SOB86 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've thought about this logically and I know I shouldn't care. The number of men she's been with is honestly none of my business. I should only care that she is with me now. Despite all of the logical reasons to not care I can't stop the emotional side of it. The twisting feeling in my stomach and the haunting images that come to me at night like some ghost of girlfriend's sexual past. I've never inquired into her past. We talk about sex and she'll bring up that she's done this or that with other people. She's had a threesome and it bothers me that some other guy got to experience that with my girlfriend. I keep involuntarily picturing it like in the movie High Fidelity with John Cusak when he envisions his separated girlfriend having orgasmic sex with a male roommate of hers. Later she revealed how she had casual sex with a neighbor. How often she had these type of encounters I don't know and don't want to. In the past she's tried hard drugs, had friends that were into hard drugs, and being in that kind of environment I wonder what else she's done. She has a lot of male friends and has lived with male roommates. Doesn't mean she's slept with all of them but my imagination is determined to torture me with the idea. The crazy part is I'm somewhat envious of her. I've always wanted to have a threesome. I've always wanted to have random sexual encounters. But I don't have the personality for it or at least I never gave it any real effort. I'm 28 and feel like I've wasted my twenties playing video games and jerking off. Including my current gf I've only been with three people. She can't change her past and I don't want her to apologize. If given the opportunity my number would be just as high as hers. In some ways I should be thankful for her experience since she has helped me to become a better lover. I love her, in a lot of ways she's the perfect girl for me. At this age it's hard to find someone who hasn't pumped out five kids with five different guys. She was smart enough to use protection at least. I want to turn off the negative jealous thoughts but I don't know how. At one point I'm gripping my pillow and mentally yelling "It doesn't matter!" I haven't told her how I feel because I don't want her to know how insecure I am. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything without being judged. At the same time keeping it bottled up inside me is driving me crazy. Although typing all this out right now is already making me feel a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 This might sound illogical, but what is creating the tension inside you is you trying not to think about it... But thinking about it... While you resist it... Let yourself think about it for five minutes, and see how you feel when you are not resisting it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 You got to let this go. It all stems from insecurity, and if you express it to her, you'll be punching holes in your relationship. Insecurity is not attractive. Keep in mind that she's not with these previous guys, she's with you. She chose you. Remind yourself of that the next time your brain starts f*cking with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 And, that's the hypocrisy of the sexual lib, "progressive/modern", and/or women's movement when it comes to women's sexual activity. They tell us to get out there and get ours without fear cuz we have a right to be sexual and a guy shouldn't date you if you're not giving him any. But, men still take issue with a woman having sex with others...even if it's one guy besides him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Oh good god alive, not another one.... How come guys are so damned 'precious' about their GF's past? They all expect chaste virgins, but at the drop of a hat, would want to screw around themselves and sow their wild oats... so who do you actually think you'll be screwing, but some guy's future GF, who will get all prissy about her sexual past.... Talk about double-standards... Oh, Ignore me, I'm having a bad day... 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SOB86 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I read in another article by someone from the Kinsley Institute that it's the fear of being constantly compared to past lovers. That's why the number matters so much to men. As the article put it it's easier to compete with two men instead of fifty. I think most of us at least want to believe that we are the best our partners have ever had. I'm not so naïve to actually believe it but it would be nice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 That's got nothing to do with her sex drive but everything to do with 'your' male ego (your generic, not your specific). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I haven't told her how I feel because I don't want her to know how insecure I am. I want her to feel like she can tell me anything without being judged. At the same time keeping it bottled up inside me is driving me crazy. Although typing all this out right now is already making me feel a little better. I see nothing wrong with telling her you want reassurance as long as it's notplacing itas her issue. I'm not sure how productive it would be, though. I agree with reminding yourself she chose you. And focus on other elements. I bet it will pass. Sorry I'm not more help. My partner's past has never bothered me so I don't have much experience. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 You gotta remember that the number doesn't mean much. Trust me - most of the sex she had wasn't great. And she isn't with you thinking about those other people - so you need to be present with her too. Come up with things to tell yourself when these thoughts enter your head. "This is just my insecurity talking." "She chose me." "I trust that she will communicate with me if there is anything I need to change to satisfy her." "These other people aren't better than me." ...until you believe them. It would be one thing if your gf's values were not the same as yours. But in this case, you admit you would have done the same thing. So you KNOW it is simply insecurity. It just takes a little work to get through it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SOB86 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the responses. To the first response, you're right, the more I think and let myself analyze it the better I feel. I don't think she would cheat on me. Nothing about her past makes me think she would. It could be that I feel ashamed of my own lack of experience. Maybe some deep seeded belief that she'll think of me as less of man for not being able to match her past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the responses. To the first response, you're right, the more I think and let myself analyze it the better I feel. I don't think she would cheat on me. Nothing about her past makes me think she would. It could be that I feel ashamed of my own lack of experience. Maybe some deep seeded belief that she'll think of me as less of man for not being able to match her past. Tell yourself that its just a thought like any other. If you resist it you create tension. If you don't resist it, it will come and go just like any other thought. Peace, Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 *deep -SEATED*... Said the resident grammar nerd with PMS.... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I read in another article by someone from the Kinsley Institute that it's the fear of being constantly compared to past lovers. That's why the number matters so much to men. As the article put it it's easier to compete with two men instead of fifty. I think most of us at least want to believe that we are the best our partners have ever had. I'm not so naïve to actually believe it but it would be nice. That is imprecisely described, although it is close. It is the fear of not being the BEST lover she's ever had. In the worst of your imagination, you can just see her having orgasm after orgasm with far, far greater enthusiasm than she's ever had with you. I think it is pretty much the same movie that plays in your head when a girl you love dumps you, except THAT guy is there after you were. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 She sounds like fun, curious and brave. As long as her life is on track, she has no addictions, she's productive, and she is loyal, she's not the problem. Your insecurity is. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 You just didn't do the one thing you needed to do: 'honey, I am glad you got to experience your sexuality and done it in a smart and safe way but I would prefer you don't give me the details. It's a man thing'. Solved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 This is a golden opportunity to be a little bit vulnerable and ask her to take you for a walk on the wild side. It's ultimately the woman who holds her own power to orgasm. If she has had a rocking sex life, a huge part of that is that she's in tune with her own sexuality. Work WITH her on this, not against her. All I'm saying is to consider this from another angle. Those uncomfortable moments can be a springboard for deep intimacy, exploration of both of your desires, and a deeper voyage into trust and communication. If you can go there without freaking out, sometimes deep Freudian issues can be channeled into fire. Do make sure, as others have said, she is respecting you and not rubbing past sexual experiences in your face. If this is purely a matter of your own insecurities about having a sexually intense woman, however... You can always tell her to take your hand and show you the way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SOB86 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 You just didn't do the one thing you needed to do: 'honey, I am glad you got to experience your sexuality and done it in a smart and safe way but I would prefer you don't give me the details. It's a man thing'. Solved. You know I actually had the opportunity to do just that when she asked me if any of this is bothering me but I wanted to seem like a cool and understanding guy so I said no. I guess I should tell her in a light hearted way before she unleashes any more skeletons from her closet to come attack me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I read in another article by someone from the Kinsley Institute that it's the fear of being constantly compared to past lovers. That's why the number matters so much to men. As the article put it it's easier to compete with two men instead of fifty. I think most of us at least want to believe that we are the best our partners have ever had. I'm not so naïve to actually believe it but it would be nice. Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the moment she got with the first guy. All you're doing is wearing out your adrenals with all this stressing. Honey, if you want to be the best a girl has ever had, pick a virgin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SOB86 Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 To blackcat, You're right about that. Unfortunately she's unable to orgasm with me due to her using a vibrator too much. The best I can do is get her really excited which makes me disappointed that we can't get there together. I was going to post a thread about it under the sex/problems part of the forum tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 You know I actually had the opportunity to do just that when she asked me if any of this is bothering me but I wanted to seem like a cool and understanding guy so I said no. I guess I should tell her in a light hearted way before she unleashes any more skeletons from her closet to come attack me. And learn to stop selling yourself out. You aren't being truthful to her or yourself and as a result of not standing in your truth, you're torturing yourself with tales of her exploits. She needs to keep that to herself. How old is she? I'm surprised that a grown woman doesn't know how to keep her council about this. I had an ex who would do that and I had to tell him to keep that to himself. Don't nobody want to hear about all that. Always do what is in your best interests. Don't pretend in order to get over because you end up hurting yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Maybe some deep seeded belief that she'll think of me as less of man for not being able to match her past. What a lot of men seem to not get is that most women have no desire for their boyfriend to "match" any wild crazy things they have done. It isn't as if you offer to have a threesome with her, she is going to "rank" you higher. What you need to "match" and excel at is the connection. That's what we want. To feel loved and valued and respected and heard and understood. If you can excel at that, not only will you blow away any of the past lovers, you will create a relationship that is amazing - sexual and otherwise. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 To blackcat, You're right about that. Unfortunately she's unable to orgasm with me due to her using a vibrator too much. The best I can do is get her really excited which makes me disappointed that we can't get there together. I was going to post a thread about it under the sex/problems part of the forum tomorrow. Let her use an egg/bullet vibrator while you are inside her. If she can orgasm with a vibrator, she can orgasm with you. You just have to be creative. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 I read in another article by someone from the Kinsley Institute that it's the fear of being constantly compared to past lovers. That's why the number matters so much to men. As the article put it it's easier to compete with two men instead of fifty. I think most of us at least want to believe that we are the best our partners have ever had. I'm not so naïve to actually believe it but it would be nice. It's interesting, I used to have quite bad retroactive jealousy, with my first serious relationship anyway I would chew myself up and torture myself imagining my then-boyfriend sharing everything he shared with his long-term ex girlfriend. The sex part was only some of it, but I would be killing myself inside imagining them going on holiday together, having sex, for literally no reason. He'd only been with this one girl before me. The partner after him, he'd been with nearly 100 women. I actually found myself way way less jealous of his history, almost like if it was just one women I could picture it too well and thought well she must be special if he did all of that with her... with the second partner, 100 women was just way too many to even think about or care about, and thinking about it didn't bother me in the slightest, when you'd think it bothered me 100 times more than the first boyfriend. I think for me it was the perception of how special the person/people had been to my at the time boyfriend, if it was just one girl I'd think well, she must be really special to him blah blah, if it was 100 I'd think well, any hole was clearly a goal... and I felt better when I knew that my partner was indiscriminate rather than choosy, because none of those women mattered, they were just sex to him. And with one girl I could picture her and so my thoughts were more vivid. With 100, well, yeah. For some men it seems to be the other way around, they don't mind thinking of their girlfriend with one or two past partners because it shows they are choosy and value sex, and are careful of who they 'give' it to. But many partners, and they feel bad that they wound up being the fiftieth guy, so clearly he can't mean anything to her, and with 50 past partners the odds are against him being her biggest and best lover. I don't suffer with retroactive jealousy anymore, now that my own numbers are often larger than some of the guys I've dated, around double my current partner's number. Almost like I have my own history to rival his so as long as he'd have reason to be jealous in return, I don't feel it myself. For what it's worth, he isn't jealous either. He's happy I had my fun and that he gets me all to himself now. You pretty much said it yourself, if you'd had equivalent experience it wouldn't bother you. I think what's getting you is pure jealousy, you are jealous she got to taste all of the flavours of ice cream and you didn't. And now you're together, if you plan to stay together you won't have the opportunity to have a wild and crazy time, whereas she got hers in before you so she somehow got 'one up' on you with it. Maybe there's that envy there. Retroactive jealousy is weird huh. For what it's worth, my ex with 100 partners turned out to be not so much of 'the man' when he left me out of the blue in an apartment I couldn't afford alone, rendering me homeless (I was lucky enough to sofa surf for a month or two until I got back on my feet) with a broken heart. My current boyfriend has a tenth his 'number' (and only half mine) and is more of a man than my ex could ever be, because he takes care of me and I'd like to think he'd never walk out without warning and leave me with nowhere else to go. Obviously he could end up doing that, but what I'm trying to say is that sexual promiscuity is absolutely not the marker of what makes a woman desperately want be with their partner. It's how you treat her, how secure she feels, how loved she feels, how appreciated she feels, how you treat her in bed, how you make her feel like nobody else matters, the connection you have, the whole kit and caboodle. But serious jealous that does not go away can destroy a relationship. I don't think I could handle a partner who made me feel guilty or damaged goods for my sexual past, when I have no issue with it myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 The unfortunate part is that these other guys realized she was just for fun and didnt see her as relationship material...and then along strolls a guy like you who'd be considering wife-ing her up. That's a troubling situation for you because you get to feel insecure about everything and everyone she has done, which is typical for guys with your past. But to the other guys you just look like you're trying to be the white knight. Some guys with women who have a very long or vivid sexual past just embrace it and try to absorb the wild side of her (if anything is left) for their inner selves and desires...but you're probably not that old and experienced for that yet. Unfortunately her seedy past can affect what she is willing to do with you as now she associates those things with negative experiences with other men or the past...so you may not in any way benefit from this, contrary to popular belief. Women can victimize themselves and resent those experiences sometimes and become traumatized..but not even that, just necessarily want to move on from those "wild years" and have a nice safe reliable guy like you that finally loves and accepts them for who they are....that's the idea or hope anyway. So you have to understand she's kind of testing you in some ways too...seeing your reactions, your acceptance and other things. But she gave that wild past unfortunately to the guys in the past...you sadly just get the left overs of whatever is left but what she sees as more important...like the relationship and emotionally side of things...not exactly erotica. Anyway..too much to explain, I'd just say move on, you dont understand or get this woman and because of your emotions and insecurity you're going to get attacked when you open your mouth and say something stupid because you're being "shallow" and not accepting it yadda yadda...feminism effectively counters anything you feel or can say, you'll be automatically faced with criticism for what you think or feel if it reflects in someway negatively upon a woman and her behavior..you won't get away with it and everyone will attack you for it. So I'd say just keep it to yourself unless you want to be judged and criticized, keep your pride and self respect and find a more suitable and compatible match. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 75% of women do not orgasm from penetrative vaginal sex. So grab her vibrator WHILE you're having sex and use it then. Most men don't bother and she will love the initiative. This is ALL about your insecurity. As someone who has had a healthy number of partners, I can tell you, I don't compare them. I'm always concentrate on the man I'm currently seeing. If sex isn't enjoyable then I don't stck Link to post Share on other sites
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