Parents interfering with otherwise good relationship

[Miu]

My boyfriend (27) and I (20) have been dating for a year and things are getting serious, him in a well paying full time job and me about to begin a well paying full time position. We are deeply in love with each other and have spoken about marriage and starting a family together. However we have hit a stumbling block. 6 months ago we ran into his parents who do not know of my existence.

 

His parents are delusional (therapist confirmed) and refuse treatment. As a result they are suspicious of anyone including the police, ambulance, doctors and believe they are being controlled by the mafia - and causing them problems with their lives. They believe the only way this will stop is when the corrupt policeman shows their daughter to my boyfriend and she will marry into the family. Therefore any girl he sees including me poses as a hindrance.

 

My boyfriend knows they are crazy and cannot appease them or talk to them under normal circumstances, only when he makes them think he is in on their delusion. He still lives at home since his parents are delusional and think he will be under attack if he is not under their guard. His parents are controlling in this manner and also in a way that he gives them 80% of his income so they can invest in property. If he refuses they threaten to disown him and kick him out. He is an only son in a Chinese family and feels as though he has no other choice.

 

Here's the problem - he can't bear to drag me through his baggage because he loves me too much. But I believe that this is partially my choice and I want to be with him. He is not my first boyfriend and the connection that we have is better than what I have with my childhood friends. He loves me dearly but wants to breakup to save me from this. I told him I want to stay with him and to let me decide when it is too much. I have always told him I would be there for him and always stuck by him.

 

What should I do or say to make him see from my perspective? Or to make him stay and try and change the circumstances?

[amaysngrace]

He's lying to you. There's no way that both of his parents would believe the very same story, especially one that's as far fetched as that one is.

 

He's too old to be living with his parents and if what he says is true then I wouldn't be having children with him. Insanity skips a generation.

 

But my instinct tells me that he's a compulsive liar. So when he tells you that he loves you that's probably just a lie too.

[Miu]

He's lying to you. There's no way that both of his parents would believe the very same story, especially one that's as far fetched as that one is.

 

He's too old to be living with his parents and if what he says is true then I wouldn't be having children with him. Insanity skips a generation.

 

But my instinct tells me that he's a compulsive liar. So when he tells you that he loves you that's probably just a lie too.

 

I've heard the conversations he has with both his parents on the phone and I know he's not lying. I do not question at all whether he is telling the truth

[amaysngrace]

I've heard the conversations he has with both his parents on the phone and I know he's not lying. I do not question at all whether he is telling the truth

 

Fine believe that he is honest. But please don't want to have children with him. They'll be crazy little mofos.

[Ebelskiver]

I know in Chinese culture it can be very hard to get away from your parents and choose your own life. If he's not willing to, that's his choice, but I don't think you should stick around waiting for him. This is some seriously messed up stuff and will only drag him, and you, down.

 

If he were to move out, them maybe it could work. But not while he is with them. Has he discussed their condition with a social worker? Can they care for themselves without him? How can they manage property with these delusions?

[Miu]

I know in Chinese culture it can be very hard to get away from your parents and choose your own life. If he's not willing to, that's his choice, but I don't think you should stick around waiting for him. This is some seriously messed up stuff and will only drag him, and you, down.

 

If he were to move out, them maybe it could work. But not while he is with them. Has he discussed their condition with a social worker? Can they care for themselves without him? How can they manage property with these delusions?

 

His parents are capable of taking care of themselves- they are just socially reclusive... If it got to the point where they were unable to - that would be the point where they would have no choice but to receive help. The last time they received help they believed the psychologist was being controlled by corrupt police and his dad began to abuse the hospital workers..

 

They can barely manage their finances since they've stretched themselves to the brim with mortgage repayments for their properties- but they are still capable adults in the sense of day to day living. They just don't trust anyone and believe all bad things that happen to them are because of the corrupt cops

[Miu]

I know in Chinese culture it can be very hard to get away from your parents and choose your own life. If he's not willing to, that's his choice, but I don't think you should stick around waiting for him. This is some seriously messed up stuff and will only drag him, and you, down.

 

If he were to move out, them maybe it could work. But not while he is with them. Has he discussed their condition with a social worker? Can they care for themselves without him? How can they manage property with these delusions?

 

His parents are capable of taking care of themselves- they are just socially reclusive... If it got to the point where they were unable to - that would be the point where they would have no choice but to receive help. The last time they received help they believed the psychologist was being controlled by corrupt police and his dad began to abuse the hospital workers..

 

They can barely manage their finances since they've stretched themselves to the brim with mortgage repayments for their properties- but they are still capable adults in the sense of day to day living. They just don't trust anyone and believe all bad things that happen to them are because of the corrupt cops

[kendahke]

My boyfriend (27) and I (20) have been dating for a year and things are getting serious, him in a well paying full time job and me about to begin a well paying full time position. We are deeply in love with each other and have spoken about marriage and starting a family together. However we have hit a stumbling block. 6 months ago we ran into his parents who do not know of my existence.

 

His parents are delusional (therapist confirmed) and refuse treatment. As a result they are suspicious of anyone including the police, ambulance, doctors and believe they are being controlled by the mafia - and causing them problems with their lives. They believe the only way this will stop is when the corrupt policeman shows their daughter to my boyfriend and she will marry into the family. Therefore any girl he sees including me poses as a hindrance.

 

My boyfriend knows they are crazy and cannot appease them or talk to them under normal circumstances, only when he makes them think he is in on their delusion. He still lives at home since his parents are delusional and think he will be under attack if he is not under their guard. His parents are controlling in this manner and also in a way that he gives them 80% of his income so they can invest in property. If he refuses they threaten to disown him and kick him out. He is an only son in a Chinese family and feels as though he has no other choice.

 

Here's the problem - he can't bear to drag me through his baggage because he loves me too much. But I believe that this is partially my choice and I want to be with him. He is not my first boyfriend and the connection that we have is better than what I have with my childhood friends. He loves me dearly but wants to breakup to save me from this. I told him I want to stay with him and to let me decide when it is too much. I have always told him I would be there for him and always stuck by him.

 

What should I do or say to make him see from my perspective? Or to make him stay and try and change the circumstances?

 

Are you Chinese too? I'm assuming you live in the states, here.

 

How long have his parents lived where they are? Did the emigrate or were they born where they live?

 

You are aware that in Chinese culture, the son is tied to his parents more than a daughter would be. Whoever he would marry would end up taking care of his parents--that is their culture despite where they might live.

Edited January 26, 2015 by kendahke

[Miu]

Are you Chinese too? I'm assuming you live in the states, here.

 

How long have his parents lived where they are? Did the emigrate or were they born where they live?

 

You are aware that in Chinese culture, the son is tied to his parents more than a daughter would be. Whoever he would marry would end up taking care of his parents--that is their culture despite where they might live.

 

Yes I am Chinese, and like my parents his parents are immigants, so the nature of 'taking care' of his parents is understandable as I would be required to do so also.

 

I want him to be able to see it from my point of view that we should try our best to work it out together or at least learn to manage this together... Even if there are no guarantees whether or not it will work out, that's what sacrifice and love is about.