Is she not ready? Need Honest Answer

[theonlyone1]

I have been dating this girl now for a little over a year. I had my own place and she recently moved in with me. I am 21 she is 20. Things have been going fine up until about new years.

 

 

Since we had moved in together about 4 months ago, things had changed and we slowly started hanging our friends less and started hanging out more with couples. Before new years, we would each go out separate with our friends about once a week or so. We would also spend time apart when we were with family/work/school. Apparently her new years resolution was to spend more times with friends. Her friends are a bad influence as they are single, younger, and like to drink a lot and do drugs. At first, I was fine with it since I trusted she could control herself. During the week one day she wanted to have her friends come over. I said I'll pass because I really wanted to go just hang out with the boys and grab a beer and relax. I told her I'll be back around 12 and that for her to be around since I need to fob to get into our apartment. (At the time we only had 1 fob so we shared it).

 

So at around 11:30 I told her I'm on my way home, to meet me at the garage to let me in. No answer. I said ok thats fine, I'll call in when I'm closer. So I'm about 2 minutes away and I call her and still no answer. Finally I'm home in the garage still with no answer. I don't hear from her for 10 minutes while I'm stuck in the garage. Finally I get a call from her, a guy answered the phone. One of the friends in the group. I tell him I need to keys to get up. Apparently They had gone to a nearby club and she was "too busy" to get to the phone. Again I said ok, I trust her, and had him bring me the keys. At this point I want to meet her at the club, so I got back to our place to find a ton of alcohol and cocaine.

 

I finally make it to the club to find my girlfriend is completely drunk, coked out, in VIP with some guys and her friends. I of course am furious but kept my cool the rest of the night and explained to her the next morning that I thought was she did was completely irresponsible and made it harder for me to trust her and let her go out with her friends. A night that was supposed to be a "girls night" turned into a drunken club night, which tends to happen with her group of friends.

 

I would explain more nights but I could go on and on. One more example was the past Tuesday, I had a long day at work. After the gym she tells me to meet her at a restaurant with her friends. I go meet her and after ordering she says she's not hungry and just wants drinks. Of course I'm 21 and shes 20 so I order them for her. Once she got the first one, she finished it and ordered a second. These were drinks, not wine. I was a little ticked off as the night before she had been drinking too. Finally we get the check and im ready to leave.

 

Her mom gives her this card that she puts $300 on since she doesn't work and to buy some food since we don't split rent or groceries or anything. I ask her to put the bill on that card and she tells me no that its her money and that she wants to buy shoes. I told her that this is the money your mom gives us to buy food. She explained that its her money and she can buy whatever she wants. Since i'm paying for just about everything I have very little money to save or buy myself things and the $300 her moms gives used to be a big help but now she believes that its her money.

 

After that talk and dinner, I find out she invited the friends over. At this time it is 10 and I'm pretty tired and need to be awake the next morning for work. We have a 600 sq ft one bedroom so its not like I can really relax without hearing her friends. To make it worse, they popped open a vodka bottle, so I knew it was going to be a long night. At around 12 there all drunk and I pull my girlfriend aside and tell her she needs to stop drinking and her friends need to make their way home because I'm tired. She makes a huge scene and talks down to me in front of all of them. I then make my way to the friends and explain its time to wrap things up since I work the next day.

 

My girlfriend believes she is doing nothing wrong, but I think the partying and drinking is getting out of hand. Also, she lives with me, I believe she should start to help pay some of the bills, something her mom is willing to help with but she thinks its her money. I feel like she is reverting back to her high school years and wants to have a single life.

 

She keeps making it seem like im overreacting. Can I get an honest answer from you guys, am I overreacting or is she just not ready for a serious relationship and I should cut her loose?

[kendahke]

It's time for her to move.

 

Aside from the fact that she engages in illegal activity, she does not respect you or the fact that you work.

[adiamond]

If I was in your situation, I would let her go. She sounds irresponsible, selfish and you are not over reacting. 1, she is doing COKE. 2, she pays for nothing and makes you pay for everything without having to pat an eye lash.

[losangelena]

Phew.

 

Jettison this one. Drug user, belligerent, non-contributing, selfish. You seem like a responsible guy with a future. There's no need to be dallying with someone like her. You could do a lot better.

 

Bye-bye!

[GemmaUK]

Good grief!

 

 

You are not over reacting at all!

 

 

Myself and my now ex were only a couple of years older than you when we moved in together but there were house rules that we agreed to.

If we wanted a party the other had to be in agreement too and they would never be the night before a work day.

 

 

We had respect for each other, listened to each other and took responsibility when either of us did something not so great (we're all human).

 

 

She is not showing you, your place nor your neighbours any respect at all.

 

 

If I had a partner like that then they wouldn't be living with me come this weekend. Once gone I would change the locks too.

[theonlyone1]

So having her friends come over on a weekday to drink is not reasonable? When I brought it up all I get is her arguing that I'm being controlling or that it was a great night and what is the problem.

[theonlyone1]

She goes to school 2 days a week. Shouldn't she be getting a part time job?

[LostOnes05]

Bro, this may be tough to hear but you gotta let her go. She is not ready for a relationship of this magnitude. She sounds rather selfish and irresponsible to be honest. I think you can do much better. Think of yourself for a moment. Imagine if she or one of her friends overdoses in your apartment. This could literally ruin you. Think of one of these little punks telling the cops they do drugs in the apartment all the time and YOU knew about it. Don't let someone who isn't contributing equally tell you what to do or ruin your life. Definitely not worth it.

 

And she has all this time to be drunk and do drugs?! She needs a J-O-B or more classes!

[smackie9]

She's young, immature, and not ready for the real world. You can't fix her, she is oblivious, and it's not your responsibility to carry the load. Yes cut her loose.....

[theonlyone1]

She's made me think I'm controlling and being a "dick" to her by bringing up these things. How do I know if I am or if she is just manipulating me into thinking I am

[GemmaUK]

So having her friends come over on a weekday to drink is not reasonable? When I brought it up all I get is her arguing that I'm being controlling or that it was a great night and what is the problem.

 

 

 

No.

It is NOT reasonable.

 

 

Stand up for yourself.

[losangelena]

You're not! We're telling you you're not. You're not a dick—she is unreasonable.

[lovexocoach]

Sounds to me like she has to grow up a lot. She's not respecting you at all.

 

 

And you have to decide if you can continue living like this. (Doesn't sound very appealing in the least.)

 

 

If not, time for her to find her own place and pay her own bills like any responsible adult.

[kendahke]

She goes to school 2 days a week. Shouldn't she be getting a part time job?

 

I"m surprised your landlord allowed her to move in with you without a job and her not being your wife.

 

So having her friends come over on a weekday to drink is not reasonable?

 

Of course not! Not when she doesn't work, not when she's not pulling her fair share of the finances for the place, not when she's doing things that will cause you to be hauled to jail because cocaine is in your home.

 

When I brought it up all I get is her arguing that I'm being controlling or that it was a great night and what is the problem.

 

Then she needs to go live with her friends and they can have these great nights every night of the week if they so choose.

 

Is her name on the lease? Start the eviction process to get her out of there. It really depends upon how heavy you want to come down on her about things... after all, she's got coke up in your house and she's an underaged drinker. There's a lot to work with there if you really wanted to be a "swinging richard".

 

How do I know if I am or if she is just manipulating me into thinking I am

 

Will her mother allow her to do this in her home? Most of us adults here are telling you that she has to go. You are not a dicque. She is manipulating you. Her sex isn't good enough that you should tolerate this kind of disrespect in your own home.

[theonlyone1]

I"m surprised your landlord allowed her to move in with you without a job and her not being your wife.

 

 

 

Of course not! Not when she doesn't work, not when she's not pulling her fair share of the finances for the place, not when she's doing things that will cause you to be hauled to jail because cocaine is in your home.

 

 

 

Then she needs to go live with her friends and they can have these great nights every night of the week if they so choose.

 

Is her name on the lease? Start the eviction process to get her out of there. It really depends upon how heavy you want to come down on her about things... after all, she's got coke up in your house and she's an underaged drinker. There's a lot to work with there if you really wanted to be a "swinging richard".

 

 

 

Will her mother allow her to do this in her home? Most of us adults here are telling you that she has to go. You are not a dicque. She is manipulating you. Her sex isn't good enough that you should tolerate this kind of disrespect in your own home.

 

No, she is not on the lease. She moved in after I was already living there.

[theonlyone1]

No.

It is NOT reasonable.

 

 

Stand up for yourself.

 

Her response to this was that she told me her friends were coming. She told me one friend was coming. It turned into 2 friends. She never said drink and her excuse was she didn't know they were gonna drink and didn't know the second friend would come.

 

How do I handle that

[BeatsByDirk]

I broke up with a girl because when she and her best friend lived with me the best friend would party and act like a turd when I needed to be at work by 6:00. I bounced just because she didn't want to do anything about it.(she kicked the roommate out came crying back and waited a year patiently while I fulfilled my new lease agreement with the new rule of no more than 4 sleep overs a week and no more than 2 at her house.)

You are so young there is no reason to be hung up on any girl.

Just pack up her crap, change the locks and put her crap on the doorstep then drop her down to a booty call until you find a new girlfriend.

Don't ever discuss it, you had discussion she doesn't care and she probablyb would tell you whatever you wanted to hear just to buy herself a few more weeks before moving back home.

Even if you want to keep her I would definitely advise giving her the boot and an extreme cold shoulder. She'll definitely comeback and she'll respect what you say because right now your actions have proven to her that she walk all over you and you wont do anything about it and when a GF who gets a free ride feels that way it's not long before she's cheating on you.

[BeatsByDirk]

how do I handle that?

It depends, what do you want out of this relationship.

You are definitely too young to start compromising when you pay most the bills, are disrespected, and there are no kids involved.

It really should be your way or the highway all the time and when you do nice things it's because you are a nice guy and want to do it, don't feel obliged at any point this early in the relationship and remember anything that happens a few times for her it becomes the norm not a special event (going out with friends/having friends over and drinking on week nights)

[theonlyone1]

Thanks. I really appreciate the advice. I will take action

[Ebelskiver]

One thing that really helps you grow up and appreciate other's things and time?

 

Moving out and supporting yourself.

 

She's never had to take care of herself. To her it seems easy. She is too immature to bother with. You won't change her, only time will.

 

Tell her she has to be out by the end of week. Although you might as well change the locks now so you have to be home when she is. With her unreasonable attitude and the alcohol and drugs I could see her trying to trash the place or steal stuff for revenge.

[theonlyone1]

One thing that really helps you grow up and appreciate other's things and time?

 

Moving out and supporting yourself.

 

She's never had to take care of herself. To her it seems easy. She is too immature to bother with. You won't change her, only time will.

 

Tell her she has to be out by the end of week. Although you might as well change the locks now so you have to be home when she is. With her unreasonable attitude and the alcohol and drugs I could see her trying to trash the place or steal stuff for revenge.

 

I could see that happening too. It would need to be done outside of the home.

 

So there's no chance she can change?

[smackie9]

Anyone can change, but it's a matter of WANTING to change......

[pteromom]

She's made me think I'm controlling and being a "dick" to her by bringing up these things. How do I know if I am or if she is just manipulating me into thinking I am

 

Well, some of it IS controlling. Telling someone whether they can or can't go out, who their friends should be, how they should spend their money. Those are all things that you don't have a right to control.

 

HOWEVER - you do have a right to decide what kind of life you want to live and what kind of partner you want.

 

It's not unreasonable to want a partner who respects your need for sleep.

It's not unreasonable to want a partner who pulls her weight and helps pay the bills.

It's not unreasonable to want a partner who is sober and responsible and trustworthy.

 

So you aren't really trying to control her. You are trying to force her to fit into your lifestyle, when she really doesn't.

 

But you can tell her "Here is what I want our life to look like. What about you?"

 

And if she says no, she wants to party and get high and not work and not pay bills, then you have no choice but to cut her loose.

[theonlyone1]

So I cut her loose.

 

Not a great expiernce. I told her I would get her things but she bitched and bitched saying she'll leave quickly. So I let her grab her things. She started to hit and slam doors and not want to leave. Finally I get her to leave (I never laid a finger on her, I was calm).

 

A couple hours later she texts saying how hurt she is and how I'm throwing it All away. How do you not feel guilty in hurting the person you loved,

[bubbaganoosh]

So I cut her loose.

 

Not a great expiernce. I told her I would get her things but she bitched and bitched saying she'll leave quickly. So I let her grab her things. She started to hit and slam doors and not want to leave. Finally I get her to leave (I never laid a finger on her, I was calm).

 

A couple hours later she texts saying how hurt she is and how I'm throwing it All away. How do you not feel guilty in hurting the person you loved,

 

You answer her this way. "Grow up! Get a Job! Get off drugs! I would also let her know that you can do better.

 

My God man, you need to re read your post. Pretend that someone else wrote it and I'll be the house you would be telling that guy to move on.

 

OK she's gone. You got a first class example of what your life would have been down the road if you stuck around with her. The hard part is for you to stick to your guns and be a lot more choosey when looking for a relationship with a girl. You got lucky this time with little to no damage. You might not be so lucky next time.