Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) Okay so here it goes. My boyfriend and i moved out of my exes. Long story. My ex was abusive, and my bf saw and heard it all. Well my bf has never hit me, were playful and wrestle with each other but dont hit each other. Hes also an opiate addict, and while hes working on getting off them, its a long process. Hes been weening himself off and we had a disagreement about that bc he wants me to give them to him when he needs them. One morning he was mean iritable from withdrawels said for me to give his half pill but it wasnt time. I told him to get out if he was going to yell at me, told him several times before iot mad and pushed across the room up against a wall. He then took off with my ipad and i wrestled with him trying to get back, he both fell to ground he kicked me a few times in the stomach trying to get me off of him. He got away and ran up the stairs i follwed trying to get my stuff back. Inwrested with him for it on the stairs, i cant remember if he pushed me kr kicked me but i fell down the stairs, i could tell he didnt like it because he said just stop. We were in the kitchen he got his pills out my pocket and that was it. Hes only yelled at me like 2 or 3 times. Hes rarely yells at me or calls me names. Rarely. A few times when we first started dating but nothing worth remembering. Hes good to me he cooks, he cleans, helps with everything. Does my laundary. Financially we have been doing really bad bc he has a lot of tattoos and hard for him to get a job, and my car broke down. Etc but opinions on the situation please. What do you all think? Edited January 31, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Its not clear in your post who it was that pushed who? Link to post Share on other sites
bigbill647 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Simple answer. I'd say it does qualify as abuse. However considering the drug problem there is at least a reason for him to act that way. Not a very good one but a reason. Its up to you at this point to decide what you should do. Hopefully he'll be able to get off the drugs and wont act that way any more. In that case if you care about him I don't think it would be wrong to stay and help him. But if he continues to act that way I’d advise getting out or finding someone to help. I'd also recommend talking to him about it when he's more himself and making it known that you are not ok with being treated that way. Either way best of luck. I truly hope everything works out for the best with both of you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I pushed him up against the wall. When we were on the stairs he pushed me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 He offered to see a therapist with me. And i do care about him and want to help him. I will as much as i can but he does have to do it for himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You need to get out of this abusive relationship. It is dangerous. He is a bad addict. He can't "wean himself off." He will probably need a lot more support than you can offer. As you said, he is going to have problems going forward getting a job, under the best of conditions. You need to get out and away from him and let him take care of himself and you take care of yourself and support yourself and just keep doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I pushed him up against the wall. When we were on the stairs he pushed me. It could be said that you abused each other... Though opinions will vary on that... I see a problem with you dispensing his drug. It puts you into a parental role, which comes with some pitfalls. In that situation, he falls into a child mode of behaviour, as if asking mother for more sweets. Is he being treated for his addiction? If not, he should be. If so, you can make other arraignments such as getting his doses dispensed by a pharmacist, or other health practitioner. That would take away your need to be in parent mode. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 This is not an abusive relationship. This is the first instance ever hes done this and it was because i was going after him. Im not going to abandon him when he needs me the most. Hes not even a "bad addict" he takes opiates. Thats it, and it isnt even that much. The worst he did was take two zanax and made him sleep. When this happened he was taking 5 mg opiates half of one every 6 hours 3 times a day. Hes cut back a LOT. Hes taking care of his business and wants to get his life on track. He even offered to go to a therapist with me, he wants to get help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I agree satu it makes me feel like a parental figure which is why i didnt want to do it in the first place but he told me that if i do this it will help him ween himself. The only other treatment hes getting is his mom gives him siboxtin strips because he currently doesnt have insurance. So thats not really an option. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 he kicked me a few times in the stomach trying to get me off of him. This turned my stomach. One day you will get seriously injured or even killed over his fix. It does not take much of a blow to the stomach to rupture something, injure an important organ or provoke internal bleeding. You need to see the bigger picture here. He's in withdrawal, you don't have the physical strength to protect yourself against him. I am sure he has a heart of goal but one day, in one of his fit, he will do something irreversible to you. He needs to get himself in a rehab. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Yeah, it wasnt pretty. I cant even believe he did it. Its so not like him. The good part is that hes my size , and didnt do it hard but enough to where i let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 He got some traffic tickets and missed his court date, so hes in carcersted now. So hes withdrawing while hes there, he even said its a good thing hes there so he can get withdrawels out of the way and hes away from me while hes doing so. He kinda hinted at that. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 He yelled at you 2 or 3 times before, plus this time, plus "a few" times when you were first together (but it's hardly worth remembering, as you say). So, let's say he has yelled at you around 7 or 8 times. What about this is normal to you? Unless you guys have been together for about 10 yrs and he has lost his cool that many times in those 10 yrs, then I'd say he's definitely verbally abusive; that you traded one abuser for another. But you also have your own problems because you pushed him against a wall. I think therapy is a great idea for both of you. If you don't get this worked out, things will get much worse over time. Abusers don't typically change so this is going to take extreme effort from both of you. Here are some great basic rules to live by: don't date guys who are unemployable, don't date guys who yell at you very early on, don't date guys who are hooked on drugs of any kind, don't ever get in the habit of hitting men (or others, for that matter), or getting into fights with them, and last but not least, do not get pregnant when you're in this type of situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 The key to your future is in the past, if the past is what you want, drugs and abusive behavior then do nothing. If you want your future to be better and brighter then you need to remove him from your life. It's all nice and good to be there for someone but they still have to respect you and the things in your life.. if he is sponging off you because he can't get a job then he needs to be in school to learn a trade that the tattoos won't affect.. such as a welder, truck driver etc etc... Good Luck.. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) You both need professional help and support. Him for his addiction, and for you to address the consequences of being with an addict. He needs to be treated medically for the addiction. For you to try to work this out yourselves is unrealistic, as this episode demonstrates. Start as soon as you can looking for help. People here can offer general relationship opinions, but you need more than that. Edited January 31, 2015 by Satu Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Well, no. You mistunderstood bathtub user. I said hes yelled at me maybe two times. Then i said in the beginning he said hurtful things, but i have to admit coming out of an abusive relationship i was a real bitch for a while because i was in that relationship for 2.5 years so i think i got used to the behavior and starting coming out of me when i was in this relationship. That i have been working on but thats what i mean. He hasnt yelled at me that many times. Hes not verbally abusive, really he isnt. Hes said hurtful things before but it was out anger same as me and its jot a dayly basis or even a weekly or monethly basis. Therapy is the start, i think he should at least be in an outpatient rehab or aomething to work on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Hes not sponging off of me. He cooks for me, does my laundary, cleans the whole house. When i have money we share it and i pay for things, when he has money we share and he pays for things. The issue with him getting a job is his tats yes but my car broke down the our house caught on fire too so were living with a friend and trying to get back on our feet. He just got out of prison a year ago, his license just expired its suspension. He has to re get everything. I also lost my job because my car broke down. Its a mad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Do you need a maid ?.. Since you are both living with a friend is he learning a new skill set since he isn't employable with his current ones ? Being a drug addict is mostly why he is probably unemployable, if he isn't willing to go into an out patient program he will just start using again once he is out of jail, he needs the tools and support of other addicts to help him with his sobriety and those can only be found there.. Sorry about your job, is your car not fixable ? do you have family that can help with getting it repaired ? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 it never happens just once unless you leave. He has it in him and it will happen again. Opiates are the WORST addiction there is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Im not saying i need a maid, i dont. Im just saying he helps. He does his part so to say. But he has mentioned rehab several times. Hes more than willing the reason he hasnt yet actually is he thinks i will leave him when he goes to it ( if hes inpatient) because i said something about him being gone for weeks. But im just now starting to accept that that may have to happen for him to get the help he needs. My car has a problem idk how to fix so when i get my taxes im buying another car which should be soon here. The people we live with have cars and are helping. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 I know it never happens once, as i said before him i was in a severely abusive relationship in every way. For two years. So im less apt to put up with it, its just i love this guy more than i ever loved my ex i was with for two years, i dont know why or how. But im so in love with him it hurts. Hes not perfect but hes good to me. Thats why this incident has me very confused and hurt. Hes never done this and its very startling and surprising he would do this. But i guess you never know someone. I want to stay with him and help him get help, counceling, rehab the whole deal. Ill be there for him but i dont want to be in another abusive relationship amd it WAS a lack of respect and i dont deserve that. Iv made mistakes as well, but the kicking me in the stomach thing and pushing me making me trip, unnacceptable. Its so hard. I want this to work so badly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I know it never happens once, as i said before him i was in a severely abusive relationship in every way. For two years. So im less apt to put up with it, its just i love this guy more than i ever loved my ex i was with for two years, i dont know why or how. But im so in love with him it hurts. Hes not perfect but hes good to me. Thats why this incident has me very confused and hurt. Hes never done this and its very startling and surprising he would do this. But i guess you never know someone. I want to stay with him and help him get help, counceling, rehab the whole deal. Ill be there for him but i dont want to be in another abusive relationship amd it WAS a lack of respect and i dont deserve that. Iv made mistakes as well, but the kicking me in the stomach thing and pushing me making me trip, unnacceptable. Its so hard. I want this to work so badly. If you can get enough professional help and support, it will be possible to make real progress. Don't try to tough it out without help. Outside help is the key. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Kicking you in your stomach is really bad. If you stay after something that extreme, he will likely only get worse. He needs help, but someone he can beat up on isn't the person to help him. He probably needs to go dry out someplace with a strong man who can handle him and also be going to AA every single day for support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beautifullyscarred21 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Im looking at maybe couples counceling , therapists for me and him. Also looking for free or low cost rehabs and figure out what programs they have. Also the people we are living with are hip to his addiction and wint allow drugs here. So i think living here will help him stay off it. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 The reason he hasn't is that he is an addict.. the reason is just a made up reason, he is using a method of manipulation in order to keep you in the position of codependency.. it's why we addicts (or alcoholics in my case ) do. It's going to be up to you to draw that line and be codependent no more and no more enabling behavior like counting his drugs and such.. You need to learn that you cannot save the addict.. only he can save himself and you also need to learn how you contribute to enabling his behavior.. such as kicking you in your stomach. You can be supportive of his journey but you cannot be the reason for his journey, he is going to want to have to quit for good and for all.. no if's and's or buts about it, and he needs to not suck you any deeper into his addiction than he already has. Try and see to it that he gets into rehab, and you need some help too.. go to some addiction groups for the person involved with the addict... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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