My boyfriend got married when he was 16. Makes me uncomfortable?

[exesandohs]

Hi there

 

 

I just need some input on how people perceive this. Myboyfriend (who is now 24 years old) got married when he was 16 – yes, 16. Thishappened back home (where you CAN get married at the age of 16). A week afterthe marriage my boyfriend ended up moving to the US. He tried to maintain the long-distancemarriage until his wife also moved to the US – but things weren’t working out.He told me they would go months without speaking to one another, and as the feelingsfaded my boyfriend came to realize that he made a mistake, and she wasn’t the ‘one’after all. 2 years later after struggling with the long distance marriage, hewent back home, and divorced her. Despite their divorce, however, theycontinued to stay in contact. Even after he got into a relationship with me, hetold me that they would message each other on birthdays or other specialoccasions. I disapproved of this, and he then cut off contact with her.Nevertheless, I know I shouldn’t judge him for his past, and we all makemistakes especially in our youth. He agrees that this was a huge mistake, but I should accept him for how he is. Nevertheless, his early marriage makes meuncomfortable, and makes me worrisome for my potential marriage with him. Isthis something I should be concerned about?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Only you can decide whether it's a deal breaker for you, but I think it would help to figure out what about it you are uncomfortable with. Is it a cultural difference you are concerned about, the fact that he made a very bad decision, the fact that he had something special wih his ex before he met you, or somehing else? Then, figure out if the underlying issue is something he has moved past.

 

Getting married at 16 would be a red flag for me as well, but past a certain age, everyone has baggage. That was a long time ago, and seems like a choice which resulted in relatively minor consequences in the grand scheme of things. I wouldnt write him off without trying to get a better understanding of the situation.

[evanescentworld]

Hi there

 

 

I just need some input on how people perceive this. Myboyfriend (who is now 24 years old) got married when he was 16 – yes, 16. Thishappened back home (where you CAN get married at the age of 16). A week afterthe marriage my boyfriend ended up moving to the US. He tried to maintain the long-distancemarriage until his wife also moved to the US – but things weren’t working out.He told me they would go months without speaking to one another, and as the feelingsfaded my boyfriend came to realize that he made a mistake, and she wasn’t the ‘one’after all. 2 years later after struggling with the long distance marriage, hewent back home, and divorced her. Despite their divorce, however, theycontinued to stay in contact. Even after he got into a relationship with me, hetold me that they would message each other on birthdays or other specialoccasions. I disapproved of this, and he then cut off contact with her.Nevertheless, I know I shouldn’t judge him for his past, and we all makemistakes especially in our youth. He agrees that this was a huge mistake, but I should accept him for how he is. Nevertheless, his early marriage makes meuncomfortable, and makes me worrisome for my potential marriage with him. Isthis something I should be concerned about?

 

Yes, you should - but about your insecurity, jealousy and possessiveness.

 

he was a boy, barely really able to think things through logically, (seriously: His brain - and consequently hers too - was under-developed) and goodness knows what actually compelled him to marry, (I can only assume it was a cultural thing, and approved by the families) but it's in the past.

A long way in the past.

 

They were childhood sweethearts, but in spite of efforts to maintain their marriage, they inevitably grew apart, and that is of no surprise.

But they remained friends and kept in touch.

 

My brother still talks to his childhood sweetheart. It was a very serious and intense relationship - at the time! Both her family and ours believed they were destined to marry, but it never happened. They too grew apart emotionally, but they still speak on occasions - and my brother has been married for 14 years, now!

 

He's with you.

He loves you and is dedicated to your relationship.

 

I believe you are worrying unnecessarily, and I think, based solely on what you tell us here, it was unreasonable for you to insist he cut contact with her.

 

They were kids....

Unless there's more to this we are as yet unaware of.... ?

[exesandohs]

I think there are a variety of things that bother me about him doing this. I’m from the same culture as him, though raised in the West (unlike him). The act of marriage is something extremely sacred, something that you aren’t hasty about and something you don’t break off as easily as he did either. He has also told me that he was speaking to other girls at this time, and it was all because he was young, inexperienced, didn’t know what he wanted, wasn’t really into this girl as much as he thought he was etc etc.

 

 

It just makes me wonder what makes me different from this other girl he married? What’s to say he won’t feel the same way about me? On top of that, I saw no reason at all for him to keep ties with his ex-wife if he was in a relationship with me now. This wasn’t an ex-wife he had kids with so why was it necessary to stay in touch with her all this time? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I agree that I have jealousy issues and everything, and I also understand that his marriage was all the way in the past (him staying touch with her wasn’t all the way in the past though) but at what point do you see someone’s past as a reflection of their character?

[kendahke]

I think there are a variety of things that bother me about him doing this. I’m from the same culture as him, though raised in the West (unlike him). The act of marriage is something extremely sacred, something that you aren’t hasty about and something you don’t break off as easily as he did either. He has also told me that he was speaking to other girls at this time, and it was all because he was young, inexperienced, didn’t know what he wanted, wasn’t really into this girl as much as he thought he was etc etc.

 

 

It just makes me wonder what makes me different from this other girl he married? What’s to say he won’t feel the same way about me? On top of that, I saw no reason at all for him to keep ties with his ex-wife if he was in a relationship with me now. This wasn’t an ex-wife he had kids with so why was it necessary to stay in touch with her all this time? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I agree that I have jealousy issues and everything, and I also understand that his marriage was all the way in the past (him staying touch with her wasn’t all the way in the past though) but at what point do you see someone’s past as a reflection of their character?

 

If you have this much anguish going on about him and his past and the fact that he married young, then why deal with him at all?

 

Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the moment before he OK'd it to himself to marry this girl. Nothing. So being jealous, etc., ain't going to do anything but drive up your blood pressure. Find a man who has never made a sacred vow with any other woman ever. This is in this guy's past and nothing is going to erase it. Stop trying to find some way to make him be someone he's not--that's really all you are doing here.

 

If you love him and he's worth your love, then chill out and love him and ACCEPT him. If not, reject him and bounce.

[stillafool]

Did you know that he was married at the age of 16 when you started dating him?

[acrosstheuniverse]

He was 16... he was a child. In the eyes of the law in the UK, he was too young to even drive or vote! I don't mean to be rude about your culture but I'd put the concern/blame firmly on his family. I mean, who encourages their 16 year old child to make a lifelong commitment of marriage? I don't know what culture you're from but I'd be surprised if the majority of marriages make it, or if the majority of marriages that do make it are genuinely happy, or just people kept together out of a sense of social obligation.

 

It doesn't say anything about the strength of feeling towards this girl, he said himself that he wasn't sure about her and the feelings faded. I would see it more in an amused manner like wow, I can't believe this childish teen relationship was made legal, how ridiculous, and move on. I don't think you should have any more jealousy about this than he would about a teen romance of yours.

 

Assumedly if he's older, then he knows what he wants in life more now, so don't question the strength of his feelings towards you. It's crazy to think that something he did when he was 16 like this says anything about his capacity of commitment. I don't feel there's anything particularly wrong with you not wanting him to speak to his ex-wife (yeah, that doesn't even sound right haha), given that they don't share any children, if it makes you uncomfortable you are right to tell him, and then it's his choice whether or not to accommodate that, or refute on the basis of him thinking that it's unreasonable. Sounds like without you in the picture he'd have been happy enough to keep in touch with her, possibly for old time's sake, but I'm sure that your relationship is more meaningful to him than the one with his ex was.

 

If you can't square it with yourself, however, you're gonna need to move on to someone who has never been married. Like it or not, it happened, and nobody can change the past. It's not something he can reverse and if he's stopped communicating with her and he's legally divorced then that's all he can do. If you can't get past this then you need to leave him for both of your sanities. He's told you it was a huge mistake. Isn't that enough?

[evanescentworld]

I think there are a variety of things that bother me about him doing this. I’m from the same culture as him, though raised in the West (unlike him). The act of marriage is something extremely sacred, something that you aren’t hasty about and something you don’t break off as easily as he did either.

 

he didn't 'break off easily', you said -

...2 years later after struggling with the long distance marriage,

Doesn't sound like he threw it away lightly and in a cavalier manner....

 

He has also told me that he was speaking to other girls at this time, and it was all because he was young, inexperienced, didn’t know what he wanted, wasn’t really into this girl as much as he thought he was etc etc.

Well, of course!! he was 16, with raging hormones! Goodness knows what all the parents were thinking!!

 

 

It just makes me wonder what makes me different from this other girl he married?

He's 8 years older, that's what! I think he probably has a handle better on his feelings, and the hormones have settled down...

 

What’s to say he won’t feel the same way about me?

He will never feel the same way about you, in either good ways or bad, because you're totally different, both much older and in any case, you will have the same things to think about as any other couple would: Communicate and trust him!

 

On top of that, I saw no reason at all for him to keep ties with his ex-wife if he was in a relationship with me now.

Oh for goodness' sake, how insecure are you? They were teenagers! Just children! Friends! Not threat at all!

 

This wasn’t an ex-wife he had kids with so why was it necessary to stay in touch with her all this time? It just doesn’t make sense to me.

Just because it doesn't make sense to you, doesn't make it wrong.

I'm sorry but you have some cheek being so demanding of his atention that you rohibit him form being her friend! I'm sure there's nothing in it...! And I'm sure he's told you that too!

 

I agree that I have jealousy issues and everything, and I also understand that his marriage was all the way in the past

 

THis is your problem, not his, and is for you to deal with, because once you do, all these questions and concerns will be utterly irrelevant.

 

(him staying touch with her wasn’t all the way in the past though)

yeah... so? Did you read what I put bout my brother? What's the problem, exactly...?

 

but at what point do you see someone’s past as a reflection of their character?

Quit harping back to his past.

He was a child then, he's a man now.

 

Now that he's old enough, mature enough and responsible enough to make his own decisions without familial or cultural influence.

 

Like, now, for example.

[preraph]

I think your secondary concerns are more important than the fact of him staying in loose contact with her. Did he have a kid with her? Be sure to find that out. He was far too young to be marrying, and whether it was all him or his parents' idea, who knows, but he rectified the situation. That doesn't mean he hates the girl or should cut her off as long as she's not manipulating trying to get back with him, and I doubt that. She probably is glad to be free again.

[devilish innocent]

I see a huge difference between being 16 and being 24. Nobody can expect a 16 year old kid to really understand the commitment of marriage. If at 24 he still didn't understand the seriousness of what he'd done, then I'd be worried. That doesn't seem to be case though.

 

As far as his contacting her, it was just occasional messages. There was anything going on between them. He stopped when he told you it bothered him. It's not anything you should be worrying about.

[exesandohs]

Yes, in fact, he told me about his marriage the first day we became official – so I had the option to leave before I became emotionally invested if this was something I didn’t approve of. Surprisingly though, at the time, I didn’t even think about it much and it seemed like a non-issue, and we barely discussed it.

 

 

However, over time as I did continue to get more emotionally involved, his past marriage suddenly became a problem – which I couldn’t seem to understand myself either (Why would I be okay with it the first time he told me, but can’t seem to get over it a year later?). In regards to the marriage and how it happened, well – the family discouraged it, he wasn’t pressurized at all. He was the one who insisted on getting the marriage done – despite his mother’s (single mom) efforts to stop it. He says he was just in love with the idea of love at the time and made a hasty decision and he began to realize his mistake as soon as the feelings subsided. He thought it would be better to end if before they were children involved and so he made that decision. I guess what I found problematic was that HE chose to do this himself – not as a result of cultural/family influence; knowing the stigma that people of our culture place on someone who has already been married.

 

 

After reading all the comments on here though, I now realize how foolish I was for fighting over this issue with him for such a lengthy period. My entire perception of him, and his past, is merely all a result of my own insecurities, retroactive jealousy and narrow-mind. I guess the main issue with me was feeling like I wasn’t his first, and having to live with knowing that if I do pursue marriage with him as well. Perhaps I was just looking for an excuse to make him seem like the bad guy in the entire situation to feel better about myself.

 

 

Thank you to acrosstheuniverse and evanescentworld for making me realize how distorted my mind is, and how the biggest issue on hand here is me and not him. I would have driven himself and myself insane if it wasn't for all the help on here!

[evanescentworld]

I think that's a big and brave step for you to take, and realisation is something that can hit us hard, but I'm glad you found it helpful.

 

One of the worst things from my own personal PoV, is when people write threads asking for help, then they continually justify their behaviour and refuse to follow the opinions of others, who are in the main, universal in their contrast and conflict with the OP's own comments....

 

I hope you can resolve this in your mind, and just focus - with him - on ensuring you communicate effectively, respect one another and establish and build on the base of trust you have now, productively.

 

best of luck and well done, again....

[GoBlue]

I don't know why exactly this makes you so uncomfortable. I am pretty sure there is something you did at 16 you aren't necessarily proud of. Besides, this seems to be a normal part of the culture where he came from. This is not something, however, that can go unresolved if you actually are considering marriage with him. Counseling is always a good idea for couples who are considering engagement. I imagine it could benefit both of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.