I'm not sure how attracted he is to me.

[hopefullove]

I met a wonderful guy 2 months ago and we have been dating, he asked me to be his girlfriend on our 4th date when he invited me over to place and cooked for me and his friends. He is attentive, considerate, thoughtful, caring, kind, funny, and wants to build a life together.

 

Really, there are no issues, he is the most understanding man, consistent, and loving man in my life.

 

Right now, I guess my sharing my feelings has turned into an argument.

 

He always tells me how amazing I am, and has said that in comparison to his previous relationships, where there were fireworks right away, with me, it was a good feeling that slowly builds up. This is good I guess, but I guess I don't feel he is attracted to me, I said that to him, and he says, I fell for a super cool, funny girl. I guess in my previous relationships, I am very much used to being wanted, sexually as well as intellectually. There is a passion in the early stages. And I don't really feel it with us. I am the one who initiates sex. He said it was great, in his previous relationships, he's always the one to want sex, but now, I am the one who wants it. He comments a lot about women, and he tells me, he falls in love dozen times a day. He does tell me I am beautiful/pretty, but then makes jokes, about how I am pretty in the dark, or if I am wearing too much make up, I am pretty, but from far away. All this adds up....

 

I suppose because we only had 4 dates before becoming a couple, since then we have done super couple things, errands, meet with friends, stay in, more errands.... our only first 4 dates where there was excitement, he kissed me passionately twice, on our first date and second date, and he is actually against PDA so i haven't felt that passion. He loves me like his buddy, his cool friend. I tried to explain to him how I feel, that it feels like he doesn't want me, that he is not that attracted to me... again he said, I am super cool. I guess it is my insecurities, but it's how i feel. Usually an early relationship for me, we can't keep our hands off each other, we want each other... we snuggle together... we hug... which is so lovely, but a very comfortable relationship.... we haven't spent that much time together (in the 2 months, I have been away for 3 weeks for Christmas, we haven't had romantic dates, but he does the sweetest most loving things for me) Anyway, he is super offended and we are in a fight now.

 

Do my feelings make sense or am i too sensitive???

Edited January 23, 2015 by hopefullove

[evanescentworld]

I met a wonderful guy... .. He is attentive, considerate, thoughtful, caring, kind, funny....

So is my dog.....

 

Really, there are no issues, he is the most understanding man, consistent, and loving man in my life.

Bull. Of course there are issues...!

 

Right now, I guess my sharing my feelings has turned into an argument.

"Right now, my sharing my feelings has caused him to be resentful, and he's developed it into an argument"....

 

'Sharing feelings' is normal, and communication is vital.

If he's taken umbrage at a perfectly natural occurrence...well, that to me is a huge red flag.

 

Here are a few more...

 

He always tells me how amazing I am, and has said that in comparison to his previous relationships, where there were fireworks right away, with me, it was a good feeling that slowly builds up. This is good I guess, but I guess I don't feel he is attracted to me, I said that to him, and he says, I fell for a super cool, funny girl. I guess in my previous relationships, I am very much used to being wanted, sexually as well as intellectually. There is a passion in the early stages. And I don't really feel it with us. I am the one who initiates sex. He said it was great, in his previous relationships, he's always the one to want sex, but now, I am the one who wants it. He comments a lot about women, and he tells me, he falls in love dozen times a day. He does tell me I am beautiful/pretty, but then makes jokes, about how I am pretty in the dark, or if I am wearing too much make up, I am pretty, but from far away. All this adds up....

yes it certainly does....

 

I suppose because we only had 4 dates before becoming a couple, since then we have done super couple things, errands, meet with friends, stay in, more errands.... our only first 4 dates where there was excitement, he kissed me passionately twice, on our first date and second date, and he is actually against PDA so i haven't felt that passion. He loves me like his buddy, his cool friend. I tried to explain to him how I feel, that it feels like he doesn't want me, that he is not that attracted to me... again he said, I am super cool. I guess it is my insecurities, but it's how i feel. Usually an early relationship for me, we can't keep our hands off each other, we want each other... we snuggle together... we hug... which is so lovely, but a very comfortable relationship.... we haven't spent that much time together (in the 2 months, I have been away for 3 weeks for Christmas, we haven't had romantic dates, but he does the sweetest most loving things for me) Anyway, he is super offended and we are in a fight now.

 

Do my feelings make sense or am i too sensitive???

 

To me, you make perfect sense.

 

He doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved.

 

There's so much I could write, but all i will say is, evaluate this post as if you were a complete stranger to the OP.

What would you tell her...?

 

Me?

I think you're 'settling' and I think he's TRYING to love you, but doesn't.

 

"Super cool"...? What dafuq does that actually mean??

[preraph]

It's waaaaay too soon to be worrying about longterm with him. It takes a lot longer than a couple of months to really know someone. You have to wait until the "good dating behavior" falls away and see how they are in grumpy mode, during car trouble, etc. He wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you, so your level of insecurity is alarming on this! You will push him away and it will be your problem that caused it, not his. You need, seriously, to shutup about anything even resembling if he's attracted to you, if he's committed to you, and just try to be a fun date so he thinks you're worth all the insecurities that come with you. You want him to promise things up front he couldn't possibly know so that you feel the ultimate level of comfort in having feelings for him. It doesn't work that way. All that pressure leads to is him realizing how insecure you are, and that's unattractive. Try to just live for the moment and have fun.

[PumpkinLumpkin]

He does tell me I am beautiful/pretty, but then makes jokes, about how I am pretty in the dark, or if I am wearing too much make up, I am pretty, but from far away. All this adds up....

 

 

I don't think you're being overly sensitive, but instead of sitting there all hurt and being a victim, I think you should deal it right back to him. Be a bit of a smartass and come back with remarks like, "I love looking at your handsome body except it reminds me how much I miss John Candy."

 

And do this playfully...

[evanescentworld]

It's waaaaay too soon to be worrying about longterm with him. It takes a lot longer than a couple of months to really know someone. You have to wait until the "good dating behavior" falls away and see how they are in grumpy mode, during car trouble, etc. He wouldn't be with you if he wasn't attracted to you, so your level of insecurity is alarming on this! You will push him away and it will be your problem that caused it, not his. You need, seriously, to shutup about anything even resembling if he's attracted to you, if he's committed to you, and just try to be a fun date so he thinks you're worth all the insecurities that come with you. You want him to promise things up front he couldn't possibly know so that you feel the ultimate level of comfort in having feelings for him. It doesn't work that way. All that pressure leads to is him realizing how insecure you are, and that's unattractive. Try to just live for the moment and have fun.

I completely disagree with most of this.

 

The reason I say that, is that 99 times out of 100, I think preraph is right on the button.

 

This time - this one time - I don't see it at all.

 

No offence....

[Zahara]

He is attentive, considerate, thoughtful, caring, kind, funny, and wants to build a life together.

 

He comments a lot about women, and he tells me, he falls in love dozen times a day. He does tell me I am beautiful/pretty, but then makes jokes, about how I am pretty in the dark, or if I am wearing too much make up, I am pretty, but from far away.

 

I have to point out how contradictory your statements are. A man that is "considerate, thoughtful, caring, kind" doesn't insult and throw out

subtle/blatant put downs -- IT'S NOT JOKES.

 

A person that is attentive, considerate, thoughtful, caring, kind and funny is consistent in those behaviors. That is when it's genuine. When someone is a certain way today and another way tomorrow, I would suggest you pay attention to who he truly is and it's the one that's telling you that you're only pretty from far away. After what he said, I am surprised you're still with him.

 

I don't think he loves you or cares about you the one you would hope for.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Zahara

[hopefullove]

So - I will first say that he is foreign - english is not his first language. He is from Europe and has been here in North America for 2 years and has this weird sense of humor of teasing. He teases a lot, but he also compliments me a lot and is super loving. I mean he makes such an effort to make me happy. For example - a few days I was tired from a long day at work and he packed all this food he made at home and brought it over for me. He offers to drive me home when I am out late with my friends (I decline because, it's late, the offer is amazing tho), He picked me up from the airport with a dozen long stem roses (how incredible). On top of that, he listens and tries to understand me, when I express my fears, because I have been burned by previous relationships.

 

Being the dramatic man he is, he also feels fire very quickly, and has a fast temper based on the way he was burned by his ex, and he said that she would accuse him and exaggerate and basically bust his balls. Which is why he was so quick to defend himself.

 

You guys ALL make sense to me.

 

He doesn't love you in the way you need to be loved.

It's true - he calls me his wife, his cool buddy - our relationship is so comfortable, I feel we skipped being a lover/girlfriend. That's what I was trying to express.

 

You need, seriously, to shutup about anything even resembling if he's attracted to you, if he's committed to you, and just try to be a fun date so he thinks you're worth all the insecurities that come with you. You want him to promise things up front he couldn't possibly know so that you feel the ultimate level of comfort in having feelings for him. It doesn't work that way. All that pressure leads to is him realizing how insecure you are, and that's unattractive. Try to just live for the moment and have fun.

And I have shut up. Because yes, he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't attracted to me. Maybe not in the way I am used to someone being attracted to me. Maybe I am used to someone who lusted for me, who thought I was hot, who can't keep his hands off me. This guy is caring, and loving. He says dumb things because he thinks he is funny and thinks we can joke around like buddies. Because it was his dream that his gf is also his best friend.... but I am getting used to being both, I want to be a good friend to my boyfriend, I am trying to learn how not to be hurt by things he says but doesn't mean to offend.......

 

Thanks everyone!

[Zahara]

So - I will first say that he is foreign - english is not his first language. He is from Europe and has been here in North America for 2 years and has this weird sense of humor of teasing. He teases a lot, but he also compliments me a lot and is super loving. I mean he makes such an effort to make me happy. For example - a few days I was tired from a long day at work and he packed all this food he made at home and brought it over for me. He offers to drive me home when I am out late with my friends (I decline because, it's late, the offer is amazing tho), He picked me up from the airport with a dozen long stem roses (how incredible). On top of that, he listens and tries to understand me, when I express my fears, because I have been burned by previous relationships.

 

I'm sorry but you can blind yourself to it and make all sorts of excuses about being foreign but universally, it has to be common sense to any man that telling a woman that she looks pretty only in the dark or from far away is an insult.

 

I had an ex that lavished me with all sorts of nice things, called me everyday after work but he was cheating behind my back. So when the behavior isn't consistent, it isn't genuine. A guy can throw petals around you to keep your attention, to keep you attached, to keep you interested and if that means long stem roses, he'll do it but what does that all mean when he devalues your worth a day later.

 

Being the dramatic man he is, he also feels fire very quickly, and has a fast temper based on the way he was burned by his ex, and he said that she would accuse him and exaggerate and basically bust his balls. Which is why he was so quick to defend himself.

 

Of course, the ex was at fault. Pay careful attention when a guy blames an ex for his bad behavior. You were not there to see what his relationship was with her so he could possibly even be making up that story to keep you compliant to his terms and tolerant of his behavior.

 

It's true - he calls me his wife, his cool buddy - our relationship is so comfortable, I feel we skipped being a lover/girlfriend. That's what I was trying to express.

 

So you go from wife to cool buddy? Men that start future faking this soon -- pay attention.

 

And I have shut up. Because yes, he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't attracted to me. Maybe not in the way I am used to someone being attracted to me. Maybe I am used to someone who lusted for me, who thought I was hot, who can't keep his hands off me. This guy is caring, and loving. He says dumb things because he thinks he is funny and thinks we can joke around like buddies. Because it was his dream that his gf is also his best friend.... but I am getting used to being both, I want to be a good friend to my boyfriend, I am trying to learn how not to be hurt by things he says but doesn't mean to offend.......

 

I'm sorry that you tolerate being put down as jokes. Justifying bad behavior only conditions you to tolerate more bad behavior.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Zahara

[evanescentworld]

I completely agree with all of ^^^this^^

 

The reason I say that, is that 99 times out of 100, I think zahara is right on the button.

 

This time - this one time - Is no different.

 

No offence....at all.

[Zahara]

Another thing OP:

 

He comments a lot about women, and he tells me, he falls in love dozen times a day.

 

Is that a language issue too?

 

Yet he declares you to be his wife? So what's the validity and depth of the words he says to you -- because one day you're a wife and the next he's falling in love a dozen times a day with other women.

 

Do you get it?

[Ruby Slippers]

He's let you know that while he cares about you, he doesn't feel infatuated with you. It sounds like it's not a big deal, but in my experience, the difference between a man who feels that initial crush/physical attraction/adoration for you does a lot of romantic, loving things that the guy who doesn't feel that way does not do. I won't make a big laundry list, but it all boils down to that dreamy look in his eyes for you.

 

My last relationship was with a guy who was solid and serious, but never looked at me that way or treated me that way. I tried to be pragmatic and stick with it, even took him back for a second try. But for me, there were just too many reminders all around that something was missing in that relationship.

 

With him I felt like one woman of many who might fill the role he was looking for, never that one special woman he couldn't live without. That just didn't work for me.

 

But everybody is different, and some women can get used to this type of relationship. I fully admit my life would be easier and more comfortable if I were capable of that!

[hopefullove]

Okay - so he is Italian.

 

I assume that makes them passionate and dramatic as a culture.

 

Yeah - what he said, when he said he falls in love a dozen times a day, is part of the feeling of that he isn't super physically attracted to me. He talks about how he loves my character, who I am, I have a good heart, and I am a good person. He said above all, that's what he loves most about me.

 

And he explained that, in the past, it was lustful, it was not sustainable, he was super physically attracted to someone, but nothing more was there. She wasn't funny like I was, wasn't smart, well rounded, etc etc etc. So I understand what he means. He admires beauty, and there's a lot of physical beauty in the world.

 

So if you understand what I am saying, I get that he loves my inner beauty hahahha. And the issue I am feeling, is, oh, I've always wanted a guy to love my brains and wit, but they've always also thought I was super hot. I think, to him, I am super wonderful and he is attracted to me enough.... so that's why, i feel a little down.

[hopefullove]

He's let you know that while he cares about you, he doesn't feel infatuated with you. It sounds like it's not a big deal, but in my experience, the difference between a man who feels that initial crush/physical attraction/adoration for you does a lot of romantic, loving things that the guy who doesn't feel that way does not do. I won't make a big laundry list, but it all boils down to that dreamy look in his eyes for you.

 

My last relationship was with a guy who was solid and serious, but never looked at me that way or treated me that way. I tried to be pragmatic and stick with it, even took him back for a second try. But for me, there were just too many reminders all around that something was missing in that relationship.

 

With him I felt like one woman of many who might fill the role he was looking for, never that one special woman he couldn't live without. That just didn't work for me.

 

But everybody is different, and some women can get used to this type of relationship. I fully admit my life would be easier and more comfortable if I were capable of that!

 

I think you are the one who is understanding my point of view.

He really does care about me. He texts me every morning, he tells me when he goes for a run and will be unavailable for 2 hours so I don't worry if he doesn't text me back. He makes a conscious effort, is dependable, he wants me to go out with his friends, wants to build a life together, but yeah, it's not infatuation.... when we are together, or when we texts, he will kiss me when I make him laugh or say something funny. He's told me a few times that when I make him laugh, his heart beats faster and that he doesn't know what's happening....

 

He said he has never been with a girl who made him laugh. So to him, this is a big deal..... I am special to him in that way. Again, sigh, he loves my inner beauty lol

[Zahara]

I think we're focusing on two different things.

 

Nonetheless, I hope you figure this out and get what you truly deserve.

 

Good luck to you.

[evanescentworld]

Okay - so he is Italian.

OMG!! I'M ITALIAN!!

 

 

I assume that makes them passionate and dramatic as a culture.

yes. That does not equate with being an @$$hole! If he was a relative of mine, I'd smack him upside the head! he's being a chauvinist!!

 

Yeah - what he said, when he said he falls in love a dozen times a day, is part of the feeling of that he isn't super physically attracted to me. He talks about how he loves my character, who I am, I have a good heart, and I am a good person. He said above all, that's what he loves most about me.

In that case - and I'm absolutely serious - he WILL be unfaithful.

Italians love the aesthetic. They love style, elegance, beauty, and poise.

They love beauty they can perceive. They love beauty they can show off.

 

And he explained that, in the past, it was lustful, it was not sustainable, he was super physically attracted to someone, but nothing more was there. She wasn't funny like I was, wasn't smart, well rounded, etc etc etc. So I understand what he means. He admires beauty, and there's a lot of physical beauty in the world.

Pay - ATTENTION - TO THIS.

 

So if you understand what I am saying, I get that he loves my inner beauty hahahha.

Yes, you will make the perfect mamma for his babies. While he goes off and can with a clear conscience, nab the aesthetic aphrodite, purely for sex, because he has everything ele he needs at home.

 

He's Italian, remember?

So am I. Remember that.

I have 37 male cousins....

Believe me, some of them are players....

 

And the issue I am feeling, is, oh, I've always wanted a guy to love my brains and wit, but they've always also thought I was super hot. I think, to him, I am super wonderful and he is attracted to me enough.... so that's why, i feel a little down.

 

He's not attracted to you enough to find you 'super hot'.

he's attracted to you enough to find the little wife his mamma probably wants him to find to give her lots of nipotini*....

 

He'll find 'super hot' somewhere else.

 

And it's not unusual for Italians to have mistresses and their families to turn a polite blind eye.

 

jeesh woman - wakey-wakey!!

 

(*Grandchildren.)

[hopefullove]

hahahahaha thanks for that!!!!!

 

well. he hasn't dated anyone in 2 years, he said his ex traumatized him.

our 4th date he invited me home with his friends, and he keeps inviting me out and says he wants to show me off.

 

Yes! you are totally correct. Italians love the aesthetic, style, beauty, etc... he says to me, that every day his feelings for me grow and grow exponentially. He has told me he is a deeply loyal person, to a fault, and sometimes he wishes he wasn't so loyal. I mean, it is for me to see with my eyes, and only time will tell. I trust him so far based on the way he treats me. I understand what you are saying though.

 

I'm not actually someone his mama, or grandmama would immediately take to hahaha, I don't think he has dated outside of his Italian girls, and I'm not white. He probably didn't expect to fall for me.

 

Actually, he told me, when he first met me, he has been trying to find someone to date for the last 2 years, and he had for the first time, a promising date with some super hot modelesque girl. We went out on Friday, and had a great time. He said he knew, and he cancelled the date with hot girl on Sunday, and asked me out again, because he had to see me. He told me he talked over his dilemma with his sister, that on one hand, there is this super hot girl he met, and then, there's me, super funny and cool, and he has a good feeling about me. So ultimately he picked me and told that girl he met someone.

 

SOOOOOOO. That's how I feel. He picked me, the FUNNY ONE. IT blows because usually people find me super attractive, and now i'm the funny one. hahahaah do you understand?

[evanescentworld]

Trying to....

There's just no pleezin' some gals, huh?

[hopefullove]

Okay yeah I realized my problem.

 

I just read something on the internet that started with "my boyfriend doesn't find me hot" hahaha.

 

I get it. I think I'm starting to get where I am coming from.

 

Sometimes you just want your boyfriend to think you're the hottest thing ever. But he is super blunt, and he says things as it is. He says what we have is amazing.

 

I need to figure out how to deal with it, I have always thought I had a really healthy self esteem, but that's because I've always had people around me to tell me how amazing, funny, beautiful I am. And from your boyfriend, you kind of want them to feel the world of you. He tells me I am super cute, pretty, beautiful, he does. I can't expect him to not look at other people, and think they are super hot.

 

Ummmm. So I guess I do have an insecurity problem that i think it blows that I'm the kind hearted funny one he picked over the model.

[Leigh 87]

I went on a date with a guy last night who thought I was beautiful the moment he saw me. He also thinks I am funny and cool.

 

Those are the types of relationships you should aim for in my honest opinion - unless you are one of those people who is just not blessed in the looks department and cannot realistically hold out for a guy who is really attracted for you from the get go.

 

I have tried dating a guy for 2.5 years; he thought I had an amazing figure but he wasn't attracted to my face. He grew to think I was funny and cool, however, he was never passionate about me in the bedroom... He never made out with me... And he ultimately, after just 1.5 years, needed his fix from other women; he tried to tell me it is normal for a guy to want to go after super hot girls and have variety. I believed him at the time:sick:

 

Not all guys will carry on a relationship if they feel that they need to go elsewhere for sex. There are plenty of decent men, like Ruby Slippers ex boyfriend, who will break it off OR remain very faithful with a woman they are not crazy about. There is really something to be said about dating a man who adores the way you look from the early stages. It doesn't have to happen on date one, however, after a few dates it makes all the difference if a guy becomes infatuated and googly eyed over you. It sounds like your guy is relationship orientated and wants to find a suitable mate; he clearly hasn't found a good companion in a woman that he was infatuated with.

 

In a blog online, the blog starter said: I wasn't infatuated with my wife the same way I was with my prior girlfriends, but no one is as generous, cool or funny as her. Our sex life is great too, so I have won the wife jackpot! Does our sex life have the same sizzle as it has with some of my prior lovers? No. But she is in it for the long haul and her character far exceeds that of the other women I dated where I felt the spark and had explosive sex with them.

 

If you are attractive to other men, OP, I really urge you to leave your boyfriend and to hold out for the men who are attracted to you from the start - and who you feel the same way about. You can feel the fire for someone who is not "hot".

 

I think your boyfriend would also prefer if he had the sizzle, infatuation and the honeymoon period - with a woman who is also cool and funny like you. Do you really want to marry a guy and look back and think "well, he wasn't infatuated with me the same way with his other girlfriends, and he didn't feel googly eyed or crazy about me, but at the end of the day he picked personality over a woman who he was innately attracted to. If you are attractive enough to a whole host of guys, I urge you not to settle for a personality based relationship - and to hold out for a guy who is crazy about you on every level. It is way more intense and passionate.

 

You can both find the spark and go through the honeymoon, infatuation period with suitable partners who you really like and have great personalities.

 

If you are both unfortunate looking and find it hard to get dates then sure, go for a companion based relationship where one or two partners just doesn't feel the fire of attraction towards you.

[hopefullove]

I went on a date with a guy last night who thought I was beautiful the moment he saw me. He also thinks I am funny and cool.

 

Those are the types of relationships you should aim for in my honest opinion - unless you are one of those people who is just not blessed in the looks department and cannot realistically hold out for a guy who is really attracted for you from the get go.

 

I have tried dating a guy for 2.5 years; he thought I had an amazing figure but he wasn't attracted to my face. He grew to think I was funny and cool, however, he was never passionate about me in the bedroom... He never made out with me... And he ultimately, after just 1.5 years, needed his fix from other women; he tried to tell me it is normal for a guy to want to go after super hot girls and have variety. I believed him at the time:sick:

 

Not all guys will carry on a relationship if they feel that they need to go elsewhere for sex. There are plenty of decent men, like Ruby Slippers ex boyfriend, who will break it off OR remain very faithful with a woman they are not crazy about. There is really something to be said about dating a man who adores the way you look from the early stages. It doesn't have to happen on date one, however, after a few dates it makes all the difference if a guy becomes infatuated and googly eyed over you. It sounds like your guy is relationship orientated and wants to find a suitable mate; he clearly hasn't found a good companion in a woman that he was infatuated with.

 

In a blog online, the blog starter said: I wasn't infatuated with my wife the same way I was with my prior girlfriends, but no one is as generous, cool or funny as her. Our sex life is great too, so I have won the wife jackpot! Does our sex life have the same sizzle as it has with some of my prior lovers? No. But she is in it for the long haul and her character far exceeds that of the other women I dated where I felt the spark and had explosive sex with them.

 

If you are attractive to other men, OP, I really urge you to leave your boyfriend and to hold out for the men who are attracted to you from the start - and who you feel the same way about. You can feel the fire for someone who is not "hot".

 

I think your boyfriend would also prefer if he had the sizzle, infatuation and the honeymoon period - with a woman who is also cool and funny like you. Do you really want to marry a guy and look back and think "well, he wasn't infatuated with me the same way with his other girlfriends, and he didn't feel googly eyed or crazy about me, but at the end of the day he picked personality over a woman who he was innately attracted to. If you are attractive enough to a whole host of guys, I urge you not to settle for a personality based relationship - and to hold out for a guy who is crazy about you on every level. It is way more intense and passionate.

 

You can both find the spark and go through the honeymoon, infatuation period with suitable partners who you really like and have great personalities.

 

If you are both unfortunate looking and find it hard to get dates then sure, go for a companion based relationship where one or two partners just doesn't feel the fire of attraction towards you.

 

Thanks so much for your level of insight.

We are both attractive people. I'm not model hot, but I think I'm pretty attractive, I've been compared to Jessica Alba, and Maggie Q, comparisons by people I also think have facial blindness, but I'm able to date whomever I've wanted to date because, I think, of my personality. I'm pretty funny and charming and interesting, and a lot of guys are not used to laughing so much with a pretty girl I think. I'm also thoughtful, sweet, caring and loving (IF I AM INTERESTED). I've dated a lot of complete package guys who were crazy about me, ridiculously good looking model looks, great jobs, kind and caring, sweet, funny. etc. At least in the beginning, but things haven't worked out. I've had a lot of guys chase me, so I am used to really being wanted.

 

He is attractive too and popular. He's smart, and educated, funny and charming. He makes friends easily as people love being around him, is tall, athletic, well dressed and suave, has a Christian Bale Bruce Wayne thing going on. I don't know what kind of women he has dated, but definitely I know this guy is only used to the best.

 

I know he thinks I'm pretty, attractive, beautiful, cute... but I probably don't compare to the hot chicks. But he's told me, what he has with me, he has never had with anyone else, the comfort, the way he can just be himself, the way we laugh so much together, and he is in love with that. He loves us, and every day he falls more and more with it. He said he is crazy about me, but he doesn't feel crazy. So yeah, it's not infatuation... which is what he usually feels, and yeah, you're right, that never worked for him, so he is looking for something different.

 

We had a chat last night, and he told me, he doesn't want the honeymoon phase. He said he is done with that BS, that is not real, he wants our entire relationship to be like that, where we impress each other every day, and he's doesn't want to have a honeymoon phases that will end.

 

I am attractive to other guys, but this guy also has given me things I have been looking for that I've never found. Someone who is dependable, who talks out our feelings, he is thoughtful and kind, he listens to me and tries to be patient and understand me, he is considerate of me and people around him, he works hard, is smart and curious, and just open. He doesn't bore me like a lot of men, he is entertaining, and funny, and just, the sweetest man to me. He told me he changed a lot, he used to be a huge jerk, a douchebag, but now he is a better man.

 

I do miss the intensity and passion that comes with an early relationship. However, that had only ever lasted with my first relationship/love. Since then, ever relationship where I've had crazy intensity and passion, it always faded away. It was super fun to start! It was something i got to look back on and reminisce. Maybe that's what is normal to me, I want something to look back on, where as, he wants something to build through time.

[preraph]

I completely disagree with most of this.

 

The reason I say that, is that 99 times out of 100, I think preraph is right on the button.

 

This time - this one time - I don't see it at all.

 

No offence....

 

No worries. I see your points, especially on his comments about in the dark and stuff. But I can't tell if he's teasing or just too blunt. Since the question was is he attracted to her, I'm saying he is or he wouldn't be there. He's also attracted to a lot of other women, by his own admission. I have to overlook this since at least he's honest about it. A whole lot of men pretend not to be but are as well. I think it's worth pursuing for a bit and trying to keep her from sabotaging it. You are right about the communication, but unfortunately the reality is communication on certain subjects often does run someone off if it seems like insecurity or pressure.

[preraph]

So - I will first say that he is foreign - english is not his first language. He is from Europe and has been here in North America for 2 years and has this weird sense of humor of teasing. He teases a lot, but he also compliments me a lot and is super loving. I mean he makes such an effort to make me happy. For example - a few days I was tired from a long day at work and he packed all this food he made at home and brought it over for me. He offers to drive me home when I am out late with my friends (I decline because, it's late, the offer is amazing tho), He picked me up from the airport with a dozen long stem roses (how incredible). On top of that, he listens and tries to understand me, when I express my fears, because I have been burned by previous relationships.

 

Being the dramatic man he is, he also feels fire very quickly, and has a fast temper based on the way he was burned by his ex, and he said that she would accuse him and exaggerate and basically bust his balls. Which is why he was so quick to defend himself.

 

You guys ALL make sense to me.

 

 

It's true - he calls me his wife, his cool buddy - our relationship is so comfortable, I feel we skipped being a lover/girlfriend. That's what I was trying to express.

 

 

And I have shut up. Because yes, he wouldn't be with me if he wasn't attracted to me. Maybe not in the way I am used to someone being attracted to me. Maybe I am used to someone who lusted for me, who thought I was hot, who can't keep his hands off me. This guy is caring, and loving. He says dumb things because he thinks he is funny and thinks we can joke around like buddies. Because it was his dream that his gf is also his best friend.... but I am getting used to being both, I want to be a good friend to my boyfriend, I am trying to learn how not to be hurt by things he says but doesn't mean to offend.......

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Thanks for the info about being English second language. I think that accounts for some of the bluntness. I have always said when in doubt, listen to actions more than words, and it does sound like his considerate actions have been consistent with caring about you, not just using you.

[lovexocoach]

It's unusual for a man not to initiate sex. It doesn't sound as though his attraction to you is strong from a physical standpoint.

 

Low libido, psychological issues, or chemistry incompatibility could be possible causes of low attraction.

 

How strong is the chemistry? How strong is the overall compatibility?

 

You haven't known each other for very long. But it sounds like you're his (best) friend, not his best friend and lover.

[Ruby Slippers]

hey, hopefullove. I can tell you and I have a lot in common, just by your user name. I'm a sappy girlie dreamer as well

 

From your latest posts, it sounds to me like you recognize what's going on, but you want to give it a shot with this guy, anyway. And I think you should! More time with him will only reveal more of your dynamics together, and arouse more of your feelings about the relationship. It sounds like a good idea to have more experiences with him and see how it goes. It's only been 2 months - early days. I vote give it a few more months and see how you feel then.

[hopefullove]

hey, hopefullove. I can tell you and I have a lot in common, just by your user name. I'm a sappy girlie dreamer as well

 

From your latest posts, it sounds to me like you recognize what's going on, but you want to give it a shot with this guy, anyway. And I think you should! More time with him will only reveal more of your dynamics together, and arouse more of your feelings about the relationship. It sounds like a good idea to have more experiences with him and see how it goes. It's only been 2 months - early days. I vote give it a few more months and see how you feel then.

 

Awwww Ruby Slippers.

I am a sappy girl!!!! I always simplified my needs to those of The Sims, hahaha, you know, how each has a life goal, family life, love, friendship, career, knowledge, and I totally feel that mine is love.

 

Anyway - we talked about how I felt. And I also talked to my friends who said they wanted to shake me, they were like, what do you have to complain about?!?!!? One reminded me that I always seem to want to be woo'ed. And I understand my issue now. I had been completely spoiled by my first boyfriend, he's very romantic, and very English, and very charming and a giver, and pleaser. However, he came and went when he pleased, not very reliable, we never had open communication, just, at the end of it, we weren't very compatible, even though he was my first love. And since then, I had a whirlwind romance with a commitment phobe, who came at me with everything, love notes, flowers, making me breakfast every morning the whole time we lived together, he was gorgeous and couldn't keep his hands off me, so that made everything better. At the end, he was a jerk. And then, just many small, crazy, whirlwind romances, with, I bet, emotional unstable men who would just fall in love with me, and treat me with so much overwhelming intensity. And they would end shortly after, just as fast at it started, it would fizzle. But because I've only had that sort of experience, and not a long term relationship, I was used an unsustainable passion. I mean, if it's going to go down anyway, shouldn't it just start higher, so when things slow down, I have something to look back and remember fondly... THAT was my own misguided expectation...

 

So what my new boyfriend now is explaining to me, that, to sell himself to me, is easy. To treat me at a 200% intensity, he can do that no problem, but it is not sustainable, and he will only go down from that point. And as he becomes lazy, I'll start to resent him for not being the person I fell in love with, so he explained that he just wanted to be himself, and grow more and more in love with me. He already treats me really well, with so much thoughtfulness and care. I think most importantly is that he wants to make me happy. He wants to learn and understand me, and he wants us to grow together on the same path, and these are his words, and his actions.

 

So last weekend, was amazing. We finally got to spend some time together, being together, enjoying each other, and it was blissful. Anyway, I am really blessed to have found a man like him who embodies all the things I've wanted in a partner! I guess only time can tell where this relationship goes!

 

Oh - also - he has been initiating a lot of sex now. hahaha. And it has been good. hahaha. Even after working an insane work week of 77 hours.