Ara-bella Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 My boyfriend and I really didnt work out so we said we'd stay friends. He then said he still wanted me so, we should be "friends with benefits and then some." Today we hung out, me with his family, I actually met his grandma for the first time so that was progress. He still introduced me as his gf. She said "are you dating her just to be bf/gf or to marry?" and he goes "it's too early to tell" (been together for year, hes 19) Honestly the whole situation is confusing. But we ended up doing sexual things after, pretty much everything except sex. Problem is, as much as I like him, I really don't think or know if it'll work out in the long run. It's kind of an enjoy it while it lasts thing and I imagine that's exactly how he views it as well. I really DO like and care for him. I don't wanna get hurt though but I enjoy the sexual aspect of things. Any advice on detaching myself? Is this just asking for a bad end result? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Is this just asking for a bad end result? Yup. Having sex with an ex that you are still attached to is a very good way to hurt yourself. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Having sex with an ex that you are still attached to is a very good way to hurt yourself. Speaking from personal experience, I completely agree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HVW_Mark Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Agree with above. FWB won't work until you've had some time apart, hopefully been with a few others, and emotionally detached yourself. The tip for detachment is getting away from him and engaging with others Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Arabella just stop for a minute and think about this. All you have done is down grade yourself from girlfriend to a hole to stick a penis into. Don't be friends with this guy. He is using you to get his rocks off. Let him go and move on. 14 Link to post Share on other sites
J2911 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I have never been in this situation for a reason . I have no desire to be with any ex sexually no matter how rough it gets to be single . An ex is that for a reason. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I don't wanna get hurt though but I enjoy the sexual aspect of things. Any advice on detaching myself? Is this just asking for a bad end result? There is no special method or magic pill to detach yourself emotionally while having sex with someone you were romantically involved with. All you can do is just completely end the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Under those circumstances you can't. All you are doing is trying to convince yourself that if you give him your body eventually his mind & heart will come to you. Instead, he's using you & you're letting him. You can't initially be friends with an EX Stop trying. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 My boyfriend and I really didnt work out so we said we'd stay friends. This line is the key to making it work - if you want to. It didn't work out for a reason, and if that reason is good and still applies, you won't work out in the future, either. Remind yourself of that any time you may be feeling something more, and keep perspective. If the reason changes, and he feels the same, then perhaps this can become a relationship. However, don't expect it or plan on it. And do consider dating other men - you may fall in love for real, and no longer want or need this FWB. Perhaps he can remain a friend, but any new bf is unlikely to be okay with that - just saying! Besides, you are both very young, and should probably have a variety of relationships before making any lasting commitments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Girl, don't detach yourself ON PURPOSE... No, no, no... If you want more than he is giving you, then do yourself a favor and stop being exclusive with him. See other guys!! Don't sacrifice your desire for a loving, committed relationship. But use the time that HE has GIVEN you, by NOT CLAIMING YOU, to see other men, explore life, explore your own likes and dislikes, and date as much as you can fit into your schedule. Focus on making yourself happy and having fun...I PROMISE that this will make you a more attractive woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ara-bella Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 Thanks for the advice guys!! But I think the problem lies in the confusion of where we stand. I don't know if I consider him an "ex" yet because he still seems kind of invested. He asked me to be his valentine, he still says I'm his, gets mad when guys try hitting on me, etc.. when I said "Im glad we're still friends" he said "we're friends with benefits and then some." If he really didn't want to be with me would he still be inviting me out with his whole family?? thoughts? There are times I feel like he's using me for sexual purposes but sometimes I think maybe its more than that still. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Because of your young age, the chances of it lasting "forever" are practically nil anyway. This is a period of escalated change at your age, when people come and go. My suggestion is you get with someone who at least knows he wants to be with you now and realize as you mature, you may outgrow each other. Wouldn't a new relationship be more fun? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) But I think the problem lies in the confusion of where we stand. I don't know if I consider him an "ex" yet because he still seems kind of invested. He asked me to be his valentine, he still says I'm his, gets mad when guys try hitting on me, etc.. You're twisting yourself into a pretzel for this guy. Remember a few weeks ago when you told him you wanted to end it because you both weren't happy and he casually replied that it's X'mas and that he wanted to be yours for at least X'mas time, if that's the option. Remember that casual reponse? Zero fight for you. Only because he wanted company during the happy season? Well, that's the same thing with Valentines. He wants to have someone there for company and comfort. And he gets mad when guys hit on you because it's his way of controlling you. Why would he want some other guy having you when he can have you and all the benefits you deliver without him having to invest any effort or commitment to you? When a guy downgrades you from gf to a fbuddy, there you will stay. when I said "Im glad we're still friends" he said "we're friends with benefits and then some." If he really didn't want to be with me would he still be inviting me out with his whole family?? thoughts? I don't know why people get so hung up just because they get introduced to family. My ex was cheating on me and still taking me to all his family functions. It means nothing. The many threads on LS -- posters often grasping at that fact while the relationship is in shambles. There are times I feel like he's using me for sexual purposes but sometimes I think maybe its more than that still. Yes, he is using you for sex. Everyone can see it. Except you. Edited January 16, 2015 by Zahara 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Go No Contact for at least a month. If after that he asks you to be his GIRLFRIEND again, give it a shot if you want to. Don't bother with anything less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ara-bella Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I do feel used and degraded and I told him I don't think I like the idea of FWB anymore. He said "it seems like we're still in a relationship. You're the only girl I talk to." Should I just be accommodating, but not too accommodating, just in case it could possibly work out, but keep my eyes open for other guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Adele0908 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thanks for the advice guys!! But I think the problem lies in the confusion of where we stand. I don't know if I consider him an "ex" yet because he still seems kind of invested. He asked me to be his valentine, he still says I'm his, gets mad when guys try hitting on me, etc.. when I said "Im glad we're still friends" he said "we're friends with benefits and then some." If he really didn't want to be with me would he still be inviting me out with his whole family?? thoughts? There are times I feel like he's using me for sexual purposes but sometimes I think maybe its more than that still. When you allow a man to string you on like that, he will lose respect for you. If you take this PASSIVE role, accepting *whatever* he gives you...including disrespect...what this communicates to him is that you don't know what you want out of life. It also communicates to him that you don't yet fully love yourself, because when you love yourself, you won't accept disrespect. It also shows that you are not fully in touch with your own emotions. You have not allowed the pain to really sink in, otherwise, you wouldn't stand for his treatment of you. You're still very young, and at your age I felt a lot like you. I didn't know who I was. I wish I had someone to tell me back then that I was worthy just because I was alive. You might have to experience more things to get to self-love. But things that will help you get there include: Embracing your gifts/strengths, becoming really good at something, feeling your emotions, crying when you feel like it, trying new things, taking care of yourself, letting guys treat you well and figuring out what you want out of life. Once you get to self-love, you won't feel like you have to settle for crumbs with men, or wait around for a commitment. Everything will fall into place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ara-bella Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 I suspected that me clinging onto him no matter the circumstance would make him think less of me. Thanks for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Awon Apanilerin Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 Easy. Just become a robot. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 I do feel used and degraded and I told him I don't think I like the idea of FWB anymore. He said "it seems like we're still in a relationship. You're the only girl I talk to." Should I just be accommodating, but not too accommodating, just in case it could possibly work out, but keep my eyes open for other guys? This guy is a douchebag. You tell him you feel degraded and he shuts you up by giving you a moldy crumb - seems like a relationship and you're the only girl I talk to so don't feel degraded while I use you for sex? Are you kidding? Ara-bella, grow a damn backbone. Men like him use women like you. Where is your dignity and self-respect? You admit feeling degraded and used and you're still asking to what extent you should accommodate him!? Just in case it works out? He downgraded you because he sees you good enough to only have sex with. You think at some point he's going promote you and view you as girlfriend material? No. You're the transition woman. While he has sex with you and uses you for fun and comfy times, his eyes will be on the lookout for new and fresh potential. Just like you proposing to keep your eyes open for other guys, what makes you think he's not contemplating doing the same thing?! Wake up for goodness sake. Open your eyes. Get mad. Get strong. Enough of this weak and dependent, almost helpless behavior that keeps you sitting there feeling devalued and living by his terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 FWB deserve care and respect (mutual). Its a terrible idea given that you still have feelings. To me it sounds like his FWB request is just a way for him to use you for fun, without the responsibility that comes with relationships. You deserve so much more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 17, 2015 Share Posted January 17, 2015 My boyfriend and I really didnt work out so we said we'd stay friends. He then said he still wanted me so, we should be "friends with benefits and then some." Today we hung out, me with his family, I actually met his grandma for the first time so that was progress. He still introduced me as his gf. She said "are you dating her just to be bf/gf or to marry?" and he goes "it's too early to tell" (been together for year, hes 19) Honestly the whole situation is confusing. But we ended up doing sexual things after, pretty much everything except sex. Problem is, as much as I like him, I really don't think or know if it'll work out in the long run. It's kind of an enjoy it while it lasts thing and I imagine that's exactly how he views it as well. I really DO like and care for him. I don't wanna get hurt though but I enjoy the sexual aspect of things. Any advice on detaching myself? Is this just asking for a bad end result? It's asking for a bad result. I mean, do you want to be just used by this guy for sex/sexual favors? His language is confusing too...friends with benefits and then some? So, he just wants to use you for sex but he's trying to work the "right" angle with you. Well, apparently he found it since you got intimate with him when he did the whole Grandma introducing, bla bla bla. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ara-bella Posted January 17, 2015 Author Share Posted January 17, 2015 Thanks for the advice everyone. I think i know it's time to drop him.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 But I think the problem lies in the confusion of where we stand. This is where you stand. Up against the wall with your knickers round your ankles when he feels like it and on your own with no one when he doesn't. It is that simple. He is messing about with your head to keep you on good terms so he can keep shagging you with out any commitment. I know I am being very blunt here. But you get a big fat 0 from this while he gets to shag around because your just friends right? Let me tell you friends do not screw with each other that way benefits or no benefits... Good luck OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 I do feel used and degraded and I told him I don't think I like the idea of FWB anymore. He said "it seems like we're still in a relationship. You're the only girl I talk to." Should I just be accommodating, but not too accommodating, just in case it could possibly work out, but keep my eyes open for other guys? He said "it seems like we're still in a relationship". "Seems like" and clearly defining it are two different things. Ask him to define the relationship once and for all. What is he looking for for himself in terms of a relationship? Are you on the same page for yourselves in general. If you want a long-term, quality relationship and he doesn't, you should just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
JChristie Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 just make sure you are using birthcontrol. my friend got pregnant 2 times from breakup sex!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts