Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Why is it that when I'm saying I'm not ready for a relationship, because my head is messed up, and being honest, there's so many guys who are so explicit and clear about wanting to be with me in a long term relationship? The L word pops up. I even had for the only time in my life sex with a guy I'd only known for a few weeks (we met at a hiking event and did talk for many hours, but it was my second time seeing him) and he promptly afterward tells me that he really likes me, and hopes that it didn't ruin our chance for a relationship because we could be good together. Meanwhile, my friends who are looking for a long term relationship, get used or run into guy after guy who isn't interested. (These friends are oft more attractive, more accomplished in their careers, more stable at the moment. Better prospects by far if you ask me.) Why? I can't say that when I was ready that there were no guys to be found, because I haven't been single long enough to have that experience. I know the last guy I was tempted to open up to was absolutely not ready until I told him I couldn't wait for him anymore, and was actually serious about it and didn't contact for a week--- then he all the sudden "realizes" he couldn't lose me and wanted to date me. (Eff that. And I told him "Too late." I was proud of myself.) Are people just really messed up in general, or is it just the weirdest coincidence ever? My friends are giving me a hard time about passing up great guys I like - saying take a chance- but I know that it's not fair to anyone when I'm feeling so hesitant about being vulnerable to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 My favorite girlfriend of all time dated me and others casually for about six months before she would entertain the idea of going exclusive. She insisted that I do the same while we got to know each other. It actually worked out, because by the time that six months came around, we were both sure that we wanted to be together, and it wasn't because either of us was lonely or too eager to jump into a relationship. So stick to your guns, and tell those over-eager beaver guys to cool their jets, because you have options and you don't want to waste your time with someone only to figure out that you got involved too soon. There's nothing wrong with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Wow I sort of know the feeling... I have always wanted a relationship with the men I couldn't have. I am not attracted to bad boys or @ssholes though! I like a man who treats me well, takes me out for meals and spoils me and doesn't treat me like [email protected], I always have one or two men in my life who completely adore me and would KILL to have a relationship with me. I overlook them. They just don't excite me enough to make me WANT to date them. Not desperate guys, either! Men who don't just settle for anyone, yet I had them at hello... For whatever reason, I have gone for men that "excite me" and in the end, weren't into me enough to have a relationship...It wouldn't be fair to the men who adore me, of me to give them a go when I truly yearn for more fireworks and sparks. I have people on here tell me that I shouldn't pass up such decent men who actually adore me and want to build a relationship with me. The thing is - do you WANT a relationship badly? If not, I don't see the point in "giving the guys who want you" a chance...I am happy to wait years for a relationship and based on my lifestyle right now, I would rather focus on my studies and work and friendships than I would a relationship... If you WANT a family... and WANT children badly... and you are 30 or beyond.... then no, you wont find "that guy" who gets your heart racing in time to have a family. If you are happy to cruise along in life, single, for a long time, then don't settle for the guys who may want you, but who you are just not excited about dating..... My good friends don't see the harm in someone like me simply not wanting to settle for the men who are crazy about me and are cute enough and amazing people who would be very good to me. And it makes my blood boil when perfect strangers, both men from online dating and folks on here - all tell me that I will just remain single forever, since I will likely NEVER get the men I actually want. How insulting. Do what you're doing. Don't let others try to give you unsolicited advice as to HOW you should run your dating life. It is none of their darn business! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Do what you're doing. Don't let others try to give you unsolicited advice as to HOW you should run your dating life. It is none of their darn business! I've been married already. I'm not concerned about being in a relationship to be in one, for sure. Or if I ever find "the one" Right now, I justdon't WANT the one. I want to have fun and be relaxed and nothing forced and protect myself for a while. It's not about these guys not exciting me. They're each amazing. It's about not being in that place right now. Were I in a better place, they would be perfect. These guys are better in every measure than the guys I have dated. I never have tended to want guys I can't have. It happened once, though apparently I could have him when the choice was forced. I'd be happy to casually date if it could not be forced into a big, risky type thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 But really what bothers me is that they're all so interested, pulling out all the stops and clearly competing even though I tell them clearly not to do so and that it won't be productive - -while I have much more amazing friends who can't find what they are actively seeking. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 This is my philosophy of life: "To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with." It really works for me 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I get ya... I don't know, I think some guys can't handle it when the woman is calling the shots - even in a FWB type thing. They just won't relax and go on the ride already!!! Yes, with rejection there's an ego blow and I usually ponder if I wanted the person over getting my ego repaired and can say I know the difference. Like with my recent crush, don't know everything about him - but of what I do know, I liked so far...and, what kept on pulling me back into the "dance" with him was signals of "attraction" that I mistook for "interest". So, I've let it go cuz I don't wanna be a "bugga-boo" like the guys you are describing. I've had guys pursue - even stalk me - because they were rejected. Not flattering at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 We see the opposite of you on here every day, people who so desperately want love that they scare people off. I think for many people, men and women, it's safer feeling to be able to chase someone if they aren't coming toward you, aren't desperate, and it's not all for bad reasons. On some level, they sense you're not desperate and that one move by them won't plunge them into a relationship with someone who is in love with love and becomes, well, a problem: too clingy, too needy. Men especially don't mind a chase. This doesn't mean they'll all propose, of course, but I think you get a stronger class of men when you're not so poised to fall in love with the next guy who comes along. Once at a bar I frequented, another regular there, a guy who talked to me but never did anything about it, finally got drunk enough to spit it out one night. He told me he could tell I was just ready to fall in love and that's why he didn't take it any further with me. He was right. I was young and in love with love then. The most guys I ever attracted at one time were after a devastating breakup everyone knew about involving my best friend. I was in no condition to really even converse much less date anyone, but guys came out of the woodwork, ones I already knew. It was very strange, confusing, distracting, surreal, and might have helped me through a bad time. I got something different from each one, yet none alone were the whole package for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Um, pretty much yeah. Actually the theory applies to much in life not just dating. I challenge you to test the theory (or at least observe it for one day) with anything. Basically DESIRE ^ when AVAILABILITY goes down. Law of supply and demand. Simple basic econ. As much as we don't like to admit this: human companionship is also a commodity, it is. Test it, look for examples. You will find everywhere. I see every day both in my work and because I love to observe people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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