Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I've always believed in second or third chances. If there is no chemistry the first date you wait for a second and perhaps it doesn't hit you until the third. I dated this guy for four months. I know i didn't like him, but I kept dating him in the hope that my feelings would change. After all, he seemed to know more about dating than I did, he was married before after all. And he LOVED the fact that I had been single for a long, long time. It was a bit of a draw card although he was shocked at first, he didn't like woman who had been with many boyfriends/partners. I kind of kept dating him in the end because every time things got busy at college i would have to bail and reschedule and I felt bad if I had to bail and he would complain about me being always too busy with college to focus on him and our " dating relationship". I felt like he kept encroaching on boundaries and he would keep making me feel quite uncomfortable. I kept hoping that my feelings would change and that perhaps it would lead to something permanent and serious,but I kept feeling sick in my stomach when I was with him and I would always blame myself and think " not experienced enough, this is just because I'm not use to being in a relationship...blah blah" In the end, I couldn't take it anymore, he would make me feel really uncomfortable and he would turn up at my house with out texting or calling usually saying he had come to distract me from my work. I ended it with him , even though he wouldn't leave me alone for a few months. Finally he got the message because I wouldn't respond back to his calls or text messages. I went out on date with a totally different guy. I was tired and not into it. The guy was boring but he wanted a second date. I keep thinking " you know, your feelings could change after date two or three keep going" but I just didn't feel into it and the two of us were completely different. How much chemistry is required for a first date? Can your feelings change once you get to know someone or was it me who was " too tired' to really get into it? suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Unless you're dating a circus clown or a stand up comedian, you can't expect a fantastic first date when you turn up tired and uninterested. Some people have very diverse interests and a personality which covers a lot of ground. With these people, it can take a few dates to find the parts where you match. With other people, their personality and interests form a more distinctive 'type', and chemistry is either there from the offset or never will be. Which are you? Which is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 If I'm not the least bit excited after the first date i wouldn't bother with a 2nd. But if i see some potential and am interested i will give it a few dates. I would never drag it out to wait for my feelings to change, as I've been on the receiving end of that, it sux. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katinlc Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 My first date with my fiancé was that way. I was overwhelmed with work, tired of the whole online dating thing and didn't want to go. I didn't cancel and the date was fine, but I wasn't wowed, because I wasn't into it and didn't want to be there. Luckily, for me I gave it a second date because we had a lot in common and I saw how on paper we were pretty perfect for each other. It was about the third date when I realized there was something there and our fourth date was an all day trip to see a Garth Brooks concert and that's when I really realized the potential and it was all over after our fifth date - I was pretty sure he was the one. He said he knew after the second date there was something different about me. So I do think the chemistry or fireworks may not be there on the first date due to outside circumstances like it was for me, but still end of being there later. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fluidian Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 If there are major problems with the person (i.e. something that you could never live with) - I wouldn't bother with a second date. If there are a lot of things to like about him, nothing really but, but just the chemistry wasn't amazing on the first meeting, giving it a second try isn't a bad thing...what's the worst that can happen? If it's not good on the second date (or not improving), maybe nix a third date, but I find that the second date can be totally different than the first in terms of chemistry - nerves, etc., can more easily dominate the first meeting, whereas the second date may frequently be a lot more comfortable. At least those were my experiences last time I was on the dating circuit... Link to post Share on other sites
Eighty_nine Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 My first date with my fiancé was that way. I was overwhelmed with work, tired of the whole online dating thing and didn't want to go. I didn't cancel and the date was fine, but I wasn't wowed, because I wasn't into it and didn't want to be there. Luckily, for me I gave it a second date because we had a lot in common and I saw how on paper we were pretty perfect for each other. It was about the third date when I realized there was something there and our fourth date was an all day trip to see a Garth Brooks concert and that's when I really realized the potential and it was all over after our fifth date - I was pretty sure he was the one. He said he knew after the second date there was something different about me. So I do think the chemistry or fireworks may not be there on the first date due to outside circumstances like it was for me, but still end of being there later. I can relate. When I met my boyfriend for the first time I was tired from a super busy weekend and soooo totally over the online dating thing. I had been disappointed so many times that I no longer cared/had any expectations about dates. Our first date was good, not great, and same with the next two. But by the third I felt some sort of 'natural' connection between us. I'd say it was the 6th time we hung out that I realized how much I liked him and what potential was there. It's 3.5 months in and he just told me he loved me Instant chemistry is overrated, but some connection is important. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 If I'm not the least bit excited after the first date i wouldn't bother with a 2nd. But if i see some potential and am interested i will give it a few dates. I would never drag it out to wait for my feelings to change, as I've been on the receiving end of that, it sux. Same here. I don't need fireworks but I do need enough to be there where I want to know more, if that desire to know more doesn't exist then I won't give it a 2nd or 3rd chance. With all my boyfriends our first dates were great and I immediately wanted to know more and we saw each other frequently after that, so IME that's what I associate with a good date and relationship potential. It's pretty organic and we just get on well from jump. If I have to use a magnifying glass to find where we gel and have to really force it and keep saying "Well maybe on the 3rd date, maybe on the 9th date things will be better...." then absolutely not esp because I know there are men I can get on with where I don't have to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I don't need to be hit by lightning during a first date but I need attraction and interest toward the gentleman. I won't force myself to go on dates with a man I don't feel attraction or interest for just because he's a good candidate on paper and maybe some feelings will develop. It does not. You need a base to work on. If attraction and interest have not grown within 3 dates I let go. I would never date a man as long as you did without feeling it. It's misleading him. See how he grew feelings for you during those months of dating? You don't want to do that to men you date. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 I think once you've dated consistently over the years ( I have over the past five) you get pretty good at first dates. You meet up, you ask questions etc... you get use to the format. The shock is when you get asked for a second date. If I never get asked out for a second, I don't sweat it. It's something I don't think about, but when I do, I get a bit worried. That's why the whole dating thing can be a bit draining and a bit exhausting. I was so tired on that date seriously. Coming into grab a coffee and to sit down and ask questions to a complete stranger after a long day of work was a bit of a struggle. I think I could go on a second date with him but I think it's because he's interested in me? is this a bad reason to go on a second date with someone? Perhaps I'm curious? Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 The first date? I know in the just the first 15 minutes whether I want to see the person again. If there's no chemistry or attraction on the first date, if you're not at least a bit curious about what makes the person sitting across from you tick, why bother forcing things by going on a second date? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 The first date? I know in the just the first 15 minutes whether I want to see the person again. If there's no chemistry or attraction on the first date, if you're not at least a bit curious about what makes the person sitting across from you tick, why bother forcing things by going on a second date? Because I'm interested in him being interested in me. And If he likes me, I see nothing wrong with going on another date with him. You usually know by date three. The only thing I've done ( I don't regret it though, it was all good practice) is pro longing the date past date three because by this stage you feel YOU owe HIM something because he takes you out and wants to get to know you. I won't do this again. But I will go out with him a second date. The only thing is that he's already talking about getting serious after a first date and without nailing a second which is a bit unusual. But I guess some people like to move fast. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Here is my post of a first date where I wasn't feeling it. Got engaged a year later and have just recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary. (I'm 50 years old, BTW) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I agree with Gaeta's point of view. You have to be honest with yourself. But I also think you should give it more than one because one date is not enough and the person could be nervous so you won't really get to know them. That's why the whole dating thing can be a bit draining and a bit exhausting. I was so tired on that date seriously. Coming into grab a coffee and to sit down and ask questions to a complete stranger after a long day of work was a bit of a struggle. I know what you mean. It feels emotionally draining. I also find it a bit draining because of doing my hair and make-up and dressing extra nice in order to make a good impression. Then you also put some thought into the person and what you might ask them etc. My solution to this burnout is to go on fewer dates. If there's some reason I'm not really feeling it during our email exchange, I won't go on the date. If I'm sufficiently curious and he has some of the character and interests I value long term, I always go on the date. I think I could go on a second date with him but I think it's because he's interested in me? is this a bad reason to go on a second date with someone? Perhaps I'm curious? There's nothing wrong with having a second date. No one should be invested much at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I always give second and third chances...if dates have been less than interesting....i dont give chances for gropers and octopus limbs to me i know what they want and it isnt happening....... i dont feel that attraction for guys i dont know well anyway from the start...i have mainly dated from my friend zone.....because one i know they have a certain amount of respect for me and wont grope me from date one.......mainly all my relationships have been built on growing attraction....they become appealing more as i get to know them......normally when i agree to date i have already felt something other than friendship so i do give chances for that to grow...i dont lead guys on......and i dont go backwards and redate guys i said no to..or have dropped....... from date one i know theres something there.......and i let it build ......when i have gone on dates where i didnt know the guy and there was nothing felt by me.... ...i find gropers....and i am sick of fish...last thing i want on a date is groper.....so i have decided to stick to tried and true....which is not date at5 all ...unless i know them ...and unless i feel that "theres something there" for them...that way i dont lead anyone on.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Here is my post of a first date where I wasn't feeling it. Got engaged a year later and have just recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary. (I'm 50 years old, BTW) Well that's nice. It worked for you. You couldn't find that instant chemistry with any men who were a good match for you. You are highly intelligent though, and what YOU seek in a partner is frankly, more than someone like I would seek since I am not as much of a geek or an avid reader as you are...It also works for many women when they hold out for a spark and intense chemistry that is natural, and doesn't even have to be "built" over months. Most women want to be excited about their date and they want to feel butterflies and all the fun stuff they have felt for OTHER men before. However, I have to digress - a woman has to be attractive enough to realistically hold out for the fire works - if you are not an attractive enough woman, then you are going to have to wait an awfully long time in order to find "that guy" who felt fireworks and sparks upon first meeting you.People who don't find other people that are instantly attracted to them - are less likely to meet someone where sparks will fly instantly. The couple I know who felt hot chemistry instantly are both attractive - she is a 9/10 in her face, and he is a solid 7. Most people have to get to know one another before ANY sort of chemistry occurs - that is the way of life for the majority. If you are cute or attractive to a decent amount for the fireworks to be a realistic prospect - go for it, I say. If that is how you want your relationship to start and what you want to "feel" and "experience". I don't see anything wrong with either method of dating, personally. I have to say though, I prefer plenty of natural chemistry from the get go - in my experience, the sex has always been much more passionate and I tend to have stronger "feelings" about the men I have intense chemistry with - then I ever did the men who I dated where I bypassed the chemistry part simply because they were "good people" who adored me... The ' good guys' I dated and had sex with.. the sex life never felt as explosive as it was with the men I had fireworks with. Sex is very important to me and I would rather be single and have short lived romances with the men I enjoy sex the most with, than have to be tied down to a man I feel MEH about in the bedroom....Personally, if I had to settle down and be monogamous to a man I had low or mediocre chemistry with, I would want to leave him if I DID go on to meet a man who I had the fireworks with - and if he felt it mutually- and if he seemed to really like me for a number of months and it seemed legit.. I think there is a risk of cheating and infidelity when a man or a woman marries a person for their personality only - when the sex isn't as good as it was with prior partners. I have met so many people who didn't feel much of the "spark" or any "it factor" with their partners - they cheated when they found a person who really got their hearts racing (and seemed like a good match, of course). It didn't always last ^^^^^ with the new partner who gave them wobbly knees... but they always felt something was missing from their ex's, they felt hard done by that they never really got to experience the honeymoon period, or the week at the knees, excitable feeling a partner who you are infatuated with, gives you. Be realistic, and think carefully. It sounds like the OP is happy to date men she has no chemistry with in order to give it a chance. Carrie T is very happily married and she adopted that approach so clearly this has a higher success rate than holding out for strong mutual attraction, garners... Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 "Be realistic, and think carefully." Aaaahhh.....the irony. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 "Be realistic, and think carefully." Aaaahhh.....the irony. How is it ironic to be realistic and yet think carefully? Some women realistically know that if they want a family - they cannot afford to hold out for some fireworks or intense chemistry! However, one does have to be CAREFUL in the decision (to give people second and third dates when they KNOW there will never be intense chemistry) Some women, like myself, will always feel that something is "missing" without that intense chemistry and we are likely to break the guys hearts years down the road when we think " the heck, we only live once, the explosive sex and passion is what I want MORE than the stability or a loving relationship that lacks the sizzle in the bedroom that we have had with PRIOR partners..." I would rather not see a bevy of heartbroken men and women - due to their partners settling for less than what they truly yearn for.... and then leaving these perfectly wonderful people because they never wanted to settle for less than butterflies. So yah, you DO have to think carefully when giving second and third dates to those who you KNOW you will never have intense chemistry with - you have to think VERY carefully as to whether or not you CAN accept a life without the explosive sex and passion. Most people don't need intense chemistry - and that is good. It isn't realistic for a lot of people to seek that sort of thing out anyway due to their biological clock and the fact that not many people feel strong attraction towards them. Some women like myself would secretly feel that something is missing if we gave those low chemistry guys a second, third and fourth date. Better to know yourself well enough to consequently avoid breaking a guys heart years down the track after you may have kids together! Intense chemistry NEVER grows if it is not there to begin with - mediocre chemistry will result, at best, which most people are perfectly happy with. Not me, however, and so I think " carefully" and avoid breaking their hearts. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I think there needs to be at least a minimal foundation of chemistry on the first date, to pave the way for a second. For me that doesn't have to do with conversation flow, sense of humor, or anything like that... that's the stuff that can blossom over time. But you should look at the person honestly and assess: "Can I imagine kissing them?" If the answer is just a firm NO, then don't consider a second date. If the answer is "Ehh, maybe," it's probably worth another try. Link to post Share on other sites
lovexocoach Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Instead of "I didn't feel any fireworks or butterflies when I met him" and moving on, I advise women to find at least one thing that they liked about a guy they met. Did you laugh with him? Did you have fun with him? Did he intrigue you in any way? Was he nice? If one of those apply, then I advise to go on at least two more dates with him. Then decide if you want to see him again. The fireworks/butterflies - the "I want to have babies with you" - reaction is pure lust. And that doesn't mean there is compatibility. Ultimately, there has to be physical attraction as well as compatibility to make a relationship work. But keep in mind that attraction can grow in time. You can see someone through different eyes, so to speak, as you get to know them and fall in love. Some people don't even like each other when they meet and they end up getting married and being happy. Link to post Share on other sites
4everloveu Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 After the 1st date he kiss on my cheek and we said bye. Not sure if it There will be a 2nd date. Is it normal and usually for the guy to hug and kiss you after drop you off. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I definitely always give it time for any chemistry to develop. I could never cut the cord so quick without knowing... I'd likely regret it! Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I am not sure how much "chemistry" is required for a first date, but I am almost certain that it shouldn't involve this ever: "I kept feeling sick in my stomach when I was with him." I have never gone on a date unless there was some kind of attraction, spark, chemistry, or whatever you want to call it right from the get go. Dating is not an "experience" game it is the process by which you determine whether this is a relationship that can turn into love. The end result, in my own mind, should be marriage. Those are my thoughts on the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 My new attitude has been...the purpose of a first date is to see if you want a second date, be authentic...it is not a job interview Link to post Share on other sites
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