A couple of things guys have told me...

[thecrucible]

I've noticed that with some of the guys I've been interacting or dating with recently, they have said things like "you seem to be holding back" or "I just can't figure you out" or "you are hard to read". What do you think they could possibly mean by that? I don't do this deliberately, I just open up slowly and when I am comfortable. I am not pushy with flirting either. I sometimes wonder if I should do things differently or be more forward with guys.

 

 

Another guy I dated recently said "you are definitely not normal but in a good way" and then laughed. I suppose I am a bit quirky and I have heard this before from people. It makes me a bit worried because I never think of myself as different or unusual so hearing that makes me question myself a little. He also said I act like a little girl sometimes, and sometimes like a woman.

 

 

So yeah what type of impression do you think I am giving if they are saying these things?

[Erised]

I've noticed that with some of the guys I've been interacting or dating with recently, they have said things like "you seem to be holding back" or "I just can't figure you out" or "you are hard to read". What do you think they could possibly mean by that? I don't do this deliberately, I just open up slowly and when I am comfortable. I am not pushy with flirting either. I sometimes wonder if I should do things differently or be more forward with guys.

 

 

Another guy I dated recently said "you are definitely not normal but in a good way" and then laughed. I suppose I am a bit quirky and I have heard this before from people. It makes me a bit worried because I never think of myself as different or unusual so hearing that makes me question myself a little. He also said I act like a little girl sometimes, and sometimes like a woman.

 

 

So yeah what type of impression do you think I am giving if they are saying these things?

 

I don't think it's a bad thing. I think guys like a mystery... and the in a good way is clear enough.

 

I get the not normal and "like a guy" thing and it's clearly meant as a compliment. I'm at peace being not normal, though. I've always been more of my own person.

[oberkeat]

I've noticed that with some of the guys I've been interacting or dating with recently, they have said things like "you seem to be holding back" or "I just can't figure you out" or "you are hard to read". What do you think they could possibly mean by that? I don't do this deliberately, I just open up slowly and when I am comfortable. I am not pushy with flirting either. I sometimes wonder if I should do things differently or be more forward with guys.

 

 

Another guy I dated recently said "you are definitely not normal but in a good way" and then laughed. I suppose I am a bit quirky and I have heard this before from people. It makes me a bit worried because I never think of myself as different or unusual so hearing that makes me question myself a little. He also said I act like a little girl sometimes, and sometimes like a woman.

 

 

So yeah what type of impression do you think I am giving if they are saying these things?

 

My thinking is you're not demonstrating enough sincere interest in these guys. You let them do most of the talking, you don't ask personal questions, and are too passive in the getting-to-you process.

[Gaeta]

Don't pay too much attention to what these men say. They have had only a few moments passing in your life how can they make such big statements.

 

I get told all kinds of things too, that I am hard to read, that I am strict, merciless etc. but people that took a little more time to really know me know it's all the contrary.

 

I think your little quirky side makes you unique. You have your own personality and not trying to fit in the crowd. The right man will find endearing your little weird side.

 

Continue being yourself.

[stillafool]

Did you ever ask any of these guys what they meant when they made these statements? What did they say?

[Andy_K]

My thinking is you're not demonstrating enough sincere interest in these guys. You let them do most of the talking, you don't ask personal questions, and are too passive in the getting-to-you process.

 

Probably this. It likely means you're very passive, and simply wait to see how the dating process progresses, rather than make any effort to get to know the guy or progress things in any way.

 

It's common among girls who are pretty enough that they've never needed to do any of these things, and have always been able to just let guys chase them hard, make all the moves, and show all the interest.

[smackie9]

You answered your own question. You are slow to feel comfortable, not flirty, etc.

 

I have heard those things many times when I was a teenager. I was a shy person, sometimes had a hard time trusting people, and a bit of an introvert.

 

These guys want you to be more open, respond to them more, show your sexy self.....that's what guys like.

 

I realized this so I adjusted. I smiled more, more eye contact, touching, flirting....got way better results.

[thecrucible]

Probably this. It likely means you're very passive, and simply wait to see how the dating process progresses, rather than make any effort to get to know the guy or progress things in any way.

 

It's common among girls who are pretty enough that they've never needed to do any of these things, and have always been able to just let guys chase them hard, make all the moves, and show all the interest.

 

 

I think maybe I do need to put myself out there more. It's not because I'm entitled. It's actually because I'm really cautious, having had my trust been taken advantage of. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 18 and although I am long past that, I'd say that it did have a general effect on my psyche.

 

 

It could be that I'm not as interested in a relationship as I thought I was. I've become more confident in myself recently and learnt to be independent and I was never like that when I got with the abusive guy and when I always depended on a man to be happy. I maybe just need to tone it down and learn how to need a guy again.

 

 

I'm in a transitional phase where I'm uncertain of my future - I don't have a permanent job and I'm applying everywhere for new ones. That might be stopping me from serious romance at the moment...I don't know...It's really hard to know where my head is at.

 

 

I am actually quite flirty but I don't want to push harder than the guy does as due to my history of going for wrong guys when I was younger - I want to feel completely comfortable before I got more flirty and it takes time but I'll always show the guy I'm receptive in some way. I'm not a cold fish or anything....I maybe just don't fall for guys as quickly as some might.

[thecrucible]

You answered your own question. You are slow to feel comfortable, not flirty, etc.

 

I have heard those things many times when I was a teenager. I was a shy person, sometimes had a hard time trusting people, and a bit of an introvert.

 

These guys want you to be more open, respond to them more, show your sexy self.....that's what guys like.

 

I realized this so I adjusted. I smiled more, more eye contact, touching, flirting....got way better results.

 

 

Thanks . I'm not shy but I have social anxiety and it comes and goes depending on my mood. I can start up conversations with almost anyone but I'm always nervous.

 

 

I'll give what you said a go.

[thecrucible]

My thinking is you're not demonstrating enough sincere interest in these guys. You let them do most of the talking, you don't ask personal questions, and are too passive in the getting-to-you process.

 

Thanks. This could be it. And I think comes down to my social anxiety too. I've not been with guys that have taken much interest in me before so I sort of learnt to shut up talking about myself because I wouldn't get heard and it's got me into the habit of not being able to share things about myself off the cuff. It's a big deal for me to feel like a guy is really listening and taking an interest in who I am and I just get afraid I'll start talking about myself and I'll sound boring or self-obsessed.

 

 

I sometimes get socially anxious and my brain goes blank and I forget what to say. I get an other-worldly feeling that I'm not in my body and I'm looking down on myself. It's weird.

[thecrucible]

Did you ever ask any of these guys what they meant when they made these statements? What did they say?

 

One of them I did. I might ask the other guy when I next see him but he only wants me as a one time girl (well it seems like it 'cause every time I see him he tries to get me to go back to his and we've never been on a date or anything)...

 

 

...The other guy wouldn't be drawn on it because he said he didn't want to offend me.

[smackie9]

Guess what it comes down to is that guys need strong signals. Guys will say things like that to fish for answers in how much you are interested in them, because they like you but are unsure.

[EgoJoe]

Because they are "negging" and it's really transparent.

 

 

Try to find a guy who knows how to have and guide a real conversation. As for dude who hasn't taken you on a date and is trying to take you back to his place, lose him...neeeext!

[GemmaUK]

You say you were in an abusive RS before.

 

 

Be aware that someone suggesting you are not open enough could be him wanting to feel great and it might have nothing to do with you.

 

 

You....

are entitled to go at your own pace.

You choose when to day you like him (if you do).

 

 

If your pace does not match and he is pressuring then you get out,

You already know manipulation is not on.

[mightycpa]

I have two observations.

 

#1 - You are inscrutable.

 

#2 - You simply haven't met somebody who has piqued your interest sufficiently. You'll put yourself out there for that person, I'm sure.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, unless you're a deadpan Sally.

[thecrucible]

Because they are "negging" and it's really transparent.

 

 

Try to find a guy who knows how to have and guide a real conversation. As for dude who hasn't taken you on a date and is trying to take you back to his place, lose him...neeeext!

 

 

I didn't realise that was negging. I thought negging would be something more obvious like telling me I put on a few pounds or something? Well I was going to be annoyed at that guy but that gives him power too so I'm just going to enjoy my life and what I am doing.

 

 

The other guy mentioned is a wonderful guy who I got to know online but unfortunately didn't go the distance with and I think I was holding back because I wasn't sure how much of a connection I felt. I'm not blaming it on him. It's all my fault.

 

 

I'll not give up on myself yet. Will embrace online dating again and keep an open mind about different social events I can check out and hopefully meet someone new.

[thecrucible]

You say you were in an abusive RS before.

 

 

Be aware that someone suggesting you are not open enough could be him wanting to feel great and it might have nothing to do with you.

 

 

You....

are entitled to go at your own pace.

You choose when to day you like him (if you do).

 

 

If your pace does not match and he is pressuring then you get out,

You already know manipulation is not on.

 

Thanks yes you are right I think. Yep I've obviously been holding off for a reason. That guy I mentioned is WRONG for me. When I first met the guy, I also told him I just didn't feel that I knew him well enough yet and I prefer to get to know someone in a date setting. So I'm not sitting here passive like it might come across. I've definitely given him enough signals...well that guy...

 

 

The second guy is more genuine. I kinda want to give it another shot with him but it doesn't feel like the right time yet. He's still in my life. There are guys in my life and sometimes I mentioned something and they would say "You should've said. I would have done that for you". I never knew he thought that until he said the other day, but it goes to show that it's good to tell a guy what you need, 'cause if he really likes you he will want to make you feel comfortable.

 

 

You made me feel better. Thank you. I'm not in despair about this although I could be. I'm just going to look ahead. To me I've come so far since being with an abusive guy that being alone doesn't feel like a burden to me. If I ever feel sad about being single, I take my mind to what it feels like to be lonely unloved and yet in a relationship and it gives me some sense of perspective...To me it's a big deal that I haven't chased guy number 1 because the old me would have done and got used. The old me would have let the guy get on my wick but he hasn't really - no tears, just bewilderment at the moment.

 

 

Euurghh I need to go back to basics - rid myself of anything shallow. My clock's ticking. Don't need guys like that first guy. Lame 'cause it's not much of an achievement but I'm proud of myself for not pursuing guy number 1 or falling for his attempts to get me into bed. It's an achievement for me sadly 'cause of how vulnerable I was with men before and maybe I am growing into a woman now?

[thecrucible]

I have two observations.

 

#1 - You are inscrutable.

 

#2 - You simply haven't met somebody who has piqued your interest sufficiently. You'll put yourself out there for that person, I'm sure.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, unless you're a deadpan Sally.

 

 

Thanks. I'm not deadpan. I try and follow my intuition and I can't stand anything more than lack of integrity or faked interest in someone. I hate leading anyone on so I try and act naturally depending on the situation.

 

 

I made a friend with an older guy last year (completely platonic as he wasn't a creeper) and he told me I need to sit back with guys and let them come to me because a guy will do that if he's worth my time. Since he said that I've never approached guys ever again and I get more attention bizarrely. But anyway, my point is that I've been encouraged to draw back so I don't expose my vulnerabilities too quickly with men. I don't call it playing games - I'm not trying to play games with any guy, just trying to protect my emotional wellbeing.

 

 

Maybe #2 is true.

 

 

Thanks everyone suppose it's hard for you guys to say without having met me or observed me. I always thought it was better to react to what people say about you in a constructive way...'cause sometimes dating problems I've had are not about the guy (and it's too easy to say that) but about me.

[guest569]

I've been told that too by a guy, that I am a puzzle, hard to read, enigma, hard to figure out etc. my ex criticised me about my shyness.

 

I'm a bit shy but i am very simple and an open book. I disagree with the one who called me an enigma etc. I like who I am and wouldn't change it, and i dont think it gets in the way of relationships at all. As long as you can express yourself and communicate with your partner it doesn't matter. It takes time to open up.

 

I'm not really sure what to make of comments like that, but I think they are just passing comments that shouldn't be taken too seriously.

[Gloria25]

The OP sounds a lot like me....

 

I'm introverted and it takes me a while to trust...I mean if a guy flirts with me, even if I find him attractive, I feel uncomfy and ask "what would he want with me?" I feel more comfortable when I pick the person...

 

But, once I feel I can trust you, I open up...sometime too much (lol).

 

I also don't require as much attention as "normal" people, but that doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about him, won't be affectionate when we do see each other and/or am seeing other people. Why do people have to call/text/etc all day, all the time is beyond me. I mean, when you're living with someone it's different, but then again, people who are living together aren't declaring undying love 24/7, they are probably having mundane convo like "what's for dinner?"...So, I gotta text you every day to ask you what you ate for dinner cuz we don't live together?

 

I'm very quiet and stoic too...I often fear that will turn off guys. One reason I do the FWB thing, cuz when I "do" see them, I probably can have more to talk about cuz I don't see them all the time.

[Gloria25]

I've been told that too by a guy, that I am a puzzle, hard to read, enigma, hard to figure out etc. my ex criticised me about my shyness.

 

I'm a bit shy but i am very simple and an open book. I disagree with the one who called me an enigma etc. I like who I am and wouldn't change it, and i dont think it gets in the way of relationships at all. As long as you can express yourself and communicate with your partner it doesn't matter. It takes time to open up.

 

I'm not really sure what to make of comments like that, but I think they are just passing comments that shouldn't be taken too seriously.

 

I try not to take them too seriously, but often end up trying too hard cuz I'm trying to show to show them that I "do" care...then they get turned off cuz I'm overcompensating to try to show attention like "normal" people

[smackie9]

Dating is very competitive....the bubbly out going girl is the one that guys will gravitate to and it is just the way it is. I don't know why people are so negative about change....change is a positive thing, if helps you move forward, then just do it. You can still be the person who you are, but you can also make yourself a better person in the process.

 

It's like going to your 20 year high school reunion. You see those who have never changed since high school, and then you see those who have matured and progressed in their life. Who be more respectable to you? Obviously the people who have evolved as individuals, and progressed into new, and interesting people.

 

IMO it's all about attitude. If you are not open to the opinions of others, what is being said, and what is happening around you, you will always be stuck.

 

You don't have to change in a dramatic way and "over compensate", it can be as simply smiling more, and more eye contact.

[thecrucible]

IMO it's all about attitude. If you are not open to the opinions of others, what is being said, and what is happening around you, you will always be stuck.

 

 

I agree and that's why I thought about asking on here.

 

You don't have to change in a dramatic way and "over compensate", it can be as simply smiling more, and more eye contact.

 

 

I'm going to try that I can definitely be the outgoing bubbly girl. I often get described as that...except recently I've been worried about being taken seriously so it's harder to do that...

 

 

I'll try the more eye contact thing. And I'll try to be more into dating...aw I just don't know, a guy chatted me up today (despite the fact I was wearing no make-up) and I felt like I wasn't even there...that I was watching myself. I feel like that a lot with dating recently - like I can't really connect with people and not 'cause I'm shy but 'cause my head is for some reason elsewhere...All I can think about these days is trying to get on the career ladder since college and eventually earning enough to move out of my parents' house and maybe into a city.

 

 

Maybe someone hit the nail on the head earlier when they said I just need someone to pique my interest. I'm not deliberately being judgemental of people either - I just don't fall for people easily. It's like I've dated so much that it feels like acting in a movie.

 

 

I definitely wouldn't describe myself as shy - I think I'm just a bit odd haha and I have a good heart but I don't show it right away, which really sucks for me when I'm trying to make the right impression..

 

 

Hey I'll not overthink it. I'll just try and really engage with people more and make more of an effort to show I care. I just need to be brave.

[EgoJoe]

Negging if done right makes the girl question herself which "in theory" adds to the mystery making.

 

 

It's not "hey you're getting a little thick".

[smackie9]

I always got approached more when I was without makeup and wearing sweat pants lol. I was told guys feel more comfortable around a girl that looks more natural, and less intimidating.

 

I did an experiment one day and walked through a store, and made an effort to smile a lot and some slight eye contact. I could see it got some of the male customers attention, two were following me around checkin me out and one extremely shy guy made a couragous attempt to say hi to me. It was so easy and it worked very well.....I was quite impressed.