male483 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Every fu@king argument she ends the relationship!!!!! What is this all about? been in 3 relationships and never experienced anything like it, there is a 2 year old kid involved, im 31 shes 27 and no matter what the argument is about she says 'its over'. I know she does it to get her own way but ive told her over and over it hurts like hell when she says it so why the fu@k would someone who loves you actually WANT to hurt you? It feels like everytime it happens i practically beg and plead and then she eventually says 'ok ill give it one more go' even if she was in wrong initially it ends up being me apologising and her saying 'ok lets give it 1 last go' its so infuriating. I know why she does it, to control the argument and get her way but its so childish, told her so many times if she didnt argue that way we'd be secure and fine and shes even admitted if i did go and sleep with someone else when she said it was over she'd feel awful but fact is.... everytime she says its over.... i never know if its true or not, i end up upset, angry and hurt everytime and questioning why im even bothering putting up with this **** anymore. Any advice on how to deal with such a manipulative idiot? Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Next time she says, "It's over." You say: "Goodbye." YOU are allowing this situation to continue happening. So stop it. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Any advice on how to deal with such a manipulative idiot? YES- next time she says "It's over" respond with "Thank the fuc%ing lord. See ya!!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 She does not know how to communicate. She doesn't want to relationship to end she just wants the frustration and the pain of the argument to end. She needs to pause and put the right words on her feelings. The only want she will realize the impact of those words is by learning the hard way. Warn her next time she says it's over it will be permanently over. Mean it and do it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Trouble is im that stupidly soft and obviously dont want to never see her or kid again that even when i've tried threatening it and going 'yeah fine ok cya' and walked out i dont hear from her for hours and i hate it but i sit there just waiting, cant get on with work dont know whether to book into a hotel becasue never know when shes going to let me back in. I know I should just go book a hotel for a week and teach her the hard way by turning phone off and just getting on with life as if im single then she might finally feel bad. She gets her family involved and everyone keeps saying 'give her time to calm down' but end of the day how can a relationship survive when someone doesnt know how to communicate She does not know how to communicate. She doesn't want to relationship to end she just wants the frustration and the pain of the argument to end. She needs to pause and put the right words on her feelings. The only want she will realize the impact of those words is by learning the hard way. Warn her next time she says it's over it will be permanently over. Mean it and do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 And an even bigger thing i hate is because she cant say sorry (admitted to me she cannot say sorry which to me is bollox every1 can she just chooses not too) im constantly putting up with it and its making me misserable, if i was 100% sure she didnt mean it this time id be ok but how do you get on if your worried she means it argh my insticts always tell me to fight to win her back. I need to switch off and just get a hotel and completly shut her out. Funny thing is theres 3 things she does that i hate, shuts me out, witholds sex after arguments and says the nastiest stuff, when ive done it back she hates it but i feel like a kid playing games, she knows it hurts so i shouldnt have to show her. Proper feel like just giving up. When kids are involved surely it should be more stable 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Oh and 1 other thing i absolutely love is she told me her ex walked out on her for weeks at a time and she cant get her head round how someone can do that to her and their child. So i took the kid on as mind we've been together nearly 2 years and all shes doing is basically what he did to her, throwing me out and ending it for days is the exact same what he did. got a feeling she treat him same but he had balls to just piss off where as i stupidly fight back. Fuming and feel sorry for the kid who sees me as a dad and im constantly not even sure if its the last time ill see him Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Funny thing is theres 3 things she does that i hate, shuts me out, witholds sex after arguments and says the nastiest stuff, when ive done it back she hates it but i feel like a kid playing games, she knows it hurts so i shouldnt have to show her. Proper feel like just giving up. When kids are involved surely it should be more stable That is awful. You will have to realize one day this is not a viable relationship. You taught her there is no consequences to her words by always coming back and accepting there will never be any apology. She walks all over you. Yes children are involved and if you 2 cannot act as responsible parents and solve your differences in private then you should not be together. What are you teaching these children with all that fighting and nasty narcissist things being thrown at each other. You are teaching them that verbal abuse is acceptable. For the sake of the children you should go, not stay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 She does it because it's a power move. If she's always the one to end things, she gets what she wants: the argument to end, and you at her mercy. Which of those do you have control over? First, why are you arguing so much? Who is starting the arguments? Can you work at better communication so arguments don't happen int he first place? Secondly, you should consider whether you really want to be with someone who handles relationships like this. I assume you are older than high school age, yet she's handling things like a teenager. Okay, so you still want to try. Here's the catch: Begging and crawling back are doing nothing but feeding her ego and giving her all the power in the relationship. She gets to keep a foot out the door as a way to control your behavior. It's extremely childish. You can only control yourself, so change what you have control over: call her bluff. Talk when you are not arguing, and tell her that you feel how she breaks up with you over dumb arguments is manipulative, and if she does it again, it's going to stick. You will accept her decision and you will not come back to her trying to fix things if it happens again. She's made a decision to end the relationship and you will respect that decision and be gone. And then follow up your words with actions. You reference waiting for "hours" before she talks to you as if that is an excruciating amount of time. Seriously, you can't even deal with not having this manipulative woman in your life for "hours"? Because it's going to take a lot longer than that to take away the rewards she gets for this behavior enough to compel her to stop it. She will have to experience the loss of you to want to change and you're going to have to be strong and consistent and stay away. You cannot impulsively contact her. You have to face your fear of abandonment and live with being alone if you ever want a chance for this to change. As it is, she's got NO reason to change what she's doing - it's working for her. Note that she doesn't care about your hurt feelings, she only cares about herself. You're the one who can't live under these conditions, so make her live with the negative impacts of her behavior. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 You're rewarding her for this out of desperation. It needs to stop. Get some boundaries and stick to them. No one NEEDS this for the rest of their life. You're building a very unhealthy relationship and if you think this is good for the kid listening and modeling after this childish fighting crap, you are dead wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Sorry, I got no sympathy for ya. You have a choice. You've made it. What do you think people who divorce with kids go through? There's no gun to your head, you're continuing to put up with it. No sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Why would she have to say "Sorry" to you? She knows she can have her way with you and you'll always come back like a sick little puppy dog. How about you MOVE OUT and stop subjecting yourself to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 There is the possibility that she does actually mean it, but when you start pleading she gives in, until the next time. SO. YOU have to sit down and discuss this calmly with her (not during a fight), say it is not good and that her child is suffering, which most probably he is. Ask her if she is unhappy and why (keep your temper under control and listen), ask her if she really wants you to go, ask her how things can be improved, suss out whether she wants it to be over or not. Tell her you do not want to go, but if she insists you will just go. Give her the opportunity in a calm way to say how she really feels. If she doesn't want you to leave, then tell her the next time she says it, then you two are over, no ifs, no buts, no maybes, and if she says it then you will not plead, you will just go. Of course you have to be prepared to follow through, if you then again start pleading your whole credibility would be in tatters Say it like you really mean it and if she says it again then you have no option but to go. No-one can live in a relationship that is push/pull like this and maintain their sanity, if it works out that you two are through, then at least you did try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Advice: Leave her. I charge $200/session. I take debit, credit, Paypal, money orders, and most insurances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) You are stuck in a loop. A very dysfunctional loop. You have to change your behaviour, because you can't directly change hers. Pack a bag and leave it near the door. Be prepared to pick the bag up, and walk out the door, if she goes nuclear on you again. You don't even need to say anything. She'll get the message. Edited January 31, 2015 by Satu 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 In my experience, women rarely threaten and mean it. What they do is get pissed and destroy your stuff and your sanity...examples include but are not limited to: ripping up your new shirt, going through your cellphone, sleeping with a friend, driving you insane, and oh yeah leaving. If she was going anywhere she would already be gone. She already has you by the balls, with having the child and everything. Her goal is to make you 1) look weak 2) look desperate 3) look like the one with the problem. By the time she does decide to leave you'll be a shell of the person you once were. Next time she says that to you, just tell her maybe it's for the best and hopefully she won't mind co-parenting. But be prepared to end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 She sounds like she has boderline personality disorder with the hurtful barbs, the drama, and the refusal to apologize. Look it upa nd see if it matches. If you've already asked her to not do it when you are both calm and not fighting the only thing left is leaving. It's tough, but you can do it. You'll have to go complete No Contact. You don't even realize how truly crazy and disfunctional everything is until you've been out of it for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 (edited) I can understand why people say they have 'no sympathy' for me. Everytime I do go through with it and fully leave, I start to move on then she messages me 'you dont know me at all if you think i wasnt bothered, why dont you ever listen' then we inevitably get back together. Its tearing me apart the games and the times (even when calm) ive said 'please for the sake of (insert childs name) please stop being nasty and stubborn, the next time you get angry just focus on him and make a decision a but more rationally and we will be fine, ill change too (i always add that line because if i dont she will go defensive thinking im blaming all our problems on her) and we will sort this together' she agrees and then the next argument.... (this one was my fault) but whether its my fault or her shes off again. She has done things that was 100% her fault but then given me silent treatment for that long (around 2 days) that ive manipulated myself into thinking 'yeah it must of been all my fault' the silence goes on that long that i eventually just run out of energy and decide its all my fault and i just stupidly apologise. I know it makes me look weak and pathetic. Just wish I had the bloody strength to just go. I already feel like if i had my own place to live id just leave her but its so hard financially and im just not sure what i want anymore. This argument was my fault i said some nasty things but stupidly thought it might be a good idea to give her some back to finally show her what its like but massivley backfired and now i feel childish and stupid for doing it but id honestly run out of ideas. Keep telling myself if she was just waiting for an excuse to leave then why the hell am i sticking around anyway when theres plenty of woman whod actually want me. For the record the child isnt mine but i have bought him up for nearly 2 years. Edited January 31, 2015 by male483 Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 And just to add ive currently not been home for 3 nights, spent 1 at a friends 1 at paretns and 1 slept at work in my office which is just crazy thinking about it all. In the last 3 days shes probably text me 3 or 4 times and everytime its basically her saying she cant do it anymore shes anxious around me and shes had enough. She blames everything on me 'i cant see friends' etc etc and not once have i checked up on her or told her she cant go. every single time ive just said 'thats fine babe YES house to myself' and made a joke of it. So exhausted but fact is her ex id pressume was in the same boat but he did actually leave because her stories was that he left her over and over and i cant help thinking well yeah if you treat him the same way youre treating me maybe he just had the guts to go for weeks on end. She always asks for time to calm down but it goes days and days even when its her fault ill get upset and tell her how its upset or hurt me what shes done and all ill get is 'god youre boring' or 'here come the violins' its like she just enjoys seeing ppl hurt yet if shes hurt ill apologise instantly and she never accepts it, i never belittle her Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I can understand why people say they have 'no sympathy' for me. Everytime I do go through with it and fully leave, I start to move on then she messages me 'you dont know me at all if you think i wasnt bothered, why dont you ever listen' then we inevitably get back together. Its tearing me apart the games and the times (even when calm) ive said 'please for the sake of (insert childs name) please stop being nasty and stubborn, the next time you get angry just focus on him and make a decision a but more rationally and we will be fine, ill change too (i always add that line because if i dont she will go defensive thinking im blaming all our problems on her) and we will sort this together' she agrees and then the next argument.... (this one was my fault) but whether its my fault or her shes off again. She has done things that was 100% her fault but then given me silent treatment for that long (around 2 days) that ive manipulated myself into thinking 'yeah it must of been all my fault' the silence goes on that long that i eventually just run out of energy and decide its all my fault and i just stupidly apologise. I know it makes me look weak and pathetic. Just wish I had the bloody strength to just go. I already feel like if i had my own place to live id just leave her but its so hard financially and im just not sure what i want anymore. This argument was my fault i said some nasty things but stupidly thought it might be a good idea to give her some back to finally show her what its like but massivley backfired and now i feel childish and stupid for doing it but id honestly run out of ideas. Keep telling myself if she was just waiting for an excuse to leave then why the hell am i sticking around anyway when theres plenty of woman whod actually want me. For the record the child isnt mine but i have bought him up for nearly 2 years. You are excusing your weakness. Hard financially? It's financially hard for EVERYONE to leave a relationship! You raised the child for nearly 2 years? I see this more as you have participated at making this child's home a place of discord and insecurity for 2 years. Don't try to make this sound like it's for the child, it's not. It's all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author male483 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I never stated i'd not leave due to the child, someone in a previous comment spoke like the child was mine I was merely making a point that he wasn't. You are excusing your weakness. Hard financially? It's financially hard for EVERYONE to leave a relationship! You raised the child for nearly 2 years? I see this more as you have participated at making this child's home a place of discord and insecurity for 2 years. Don't try to make this sound like it's for the child, it's not. It's all about you. Link to post Share on other sites
soyou Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I used to act like your gf when I was much younger. Whenever we got in an argument, I could just shrug my shoulders and say "This is me. If you cant deal with it, LEAVE! The door is just in the corner" or "Its over. Get out of my door". Even though I didnt mean what I said, (I loved him till dealth) but the frustration and anger inside me were too much and I didnt know how to express it in a better way so this was the only way I happened to know and it worked for my advantage a big time all the time. I knew that my boyfriend also loved me to death, my words may hurt him but he would never dare to leave me... Until one day.....after our big non-sense argument, I told him that I had enough and I couldnt take this relationship anymore. HE LOOKED AT ME & SAID "you've said these words many times but i never took them seriously. I've thought about it for a while... You must have really had enough of me...you must have been really sick and fed up with me. I'm listening to your words now and I'm respecting your decision. Sorry I have kept you bored with me for so long." THEN HE PACKED HIS STUFF & LEFT!! I was shocked because in my life nobody ever walked away from me just like that, especially him. I knew what I said was wrong but I didnt want to apology. So I let him go. He was a brave solider. He just left and didnt look back. One week....two weeks....three weeks... have passed. I felt like I was dying inside. I missed him terribly. I loved him so much. I wanted to say sorry but I didnt want to make the first move so I waited for him to do so....but he did contact me at all. Then I feared of losing him.... Finally after almost a month, I called him and I said "sorry". He hing up on me. I called second time and he said " he has enough of me and dont want to come back to such a relationship" i apologized. He said he needed time to think over...i was waiting for his decision and my ass seemed like to be on fire... Long story short, we came back. He still loved me. I never repeated that behavior anymore (not until now). A few years later he told me that what he did was to teach me a lesson. He was ofcourse afraid of losing me but what I did was just too much for him to handle. Everyone is different but perhaps its time for you to show your gf a lesson just like what my ex taught me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I start to move on then she messages me 'you dont know me at all if you think i wasnt bothered, why dont you ever listen' then we inevitably get back together. Wow, what an honest, pure, and self-reflective statement. I can see why you go back. I mean, when I'm making amends, I definitely find a way to blame the other person within it! She always asks for time to calm down but it goes days and days even when its her fault ill get upset and tell her how its upset or hurt me what shes done and all ill get is 'god youre boring' or 'here come the violins' its like she just enjoys seeing ppl hurt yet if shes hurt ill apologise instantly and she never accepts it, i never belittle herWhat a lovely woman. And part of your problem is that you are apologizing instantly, and that you are apologizing to someone who never takes a look at her own behavior and apologizes to you. You going back to her and apologizing IS part of the problem. That is your contribution to the cycle. What else can we say for that to sink in? You need to leave and stay gone until she is capable of looking at herself. That is the ONLY thing that can stop this cycle. And you need to become okay with the fact that she may not come after you. You clearly have some version of Stockholm Syndrome and a rose-tinted glasses view of this woman, and think losing her is a big deal, but the rest of us don't really think she's that big of a loss and that you might feel a lot better without someone constantly tearing you down and removing love and security to punish you. Personally, I could live without those things in my life. It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that life would probably be a lot better for you without those things in your life, and that those things seem to be a built in part of your lovely girlfriend's personality. Its tearing me apart the games and the times (even when calm) ive said 'please for the sake of (insert childs name) please stop being nasty and stubborn, the next time you get angry just focus on him and make a decision a but more rationally and we will be fine, ill change too (i always add that line because if i dont she will go defensive thinking im blaming all our problems on her) and we will sort this together'You can't care more about the well-being of her child than she does. You can't make her be a good mother and protect her child's emotional health and what he is learning about relationships through her own relationships. You have zero power here. The toxicity is working for her, and she only cares about power games and her ego, not her kid. Unfortunate, but true. You can't save this kid. And continuing to play your part in this cycle of bat**** crazy is damaging him. He is learning that this is what relationships are like. Keep it up, and he'll turn into you, and find his own verbally abusive woman to keep him on his toes and destroy his soul. It may be that the kindest thing that you can do for him is remove yourself from this dynamic so it is not happening in his household anymore. But the truth is that she'll just find some other guy who will put up with her garbage (note: most won't want to, it takes a special kind of caretaker guy to put up with the likes of her), and repeat the cycle. So exhausted but fact is her ex id pressume was in the same boat but he did actually leave because her stories was that he left her over and over and i cant help thinking well yeah if you treat him the same way youre treating me maybe he just had the guts to go for weeks on end.Ah yes, ye olde "My ex was so awful to me! You'll treat me better, right?" coming from a toxic woman. Your suspicions that he most likely endured the same treatment, and that it was a large part of the dynamic is probably right. She didn't just suddenly become nasty and vindictive between relationships. Also, note that her version of the story is that she was just innocent and loving and he was the problem. It's a red flag when someone doesn't view past relationship problems as partially their fault. It takes two to create a dynamic. Guys, when you are dating a new woman, and she has this story about how her exes never treated her well, and wants you to be her white knight, and shows absolutely no indication of reflective capabilities or having looked at how she contributed to the breakdown of her prior relationships, get the hell out. I know that you want to believe that other men are just "bad" and you are wonderful, and you can save her from herself, but the sort of women who have this attitude are the ones who are like the OP's lovely girlfriend. Emotionally healthy women do not pull this sort of stuff early on, and you should have enough self esteem to not have to be someone's white knight to be worthy of love. If you observe the above dynamic during dates when you are getting to know a new woman, turn around and leave. You cannot save her and you will only end up like OP. Note that he's so low emotionally that he can't see that there is not much worth saving here, and that his view of the girl he's fighting for is mostly in his head. i said some nasty things but stupidly thought it might be a good idea to give her some back to finally show her what its like but massivley backfired and now i feel childish and stupid for doing it but id honestly run out of ideas.No one should ever be saying nasty things. I feel bad for the kid that you are so wrapped up in evening the score with his toxic mother that you don't see that the nasty things you are saying (and that she constantly says) ARE NOT GOOD FOR HIM. You say you're thinking of the kid, but participating in this dynamic is HURTING HIM. So either get the guts to leave her in the hopes that it changes (and if you do reunite, it may not stick, so be prepared to leave her again if she tries her BS again), or leave this relationship behind you for good. Those are your two options. Link to post Share on other sites
idoltree Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 In my experience, women I choose rarely threaten and mean it. What the women I choose do is get pissed and destroy your stuff and your sanity...examples include but are not limited to: ripping up your new shirt, going through your cellphone, sleeping with a friend, driving you insane, and oh yeah leaving. Fixed that for you. There are plenty of us that are sane; we cannot help it that you are attracted to the ones that aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 is there an ultimatum (choice) that you ignore? so she has warned you that it would be over if you do not agree... what do you argue about? this is the sticking point, not saying she is great, in fact i picture hissy fits, feck... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts