.

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2,5 one night stand?

How the hell do you have only half a one night stand?

lol

 

I have nothing to add other than what was said already. The heavy drinking would bother me too.

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Thank you so much people for your replies! Yes, the red flags and the drinking have been bothering me since the beginning. But when you're more like FBs these are irrelevant: it's just the relationship mindset that totally changed my perspective and that's when my inner troubles came in. Yesterday I was hit by this sudden realization: this woman is who I am in a relationship with.

 

Maleficent: her logic was that I was the 0,5 part. She counted me as 0,5 because we proceeded seeing each other afterwards.

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Sometimes people change because their partner gives them new purpose, and direction. She's 25 now, maybe she is ready to push forward who knows. You need to communicate with her. Express your concerns about her behavior, talk about relationship boundaries and expectations. Let her know you would like this relationship to have a future and have meaning. Ask her if she is ready for that. Then set the bar for her. If she keeps being the bar bimbo then you breakup with her.

 

TBH tho, yo are 30 looking for something serious, why are you not dating someone closer to your age and maturity level?

Edited by smackie9
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After she has been sober for 6 months she will be able to better determine what is the right direction for herself. Until then, leave her alone. Nothing but problems ahead.

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Smackie, thank you for your advice. I will see how it unfolds the next days; that's all I can do. I am just not a fan of setting boundaries or bars: I really believe in freedom in relationship. But it conflicts with my concerns of her drunkeness at the same time.

 

Answer to you question: I am not sure. I admit I have some commitment issues myself and attract the these types of women (younger, adventurous) all the time. At the same time, I truly want to make these relationships work.

 

I also look and behave much younger: like a 26 y/o or something. I might want to work on myself in order to go for the older, more serious and responsible women.

 

OMC: I cannot imagine her sober for so long. She is a party girl and drinking is in our culture. She cut down the partying tremendously last months, but still gets occasionally drunk yes.

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People do grow up.

 

Heck I used to drink like a fish, be very manic and really mad.

 

Now I drink tea in pubs, still a bit manic as I like to be active and now refer to my madness as eccentricity... I am still game for almost anything and one first meeting many would assume I am bit of a tart. Not true at all. Yes I a flirty, bubbly and happy. Am I going to shag around? Absolutely not.

 

Does not mean I am not 100% loyal and dedicated to my partners. Shame they are not the same with me really.

 

I am told that I take the words lovely and nice to a whole new level but does any guy want that and not want to abuse it for their own means and ends? We shall see with the next one.

 

Actions speak far louder than words. Good luck.

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Smackie, thank you for your advice. I will see how it unfolds the next days; that's all I can do. I am just not a fan of setting boundaries or bars: I really believe in freedom in relationship. But it conflicts with my concerns of her drunkeness at the same time.

 

Answer to you question: I am not sure. I admit I have some commitment issues myself and attract the these types of women (younger, adventurous) all the time. At the same time, I truly want to make these relationships work.

 

I also look and behave much younger: like a 26 y/o or something. I might want to work on myself in order to go for the older, more serious and responsible women.

 

OMC: I cannot imagine her sober for so long. She is a party girl and drinking is in our culture. She cut down the partying tremendously last months, but still gets occasionally drunk yes.

 

Trust me on this, all relationships need "communication" about expectations and boundaries. If you would rather just stick your head in the sand, and never express your concerns, or what makes you feel uncomfortable to your partner, then your relationships will keep failing.

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This may sound stupid Smackie, but I portray (subconsciously I think) this alpha "I dont give a ****" mentality, acting like I do not care because I am confident enough to trust her wherever she is, whatever she does. This mindset seems to backfire everytime, because I DO care and this comes out eventually and mostly with stacked anger. From your experience: how do you communicate about this stuff without acting desperate/weak/needy?

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I think at your age you can easily find a non-party girl.

 

Too many young woman use being even the slightest bit drunk as an excuse to flirt care free while being in relationships, and they know very well they do it.

 

There are countless girls who would value a relationship more than what your gf show's go for one of them.

 

 

Even tho it's her first serious relationship anyone with common sense knows flirting with other men is a no no to have to need to do the talk with her shows me her intent is to do so until you complain and it's going to be that way with various other things as well.

Edited by Omei
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Well lets take her incident with that guy, and you could say in a calm manner "What you did just there made me feel uncomfortable.....would it have been appropriate if I had did that with some girl?" "would that have been ok with you?" "I know you were just joking around but it doesn't look good." " I'm your BF, can you not respect that? Most guys wouldn't let their GF get away with that and make a scene....I'm not that guy, but I needed to say something about it."

 

*Note approach the subject the next day in person when she is sober.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Lateralus84

A late reply. Enigma32: you are describing what my gut says. But I doubt answering to my fears (and things that COULD happen but without any proof they happened) is a wise thing to do.

 

Nevertheless I get more confused. She told me she loved me for the first time, well that was nice, and still is very sweet and takes the initiative in sending me messages. She even bought me a card in which she writes how much she likes to be with me.

 

But, recently she was scrolling through her facebook messenger when lying next to me in bed and I saw all these guys (male friends, collegues I suppose) that she was messaging with. I didn't really see what kind of stuff it was: it is none of my business and it could be very harmless: especially because she has put her relationship status on being with me so they'd all know. But still it kind of disturbs me... and what makes me more suspicious is that she is online at messenger a great amount of time (80% of the times I check my FB) but never posts anything on her wall. She also mentioned an old classmate (guy) she met at the gym who she tries to put together with her roommate, and a guyfriend who is coming back from abroad that wants to have a drink with her.

 

Another thing: I was drunk the other night and one of her friends called me "acting jealous" while I wasn't doing anything! So I called my gf on that and she did not understand where that came from, because, so she said, I never acted that way.

 

Not sure how to act on all this, so I remain stoic. The idea of losing her is painful, but my gut you know... not sure if I'm becoming paranoid or if I'm truly with the wrong one. I AM having commitment issues due to a very traumatic past, which resulted in feeling depressed from time to time. She might be seeing I'm avoiding the relationship sometimes, my instability might have turning her off (while I never acted needy or something, just cold and distant and, once, angry), and doesn't feel very secure in it so keeps other options open? Not sure.

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You tell her that you are not going to accept it and your walk away because it's too early on to deal with it.

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Why stay in a position where you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, unsure, upset, etc. It's unhealthy to be in this constant state of negativity, a relationship should make you feel loved, happy, content, secure, and fulfilled. Stay with her, you are denying yourself of these things.

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in my opinion, you should be emotionally and physically satisfied by your partner only. She is not with you, because she needs constant attention from other men. There is no dedication to your relationship or you.

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Lateralus84

But it could be my own trouble, these psychological problems, that prevent me to feel fulfilled. I sometimes think I only see the bad stuff and not the good stuff...

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Smackie is bang on the money. To be more blunt: She's an attention whore. Proceed at your own risk.

 

I have been in your shoes. I couldn't get myself to not take her back over the course of almost two years. I probably broke up with that chick 4 or 5 times over shady behavior with other guys who crushed on her, over drug induced disappearances (she might have cheated on me, never found any evidence though), over talking negatively about me to a guy crushing on her, etc. I took her back because she was beautiful, I liked her character otherwise, she was sweet generally, like you describe your GF, etc... All those things, I know what you're going through.

 

But the signs are there, she's a butterfly, now for a few months resting on you, but soon she might take off, with or without informing you.

 

What am I rambling. Pull the trigger and rid yourself of the worries and anxiousness that the RS with this gal creates. You won't be able to convert her. No one can teach her except for experience.

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Lateralus84

The signs... she must be, like your ex. She isn't very beautiful, but she is sexy and has a very high sex drive until today. And, although I am her first relationship and she is a party girl AND she is into one night stands, she said she only had 10 bedpartners including me. I think she lied.

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