Jump to content

Really nervous about a coffee date Saturday


Chris715

Recommended Posts

Lot of stuff going through my head right now, kinda having a nervous breakdown to be honest. Basically I have a coffee date set up with a really cute girl on Saturday. I hadn't even intended to start dating this early on in the year. I'm pretty busy with school, dealing with social anxiety, looking for a job, kinda feels like I'm in no shape to date right now.

 

I joined Okcupid about a week ago, not thinking anything would come of it. Messaged a few girls including this really cute one on the first day and got her number. We've been texting back and forth since Monday and things have been great as far as the conversation there. Both of us go to the same college, STEM majors, she seems really smart and is impressed with the classes I'm doing, lots of teasing and joking over text, so that makes me feel OK about this whole thing. I asked her on Wednesday if she wanted to get coffee Saturday and she agreed and, well, I'm seriously regretting my decision now. I'm stressing HARD about this right now, a little coffee date, but it would look bad to postpone it by this point, right?

 

What if she's not interested in me? I'm trying to make my decision tonight: postpone/cancel the date tomorrow or text to touch base and make sure she's still up for it. I realize I'm basically trying to procrastinate this and put it off but right now it seems like I cannot deal with this by Saturday. This might all be my anxiety talking but need some help right now! Would I be shooting myself in the foot if I postpone tomorrow? I've done coffee dates with girls before, but most of the time I knew them in real life beforehand so it's much easier. Sorry if I'm rambling, my brain is all over the place tonight.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay!! "Used to have social anxiety" person here!! I'm on okcupid too!!! I went on to help mend my heart bc it got broken in September. Anyways!! I totally understand!! With the guy who broke my heart, my heart would go crazy before meeting up. I would want to cry and I had to take a Xanax!! (I met him in class not online).

 

You MUST just do it!! Be brave!! It'll be okay I promise it won't kill you. It's good you are meeting up soon because then you really don't know each other. You can ask her a lot of questions. You need to set a time limit. Be like "I got something in the morning so I gotta leave in like 2 hours or so" you will see that the time will fly!! Please don't be nervous it'll be great! I swear I had to take Xanax in order go socialize so you shall be okay!! The more you do it, the easier it gets :) :)

 

Good luck! Let me know how it goes

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So you say no way to postpone this into next week? Give me a few days over the weekend to calm down and gather myself. Honestly I feel like an idiot for stressing over a coffee date. Part of me is hoping she postpones or cancels herself tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Go for it man! Trust me, do not postpone. You will not calm yourself down by giving yourself a few days. IF anything it's more time to worry about it.

 

Get it done, what's the worst that can happen? Think of how much easier your future dates will be.

 

Challenge yourself ! It's how you improve!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, if it works out then it works out, if it doesn't then it doesn't. No big deal either way. But there is no possibility of anything great in that area happening to you if you're going to start with nervous nonsense when opportunity is staring you right in the face.

 

Don't keep checking in to see if she's still up for it, just pick out a nice set of clothes, shower up and go see her on Saturday. If you need to occupy your mind until then you can always do it by thinking up topics of conversation she might find interesting, so just in case you hit a few pauses you have something to go to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Dude, if it works out then it works out, if it doesn't then it doesn't. No big deal either way. But there is no possibility of anything great in that area happening to you if you're going to start with nervous nonsense when opportunity is staring you right in the face.

 

Don't keep checking in to see if she's still up for it, just pick out a nice set of clothes, shower up and go see her on Saturday. If you need to occupy your mind until then you can always do it by thinking up topics of conversation she might find interesting, so just in case you hit a few pauses you have something to go to.

 

We've been texting pretty regularly since Monday so I don't think it would be too strange to text her tomorrow just double checking the time and place works for her Saturday, since this started from online dating and people are known to flake a lot from there. Then again I might not text her at all tomorrow and give her some space, or I might text her to postpone. Still haven't decided.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Looks like that receding hairline isn't as big a deal as you thought

 

That has nothing to do with my thread. My whole receding hairline thing stresses me out but it's not that bad, at least not for now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't postpone - because that will make the girl question your level of interest and possibly even move on and you'll never get to meet her.

 

You said it yourself, she's pretty, she's smart and you guys get along - why on earth would you want to blow it before anything even happens?

 

I don't get people - they're not happy when all they meet is losers and they're not happy when they meet nice/fun/smart/cute people.

 

Push past the anxiety - go on the the date, be charming, be a gentleman and see how it goes.

 

Don't postpone!

But I do agree with the text to confirm the details for tomorrow's date.

 

Good luck! It will be alright.

This girl seems to like chatting with you and she said yes to the coffee date - she likes you, so don't **** it up by postponing now.

 

Good luck :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do not postpone. Just imagine she's just a friend and talk to her like a friend. Do some meditation/calming exercises before you meet her. Next week will be no better and you'll lose points if you cancel a date.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So you say no way to postpone this into next week? Give me a few days over the weekend to calm down and gather myself. Honestly I feel like an idiot for stressing over a coffee date. Part of me is hoping she postpones or cancels herself tomorrow.

 

No. You'll still be just as anxious if you postpone! In fact, your anxiety will probably be worse. If she cancels reschedule. Otherwise go through with it!

 

What do women know about guys canceling? That it often means lack of interest. Don't do that to her. Maybe she won't be into you, but these are risks we have to take.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So you say no way to postpone this into next week? Give me a few days over the weekend to calm down and gather myself. Honestly I feel like an idiot for stressing over a coffee date. Part of me is hoping she postpones or cancels herself tomorrow.

 

Don't postpone because you'll feel exactly the same way again. If you need to "gather yourself" for a coffee date, I guarantee that the next time around you will be stressing again. When something is uncomfortable and sets you out of your comfort zone, the only way to overcome it is to just do it. Even if you feel your skin crawling, smile and push through.

 

I remember going on a meet-up. It was a river cruise. I went by myself, trying to get over my fear and put myself out there to hopefully meet some friendly women. I was sweating with fear. I got to the boat and I realized everyone were in groups. I was uncomfortable. I approached a few groups, all the while petrified but faking a smile. I ended up standing by myself and just enjoying the night by myself, with food, drink and a summer's breeze. It wasn't so bad after all.

 

You're magnifying it and probably placing all sorts of expectations on this dating thing. I remember feeling this way when I started dating after my divorce. The first few dates were tough for me. I was all over the place. But soon enough you get the hang of it. You go with the flow. You keep your expectations to a minimum. It's just coffee. Keep telling yourself that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a coffee date not a lifetime commitment.

 

Going into this, you have to think that only thing is are you going to enjoy your coffee? Whether she likes you or you like her can't be determined until you actually meet. If you connect, great, set a 2nd date. If you don't, it was coffee.

 

Relax. There is nothing to be nervous about.

Link to post
Share on other sites
What if she's not interested in me?

 

Then she's not. That's a risk you have to take. That's dating, that's meeting people.

 

I went out with 29 guys before I met my BF. Some of those men were interested; at times, there was mutual interest. But by and large, for whatever reason, at the end of the day, they were not interested. But you know what? Getting to know someone over a coffee or a couple of beers is not the worst way to find out that you're not romantically interested in someone. With a few exceptions, none of those dates were "bad." The men were pleasant, conversation flowed, etc. I was more nervous beforehand, sometimes less (I would literally be shaking beforehand sometimes), but each time I worked my nervous energy out, and ended up having a good time.

 

So what if this girl isn't interested. You'll have spent an hour or two of your life chatting with someone new. No big deal. As someone who's dealt with a whole spectrum of anxiety-related disorders, I can tell you that the only way to truly alleviate your anxiety about this stuff is to DO it. Do not avoid. Postponing will bring temporary relief, but will make things worse in the long run.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for all the replies everyone. I got little to no sleep last night after my full blown panic attack. I agree with everyone that postponing it won't really get me anywhere. Still, not really sure what to do right now. Feels like I shouldn't be dating at all right now and kinda jumped the gun on this whole thing. I mean if I'm getting this worked up over a stupid coffee date then clearly I have some issues I should be working on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree that you do, BUT, I am of the mind that the only way to reduce the fear of this kind of stuff, is to DO it. You may be busy, but I'm sure you can find time to casually date here and there (like you're doing here). Issues can't be worked out in a vacuum.

 

I say all this so adamantly because I went through the same thing. I had a paralyzing fear of men for years, and as such didn't date. I found every excuse in the book. But then I jumped in, and was scared sh*tless for a good nine months, but through that time realized a lot of really positive things about myself, and about men. It was only through interacting and going out on dates that I learned that stuff though.

 

So what if you're nervous right now. You won't feel so bad before the next one, and less the time after that, and after that, and after that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for all the replies everyone. I got little to no sleep last night after my full blown panic attack. I agree with everyone that postponing it won't really get me anywhere. Still, not really sure what to do right now. Feels like I shouldn't be dating at all right now and kinda jumped the gun on this whole thing. I mean if I'm getting this worked up over a stupid coffee date then clearly I have some issues I should be working on.

 

Be polite. Have the coffee then maybe take another break to get your head in order. Tell your date that you may have jumped the gun, thinking you were ready & seeming interested but you just aren't. The exact words don't matter as much as you making it clear it really is you, not the other person; you are sorry & that there is no immediate future.

 

Don't burn the bridge because life & karma have a funny way of putting people back in your life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She's happy to text you, you have a good rapport. She's agreed to meet you. You both have things you can talk about, things in common. It's all good. If you go into this thinking you'll make a new friend and maybe do not have any expectations of anything else, you will have a different attitude and can relax. It can be nice for a woman to make a new friend and not feel any pressure. She can really get to know him and think about how you would be as more than friends. If she does like you in that way, she'll probably drop hints, be happy and want more of your company.

 

You'd need to show that you like her too. It doesn't have to be romantic at first. People didn't used to get thrown together: relationships grew organically. Why not see how that goes first instead of putting yourself under 'dating' pressure?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think I'm going to postpone and try to reschedule. I agree with everyone that it probably isn't going to help me out at all but I'm stressing out way too much over this today.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Please don't, OP.

 

Try and get your mind off of it for a while.

 

This is just like your receding hairline concerns. You're allowing them to be so forefront that they're clouding your judgement. Don't let your fear control you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Stop posting here about postponing if you're just looking for a constant pep talk.

 

 

It's a coffee date. It's my go to opener. They are awesome. You order a tall latte and pay for her drink. Pay attention to what she orders. Make constant eye contact. Bring a cool book to show her. Silence your phone and do not look at it at all while you're with her.

 

 

Squeeze one out before you shower and then do some pushups so you are feeling firm and have endorphins pumping through you.

 

 

Relax! Anxiety issues aside she is more nervous than you are. She will change at least three times and do her makeup twice.

 

 

Just be easy and be your best self.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Stop posting here about postponing if you're just looking for a constant pep talk.

 

 

It's a coffee date. It's my go to opener. They are awesome. You order a tall latte and pay for her drink. Pay attention to what she orders. Make constant eye contact. Bring a cool book to show her. Silence your phone and do not look at it at all while you're with her.

 

 

Squeeze one out before you shower and then do some pushups so you are feeling firm and have endorphins pumping through you.

 

 

Relax! Anxiety issues aside she is more nervous than you are. She will change at least three times and do her makeup twice.

 

 

Just be easy and be your best self.

Yeah I guess I'm hoping if enough people on here tell me not to cancel I won't haha. A coffee date might not be that big of a deal for you but clearly we're on different planes in terms of confidence right now. Wish I could go into it with the mindset you have but easier said than done.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah I guess I'm hoping if enough people on here tell me not to cancel I won't haha. A coffee date might not be that big of a deal for you but clearly we're on different planes in terms of confidence right now. Wish I could go into it with the mindset you have but easier said than done.

 

What's the worst that could happen? You make a bad impression & she doesn't like you? Even if you made a great impression perhaps you two wouldn't have clicked anyway. One bad coffee date is not the end of the world. Stop treating this like your whole future rides on it.

 

You need to face this fear. If you back out of this coffee you will be even more scared & freaked out later.

 

Go. Have a cup of coffee. Thank her for meeting you & go back to obsessing. Don't you think you need a break from all the stress you are putting on yourself?

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, if she wasn't interested in you, she would not have accepted the coffee date. Don't go into it feeling like you have to impress her, you already did so by text and profiles, it's why she even accepted the date, she wants to get to know you. Just go, and be yourself. It may work out, it may not work out.

 

However, if you do postpone, it will send the message that you are either not really interested, or playing games, and you could be blowing meeting a girl that could very well be a very good match. Take it from another STEM major, cute, funny, smart girls in our major are a rarity, don't blow it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...