I needs some space- but I'm not cooling it off

[MrS-C]

Hello everyone,

Any help would be appreciated.

 

I'm 29 and my better half is 23. We have been a item for around 6 months and have had no previous issues. I work away Monday to Thurs and she works shifts we usually spend thus night, Fri night, sat aft, sat night and Sunday and Sunday night together.... I'll break this down with a date by date account as it will probably be easier:

 

17/1- everything sound chilled out on sofa, having a laugh videoing me singing in shower watching take me out putting Facebook posts about us etc.

 

18/1- got up to do horse she's a bit off, Potter all day. Towards end of day she says she's not staying over as she starts nights on Mondays. She is really off... Ask her if eventing is OK with us as it's mainly directed at me... She answers yes.

 

19/1-chat on phone on my commute in morn... Says she needs to see her friends more and he's seeing her friend on Sat (I have zero issues with this) ... Little hostile on the phone as I took offence to her trying to blame me for her not seeing her friends... I'm not her boss she can do what she wants as long as there is a little time for me!

 

Spoke to her on the evening, still moody! Said to her in ask one last time is everything OK.. She said yes.

 

20/1- spoke a bit in the morn, got **** answers out of her... Could be because she's tired after night shift. Text and called in eve before she went in still off.

 

On her shift she sent this:

 

Sorry for lately I'm just finding it difficult to try and see you as we do thur to sun and keep myself and friends happy. I'm trying to keep you as happy as I can putting myself last.

 

It's getting too much for me as I sometimes like and need my own company. It's difficult you work away and I work weekends and it needs to stop that I'm always at yours/with you thur to sunday. I know none of this is your fault (I'm not blaming you) and you are trying to come home and I'm trying to move jobs so I don't work weekends. It's just the way it is at the moment.

I just think it's best that we get out of the routine. I'm

Not trying to cool it off or whatever you may think I know it's what is best for me. I'm not using my own company as a excuse either I do enjoy it. If not ask my mum xxx

I have worked more hours than this and still be ok. All I'm saying is one night after work id like to just go home and have a bath after 8 ish and chill out by myself. Like if I've worked a friday and I know your at training sat, id stay at mine cause may only finish at 1030 and home for 11 where as if I was to come yours I wouldn't get to bed till 11 ish.

 

May only be a hour but thats what I need. No usually i see mates and family mon to thur at night but this job I can't xxx

 

Anyway I sent a nice reply saying fair enough etc etc. Went to sleep as it was 1am

 

21/1- Text morning... Her reply was crap with no kiss etc. Tell her I have an interview in for a job closer to home... She says she don't want me moving back for her.

 

22/1-she text me in the morning, I replied by them left her alone. Called her on drive home and she said she was going for tea with her mate, I was positive about this as I do want her to see her friends... However she was still off!

 

23/1- she's off night shifts... Text her in morn... Took till afternoon to reply. Thought I would send a nice message as she's probs stressed... Sent this:

 

Hi chicken, hope ur enjoying your day of R&R. I was reflecting on the drive back up and I think you may be rite that spending thur-sun together every weekend may be a bit to much. I was kind of just going with the flow and it seemed to be what you wanted too so I was happy to roll with it. I do appreciate all the time you have spend with me as I realise you must have given up some things. I do love you and I hope you love me however I realise you need this time to yourself that you haven't had over the last few months so you can spend time with friends or just chill out. X

 

Got a three word reply hrs later.

 

She went to work at her second job in the eve and we text a little when she got in... I went skiing lol.

 

Today-text her good morning and hope she had a nice day.. She replied them I left her to it. She was going to see her friend during the day.

 

I called her before as she had previously mentioned coming over or doing something... She said she's seen a different set of mates... I said good on u etc even tho I was gutted.

 

I asked her plans for tomorrow to see if she was free to meet up... She said she's unsure.

 

I attempted to discuss the situation with her as it upsetting me. I asked her if we are OK and she said again yeah I just need some space. I said u need to see it from my point of view as I'm panicking as this is out of character, she said not to worry as she just needs some space... I said I realise this but I need some reassurances as im concerned. I asked her if she wanted me to stop texting etc and she said she was unsure I left it at that and said goodbye and to enjoy her evening.

 

.... And that's where I'm at!

 

I know she needs space to do what she wants etc but I feel I'm getting totally cut off.. If I don't see here tomorrow it will have been nearly 2 weeks since I have seen her. She doesn't say I love u on the phone or in messages anymore and I'm scared I'm looking her

 

Anyone got any advice please x

 

Ps apologies for spelling etc im on my phone lol

[Gaeta]

You sound like a great guy and a wonderful boyfriend, I am sorry she is unable of more respect toward you and break up properly.

 

I am afraid it's over. She just does not have the spine to tell you. I don't want to throw oil on fire but I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone else too.

 

There is no such a thing as 'space' or 'time off' in a relationship. They're all the same words for 'break up'.

[MrS-C]

Also turns out she hasn't gone to the pub with her mates.... She's gone to town with a mates she doesn't like... So she's lied to me I'm am absolutely gutted

[Gaeta]

Also turns out she hasn't gone to the pub with her mates.... She's gone to town with a mates she doesn't like... So she's lied to me I'm am absolutely gutted

 

I know how much it can hurt. I strongly suggest you go ahead and officially break up with her.

[MrS-C]

I refuse to do it on the basis I'm not giving her the cowards way out. I don't understand why she would say she's going to the pub then put a picture on Facebook of her getting ready for town

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why she would say she's going to the pub then put a picture on Facebook of her getting ready for town

 

What did you want her to tell you? By the way I am heading to town Saturday night with some dude?

[MrS-C]

I thought she would have a bit more respect for me than that.... I know 6 months ain't the longest but surely a Base level of respect t is built up by then

[Gaeta]

I thought she would have a bit more respect for me than that.... I know 6 months ain't the longest but surely a Base level of respect t is built up by then

 

I completely agree with you.

 

She has made a complete turn around on you. She said she wanted space for herself and friends and to not worry she did not want to cool things with you. She then turned around and did exactly that! She has been short with you, evasive in her answers, absent for 2 weeks, and now possibly lying about being with friends and running around with another man.

 

That is not a base for you to break up?

 

I think she is done with your relationship and instead of properly breaking up with you she is taking the coward way out by avoiding you and by putting out there in the open her outing with another man.

 

I was right in my first assessment that there might be someone else.

 

Here is my second assessment: You break up with her and she will not offer any resistance.

[MrS-C]

I totally concur. I think I'll split up with her in the morning.

 

Just to clarify the picture on Facebook is of her and a female friend so there may or may not be another guy.

 

Yet another failed relationship... I'm not sure how many more I can take

[Gaeta]

Just to clarify the picture on Facebook is of her and a female friend so there may or may not be another guy.

 

How did you come up with she is going into town with some man she does not even like?

 

Yet another failed relationship... I'm not sure how many more I can take

 

Oh! Many! you have a lot of strength in you you are not aware of yet. :-)

[MrS-C]

I never said she was going to town with a bloke! lol I honestly thought u his one was different.... We were talking about houses etc the other week... What a change of tunes she had had

[Gaeta]

She's gone to town with a mates she doesn't like... So she's lied to me I'm am absolutely gutted

 

OH my mistake!! English isn't my first language, I interpreted 'mates' as a guy!!

[MrS-C]

So last night I got this message :

I'm need to tell you truth. I've been grouchy past few weeks as I wasn't as happy as I use to be with us. I've tried to ignore it and get on with relationship as usual but I can't .its nothing you've done. I wanted my space too see how I truly felt about not seeing you and it has made me see you can do better than me and I don't feel as if I can carry on, I'll speak to you more in morning. I'm sorry but I have to tell you in text but I needed to get it off my chest, I'll call you in morning after I've left Chels house x

 

To which I responded:

 

Do u think it's something we can work at?

 

I love you with all my heart since the day we first met, I honestly thought you were the one. I would have done anything for u and u know it. I am absolutely gutted.

 

..... What the hell, any advice on how I should play this call, I know it's gonna upset me massively

[Jesuischarlie]

I know you must be gutted but any call she gives you is going to be bye. So don't answer. I know.... It's hard.

[acrosstheuniverse]

She's finished with you, so the only way you need to play it is classy. Send her a message back saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I was still happy with you but seeing as it isn't making you happy anymore I agree that you're right, it's best we split. I'll get *friend* to come and get my stuff from your place/you can ask *friend* to come collect your stuff from mine as I feel it'll be easier than seeing each other. I'd prefer we stop contacting each other in any way from now on, but I wish you the best. Take care'

 

and then you block and delete her number, her facebook, her instagram, her twitter, whatever. Delete the nice texts between you both and the photos and facebook posts if it helps you to heal.

 

I've been dumped before when I was really happy with someone after five months and it hurt like absolute hell, it really does. I think sometimes it's even harder that early on because you haven't had chance for your feelings to wane yet, or to see their downsides, you feel like you just lost something absolutely amazing. But I promise, if you get rid of her details, and go complete no contact, you will heal and move on after a few weeks/a month or two.

 

The worst thing you can do right now is beg her to change her mind or keep telling her that you love her. You will lose all dignity, it won't change a thing, and you'll feel terrible in the future for how little respect you had for yourself. I've been dumped a couple times very very painfully but the one thing I am proud of looking back is that once I knew it was over, other than the guy seeing me cry that day as we said goodbye, I never once asked them for a second chance or to change their mind or tried to persuade them otherwise. I just cut contact and moved on. You can do the same, there's nothing to salvage here.

 

I wouldn't bother speaking to her on the phone if I were you. It'll hurt too much and it won't change anything, and it'll be even harder to avoid acting pathetic by asking her to change her mind. Plus she's probably hoping that you will tell her it's okay, you don't hate her, and that you forgive her, hoping that you'll absolve the guilt she feels at hurting you. Let her absolve her own guilt. At the end of the day, she's lied to you about where she's going and who with, and instead of dumping you like a woman, she's given you the attitude and made you feel worse and worse for two weeks before dumping you via text. Not the behaviours of someone who deserves you.

[newlyborn]

OP, please don't pour your heart out to her anymore, or try to get her to change her mind.

 

i know you feel like you have been hit by mac truck. but the fact of the matter is that, for her, the decision has been made. and telling you -- by text! -- was just a formality.

 

take a few days to just let the reality of what happened reach you. confide to friends and family. vent here as needed. and then you can make a plan about exchanging things. do not have any contact with her until you have caught your breath.

 

i am so so sorry.

[veggirl]

Stop chasing her. Look at your OP, you text her, you call, you ask to hang out, you say ily, you wanna talk...etc. And she doesn't. Do not initiate anything.

[MrS-C]

Well I wrote her a letter explaining how I was feeling.... I dint beg for a second chance but I did ask if there was the opportunity to work through things... There isn't.

 

She basically doesn't feel the same way about me, she said I did nothing wrong and it all about the way she is feeling... She said it was hard coz I am such a nice guy.... I tried to make sense of things with her on the phone but couldn't... I got upset but managed to stay fairly composed... Didn't loose my temper etc.

 

My next step I'm gonna delete her from Facebook and not contact her. She said she dint know how she would feel in the future so I said u know where I am... However I won't be contacting her.

 

 

I'm absolutely gutted

[TG1]

Well I wrote her a letter explaining how I was feeling.... I dint beg for a second chance but I did ask if there was the opportunity to work through things... There isn't.

 

She basically doesn't feel the same way about me, she said I did nothing wrong and it all about the way she is feeling... She said it was hard coz I am such a nice guy.... I tried to make sense of things with her on the phone but couldn't... I got upset but managed to stay fairly composed... Didn't loose my temper etc.

 

My next step I'm gonna delete her from Facebook and not contact her. She said she dint know how she would feel in the future so I said u know where I am... However I won't be contacting her.

 

 

I'm absolutely gutted

 

 

I know how you feel but maybe in this case no contact is probably for the best, and just move on and before you know it you will find someone new but just in case you don't move on still keep up with no contact and just go on about your life and focus on other things and before you know it who knows maybe she will come back but then again she may not but if she doesn't then yes definitely move on

[acrosstheuniverse]

My next step I'm gonna delete her from Facebook and not contact her. She said she dint know how she would feel in the future so I said u know where I am... However I won't be contacting her.

 

 

I'm absolutely gutted

 

Well, as much as I'd have advised you NOT write the letter, at least you now know there's no going back to the relationship. It may be easier to get over her knowing that you tried all you could and it's absoltuely not going to happen. No 'what if I tried harder' thoughts to worry about.

 

Great idea to delete her, it's the only way to get over someone. I told my ex when he did a similar thing after five months 'I don't want to talk to you anymore, if you realise you've made a mistake you know where I am and depending on where I'm at emotionally, who knows. But I'm moving on now, and I don't want you in my life. Take care'. He actually tried calling me that night crying saying he didn't know what he was doing and it hurt so much, I told him he had his friends to listen to that now and I wasn't his friend so I wasn't going to talk him through his pain, he brought this upon us. And ended the call, blocked his number.

 

If she realises it's a mistake, she will find you somehow. But don't count on it. Her actions suggest she's completely over it already.

 

I know it hurts, I really do. It's going to. No dodging around heartache unfortunately. But, see your friends, talk to people about how you feel, keep her blocked and deleted and don't torture yourself looking at old messages and photos, and I promise you will heal. It actually only took me a few weeks to start feeling like myself again funnily enough. Once you've blocked someone from your life it's surprisingly easy to breathe again, knowing that they're not going to be able to contact you therefore not waiting for that call or text that's never coming.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. You will get through it. The vast majority of us here have at one time or another. It hurts like hell but it passes, hold onto that knowledge.

[TG1]

Yes man definitely move on man seriously because at the end of the day you are going to go crazy with thoughts of her and that is definitely not good for you in terms of your sanity so what I would do is move on entirely focus on other things like work or school or whatever you are into and just go on about your business and enough time will pass and you will even be asking yourself who this girl was that did such a number on you that you won't even care anymore

 

And if she then tries to come back into your life then well that is something you are going to have to figure out yourself

[Allumere]

sorry hun .... most of us have been exactly where you so we understand some of what you are feeling. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think there is anything you could have done that would have changed the out come. As an outsider looking in I see the obstacle being age. She is 23. That can be a huge age gap in terms of where folks are in life. She is in the party/play mode. It is also an age that tends to be "all about me" which isn't a bad thing but doesn't lend itself to commitment. So, for now just give yourself a lil time to recover, focus on you, your friends and hobbies (horses can fill up lotsa time) and in time the ache will stop and other women will start to appeal to you.

[TG1]

sorry hun .... most of us have been exactly where you so we understand some of what you are feeling. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think there is anything you could have done that would have changed the out come. As an outsider looking in I see the obstacle being age. She is 23. That can be a huge age gap in terms of where folks are in life. She is in the party/play mode. It is also an age that tends to be "all about me" which isn't a bad thing but doesn't lend itself to commitment. So, for now just give yourself a lil time to recover, focus on you, your friends and hobbies (horses can fill up lotsa time) and in time the ache will stop and other women will start to appeal to you.

 

What she just said goes double for me

[MrS-C]

Well, as much as I'd have advised you NOT write the letter, at least you now know there's no going back to the relationship. It may be easier to get over her knowing that you tried all you could and it's absoltuely not going to happen. No 'what if I tried harder' thoughts to worry about.

 

Great idea to delete her, it's the only way to get over someone. I told my ex when he did a similar thing after five months 'I don't want to talk to you anymore, if you realise you've made a mistake you know where I am and depending on where I'm at emotionally, who knows. But I'm moving on now, and I don't want you in my life. Take care'. He actually tried calling me that night crying saying he didn't know what he was doing and it hurt so much, I told him he had his friends to listen to that now and I wasn't his friend so I wasn't going to talk him through his pain, he brought this upon us. And ended the call, blocked his number.

 

If she realises it's a mistake, she will find you somehow. But don't count on it. Her actions suggest she's completely over it already.

 

I know it hurts, I really do. It's going to. No dodging around heartache unfortunately. But, see your friends, talk to people about how you feel, keep her blocked and deleted and don't torture yourself looking at old messages and photos, and I promise you will heal. It actually only took me a few weeks to start feeling like myself again funnily enough. Once you've blocked someone from your life it's surprisingly easy to breathe again, knowing that they're not going to be able to contact you therefore not waiting for that call or text that's never coming.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. You will get through it. The vast majority of us here have at one time or another. It hurts like hell but it passes, hold onto that knowledge.

 

I think in gonna send that exact message to her

[MrS-C]

sorry hun .... most of us have been exactly where you so we understand some of what you are feeling. I don't think you did anything wrong and I don't think there is anything you could have done that would have changed the out come. As an outsider looking in I see the obstacle being age. She is 23. That can be a huge age gap in terms of where folks are in life. She is in the party/play mode. It is also an age that tends to be "all about me" which isn't a bad thing but doesn't lend itself to commitment. So, for now just give yourself a lil time to recover, focus on you, your friends and hobbies (horses can fill up lotsa time) and in time the ache will stop and other women will start to appeal to you.

 

Fair point however she doesn't really party much, she works two jobs and has a horse so she can't afford to nor had the time to party