PinkCarnations Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) there's a guy I'm talking to who is currently overseas in the military. he's not my boyfriend, but I still send him care packages. I've sent one for Christmas and I i just sent out another for Valentine's Day. I take a lot of time to go shopping for all his favorite snacks, buying him books, movies, music, etc to fill the package. I've probably spent at least $150 on him so far, but money is not a big deal for me, especially if it's for someone I like. Also, whenever he messages, I usually reply right away, sometimes running to my phone. This is because he is using a shared computer so he'll log off facebook when there's no reply. Also when we do message, the ratio of my messages to his is around 3:1. His messages are always short and to the point whereas I always have a lot to say.. What bugs me is that a lot of times me and him will have a nice conversation on facebook, as in an actual back and forth chat, and then he'll randomly leave the conversation. I realize it's probably because he has to get back to work, eat lunch, or whatever but this happens every time and it makes me feel like he's just talks to me to kill time in between other stuff. Another thing that makes me feel like things are one-sided is.. Well, he was the first to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday but he never sent me anything for that or Christmas. In fact, he's never wished me a happy whatever for any of the holidays - thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years etc. I've always said it to him, and he'll reply thanks. Granted, he's generally not an affectionate person. The sweetest things he's said to me is about keeping me warm when we cuddle again, excited to hang out with me when he gets back, ask me what souvenirs I want, and whenever I ignore his messages, he'll send me another message to see what I'm up to. he'll also Skype me a lot when he has the opportunity and often asks me to send him pictures of myself. But otherwise, I don't know. I feel like I've been too nice to him. There's no challenge. I'm the girl he could always expect a reply from, a package from, a person to listen to his work problems.. But am I that girl you think, "aw she's so sweet" or the "geez she'll do anything for me" type?? What do you think I should do? I've been super bummed about how one-sided things feel, but I don't want to nag to someone who's not even my boyfriend. Plus maybe my expectations are too high and I'm not understanding of his personality (unaffectionate) and living situation (limited time & access to the Internet). Edited February 1, 2015 by PinkCarnations Link to post Share on other sites
Yookie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 there's a guy I'm talking to who is currently overseas in the military. he's not my boyfriend, but I still send him care packages. This is easy. I pick doormat for $150 Alex! Joking aside... you're doing too much for a guy who is not your boyfriend. Just stop. Save your time and generosity for someone who asks you to be his girlfriend. Until then use your time and energy to position yourself to meet your potential mate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I wouldn't really say you're being a doormat per se - I typically use that term to describe people who put up with ****ty treatment, and that's not really what you're doing. BUT, IMO you are being excessive with the gift-giving, and it's unlikely to produce the result you want - quite the opposite, in fact. It also sounds like he isn't into you anyway, so you should probably try to move on. I agree with Yookie, spend the time and energy you are spending on him, on yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 He's not your BF. That is the answer. Stop doing so much for him. Care packages are lovely for someone far from home but unless you are doing it from a support the troops perspective, you are kind of acting like he's your BF & then getting upset when he doesn't respond as such. Telling him you wish he would be more sensitive & wish you a happy whatever is OK but don't expect him to start with Valentine's Day Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 there's a guy I'm talking to who is currently overseas in the military. he's not my boyfriend, but I still send him care packages. I've sent one for Christmas and I i just sent out another for Valentine's Day. I take a lot of time to go shopping for all his favorite snacks, buying him books, movies, music, etc to fill the package. I've probably spent at least $150 on him so far, but money is not a big deal for me, especially if it's for someone I like. Also, whenever he messages, I usually reply right away, sometimes running to my phone. This is because he is using a shared computer so he'll log off facebook when there's no reply. Also when we do message, the ratio of my messages to his is around 3:1. His messages are always short and to the point whereas I always have a lot to say.. What bugs me is that a lot of times me and him will have a nice conversation on facebook, as in an actual back and forth chat, and then he'll randomly leave the conversation. I realize it's probably because he has to get back to work, eat lunch, or whatever but this happens every time and it makes me feel like he's just talks to me to kill time in between other stuff. Another thing that makes me feel like things are one-sided is.. Well, he was the first to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday but he never sent me anything for that or Christmas. In fact, he's never wished me a happy whatever for any of the holidays - thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years etc. I've always said it to him, and he'll reply thanks. Granted, he's generally not an affectionate person. The sweetest things he's said to me is about keeping me warm when we cuddle again, excited to hang out with me when he gets back, ask me what souvenirs I want, and whenever I ignore his messages, he'll send me another message to see what I'm up to. he'll also Skype me a lot when he has the opportunity and often asks me to send him pictures of myself. But otherwise, I don't know. I feel like I've been too nice to him. There's no challenge. I'm the girl he could always expect a reply from, a package from, a person to listen to his work problems.. But am I that girl you think, "aw she's so sweet" or the "geez she'll do anything for me" type?? What do you think I should do? I've been super bummed about how one-sided things feel, but I don't want to nag to someone who's not even my boyfriend. Plus maybe my expectations are too high and I'm not understanding of his personality (unaffectionate) and living situation (limited time & access to the Internet). I'm not seeing the doormat or the one-sided-ness of your situation. I take it he's on active duty, which means he's working. He shouldn't be texting you, etc., when he's working. But when he's off, you two seem to have conversations. He also could have a girlfriend he's talking to that you dont' know about. He may be a friend, but he's not necessarily obligated to tell you everything going on with him. If it's bothering you that much, then scale back what you're doing. If you don't want to do that, then open your mouth and speak up for yourself. He'll either make a change or drop you off at the mall. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 what was your relationship with him like before he left? why aren't you guys in an exclusive relationship? has he said he doesn't want that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkCarnations Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) what was your relationship with him like before he left? why aren't you guys in an exclusive relationship? has he said he doesn't want that? I met him a few weeks before he deployed. I saw it as more of a friends with benefits situation because I didn't want to get too involved with someone who was about to ship off. After he left, he started messaging me on facebook. Im 100% positive he does not have a girlfriend on the side. In fact, he says I'm the person he talks to most. I don't think he asked me to be his gf because we were only in the "getting to know each other" phase before he left. Also I think that he thinks it wouldn't be fair to ask me to be exclusive while he's overseas and we won't see each other for another couple of months (comes back this summer). But he has mentioned that I can't sleep with anyone else while he's gone and he would do the same. I didn't reply to him earlier, and I saw that he called me on facebook and sent me a snapchat, and a picture of him shirtless while I was sleeping. Oh, and he's shopping for a Persian rug for me because he knows I love home decor.. So there's that. Operation Scaling Back has begun. Let's see what happens. Edited February 1, 2015 by PinkCarnations 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I like that . . .scaling back but not cutting off things entirely. Hopefully things will smooth out when his deployment ends. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Thanks for the background info, I think knowing all of that there is no way to say he isn't into you etc. I would scale back and see what happens when he returns. Don't play games or ignore him but don't act like a gf when you aren't one, you know? I also don't think you should be putting all your eggs in one basket, I mean don't turn down another potential guy just for this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 i think you have pinned down what the problem is. Though try not to be negative to yourself and use the term doormat. You made a mistake that's all. Just learn from it. While you pointed out the specific examples that sum up your conclusion, I think as others are saying, repeat this to yourself: *Don't act like a girlfriend when you are not one yet. Guys need to work for this otherwise they will not appreciate what you are doing for them. You become the sure thing. That's an interest killer and they will take you for granted. Don't be so available or send him gifts anymore. You are putting his needs before yours and anticipating them like he is more important than yourself. Guys don't want that. They want a prize who puts herself first and is a challenge in that they can't take her for granted. You can do it! Good luck. Apply and practice in other parts of your life too. Link to post Share on other sites
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