GF insecure with ex GF problem

[Elfend]

Long story short, I was dumped by my ex of an 8 year relationship about 3 month (because she cheated). Shortly after 2 months into the break up, I met this wonderful girl and we connected immediately and it wasn’t long before we coupled.

 

Then recently my ex contacted me to meet up to settle her phone line (She is using a sub line under my name and I am still paying her phone bill thus she wants it off my burden) and asked me out for dinner. Now though she cheated and dumped me, I have no ill feelings or any love towards her anymore and no intentions of reconciling with her. Though I would still very much like to still be friends with her. At least I think that just because we can’t be couple doesn’t mean we have to be enemies (we do share a common group of friends from high school so we would probably still see each other sometime in the future).

 

The problem is, my GF found out that I have a dinner appointment with my ex tonight and she is greatly upset. She asked me what I have planned for Friday night and I told her directly that I have to go out with my ex to settle our line issues (I know, I know I should had just lied but I wanted to build the relationship based on honesty and trust). She had always been very insecure with me as I had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship and always think that I am attracting a lot of girls unknowingly (She is 3 years younger btw). She would always be afraid that one day my ex would come back to me asking for reconciliation and I would go back to her (which I am sure won’t happen but that’s another story altogether).

 

So here is the issue, my GF went silent mode with me and asked for some time off. I messaged her and called her but she won’t reply.

 

How should I address this problem (I am still going to see my ex because I need to settle the phone line)? Also, what should I do to make her feel more secure (I don’t flirt with other girls either)?

 

Some advise would be greatly appreciated as I don't want to lose this wonderful lady in front of me. Thanks in advance.

[Satu]

I wouldn't reply to you either.

 

I would just walk away from you without a backward glance.

[Winterina]

cancel the dinner and get someone else to deal with your ex's phone line. otherwise, you will have chosen your priorities and what is done cannot be undone

[Elfend]

Ok ~ appreciate your opinion but care to elaborate on your statement more please?

[Elfend]

I've already asked the staff from the telecommunications company. They said that both of us must be present to cancel the subline -.-

[Satu]

Ok ~ appreciate your opinion but care to elaborate on your statement more please?

 

Cancel the dinner and make a very sincere apology to your girlfriend.

 

Flowers and chocolates might help.

[Elfend]

Thanks for the advise. However, a friend of mine advised me to just leave her be and give her some time to cool off. His reason being that it would appear that I am desperate if I buy flowers and show up at her doorstep or something.

 

Thoughts on this please?

[Sunfire73]

Wrong advice. Just don't go out for dinner with ex. You need to assure her that you're completely over your ex. Take her with you when you cancel that line with your ex.

[hangingbyathread]

If I were your gf I would probably leave you...

The whole thing is completely distasteful. One if you had any respect for your GF then you would of talked to her BEFORE you had planned a night with your ex. Secondly if there is no love towards your ex and have no interest in her then you really have no need to keep her in your life...and going by the way you are talking you are not sure at all if you would get back with her or not! Games are not fun and are unnecessary, if you are sorry show it.

[Elfend]

Ok. So I can easily cancel off the dinner and meeting up with my ex. But knowing my gf ... she would tell me that it is not necessary and I am doing it for the sake of doing it.

 

How can I make it up to her? I can't meet up with her until at least Saturday night and I know time is critical. She won't response to my calls or msgs though I know she still cares for me alot.

[angiefly]

I've already asked the staff from the telecommunications company. They said that both of us must be present to cancel the subline -.-

 

Okay but you can't cancel the phone from inside a restaurant either so there's more to this story, you just aren't telling us... You are either really eager to see your ex (because you miss her and want her back) or you just happen to be the most clueless guy on earth! You need to be aware of just how hurtful this is to your current girlfriend (also known as: The one who hasn't cheated) You also said in your original post that you should have just lied to your current girlfriend about having dinner with your ex...No I don't think you should lie, I also don't think you should have dinner with an ex when you are seeing someone else. Do you think you jumped into the new relationship too soon? You were with your ex for 8 years! That's a long time and frankly 2-3 moths is NOT a sufficient amount of time to work through things enough, to be healthy enough, for a relationship. If you aren't over your ex, it wouldn't make you a bad person, but you should tell your current GF so that she doesn't become more invested. If you really are meeting up with your ex just to cancel the phone then just bring your current GF along to the dinner (Your reaction to my last suggestion should tell you a lot about how you feel about you ex and current GF)

[hopefullove]

Ok. So I can easily cancel off the dinner and meeting up with my ex. But knowing my gf ... she would tell me that it is not necessary and I am doing it for the sake of doing it.

 

How can I make it up to her? I can't meet up with her until at least Saturday night and I know time is critical. She won't response to my calls or msgs though I know she still cares for me alot.

 

I love how everyone is saying they would just forget about you if they were your girlfriend. And the fact that you can't see that yourself? It is super distasteful, disrespectful, and ignorant.

 

You just got out of a 8 year relationship. Do you understand how much history that is, and that was only 3 months ago, and this relationship is 2 months new. You really should have been more sensitive to her feelings than to plan a dinner date with your ex gf, why did there even need to be dinner. If it was just for you to take care of your phone, then let it be business, but then you're turning it into a date?

 

Your friend who gave you the advice. Does he himself actually have a successful relationship???

 

Anyway - it's 2 months, it's just the beginning of a relationship. You are calling her insecure like this is her problem when this is something you created by not being mindful and thoughtful. Yeah - you need to reassure her that she's the one you want and that anything you had with your ex is over, that she's what is important to you. You hurt her.

[Elfend]

Thanks for the advise. I get where you all are going with this. But this isn't even a date. Its more like a casual dinner with an old time friend. She wanted to catch up about each other's life and I just said ok. I didn't think too much into it at all.. I won't bring my current GF along as I don't need to do it for the sake of "in your face" to my ex. Furthermore if I did that, all the more reason that would make my current GF thinks that she is 1) a rebound 2) I still care what my ex thinks of me or I still have feelings for her.

 

Honestly now I just feel indifferent. I was devastated by the previous break up but I only managed to stand back up after undergoing a rapid and intense therapy of self improvement and self loving. I knew full well she cheated and I would not be able to stay with someone I can't trust anymore. I kind of have the ability to shut someone out of my life very easily when they have done something bad to me. I don't particularly remember the bad stuff that others did to me. I just cherish the good that happened. Thats all.

 

I said yes to her invitation for dinner because I have a clear conscience that I am feeling indifferent towards her and I told my GF about it because I do want to remain as friends with my ex. I have been friends with all my previous other exes even though some of the breakups were ugly.

 

It's true though that I didn't take into account of such consequences from my GF and thought she would appreciate that her man is honest bout the whole issue and take cares of his relationships responsibly and maturely (obviously now I see how I was wrong).

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for the advise. I get where you all are going with this. But this isn't even a date. Its more like a casual dinner with an old time friend. She wanted to catch up about each other's life and I just said ok. I didn't think too much into it at all.. I won't bring my current GF along as I don't need to do it for the sake of "in your face" to my ex. Furthermore if I did that, all the more reason that would make my current GF thinks that she is 1) a rebound 2) I still care what my ex thinks of me or I still have feelings for her.

 

Honestly now I just feel indifferent. I was devastated by the previous break up but I only managed to stand back up after undergoing a rapid and intense therapy of self improvement and self loving. I knew full well she cheated and I would not be able to stay with someone I can't trust anymore. I kind of have the ability to shut someone out of my life very easily when they have done something bad to me. I don't particularly remember the bad stuff that others did to me. I just cherish the good that happened. Thats all.

 

I said yes to her invitation for dinner because I have a clear conscience that I am feeling indifferent towards her and I told my GF about it because I do want to remain as friends with my ex. I have been friends with all my previous other exes even though some of the breakups were ugly.

 

It's true though that I didn't take into account of such consequences from my GF and thought she would appreciate that her man is honest bout the whole issue and take cares of his relationships responsibly and maturely (obviously now I see how I was wrong).

 

You're still not getting it. Worse, you're justifying this dinner date and rationalizing why you should go. So go. But don't expect to have a girlfriend when you're finished with it. I wouldn't tolerate that from a guy I'd just started seeing either. You cannot be that clueless.

 

P.S. Your friend gives terrible advice.

[Omei]

Why do you need to have dinner together to settle a phone line?

 

Prob what you're gf is thinking.

[todreaminblue]

what is the difference between a dinner appointment and a dinner date...nothing is different...

 

maybe you instead of having dinner with your ex could talk the phone line thing with your ex over well....the phone line that she has...instead of dinner....and an appointment...deb

[Dybbuk]

I believe now you sorta see how you were wrong, but I don't think you have fully placed yourself in your GF's shoes since you're still kind of defending your actions by saying "it's not even a date" and you feel "indifferent about the whole thing". If you really want to make this RIGHT with her, you do need to convey that you understand how this situation has made her feel and apologize sincerely for what you've done. Let me break it down for you from your GFs perspective. As someone who has been cheated on, hopefully you should understand how some of these things might be warning signs to her.

 

1. You went from a 8 year LTR to a 2 month breakup period... back into a relationship. You say it's easy to shut someone out of your life very easily when they have wronged you, but you have immediately bit at the chance to have "dinner with an old friend" that basically wronged you in the worst way a person can be wronged in a relationship. All you have to do is cancel a phone line... I don't see how dinner and catching up plays an integral part in this matter. The reality is you accepted the invitation because you do want to see your ex and hear about what she's up to. If you truly were indifferent to the matter, you wouldn't care if you were being perceived as cold by your ex, you would have just said "Let's meet at the phone service place and get this taken care of." The fact that you say you wouldn't bring your girlfriend along to the dinner so you don't make your ex feel like you're just rubbing it in her face that you moved on also proves that you do have some residual feelings or need to make your ex comfortable/happy. Call me crazy but shouldn't you be more concerned over your GF feelings than your ex's? Because it's kinda seems like it's swapped. GF is being insecure, why can't she see that we're just friends? ...But don't want to rub it in my ex's face, it's important we stay friends since we have mutual friends. Uh no. It's good to be "friendly" and civil, but you're playing with fire here and really testing the foundation of trust early on with the new GF.

 

2. "I know, I should have just lied..." Again, you know you've done wrong because your GF is pissed but I don't think you get why this was so wrong. You say you want a relationship based on trust/honesty... but you didn't have this conversation WITH your GF before you made plans to see the ex over dinner. FYI you don't get a medal for being "honest" when someone has to ASK and get the truth out of you. True honestly is complete transparency. I'm not saying you need to tell your GF every single damn thing going on in life, but for BIG THINGS like this she has a voice on those matters because they affect her too. Avoiding the subject is a pretty big deal. Everyone has some sort of boundaries when it comes to their partners dealing with her exes. Not only did you not discuss these boundaries with her, you chose to do what you wanted to do anyway and not bring it up until she found out on her own. For me that would be a giant red flag that a guy would prefer hiding/avoiding upsetting subjects instead of manning up and telling me first.

 

3. Lastly, really really really try to see this from your GF's perspective. Especially since you have been cheated on. In her eyes: You meet this guy, you click! Things are going well! He let's you know that he had a very long LTR of 8 years that very recently dissolved after she cheated. She gives you the benefit of the doubt that she's just a rebound girl (because that is a legitimate fear with people fresh out of a relationship) and she feels that you are over your Ex who WRONGED YOU, and are moving on with her. One day out of the blue she asks what your plans are for Friday night, and she comes to find out you have agreed to have dinner with your ex ALONE on Friday to "discuss changing the phone lines".... Because you know, you can't discuss a matter like that on the phone, oh also you want to catch up and be friends... So now, you have a woman who has 8 years of history with you, who knows you way better than she does (because she hasn't been around that long), a woman you have seemingly forgiven since you'll have dinner with her, and potentially a woman who may regret her actions and try to apologize/win you back. In her mind she's feeling like the fool. You have been cheated on, you know what it's like to feel like the fool who didn't see signs or clues. What you've done is sent her into whirlwind of doubt if she was just a temporary relief of loneliness while you and your ex eventually reconcile and work things out. Please understand I'm not saying that your intention is to get back with your ex! I'm saying that from her perspective and many others... is that you have not completely moved on in 2 months time and she is worried this is a sign that she's not as important as she thought she was.

 

Really marinate in all of that before you brush this all off as "It's not a date" and "I feel indifferent/clear conscience"

 

It's not just about how you feel. Your GF is now part of the equation and how she feels is just as important. If this was years and years down the line and you and your ex wanted to catch up on old times, I could then see if you had invested the time in your new GF that she should be ok with it, but you haven't invested that time. She's still 'new', so it's a little early to automatically go into 'friend' mode with the ex. You can be "friendly" and civil when taking care of business matters but you should put distance between you and your ex while you foster and nurture this new relationship. Your new GF and her feelings should take precedence over making sure your ex knows "we can still be friends". She's not the priority and you don't need to make everything right with the world with your ex right now, you need to make things right with your GF and start learning what her boundaries are in all of this. Because I guarantee you, while sometimes people have misplaced insecurities over long ago ex GFs, you see tons and tons of threads on forums about ex-couples who try to reconcile a few months after a breakup and there have been MANY 3rd party people wounded in the process. I get why your GF has her guard up.

 

Hope it works out with the apology, best of luck!

[kaylan]

I wouldn't reply to you either.

 

I would just walk away from you without a backward glance.

This.

 

I dont date women who deal with their exes. Its always been drama.

 

Unless there is a kid involved, I wouldn't give it a second thought to date someone who wants to maintain friendships with an ex.

[Poppygoodwill]

YOu definitely get points for being honest with your gf. I wouldn't advise you to lie only because it's easier to do things behind someone's back. You're right; that's no way to build a relationship.

 

However, the best thing to have done would be to mention the invitation to your gf *before* you accepted it, and ask her how she feels about it. It would ahve been a chance for the two of you to learn more about one another. And it would have given her the reason to feel she's got some control over what happens. She's clearly very attached to you and afraid that your'e not quite over the ex. I suspect there are other thigns you've said or done that might lead her to fear that. After eight years it's goign to take a good amount of time to put someone behind you in habit and mind. So many of your stories and history - the little details your new gf is learning about you - would automatically mention your ex. She's probably sick of hearing aobut her, or having her be an invisible third party between you, by default of it being such a recent breakup.

 

Anyhow, what's done is done.

 

I agree - give your gf a bit of space. But not too much. She's probably testing you to see what happens and protect her heart in the bargain.

 

If I were you I'd cancel the dinner, meet her at the phone office to take care of the bill issue, then maybe have a cup of coffee if you want to still make the point to your ex that you're over her and she can no longer hurt you. Then go on your way and *that day* call your gf and leave a message saying the phone thing is taken care of, and you'd really like to see her as soon as possible because all you could think about the whole time you were with the ex, was her.

 

Then wait. If she doesn't reappear, then let her know you're sorry that you lost her confidence, and let her go graciously. Chalk it up to experience.

 

On another note - I bet you ten dollars that your ex asked you to dinner because she's intererested in a hook up and/or getting back together and she's gauging your interest.

Edited January 30, 2015 by Poppygoodwill

[LoveRefreshed]

eight years bro. That does not change in two months. Your current girlfriend probably realizes this. Women, to generalize, are way better at understanding emotions, dating, and relationships than we ever will.

 

 

You should not lie to her about it, and it was good that you didn't. Imagine the opposite, you lie, she finds out you had dinner with your ex. Explain that one without getting a dick punch, I dare you.

 

 

I would wait a few days, and I would give a very, and I mean very sincere apology. A written letter, **** man, if you play an instrument, write her a ****ing song. Something more than "I am sorry hun".

 

 

You explain clearly about what you needed to do, and you invite her to anything that involves your ex from now on. Who cares how your ****ing ex feels about that, she cheated and violated your trust and didn't give a **** about you. You shouldn't care if it makes her "uneasy", "unable to open up", etc... to have your current girlfriend there. She has no right to those securities with you any longer. Your current gf does.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It's pretty obvious whose feelings you care about more... even if you don't want to get back together with your ex.

 

If I were your gf I would definitely break it off. 8 years, breakup 3 months ago... even before all this drama with the dinnee those are some major red flags.

 

It would be good for you to spend some time alone...

[Diezel]

I can only imagine if your current wonderful girlfriend told you that she NEEDS to have a "dinner appointment" to settle a phone line, you'd be THRILLED about it.

 

How daft can you be?

 

A dinner appointment. That's a new one. So is the phone carrier going to be having a dinner appointment with you since you two have to be present? How does that even work? In no world did it seem like the words "dinner" and "appointment" even need to be involved.

 

In fact, it was your line, you probably could have cancelled the whole thing together, get a new number, and just straight up avoid this situation. But nope, you had to go ruin a good thing because of a cheater and because you couldn't think clearly.

 

How do you fix it? Give her a few days and then call her or visit her.

 

CANCEL YOUR DINNER APPOINTMENT REGARDLESS. Jesus Christ, this should be common sense. Who cares what the intentions are? Or how your current girlfriend sees it. It's a bad idea whether you have a current girlfriend or were single. It's a REALLY Bad idea and you obviously haven't healed enough to even consider that it is a bad idea at all and have gone through great lengths to rationalize it:

 

- Dinner appointment

- Would like to be friends

- Same high school friends

 

Seriously? For a girl that cheated on you? Your approach should be scorched earth and the fact that you let the phone situation drag on this long is a greater indication of how far removed from being past this relationship is... but you can't even see that.

 

Like others have said, if it were me, I wouldn't even reconsider taking you back and you might have to deal with that reality.

[kendahke]

Long story short, I was dumped by my ex of an 8 year relationship about 3 month (because she cheated). Shortly after 2 months into the break up, I met this wonderful girl and we connected immediately and it wasn’t long before we coupled.

 

Then recently my ex contacted me to meet up to settle her phone line (She is using a sub line under my name and I am still paying her phone bill thus she wants it off my burden) and asked me out for dinner. Now though she cheated and dumped me, I have no ill feelings or any love towards her anymore and no intentions of reconciling with her. Though I would still very much like to still be friends with her. At least I think that just because we can’t be couple doesn’t mean we have to be enemies (we do share a common group of friends from high school so we would probably still see each other sometime in the future).

 

The problem is, my GF found out that I have a dinner appointment with my ex tonight and she is greatly upset. She asked me what I have planned for Friday night and I told her directly that I have to go out with my ex to settle our line issues (I know, I know I should had just lied but I wanted to build the relationship based on honesty and trust). She had always been very insecure with me as I had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship and always think that I am attracting a lot of girls unknowingly (She is 3 years younger btw). She would always be afraid that one day my ex would come back to me asking for reconciliation and I would go back to her (which I am sure won’t happen but that’s another story altogether).

 

So here is the issue, my GF went silent mode with me and asked for some time off. I messaged her and called her but she won’t reply.

 

How should I address this problem (I am still going to see my ex because I need to settle the phone line)? Also, what should I do to make her feel more secure (I don’t flirt with other girls either)?

 

Some advise would be greatly appreciated as I don't want to lose this wonderful lady in front of me. Thanks in advance.

 

No--you should not have lied about it. That would be suggesting there was something to hide.

 

Can the phone issue be settled without you two going to dinner? Like, can you meet at the phone center and do your business there? It looks like an excuse to meet up and have a reconnection moment.

 

Here's the thing: You said "She had always been very insecure with me as I had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship and always think that I am attracting a lot of girls unknowingly". True her insecurity issues are hers to deal with, not you, because if it isn't this instance, it's going to be something else and she has an expectation of your to carry her burden, which she should be dealing with herself. However, this isn't something that just sprung up on you yesterday.

 

Now, I must say that handling a phone issue does not require going out to dinner and you had to have known that that would feed into the insecurity which you already knew about. However, if she isn't in a place where she is able to trust you or cannot handle the open and honest way in which you are proceeding (and you should stay to that path and never waiver), then perhaps she isn't emotionally ready to be with any man until she resolves her issues with her past boyfriends.

 

Here's the thing: the very thing she's afraid of has happened. Your ex has come back and there is the possibility of her putting reconciliation on the table. Thing is: no one can control what your ex is going to say but your ex. You can't control her. You can only control yourself. Your girlfriend can only control herself. Her feeling secure has to come from how you conduct yourself, but more so how she has resolved her past issues and is in a place to trust. It doesn't sound like she's in a place to trust you or any man. She may be more invested in being right than she is invested in trusting you.

 

If your mind is set that there is no way in hell that you are going to go back to your ex and your girlfriend cannot accept that and trust your integrity, then you perhaps need to rethink the wisdom in being with someone that fragile, because as I said earlier, it's always going to be something with her--and she is going to attempt to make you own what some guy in the past did to her.

Edited January 30, 2015 by kendahke