blue_jay_bird Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Okay, now that I have your attention. I'v been dating this guy for four months and I'v know him for six. We get along great. I like spending time with him. It's really great to feel happy.... but, I'm not physically attracted to him. He's over weight. We have never talked about it. But I'm having some trouble, just ... His intensity of how much he likes me. That look of...your so sexy, awesome. Well its only coming from one side...his. What should I say to him? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 It took you four months of dating him to realize you aren't attracted to him? Really? 17 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Why do you date someone you are not attracted to? Just tell him he's a great guy but you're not feeling it so it's better to end it now so you and him can find better suited partners. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, if you can seriously love him and care about him, maybe approach it more of a supportive way. Like hey babe, I really would like things to work out for us. I am worried about your health a little, maybe we could start running/walking/swimming/playing a sport/hiking together. Whatever it is you can stand to do. Cook dinner together and make healthy choices... salads, vegetarian (i mean vegetables, not cheese), etc... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Why did you drag someone for 4 months if you knew his weight was an issue? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, if you can seriously love him and care about him, maybe approach it more of a supportive way. Like hey babe, I really would like things to work out for us. I am worried about your health a little, maybe we could start running/walking/swimming/playing a sport/hiking together. Whatever it is you can stand to do. Cook dinner together and make healthy choices... salads, vegetarian (i mean vegetables, not cheese), etc... I disagree with that. She met him fat, she has to accept him the way he is. If she had met him fit THEN he got fat, Yes you speak up about your concern. This man may be totally happy the way he is. If a man meets me today, and dates me for 4 months, THEN says he prefers blond and he'd prefer I die my black hair, him and I would have a serious problem !! 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Well, if you can seriously love him and care about him, maybe approach it more of a supportive way. Like hey babe, I really would like things to work out for us. I am worried about your health a little, maybe we could start running/walking/swimming/playing a sport/hiking together. Whatever it is you can stand to do. Cook dinner together and make healthy choices... salads, vegetarian (i mean vegetables, not cheese), etc... But she's not concerned about his health though. She's concerned that he's fat and it's an image she isn't attracted to. What happens when he's not ready to work on his weight loss? What happens if he starts and then falters and reverts? Weight loss doesn't happen overnight and most times people have to want to do it for themselves, and it's a difficult commitment to make rather feel forced upon because their partner has a certain expectation of them. The latter rarely, if ever, works. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Okay, now that I have your attention. I'v been dating this guy for four months and I'v know him for six. We get along great. I like spending time with him. It's really great to feel happy.... but, I'm not physically attracted to him. He's over weight. We have never talked about it. But I'm having some trouble, just ... His intensity of how much he likes me. That look of...your so sexy, awesome. Well its only coming from one side...his. What should I say to him? Four months is a long time to be dating someone before realizing you're not attracted to them. Usually it only takes a couple dates to come to that conclusion. I wonder why this didn't come up earlier? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_jay_bird Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Yes, I meet him Fat and yes I care about him. I didn't drag him into anything. I very sure he's happy to be with me. Is it reckless for me to start a relationship with a man i'm not physically attracted to. yep. .. I figured that out. It wasn't the smartest thing to do. BUT here we are. People making mistakes, and asking for advice. I agree with Gaeta. I meet him fat so I can't ...tell him to change. (and it would be transparent, for me to tell him its for his "heath" He's not blind. He goes to the gym here and there. I saw weight lost pills in his cabinet and he tells me he's wants to get in shape for summer. To which I respond "Thats awesome." But, I should say something. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm a guy who doesn't date overweight girls, so I understand where you're comin' from. Break up with and let him find someone for whom weight isn't an issue. You don't even really have to mention his weight when you do so. Just say, "I like you, but not as a boyfriend," and that you would rather not date him anymore. It sucks to get dumped, but so does being in a one-sided relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 He's not blind. He goes to the gym here and there. I saw weight lost pills in his cabinet and he tells me he's wants to get in shape for summer. To which I respond "Thats awesome." So make it happen. An interest in health and fitness often rubs off on people, particularly if you're dating. So if you already make the effort yourself, then go to the gym with him, or running, etc. Cook healthy meals together and whatnot. If, after a month or two he's still dragging his heels you can break up with him on the basis that you don't have compatible lifestyles. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I didn't drag him into anything. I very sure he's happy to be with me. You did. He may be happy with you but little does he know you're not physically attracted to him. I bet he wouldn't feel so happy then. He's not blind. He goes to the gym here and there. I saw weight lost pills in his cabinet and he tells me he's wants to get in shape for summer. To which I respond "Thats awesome." And that's what I am saying. Weight loss is a difficult commitment to follow through. I had a weight problem and all I did was fluctuate. I only did it when I was READY. I went from a size 16 to a size 2 in less than a year and it was hard work and dedication. Say something? Like you said, he's not blind. He knows. You saying something only makes him self-conscious because all along he's been feeling as if you accept him the way he is. He may even get on the defensive. Stay with him because you care for him and you will support him with whatever he chooses to do. Don't stay with him because you hope soon enough he will lose the weight. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_jay_bird Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Looking back. I had a great friend and wasn't attracted to him. I always thought what if.. I guess this is why I have him a chance. He reminded me of him so much. Yes, bad idea. . Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 My best friend who has a good 40-lbs to lose met a man last year. Her extra weight bothered him but he said nothing at first. Finally he told her and she swallowed the pill and got herself in a diet, got a fitbit, got a stationery bike, the whole nine yard. Fast forward 6 months, instead of losing weight she gained an extra 15-lbs. Why? Because she hurts. She constantly ask herself why he dated her if she was not attractive to him, why he invested time in her if she was not good enough, if she is not attractive than is he just with her cause he can't be alone and she is all he can get, and she tortures herself like this on and on and on. It is to a point that when she is with him she eats just a little to not disappoint him but when he's gone she eats till her little heart is content. My suggestion as an above poster said, support him by example. Start a routine to get to the gym together, cook healthy together, BUT avoid telling him it's cause he's not attractive to you. Also, only 5% of people that lose a lot of weight are able to keep it down. That is why it is important that when you meet someone you love them the way they are, if they change to please you it won't stick and the weight goes back on again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I don't get it. How do you get into a relationship w/ someone you aren't attracted to? Do you sleep with him? Like how does this happen...I don't find you attractive but oh 4 months later we are still dating? Why did you even START to date him? This literally makes no sense to me. Can you imagine being on the receiving end of this...geesh. Just dump the poor guy and use something else as an excuse. Don't be cruel by leading him on even more, I think 4 mos is plenty of that.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveRefreshed Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 It's unlikely that he will change. Yes, I agree with that. As a big man who constantly makes an effort to lose weight and get healthier, they are related. However, if you love the man everywhere else, isn't it worth a shot? Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Dude. You don't start dating someone and then tell them their looks are a problem. You decide if that's okay beforehand. It would be one thing if youtold him at the very beginning, or he said he was trying to lose weight and never did before you got involved... If it's a real problem, as it seems from your post, end it. If he tends toward being larger, even if he loses weight, it could be something fought forever even with more healthy habits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaylan Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Not physically attracted? MOVE ON. Why do people always try to force these things? Dont be desperate and get into a relationship with someone you arent attracted to. Itll be bad for both of you in the long run, especially the other person. It would hurt pretty terribly to date someone for so long and then to find out they were never really attracted to you. Do some thread searching online. Ive read about this a decent bit...and it doesnt end well. And if the relationship lasts, its usually lacking passion and one person usually wants out, but cant go through with it. An unfulfilling relationship sucks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I'm over weight (not obese), and I would be devastated if my BF of six months came to me one day and told me he was never attracted to me. I know you're not meaning to hurt him in this situation, but I feel like at this point it's unavoidable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I don't get it. How do you get into a relationship w/ someone you aren't attracted to? Do you sleep with him? Like how does this happen...I don't find you attractive but oh 4 months later we are still dating? Why did you even START to date him? This literally makes no sense to me. Can you imagine being on the receiving end of this...geesh. Just dump the poor guy and use something else as an excuse. Don't be cruel by leading him on even more, I think 4 mos is plenty of that.... Yeah and then you have people on this board that try to shame people that place value on physical attraction being a deciding factor as being "shallow". Just move on OP. Don't tell him to lose weight. That's his problem to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Don't tell him that you aren't attracted to him. That's mean. I usually don't think lying is ever good but he's been with you for a while so I'm assuming he has feelings for you. Please don't hurt them. Think of another reason why you don't want to date him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 You date someone as they are, period. If you don't like it - and you obviously don't OP, leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Is him being overweight the only issue? Are you otherwise thrilled with him? Like others, I can't fathom why you began dating someone you're not physically attracted to to begin with. As an old fat person who was never fat when young, I can just tell you talking to someone about their weight does more harm than good. They will change if and when they feel like they can, and not everyone can. Talking to a fat person about losing weight feels like verbal abuse. If you can interest him in physical activities, that's one thing, but you can't try to force that or make it about him because he's not stupid. The gym is out. It would have to be something fun like taking tennis lessons together. Ask him if there's anything he's ever wanted to learn, be it tennis or ballroom dancing and try to get him up and moving, but beware that exercise alone will not make a person lose weight for more than about 3 weeks. If you're not really that interested in this guy and it's not just about his weight, just break up. Don't harm his self-image any more by making a big deal about his weight. If this guy was skinny now and you married him, he'd be fat or bald in 15 years anyway, no matter who he is, so at some point it has to be how much you care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I dated a guy for a while and then a good few weeks/months in we got naked. I had no idea he had a preggers belly before that as he hid it and breathed in a lot. Honestly though, if all else is that RS had been OK I would have overlooked it as much as possible. He did make efforts to lose weight but he was about 4-6st overweight. I only weigh 8st. All else was not good though in that RS so it wasn't the decider. If you are not into him then you should end it. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 This might be the one time when the old standby It's not you, it's me is called for. Or, you could tell him that sometimes feelings change, and that is what has happened to you, and you are at a loss to explain it. It's not much of an explanation, but that DOES HAPPEN after all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts