mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I have been dating this guy for 3 months now, met four months ago. We see each other quite often, twice a week and one day on the weekend. Recently, I mentioned, I am going to have dinner with Louis, but then made a point to say that Louis is a gay friend of mine. He said, at this point, he would even be ok if I go on dinner date with other guys, and he would rather be chosen than be the only option around. So i put the question back to him, asking him if he would like to go on "dates" with other girls at this point, he said "I would like to still" I asked, "romantic dates"? He said "maybe". I asked does this mean "you don't like me enough", He said "no it does't mean that, it means nothing, but he considers we are still at "beginning stage and doesn't know when the beginning stage will pass". I know he is not seeing other girls at this point. Then i tried to say, I don't think I want to see you anymore. He said he was shocked and hurt. So in a moment of weakness, I recanted. He said "if you take it back, don't ever pull that **** on me again". As a background, he has never been broken up to. He has always broken up with girls after 4 months, who cried and clinged onto him and put up with his BS. At this point, I am super confused. It has been rocky, but when I muster up the courage to walk out, he (or myself) gets sucked back. Please help me. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 From your post it sounds like you do not like the idea of him going out with other woman and he does, 3 months in id assume he would know by now if he wanted to be with you or not it sounds like him giving the okay for you to see other men is an excuse for him to do the same, sounds like he wants to keep his options open in case something better comes along and basically said you should do the same. I wouldnt say you're compatible unless you like this idea. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 This has " end up in pain" written all over it. You sound as though you already have your doubts at this stage. I'd get out of this before it turns into a complete waste of your time and energy. He sounds like a douche. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I have been dating this guy for 3 months now, met four months ago. We see each other quite often, twice a week and one day on the weekend. Recently, I mentioned, I am going to have dinner with Louis, but then made a point to say that Louis is a gay friend of mine. He said, at this point, he would even be ok if I go on dinner date with other guys, and he would rather be chosen than be the only option around. So i put the question back to him, asking him if he would like to go on "dates" with other girls at this point, he said "I would like to still" I asked, "romantic dates"? He said "maybe". I asked does this mean "you don't like me enough", He said "no it does't mean that, it means nothing, but he considers we are still at "beginning stage and doesn't know when the beginning stage will pass". I know he is not seeing other girls at this point. Then i tried to say, I don't think I want to see you anymore. He said he was shocked and hurt. So in a moment of weakness, I recanted. He said "if you take it back, don't ever pull that **** on me again". As a background, he has never been broken up to. He has always broken up with girls after 4 months, who cried and clinged onto him and put up with his BS. At this point, I am super confused. It has been rocky, but when I muster up the courage to walk out, he (or myself) gets sucked back. Please help me. What should I do? You were attempting to have the right conversation the wrong way. You two should have had this conversation but it should have been earlier and in a conversational, non-confrontational way. It would simply be about you and he communicating about what each of you is looking for yourselves out of your dating experiences. He told you he is still at the stage where he's not sure you're the one he wants to focus on. What you did was get defensive and clingy and insecure by asking "does that mean you don't like me enough?" He dumped girls after 4 months because they were getting clingy before he dumped them and they stayed that way after he dumped them. Now you are emulating them and displaying flakiness. You should have said, Ok thank you for letting me know. I would like to continue seeing you and a less frequent basis though now and without intimacy and we will each continue to date others. By the way, you cannot be "broken up" with him. You were not in a relationship. The damage has been done with this one, Tell him that you've enjoyed spending time with him, but you have decided to move on. If he tries to pull you back in, keep walking. He now knows you don't know what you want and will just cling to him out of desperation and some point will just have sex with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Leave now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Walk away, he just didn't like the fact that you ended things with him and that dented his ego. The 4 month mark is almost up anyway so break his winning streak and make him cry and cling onto you instead 2 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 You want exclusivity, he doesn't. If you don't like it, move on. You've dated for three months—that's a blip of time in the grand scheme of things. If you know he has a pattern of dumping women by month four, take that as your cue and beat him to the punch. Does he become threatening or abusive when you try to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 After three months he should know if he wants exclusivity or not and his indication of wanting to go on "romantic" dinners is that indication. You are not enough for him so it is time to let him go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 You want exclusivity, he doesn't. If you don't like it, move on. You've dated for three months—that's a blip of time in the grand scheme of things. If you know he has a pattern of dumping women by month four, take that as your cue and beat him to the punch. Does he become threatening or abusive when you try to leave? Extremely irritated and defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 You were attempting to have the right conversation the wrong way. You two should have had this conversation but it should have been earlier and in a conversational, non-confrontational way. It would simply be about you and he communicating about what each of you is looking for yourselves out of your dating experiences. He told you he is still at the stage where he's not sure you're the one he wants to focus on. What you did was get defensive and clingy and insecure by asking "does that mean you don't like me enough?" He dumped girls after 4 months because they were getting clingy before he dumped them and they stayed that way after he dumped them. Now you are emulating them and displaying flakiness. You should have said, Ok thank you for letting me know. I would like to continue seeing you and a less frequent basis though now and without intimacy and we will each continue to date others. By the way, you cannot be "broken up" with him. You were not in a relationship. The damage has been done with this one, Tell him that you've enjoyed spending time with him, but you have decided to move on. If he tries to pull you back in, keep walking. He now knows you don't know what you want and will just cling to him out of desperation and some point will just have sex with you. I agree with Redhead14's observation. You're not in a relationship. You're in the early stages of getting to know each other. The guy doesn't feel he knows you well enough yet. If you want to be exclusive, he should want that too. But it's a bit early for that type of talk, I think. You blew it with this one. If you don't like how things are going now you should consider ending things and moving on. Otherwise, chances are you'll get sucked in, have sex, regret it, and break up for good. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Extremely irritated and defensive. Well that doesn't bode well for the future. Is there anything about this guy that makes you want to stay, beyond having a "weak moment?" Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 He has always broken up with girls after 4 months, who cried and clinged onto him and put up with his BS. You've just shown him that you are that woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 How was I clingy? Wasn't I the one trying to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) How was I clingy? Wasn't I the one trying to end it? He has always broken up with girls after 4 months, who cried and clinged onto him and put up with his BS. As in you've shown him that you will deny yourself and accept whatever the terms to accommodate him -- hence just as all the other women that put up with his BS. Trying to end it and ending it and following through are two different things. You recanted because of fear. Everytime you end it and he pulls you back in, is in no way different from the other women that probably knew he sucked yet kept clinging to whatever it is he had to offer. Edited January 28, 2015 by Zahara Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 He also has no friend other than his EXes who he keeps constant contact with or girls interested in dating him, IMing, snapchatting (he is 35 btw). No male friends. He snaps at me all the time, but says I have a mood swing issue when I get upset for being snapped at. The list of red flags goes on. Yet, it's so hard to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 How was I clingy? Wasn't I the one trying to end it? Yes but you took it back. You should have stuck to what you said originally because now he thinks you are playing games and acting silly. Be strong and say what you mean and mean what you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 He also has no friend other than his EXes who he keeps constant contact with or girls interested in dating him, IMing, snapchatting (he is 35 btw). No male friends. He snaps at me all the time, but says I have a mood swing issue when I get upset for being snapped at. The list of red flags goes on. Yet, it's so hard to break up. It's a 3 month relationship. Best to feel the pain now rather than a year from now when you are way in deep and you're struggling with his contact with ex girlfriends and women interested in him. That's not going to change. Really, what is so exceptional about this guy that keeps you holding on? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Girl, what are you doing??!? This guy sound like a grade-A douche. F*ck it and move on. You've got so much more life in you than to waste it on some loser who doesn't respect you and only talks to other women. I realize it's hard to break up, but what in God's name is keeping you there? You feel like you can't do better? You're afraid to be single? He's like OMG amaze-balls beyond his controlling, douchey behavior? What do YOUR friends and family say? Can you lean on them for support while you get away from him? Cut and run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 They told me to run. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 They told me to run. So you have forum of strangers even telling you to run. What now? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Again I ask, what about this situation is causing you to linger? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 I thought strangers would be more objective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mmlee Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Again I ask, what about this situation is causing you to linger? I don't know, when it's good, I enjoy his company. And he is good looking? And good on paper? Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Well, I'd wager to bet that at this point, you could find a man whose company you enjoy who will not treat you like this guy does. No one can force you, of course, but I think you're hearing the same thing over and over again because everyone else can see something you can't—which is that you'll be better off without him. The choice, of course, is yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I don't know, when it's good, I enjoy his company. And he is good looking? And good on paper? If you resign to believing that you deserve so little for yourself, then there is nothing anyone can say to get you to make the right choice for yourself. He probably can smell your weakness and dependence for him and will most likely keep you on his terms. Hopefully you realize your value and set better standards for yourself and in what you desire from a relationship/partner. Link to post Share on other sites
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