beach_girl Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Hi! I'm 27 years old and still live with my parents. I've been seeing this guy for about 10 weeks and have started sleeping over at his place at around week 6. He's only been able to visit me once (he works every second weekend and he has some financial problems - unforeseen budget and chronic health issues). On these sleepovers we don't have sex. We also visit his friends when I stay over, and I help him at his job because he's working. My mother hates the idea that I have to visit him all the time and that I sleep over. It also bothers me a bit, but right now we won't see each other otherwise because of his job and money issues. I can afford to visit him and he has also offered me some gas money multiple times - he feels guilty and says that he's indebted by me. That I do so much for him. He's really appreciative of me. We live an hour apart and it doesn't make sense to me to only visit him for a day and then to return home before sunset, but this is what my mom would want. Best case scenario for her would be if I don't visit him every weekend and if I skip a few weekends, regardless of his work schedule and if we would see each other. She says she only saw my father once a week or once a fortnight for a coffee date while they were dating. What do you think? Am I in the wrong for visiting him so much? Should I scale down and follow my mother's advice? I'd like him to come visit me, but I can't bear not seeing him once a week for one day because right now he really can't visit me. By the way, mom's a helicopter parent and ALWAYS wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, etc. And I feel that I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. Am I wrong? I'm torn between my my boyfriend and my mom. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Don't want parents in your business? Move out. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Hi! I'm 27 years old and still live with my parents. By the way, mom's a helicopter parent and ALWAYS wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, etc. And I feel that I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. Am I wrong? I'm torn between my my boyfriend and my mom. Please help Best way to solve this problem is to move out on your own, since you're 27 and can afford to go see him every weekend. As long as you're living with her, she's going to look upon you as still being her child. You have to make a decision whether or not you're a child or you're an adult. If you decide your'e an adult, move out and get your own place and pay your own way. That way, no one can tell you what you can do with your time. Move someplace that's close enough to your job and close enough to him so that you're not doing without for long stretches of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beach_girl Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I am planning on moving out within the next year. Can't really afford to do it right away, but it's definitely in the cards. This reminds me. About a year ago I told my mother that I wanted to move out eventually, and she lost it. Wasn't happy at all. This makes me think the problem really lies with her... But I still feel guilty about being in this great relationship because I feel that I'm destroying my boyfriend's chances at getting my mother's approval. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I am planning on moving out within the next year. Can't really afford to do it right away, but it's definitely in the cards. This reminds me. About a year ago I told my mother that I wanted to move out eventually, and she lost it. Wasn't happy at all. This makes me think the problem really lies with her... But I still feel guilty about being in this great relationship because I feel that I'm destroying my boyfriend's chances at getting my mother's approval. Are you an only child? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beach_girl Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 No. My sister is 25 and also lives at home, but in a separate flat. She got engaged Christmas Eve 2013 and her fiance has been living with her for the past three or four years. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I am planning on moving out within the next year. Can't really afford to do it right away, but it's definitely in the cards. This reminds me. About a year ago I told my mother that I wanted to move out eventually, and she lost it. Wasn't happy at all. This makes me think the problem really lies with her... But I still feel guilty about being in this great relationship because I feel that I'm destroying my boyfriend's chances at getting my mother's approval. You are a fully grown woman! Do what you want to do. Your mother will just have to accept it. You need to be out on your own at your age. I hope it happens soon for you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 First, an hour is not really that far away to prevent driving back home. I live in a large metroplex and it takes an hour to get some places in this same town, so that shouldn't be the determining factor. What bothers me is you say you're not sleeping with him as if to validate that you are being a "good girl." But at 27, you get to take birth control pills and sleep with your boyfriend. And your parents can't tell you not to. They can tell you you can't stay out all night or you have to help pay bills or whatever, but at 27, they can't dictate you stay a virgin. You do need to move out. You haven't been with this guy long enough to make ANY longterm plans though. If you're still getting along in a year and he's made some financial progress so he can take care of his 50%, then maybe you two can live together. But the better plan is to find a girlfriend or two you want to share an apartment with and get out of the parents' home so you can begin to be an adult. You're truly getting started on that too late. This should be the peak of your dating life and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beach_girl Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) First, an hour is not really that far away to prevent driving back home. I live in a large metroplex and it takes an hour to get some places in this same town, so that shouldn't be the determining factor. What bothers me is you say you're not sleeping with him as if to validate that you are being a "good girl." But at 27, you get to take birth control pills and sleep with your boyfriend. And your parents can't tell you not to. They can tell you you can't stay out all night or you have to help pay bills or whatever, but at 27, they can't dictate you stay a virgin. You do need to move out. You haven't been with this guy long enough to make ANY longterm plans though. If you're still getting along in a year and he's made some financial progress so he can take care of his 50%, then maybe you two can live together. But the better plan is to find a girlfriend or two you want to share an apartment with and get out of the parents' home so you can begin to be an adult. You're truly getting started on that too late. This should be the peak of your dating life and everything. Feels so good to know I'm not in the wrong here. I actually have a friend who wants to move in with me as soon as she's stable in her new job. Wasn't thinking of moving in with my boyfriend at all. I'd like to wait until we're married or engaged (if that's in the cards for us). I'm definitely set on moving out now. Just had a blowout with my mom again because I plan on visiting my boyfriend on Sunday. Just hoping I get a raise at the end of the year, and then I'm out of here. Thanks for all your responses! Edited January 27, 2015 by beach_girl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I was going to type a very enthusiastic MOVE OUT!!! response, but it seems you have already reached that point. That's great! Yes, I'm sure your mother will be against you moving out, but it's time to start doing what you need to do for YOUR life and your independence. If she doesn't like it, too bad - you can reassure her by telling her you'll visit and such, but do NOT let her talk you out of moving out. As for sex, that is entirely you and your boyfriend's decision, and not your parents'. Don't abstain just out of fear of your parents. But on the other hand you aren't obligated to do it if you don't want to, either. Do what feels best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Hi! I'm 27 years old and still live with my parents. I've been seeing this guy for about 10 weeks and have started sleeping over at his place at around week 6. He's only been able to visit me once (he works every second weekend and he has some financial problems - unforeseen budget and chronic health issues). On these sleepovers we don't have sex. We also visit his friends when I stay over, and I help him at his job because he's working. My mother hates the idea that I have to visit him all the time and that I sleep over. It also bothers me a bit, but right now we won't see each other otherwise because of his job and money issues. I can afford to visit him and he has also offered me some gas money multiple times - he feels guilty and says that he's indebted by me. That I do so much for him. He's really appreciative of me. We live an hour apart and it doesn't make sense to me to only visit him for a day and then to return home before sunset, but this is what my mom would want. Best case scenario for her would be if I don't visit him every weekend and if I skip a few weekends, regardless of his work schedule and if we would see each other. She says she only saw my father once a week or once a fortnight for a coffee date while they were dating. What do you think? Am I in the wrong for visiting him so much? Should I scale down and follow my mother's advice? I'd like him to come visit me, but I can't bear not seeing him once a week for one day because right now he really can't visit me. By the way, mom's a helicopter parent and ALWAYS wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, etc. And I feel that I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. Am I wrong? I'm torn between my my boyfriend and my mom. Please help You're almost 30, you need to cut the apron strings with your mom to put it frankly. She's being unreasonable. While she is your mother and you should respect her, you're an adult and should be able to make your own choices and lead your own life. Once I became 18 I respectfully* stopped asking permission and did what I wanted to do for myself. I went to college and lived on campus so had my freedom but would come home during breaks. I refused to relinquish any freedom though. It was a little awkward at first negotiating sleepovers the first time I had to do so upon returning home, but I did it, and my parents basically respected my right to do so as long as I told them I wouldn't be back for the night. Fortunately, I don't have helicopter parents but since you do, the onus will be on YOU to put your foot down as your mom will control you and your life so long as she is above ground if you don't put an end to it. Reminds me of a show I'm watching with a woman who is almost 40, still lives with her mom, when she is on the phone her mom tells her when to get off, she can never bring men home, when she says she's going on a date her mom pretends to be sick and then guilt trips her into staying home and basically always curtails anything she wants to for herself...it is a very dysfunctional relationship. Your mom may not be that bad but she still has way too much say so in your life given your age. I understand that the situation may be such that you cannot up and move (although if you can move out and gain your total autonomy away from mom that would be the best option), but if you're going to stay you still need to put your foot down about what you will and won't do. I'd continue seeing my bf as much as I wanted to and you can just ignore your mom's complaints or unsolicited advice, she may eventually tire of bringing it up if she sees you aren't budging. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 No. My sister is 25 and also lives at home, but in a separate flat. She got engaged Christmas Eve 2013 and her fiance has been living with her for the past three or four years. What does your dad have to say about all of this? Does he ever check your mom when she starts going nuts? She may be afraid that with you out of the house, she will have to concentrate on him and that scares her. She's had you and your sister to distract her for 27 years. The whole reason we have children is to raise them to be self sufficient to stand on their own and go out into the world to make their mark. She should be happy to have the time to go traveling with your dad or do things together again like they did when they were newlyweds. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Feels so good to know I'm not in the wrong here. I actually have a friend who wants to move in with me as soon as she's stable in her new job. Wasn't thinking of moving in with my boyfriend at all. I'd like to wait until we're married or engaged (if that's in the cards for us). I'm definitely set on moving out now. Just had a blowout with my mom again because I plan on visiting my boyfriend on Sunday. Just hoping I get a raise at the end of the year, and then I'm out of here. Thanks for all your responses! Get two jobs or whatever it takes -- and that very well may be what it takes, but it will be worth it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 You should ask your mom if you can invite the guy to HER place on his available weekends, and of course, he'd sleep on the couch and you could continue not to have sex. How often you see your bf is up to you. How long you can live under her roof is up to her. How long you actually do is up to you. I'm pretty sure that all the bitching is included in the rent. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Hard for a mother to let go of her brood. She will eventually have to let you go and realize that you're a grown woman who can make her own decisions and choices. After all, you have to live your own life the way you want to. Interesting that your mother seems okay with what your sister was doing - living with fiance for 3 or 4 years - but not with your visiting your boyfriend so frequently. What are we missing here? What you're doing is fine in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 you're 27. You're mother should have no opinion of your relationship. Of course, typically one doesn't live at home by that age to avoid such things. Do what feels right in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I've been seeing this guy for about 10 weeks and have started sleeping over at his place at around week 6. This seems a bit quick, to be honest. Your mother's problem might not necessarily be about you spending too much time away from home, it might be more about you making possibly poor relationship choices. That's just a matter of opinion, though. But do keep in mind that it can be jarring for the people you live with when you abruptly start spending nights away from home consistently. If you went from spending most of your free time with the family to spending none of your free time with them, that might have been a big adjustment for them. Your family is probably left going, "Who even is this guy? We don't know him at all, and she barely knows him." If you lived on your own, you wouldn't have to worry about this because your family would probably meet him organically at some point. But since you live with your folks, you should try to ease everyone into it. Don't force it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 This reminds me. About a year ago I told my mother that I wanted to move out eventually, and she lost it. Wasn't happy at all. This makes me think the problem really lies with her... But I still feel guilty about being in this great relationship because I feel that I'm destroying my boyfriend's chances at getting my mother's approval. With a mother who freaks out about her child moving out... at age 27... I'm not sure there's any realistic way he would get her approval anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beach_girl Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 This seems a bit quick, to be honest. Your mother's problem might not necessarily be about you spending too much time away from home, it might be more about you making possibly poor relationship choices. That's just a matter of opinion, though. But do keep in mind that it can be jarring for the people you live with when you abruptly start spending nights away from home consistently. If you went from spending most of your free time with the family to spending none of your free time with them, that might have been a big adjustment for them. Your family is probably left going, "Who even is this guy? We don't know him at all, and she barely knows him." If you lived on your own, you wouldn't have to worry about this because your family would probably meet him organically at some point. But since you live with your folks, you should try to ease everyone into it. Don't force it. We're not really the type of family that spends alot of time together. Even before I my boyfriend I wouldn't be home for at least one day over the weekend. So I think they're used to me not being around all the time. I do however agree with you that she may think the relationship is moving too fast, but she also needs to let me make my own mistakes and live my own life. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) Hi! I'm 27 years old and still live with my parents. I've been seeing this guy for about 10 weeks and have started sleeping over at his place at around week 6. He's only been able to visit me once (he works every second weekend and he has some financial problems - unforeseen budget and chronic health issues). On these sleepovers we don't have sex. We also visit his friends when I stay over, and I help him at his job because he's working. My mother hates the idea that I have to visit him all the time and that I sleep over. It also bothers me a bit, but right now we won't see each other otherwise because of his job and money issues. I can afford to visit him and he has also offered me some gas money multiple times - he feels guilty and says that he's indebted by me. That I do so much for him. He's really appreciative of me. We live an hour apart and it doesn't make sense to me to only visit him for a day and then to return home before sunset, but this is what my mom would want. Best case scenario for her would be if I don't visit him every weekend and if I skip a few weekends, regardless of his work schedule and if we would see each other. She says she only saw my father once a week or once a fortnight for a coffee date while they were dating. What do you think? Am I in the wrong for visiting him so much? Should I scale down and follow my mother's advice? I'd like him to come visit me, but I can't bear not seeing him once a week for one day because right now he really can't visit me. By the way, mom's a helicopter parent and ALWAYS wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, etc. And I feel that I'm old enough to make my own mistakes. Am I wrong? I'm torn between my my boyfriend and my mom. Please help I won't say you are wrong for visiting him so much. What I will say is that it is unhealthy and likely detrimental to being able to let the relationship develop naturally while minimizing the potential for you to be hurt. You should not be spending the night with a man after 6 weeks if you really want to see if a relationship can develop whether or not you are having sex. Not only that, the likelihood for ending up having sex becomes greater and will cause you to become more invested in the relationship than you should be at this point. Spending that much time sleeping over and in a man's space may end up being smothering to him. He's used to his space and his man time. He will likely get tired of this at some point and push you away because he's needs to have space. Don't let yourself be torn between your mom and your boyfriend. It's about you. What do you want for yourself? Edited January 28, 2015 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts