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What inspires men to approach a woman?


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I see talk of it regularly here. Women are sick of being approached. They put on a blank face, go into autopilot excuse mode, or some get downright nasty with a guy!

 

Because I never get approached, I don't know what this is like. I remember when I was working with a trainer at the gym, he made an offhand comment about how me being a lady, I ought to wear a hat, pull up my hoodie, and put my headphones on to avoid getting bothered. I just smiled and nodded and thanked him, I didn't have the heart to tell him that nobody was bothering me at the gym in the first place.

 

I was at a coffee shop today. There was a man sitting at a table reading, and one woman in line in front of me.

 

As soon as she paid for her order and went to stand and wait for it, the man got and went to talk to her.

 

He wasn't doing anything strange or unpleasant, but she clearly wanted nothing to do with it. She was being polite but short with her responses. He just kept right on talking and asking her questions.

 

She kept averting her eyes and looking at me, making very strong eye contact and I realized it was a bit of a "help me" look. I smiled at her as an invitation, and she then turned the conversation to me, and asked me a question. I laughed and smiled and answered her, and it turned into a 3 way convo until her drink came. She quickly grabbed her drink, said bye to us and left.

 

The man didn't bother continuing to talk with me and sat back down immediately.

 

I wish I could find out what it was about her that inspired that man to walk up to her. I had a very similar experience in the same coffee shop last year. 2 men were sitting outside, when I walked up I smiled at them and went inside. A different woman walked in a minute later, and one of the men got up and followed her inside to chat with her. She politely talked and then he went back outside. As I was leaving the shop, I saw him trying to chat up another woman who had recently walked up.

 

When I see women getting approached in public, I try to watch and learn something. I feel like I'm still missing some key component.

 

Men, what makes or breaks a decision to approach a woman?

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When I see women getting approached in public, I try to watch and learn something. I feel like I'm still missing some key component.

 

?

 

I think this is confusing, too.

 

I get approached a fair amount. I'm not that attractive. I am clearly not sending signals. (Often, I am reading a book.) I don't really dress to impress.

 

I always figured it was because I was "accessible" and less intimidating - in that, they don't think I will reject them.

But I will. I'll do it nicely, but I have no interest in a stranger I know nothing about because I don't even find men attractive until I know them.

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I think this is confusing, too.

 

I get approached a fair amount. I'm not that attractive. I am clearly not sending signals. (Often, I am reading a book.) I don't really dress to impress.

 

I always figured it was because I was "accessible" and less intimidating - in that, they don't think I will reject them.

But I will. I'll do it nicely, but I have no interest in a stranger I know nothing about because I don't even find men attractive until I know them.

 

Sometimes when I see a man approach a woman, there's no doubt in my head why.

 

She might have a very particular look or vibe about her, something almost niche-y, that would be very attractive to that particular man.

 

Other times, it's hazy... the woman at the coffee shop today, didn't look too different from me. We were both wearing jeans and a cardigan, minimal makeup, hair in a relaxed ponytail. Her hair was slightly lighter than mine, but all in all quite similar. She was even the same height and body type as me.

 

Perhaps in a case like that it comes down to the most minute details, the nearly unexplainable little things that make or break it.

 

Days like today make me want to learn!

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She smells like sex.

 

:lmao:

 

Do you mean that she literally smells like she just had sex?

 

Or do you mean that "slightly musty vagina smell", or perhaps pheromones?

 

Or a perfume that you think smells particularly sexy?

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LoveRefreshed

I think you have to imagine it as a bell curve, and read some gain theory.

 

Imagine a bell curve for attractiveness of a woman, where most women are average.

 

Same for a guy.

 

Most guys probably aim a little higher than their value.

 

You have lot of average men and slightly less than sub average men (the majority) shooting for the normal-quite attractive (majority) of women. Then you have your hotties that most guys feel are too out of their league, and a fewer number of men will approach for the likely fear of getting shut down.

 

Now, you have a man like me whose biggest fear is that she will probably say yes. I am not afraid of rejection and only go for the top women. Who are approached a lot less.

 

I would say if you're not approached so much, you either fall far under average or far above average. The dating pool that thinks they can score you or are interested god forbid you dress like the mom from that crazy dance reality tv show (forgot the name, something like mama bam bam or something), so you get approached less.

 

If you want to get approached, I will tell you what does it for me.

If a girl makes good eye contact and smiles, I will try to initiate a conversation by at least saying hi, and trying to crack a witty joke. If she returns with something witty or opens the convo, I will go along with it and then ask her for her number or out for a coffee right away.

 

If she is not paying any attention and looks disinterested in being approached, I really don't unless I have a major in somehow. Holding a book I like, or from an author I love... or one I despise. Wearing a band tshirt I like, know her from somewhere. But I am a bit more hesitant to push the convo because she could be not interested due to a bf, no time, recent break up, not attracted etc...

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LoveRefreshed

 

If you want to get approached, I will tell you what does it for me.

If a girl makes good eye contact and smiles, I will try to initiate a conversation by at least saying hi, and trying to crack a witty joke. If she returns with something witty or opens the convo, I will go along with it and then ask her for her number or out for a coffee right away.

.

 

Now that I've noticed this girl, I look for some sign that I won't be wasting my time by approaching her. Eye contact, a smile, she keeps looking in my direction, ect. Any of those things. I usually see these things as my green light to at least say hello.

 

comes down to making yourself approachable :D

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:lmao:

 

Do you mean that she literally smells like she just had sex?

 

Or do you mean that "slightly musty vagina smell", or perhaps pheromones?

 

Or a perfume that you think smells particularly sexy?

It's pheromones. First, there's some nose hair erections, then a light buzz in the balls begins and one feels a throbbing sensation.

 

I recall one particular time, decades ago, this happened and the room started rotating, kinda like when one is drunk. It was simply sex hormones. More recently, it's more 'hmm, that's different', and then habit takes over and I check for the wedding ring, mostly as a result of what happened that one time when the room started rotating. Heh....

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I think you have to imagine it as a bell curve, and read some gain theory.

 

Imagine a bell curve for attractiveness of a woman, where most women are average.

 

Same for a guy.

 

Most guys probably aim a little higher than their value.

 

You have lot of average men and slightly less than sub average men (the majority) shooting for the normal-quite attractive (majority) of women. Then you have your hotties that most guys feel are too out of their league, and a fewer number of men will approach for the likely fear of getting shut down.

 

Now, you have a man like me whose biggest fear is that she will probably say yes. I am not afraid of rejection and only go for the top women. Who are approached a lot less.

 

I would say if you're not approached so much, you either fall far under average or far above average. The dating pool that thinks they can score you or are interested god forbid you dress like the mom from that crazy dance reality tv show (forgot the name, something like mama bam bam or something), so you get approached less.

 

If you want to get approached, I will tell you what does it for me.

If a girl makes good eye contact and smiles, I will try to initiate a conversation by at least saying hi, and trying to crack a witty joke. If she returns with something witty or opens the convo, I will go along with it and then ask her for her number or out for a coffee right away.

 

If she is not paying any attention and looks disinterested in being approached, I really don't unless I have a major in somehow. Holding a book I like, or from an author I love... or one I despise. Wearing a band tshirt I like, know her from somewhere. But I am a bit more hesitant to push the convo because she could be not interested due to a bf, no time, recent break up, not attracted etc...

 

Alot of this makes sense.

 

Except the part where you say you're afraid she will say yes? Why is that?!

 

I think I'm average, but I live in SoCal and there are a LOT of stunning women around, so in comparison I might end up below average.

 

If a woman initiates conversation with you, are you for sure going to ask her out? Are there instances where you might continue to chat with her but not pursue anything? What causes that?

 

I ask because I talk, and smile, and laugh with men often, and they politely chat back, but then that's that. I have been told, however, that I might be coming on too strongly. I'm trying to find a balance between looking friendly and inviting, and overdoing it.

 

Would a woman like that be offputting to you?

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I look for different things when I decide whether or not to talk to a woman. I like women who stand out in some way. Maybe she has some physical characteristic that caught my eye, maybe she dyed her hair a weird color, maybe she dresses in a way that separates her from the pack. Those are the things that really get my attention more than anything else. If you're the girl wearing a black leather jacket and some Dr. Marten boots, I will notice you easily among the droves of women wearing yoga pants and a North Face jacket.

 

Now that I've noticed this girl, I look for some sign that I won't be wasting my time by approaching her. Eye contact, a smile, she keeps looking in my direction, ect. Any of those things. I usually see these things as my green light to at least say hello.

 

I've bounced back and forth between being someone who "stands out" and someone who sort of "blends in".

 

Black leather jacket is a staple for me, and I've been known to throw in doc martens in the past. The yoga pant north face look is comfy, but just isn't quite my style.

 

I used to have blue hair, and I thought it looked amazing, but I got a lot of "what the heck??" comments from male friends whose opinions I trust, and even a rude comment from a strange male cashier, so I grew tired of it and I dyed it back to my natural brown. I got the gist that people wouldn't take me seriously with blue hair.

 

Now my style is more a toned down version of the "stand out" version I used to have. Classic, simple pieces with a bit of an edgy piece thrown in now and then.

 

Regardless of whether I was in a more "stand out", "blend in", or "in-between" phase in my style, it never made a bit of difference! So, I do what makes sense to me and what happens to make me happy at that time.

 

The one, for sure thing, is to make sure I'm groomed and hygienic and put together, regardless of what style choice I'm making.

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LoveRefreshed

I am pretty emotionally closed off. I am afraid to hurt girls because, in my history, most cases girls fall hard for me and I don't for that. I have crushed every girl I have dated in the end :(

 

That is why I am afraid they will say yes. Also the reason I go for the girls that will likely say no, because if I do get them, then hopefully I will feel so lucky to have them, that I could actually fall in love or something.

 

I rarely open up, and have so recently with one girl and it didn't work out so well with me :/

 

 

 

Hrmm, why I would not ask her out if I was approached... Generally if I am not attracted to her at all.. or she seems like she isn't even close to my type. I.e. I smoke pot and am athiest.. if she is wearing a cross or has mentioned something negatively about "stoners", I just assume nothing good comes from this. If she likes country music, also a death sentence for a girl. I like classic rock and the closest thing to country I listen to is Johnny cash and the grateful dead.

 

However, attraction for me is tricky, it is not all looks. I mean certainly I have my preferences, but it is about body language, smiling, if she appears confident and happy, then I will be attracted. So in that case, I would ask her out.

 

Or if she is a coworker or an ex of a good friend.. I guess I wouldn't shoot for them.

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It's pheromones. First, there's some nose hair erections, then a light buzz in the balls begins and one feels a throbbing sensation.

 

I recall one particular time, decades ago, this happened and the room started rotating, kinda like when one is drunk. It was simply sex hormones. More recently, it's more 'hmm, that's different', and then habit takes over and I check for the wedding ring, mostly as a result of what happened that one time when the room started rotating. Heh....

 

This reminds me of my old boss who I had a bit of a crush on... it was his smell that first got me!

 

He'd walk past and his scent gave me butterflies in my stomach... more and more I'd find myself smiling and giddy, liking his smile, finding his personality adorable.

 

And then came the "oh crap, I officially have a crush" phase, and I started feeling nervous around him and avoided any interactions that weren't work related...

 

but I remember the scent of him one time when we were alone in a room, and I was instantly hit with a fantasy of him pushing me against the wall, pinning my hands above my head and crushing my lips with his...

 

I had to leave the room.

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The one, for sure thing, is to make sure I'm groomed and hygienic and put together, regardless of what style choice I'm making.

 

I'm going with intimidating. I just looked at your photos.

 

PS> I get approached more dressed down than dressed up, for what that's worth.

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but I remember the scent of him one time when we were alone in a room, and I was instantly hit with a fantasy of him pushing me against the wall, pinning my hands above my head and crushing my lips with his...

Yep, that's why a man approaches and otherwise unknown woman, one whom he has no clue whether she'll become his lifelong spouse or hand him back a bloody stump. Pretty much.

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If it looks like she won't chew my head and I find her attractive that is when I approached.

 

See I could never chew someones head off!

 

A homeless woman came up to me today and asked me for money. I didn't have any as I'd given the last of my spare change to a homeless man about 20 minutes earlier. I told her this, and we started chatting.

 

She finished up saying "Thank you for being nice to me. Most people either take one look at me and run the other way, or snap at me."

 

I felt so bad. It literally hurts no one to just speak kindly to someone else who talks to you. Why do people struggle with that?!?

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I'm going with intimidating. I just looked at your photos.

 

PS> I get approached more dressed down than dressed up, for what that's worth.

 

Can you give an example of what might be more "dressed down" and "dressed up", in your opinion?

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LoveRefreshed
I'm going with intimidating. I just looked at your photos.

 

PS> I get approached more dressed down than dressed up, for what that's worth.

 

 

DAMN PHOE. You're a hottie. It is certainly not because you are below average. I would totally ask you on a date. However, I think you are ****ing intimidating for most men. Maybe try sticking your neck out and asking one out for a coffee.

 

 

You remind me of this girl, actually the first girl I ever asked out, sober the day I met her, without any in. We were studying at separate tables next to each other. I can't remember how I get to talking to her, I just do it naturally. She was a lot of fun, smiles, and seemed interested.

 

I was so scared, first time I ever had done this. Finally, soo, can I get your number, maybe we can do something sometime (should have said a date). I am a chubby man, so I was just expecting her to say no. She was like, Umm, Yea, you're really funny.

 

WOWO WIN. Never went on a date with her. Damnit, but hung out a few times, but I left the state after school.

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Phoe, maybe you are too hot and men are afraid to approach you. I remember you have a cute pic. Where did it go?

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LoveRefreshed
Phoe, maybe you are too hot and men are afraid to approach you. I remember you have a cute pic. Where did it go?

 

Click her name and then her pictures.

It has to be she is intimidating.

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DAMN PHOE. You're a hottie. It is certainly not because you are below average. I would totally ask you on a date. However, I think you are ****ing intimidating for most men. Maybe try sticking your neck out and asking one out for a coffee.

 

 

You remind me of this girl, actually the first girl I ever asked out, sober the day I met her, without any in. We were studying at separate tables next to each other. I can't remember how I get to talking to her, I just do it naturally. She was a lot of fun, smiles, and seemed interested.

 

I was so scared, first time I ever had done this. Finally, soo, can I get your number, maybe we can do something sometime (should have said a date). I am a chubby man, so I was just expecting her to say no. She was like, Umm, Yea, you're really funny.

 

WOWO WIN. Never went on a date with her. Damnit, but hung out a few times, but I left the state after school.

 

I really don't think I'm intimidating.

 

When I lived in Santa Barbara there was nothing but stunning, gorgeous ladies all around me, none of whom lacked attention. I was just a fly on the wall in comparison.

 

There are beautiful women everywhere I turn here! Every guy who cheated on me and dumped me, did so for an upgrade. Seriously beautiful, smart, succesful girls. While angry and hurt, there was that part of me that said "oh well, what guy wouldn't want the better option?" - I just think those particular men could have gone about it in a more dignifying manner.

 

I've asked men out directly a handful of times, but got rejected every time. I remember once writing a post detailing the ways I asked those men out and how they responded, and most figured I likely was coming on too strongly.

 

In response to being told I come on too strongly, I made a thread asking for help on how a woman ought to approach a man, so as not to be too threatening about it, and a lot of the posters said "don't bother, let the men do the approaching"... which leaves me at a bit of a standstill.

 

I can either try to find a balance, or I can just go all out and start approaching men wildly and hope one will finally say yes!

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Phoe, maybe you are too hot and men are afraid to approach you. I remember you have a cute pic. Where did it go?

 

I got a lot of crap over my avatar. Messages telling me I look too fake or too this or that and I said "forget it" and just got rid of it lol.

 

I look put together and decent, but not "hot". I'm a normal respectable looking lady lol.

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I'm a normal respectable looking lady lol.

 

You're beautiful in your photos.

 

I was approached the other day in Who pajamas... men's Who pajamas... in public. Which I say not because anyone should dress like me (my intent was to NOT be bothered. And be cozy.) but to say that the intimidation thing really does hold weight.

 

Effort and your looks might scare a lot of men.

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See I could never chew someones head off!

 

A homeless woman came up to me today and asked me for money. I didn't have any as I'd given the last of my spare change to a homeless man about 20 minutes earlier. I told her this, and we started chatting.

 

She finished up saying "Thank you for being nice to me. Most people either take one look at me and run the other way, or snap at me."

 

I felt so bad. It literally hurts no one to just speak kindly to someone else who talks to you. Why do people struggle with that?!?

 

Because we live in a society that on one hand tells men not to even speak to women and on the other hand criticizes men for being too afraid to speak to a woman. In no way am I trivializing real harassment but the current climate makes men not even want to bother.

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LoveRefreshed

sorry to hear about your problems of being cheated on and dumped for other women. I am certain this does a number to your confidence. Well, I would have to really meet you and talk to you to find out why you are not getting much success because yeah, you're far above average (and like call of duty :D)

 

Maybe move out of cali, hahaha :D :D

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