strawbanana Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hey so first post! So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. I'm going to be done with college in about a year or so, and my boyfriend, who lives 500 miles away and has a decent job, decided he needs to switch to a better job. I thought he was going to stay in the area but then he told me that he is also looking for jobs in the other area... Some are closer to my place, but some are on the other side of the country. Right now we are seeing each other around once a month, and that's as frequent as we could make it happen due to our busy schedules. He has been talking about changing jobs for awhile, but due to the nature of his job it's super easy and probably the best for him to look for job at where he's at right now... Now he's talking about moving some where else and doesn't seems like he's gonna talk with me about that He told me he'd narrowed down to a list but he hasn't told me any specifics yet and I'm kinda upset about that. However, I'm also upset about me being upset (sorry for this confusing sentence). We used to be in the same city and then I moved away to go to a better college. He was very supportive about that and was helpful. And now I feel like a jerk because I'd probably be upset if he's moving further away. That way we probably can't even see each other once a month. And his actions also confuses me. He asked me to meet his family and made me his +1 in his best friend's wedding(which is actually in next year). He brought me to company functions and friends gatherings. And when we get to hang out, he just doesn't look at his phone at all and choose not to go to parties with his bros(3 weeks in christmas, I was actually impressed .) But when we have to make plans meeting up it seems like I'm always the one bringing it up. I know that he's kinda a last minute person, but I'd told him I would appreciate it if we could make arrangements earlier, and nothing changes. I think I had accepted that as who he is, but when he told me he doesn't have the slightest idea where he is moving to I was really upset and he said that we would discuss that today on phone but that didn't came up on our phone call. So I don't know what to feel. It seems like sometimes I'm so important to him but sometimes I'm not. He always tell me how special to him and how he really like me, but he haven't told me he love me. Also when we are spending time together at the same place I always feel I'm lucky to have him, but when we are apart not so much. Is that really just who he is, or am I just not that important to him ? Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) After a year this would really bother me too. You would think that he'd want to discuss big life-changing decisions with you to at least make sure you're on the same page, given that it's going to affect you as well as him. The last minute thing would also bug me. Life doesn't work that way once you get out into the real world. Plans need to be made in advance most of the time, especially plans such as seeing each other long distance, or other stuff gets booked in and there's no time, travel is more expensive, and so forth. I wouldn't tolerate somebody only making last minute plans with me, I like to know when I'm free so I can see friends, volunteer etc. so he'd never end up seeing me if he tried to wait until last minute. Comes across like someone not really respecting your time that much. I see that you tried to discuss him making more plans and he hasn't changed. It's no fun when one person is doing all of the work and they end up feeling like the other person doesn't care whether they see them or not. Sorry to say but, I've always felt that actions are more important than words. It's easy to say he loves you, he cares about you, he wants to be with you, but words are cheap. They give you a short term buzz when you hear them, some relief that the person is interested after all. But they're essentially meaningless. Actions count. If he isn't trying to arrange meeting up to see you, then seeing you isn't at the forefront of his mind, and if he isn't including you in major decisions like where to live, then he doesn't really see you being all that important in the foreseeable future either. Only you can decide whether or not you're willing to settle for this, when it makes you miserable some of the time. I had a boyfriend like this for four years, and I always felt the happiness was punctuated by feeling quite unimportant and worthless. It's been such a relief to split up and date other people who prioritise the relationship and are eager to be around me as much as possible. I realised that relationships don't have to be that way, and some people just aren't compatible. You see him once a month as it is, and in the future that looks to be decreasing. Are there any plans to move to the same city after college and live together? If not, it seems like a whole load of effort for very little return. Edited January 25, 2015 by acrosstheuniverse Link to post Share on other sites
StrongLass Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Sounds like he's putting his professional aspirations ahead of whatever you two have to me. Don't place all your eggs in one basket when it comes to this guy UNLESS he makes it a priority to move somewhere that makes a more 'normal' relationship w/ you possible. You two should really talk about where your relationship is headed. Don't let the topic get sidetracked till you know where you stand! Also, listen to acrosstheuniverse ^ she's way more eloquent than myself at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 In my personal opinion based on my own LDR, if after a year you two haven't set an EXACT end date and place to close the distance, then you are just wasting your time, and it will inevitably fail. The fact that he is finally deciding to move but isn't doing so to close the distance is particularly concerning. Where do you want to go after school? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strawbanana Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hey, So my plan was actually going to grad school, and he knows that before we started dating. And I'll go wherever I get in so... Honestly I don't know yet. But one of the schools I'm applying to (which is also my top choice) is 15 minutes from where he is living now. And we both agree that we should focus on career-wise for now, but if I will have to move again (which I will in a year or so), I will definitely talk with him about that. I think right now I'm just not going to bring up when to meet next and if we didn't mention it, we are done. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 He's not counting on you being in his future. He's not allowing whatever connection with you to hold him back from taking his best job offer -- and that's smart. You didn't let him hold you back from college. With you two separated the chances are best that you'll each meet someone else. With men, it's often out of sight, out of mind. Be sure you Skype him regularly to keep him visually stimulated about you. But you both need to follow your school and career paths and it's just too early in your lives to be trying to settle down with each other. The best thing to do is keep focused on your life and don't turn down any dates, as I'm sure he isn't and you can stay in touch and see where you both are when the dust settles. He may be in Hong Kong, for all you know. You could go across country to take a job in your field. Stay focused on your path. Either your bond is strong enough to weather time and distance or it isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author strawbanana Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 He's not counting on you being in his future. He's not allowing whatever connection with you to hold him back from taking his best job offer -- and that's smart. You didn't let him hold you back from college. With you two separated the chances are best that you'll each meet someone else. With men, it's often out of sight, out of mind. Be sure you Skype him regularly to keep him visually stimulated about you. But you both need to follow your school and career paths and it's just too early in your lives to be trying to settle down with each other. The best thing to do is keep focused on your life and don't turn down any dates, as I'm sure he isn't and you can stay in touch and see where you both are when the dust settles. He may be in Hong Kong, for all you know. You could go across country to take a job in your field. Stay focused on your path. Either your bond is strong enough to weather time and distance or it isn't. His job isn't really a good career fit for him and every time he goes home from work he's mentally exhausted and won't even want to eat. I don't see him going out a lot (or sometimes I feel like not at all...) and we skype twice a week and he's always in his apartment. But I agree with you it's still not time to settle for people and should focus on what we are doing now! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts