Engaging conversations

[Mylife]

I am back...after many many many years once again. Really need the advice I guess.

 

My man and I have been together about 9 months now. I am 25 and he is 30. Truely love eachother without a doubt, said it, show it all that has been pretty great.

 

I guess we both knew this issue existed from the get go. On the phone we have conversations about various things, quite often a couple hours long. But in person it felt a bit forced, some silent moments that I guess we are not used to yet. Didn't bother us before...its causing issues now.

 

He says our talks are dry, redundant and feels like things he says I wont have any response to, it will be a one sided convo. We dont have common interests which is also a possible issue. We are the same background, have similar future plans, love eachother's families and all that is pretty awesome. We don't really fight or argue...just been so and off with this issue of not having a lot of interesting things to talk about in person. He isnt the type that likes the "talk about your day" question, says if there was something different I would tell you, went to work, came home, had dinner...thats it.

 

For over a month now we have had good days and bad...more bad and one of us being quiet days. More him than me...I feel like our talks are ok, we just need to get to the comfort of being silent. He is ok with the silence but said there is still a connection, he feels that is missing. He says how can I live my life with a girl I can't even hold up a talk with at dinner. I agree, however I believe if we were to wakeup beside eachother tomorrow, it will be for the most part day to day type talks, not particularly engaging.

 

He is for sure a lot more well read and observant than me. Ever since I have tried to read the news more, get more in tune with pop culture, we are thinking of dance lessons together as that is my interest. But it just hurts a lot right now to see him be so quiet, hurt, scared and confused.

 

We have made it pretty clear that we dont want to loose eachother. The thought scares us both. We know we are really good together and love eachother...just don't know if this would be dealbreaker and what we can do to just help us both, we both genuinely want to try and reduce the pain its causing.

 

Anybody been through this? What did you do? Is he expecting too much?

 

I just want to have the happy days like we did in the summer, we did a lot of out doorsy stuff. One side note, this is the first serious relationship for both of us and were single for almost 6yrs prior to.

 

Please help guys...

[Emilia]

No he isn't expecting too much, it sounds like you aren't a very good match. Not sure why you think everything is great, the guy isn't getting the stimulation that would keep him interested long term, he pretty much said so. Not fighting and not arguing can be a sign of the other person's not being interested, getting bored, etc.

 

5 years can be a long gap for some people or simply that he needs a more intellectual girl. It's not just about reading up on current affairs, it's also about how you think. The fact that you don't have a common interest is a big giveaway. It sounds to me like you are mismatched intellectually, at least.

[Toodaloo]

So its fine on the phone but not in real life?

 

Why not just imagine he is on the phone? Or go somewhere that is "engaging" and talk about the art or history etc. What is the difference between the conversations you have on the phone and in real life? Write down what you talk about and see if there are subjects that appear in one situation and not the other.

 

It doesn't sound as though you are comfortable around each other though... I am tending to err along with Emilia on this one I am afraid.

[CrazyCatLady79]

My ex used to never ask me questions about much, always said it wasn't his thing and that information about me would just "come out eventually". Our conversations always felt one sided and I knew more about him than he did about me. It meant a lot of our time together was just us silently watching tv. It wasn't just me he was like this with as he never asked my friends questions. He didn't really have many friends himself, probably cause he always seemed uninterested.

 

My day to day life isn't that interesting but I would still like to be asked about it. It shows you care about that person, and without conversation.....what are you left with? It's nice that you're doing things like reading and watching the news cause its his interest but he has to compromise too! If you like to chat about your day, he should engage in conversation with you. It doesn't have to lead to a long discussion or debate, but something must happen during the day that's worth mentioning?