How to handle his "ex"

[Nicole11]

My boyfriends ex suddenly appeared back in town. We have been together for a while, a little over a year. They have not dated for about 7 years, give or take, I really don't know.

 

Anyhow, he thinks its perfectly acceptable for the two of them to hang out, or go to lunch or dinner, meet for breakfast. I said, not so fast!! This woman has clearly still feelings for him, and I know that, he knows that we all know that. She NEVER has given me the time of day, not that I care. But suddenly last month she sent me some lame "hey girl' message - I ignored her.

 

We have been arguing over this, I told him flat out I do not go meet any of my ex's for anything, I am civil, polite and say hi if I see them, but I have not once accepted an invitation to go for lunch or drinks, dinner with an ex or any other man since I started dating John. I find it very disrespectful.

 

Am I wrong to be so angry about this? She has accused me of things that were so blatantly not true trying to cause John and I trouble, I do not trust her and he says I should trust him. Its not a trust issue! Its a respect issue. I say any form of meeting her is a 'date' and a deal breaker for me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited January 15, 2015 by Nicole11
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[Satu]

I wouldn't tolerate it.

 

Stick to your guns.

[Nicole11]

I have drawn my line in the sand. No way, no how will I be ok with it. He insists they are just friends. I told him I don't do ultimatums, I will simply walk away with no explanation needed either. He got mad at that. I know they have talked on and off over the past year, I don't care about that, she was far away.

 

This is breaking my heart!

[Redhead14]

My boyfriends ex suddenly appeared back in town. We have been together for a while, a little over a year. They have not dated for about 7 years, give or take, I really don't know.

 

Anyhow, he thinks its perfectly acceptable for the two of them to hang out, or go to lunch or dinner, meet for breakfast. I said, not so fast!! This woman has clearly still feelings for him, and I know that, he knows that we all know that. She NEVER has given me the time of day, not that I care. But suddenly last month she sent me some lame "hey girl' message - I ignored her.

 

We have been arguing over this, I told him flat out I do not go meet any of my ex's for anything, I am civil, polite and say hi if I see them, but I have not once an invitation to go for lunch or drinks since I started dating John. I find it very disrespectful.

 

Am I wrong to be so angry about this? She has accused me of things that were so blatantly not true trying to cause John and I trouble, I do not trust her and he says I should trust him. Its not a trust issue! Its a respect issue. I say any form of meeting her is a 'date' and a deal breaker for me.

 

Thoughts?

 

Well, I agree it's a respect issue. However, you approaching the subject with anger, does not help the situation. If on the whole your relationship is good with him and he otherwise makes you feel secure in the relationship, addressing the situation with anger is maybe a little too strong an approach.

 

It is OK to let him know that you are uncomfortable about the situation but telling him what to do will make him dig his heals in deeper about his position. It is important to just explain your position, why you're uncomfortable about it and simply state that it is causing you anxiety, stress whatever. If he cares for you enough, he will want to do whatever he can to assuage your fears and at the very least cut down the contact with her on his own.

 

If he doesn't do that and fairly quickly, I would not give him an ultimatum, but I would say that it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and have an open honest conversation about where each of you is at now.

 

If he doesn't back off from her, and this is indeed a deal breaker for you, then you should enforce that and not use it like a weapon or tool to manipulate him, as in threatening to give him more time to do what needs to be done, just end it.

[Nicole11]

What has made me so angry is that we talk it out, I tell him how I feel and that there is no grey area. This is his choice. But, he keeps bringing it up, DAILY, on how I should not see it as a date if he were to meet up with her! I say, well in my mind it is. Then he tells me that her and him have some of the same friends and we will be running into her. So? Who cares? I am not saying do not be civil, but NO buddy buddy we are doing this or that.

 

I am not TELLING him what to do, I am expressing my feelings on this topic and his daily defense of it is pissing me off. The more he tries to get me to be ok with it the madder I am getting.

[preraph]

You may have to call his bluff on this. If she's given you a hard time in the past, I agree it's a respect issue. It's one thing if someone from his past is friendly but not trying to cause friction; quite another when she has a history of causing friction. I'm sorry you're going through this. I am friends with exes, but if I was in a committed relationship, I'd handle it bybringing the ex into the loop with the SO and then seeing if there was any basis for them bonding (I have had good luck with this if they has things in common or already knew each other). Otherwise, it was you see an ex only with your SO present and not very often since he doesn't like him or trust him.

 

If you have someone like her who has been manipulative in the past and is probably using everything he tells her to make herself look like the sane one, it's time to walk and see if he lets you. If he does, he was going to her anyway.

[Redhead14]

What has made me so angry is that we talk it out, I tell him how I feel and that there is no grey area. This is his choice. But, he keeps bringing it up, DAILY, on how I should not see it as a date if he were to meet up with her! I say, well in my mind it is. Then he tells me that her and him have some of the same friends and we will be running into her. So? Who cares? I am not saying do not be civil, but NO buddy buddy we are doing this or that.

 

I am not TELLING him what to do, I am expressing my feelings on this topic and his daily defense of it is pissing me off. The more he tries to get me to be ok with it the madder I am getting.

 

Ok, he is digging his heels in and defending his actions and not recognizing your feelings plain and simple.

 

This is your deal breaker, enforce it.

[Nicole11]

I am so hurt! This all has swirled up in the past two weeks. I am still in the 'WTF' stage. He says it would NOT be a date and they are 'just friends'. What ever.

[kendahke]

My boyfriends ex suddenly appeared back in town. We have been together for a while, a little over a year. They have not dated for about 7 years, give or take, I really don't know.

 

Anyhow, he thinks its perfectly acceptable for the two of them to hang out, or go to lunch or dinner, meet for breakfast. I said, not so fast!! This woman has clearly still feelings for him, and I know that, he knows that we all know that. She NEVER has given me the time of day, not that I care. But suddenly last month she sent me some lame "hey girl' message - I ignored her.

 

We have been arguing over this, I told him flat out I do not go meet any of my ex's for anything, I am civil, polite and say hi if I see them, but I have not once accepted an invitation to go for lunch or drinks, dinner with an ex or any other man since I started dating John. I find it very disrespectful.

 

Am I wrong to be so angry about this? She has accused me of things that were so blatantly not true trying to cause John and I trouble, I do not trust her and he says I should trust him. Its not a trust issue! Its a respect issue. I say any form of meeting her is a 'date' and a deal breaker for me.

 

Thoughts?

 

I agree with you. Ex's are ex's for a reason.

 

Yes, it's inappropriate for him to be meeting with his ex without you for anything other than discussing children. However, it appears that he wants to engage in this behavior, and intends to do so from what you've written, so he's going to do what he's going to do despite how you feel about it--and he knows how you feel about it. He can't say he doesn't/didn't know. That means if it disrespects you, he expect you to just go walk it off and get over it while you're at it. So it looks like you have a deal breaking situation laid out in front of you. Question to you is: are you a woman of your word or are you just talking smack?

 

Stop arguing with him. Might be a good time to step back and give this relationship a good, long rethink. No man who is into you will allow his ex to trample his relationship with you. He is giving her more latitude than she deserves.

[Nicole11]

I have no choice to but to walk if he won't respect my feelings. I just can't believe he'd do this to me. But then I guess this is the first serious hurdle we are facing, time to see what he his made of for real beyond the wine and roses. Oh sure we've had gripes here or there, stupid stuff but this topic to me is a "we best settle this here and now". Its just hard because it came up so fast, and I feel Im spinning right now.

[Standard-Fare]

Question: How much of a dealbreaker is this for you? Is it something you would break up with him over?

 

Because if you two keep having these circular arguments about this topic and getting nowhere, and he truly seems unwilling to budge, the only way you're going to enforce any change is to show him that it IS a big deal and that you're DEAD serious. Meaning, you have to leave him. And see if he finally takes it to heart.

 

Or maybe a conversation strongly pointing at this possibility would be just as effective. "I'm really considering leaving you over this. I'm not going to force any ultimatums, but if you want to keep doing this I can't stand by and watch it. It's a dealbreaker."

 

If you're not willing to take that big of a step, I'm afraid you two might just find yourselves caught in this endless loop of conflict.

[Nicole11]

Yes I have told him I would leave with out so much as a good bye. He gets upset at that and said "You'd throw us away over this?" I said "its your choice"

 

He said he will not see her one on one, but his crazy defense of the whole situation every day is telling me either they have plans to meet or they already have or I am losing my mind.

 

It has to be a deal breaker. I won't live my life feeling the way I do right now. scared, insecure, foolish wondering WTF??

Edited January 15, 2015 by Nicole11

[Standard-Fare]

OK, well, that's progress if he's agreed to not meet with her one-on-one. I guess the other thing you want be sure of is that they're not corresponding with each other a lot via text, gchat, Facebook, whatever.

 

What reasons do you have not to trust him on these conditions? Do you think your doubts are reasonable or do you think it's possible you're letting your emotions get the best of you?

 

I think you should give him a shot to see how he follows through with these things and respects your feelings. Try to keep quiet on the subject for a little bit. Of course you'll continue to monitor it privately to see if there's any improvement, or whether the problem remains the same.

[Nicole11]

I do not like how she throws herself at him, its insulting and I feel very dissed. She has flat out said to him in the past she wants him back. I am very emotional about it right now, and am not sure I reacting right. I feel very threatened.

 

I will let this slide and see what happens. I think that is good advice, give him enough rope to hang himself I guess.

[Nolan 93]

I hate people who think its okay to hang out with an ex while they are in a relationship. If he cant see that this is hurting you then maybe he wants to hang out with his ex hoping to reconcile.

 

Honestly I good loving boyfriend wouldn't even asked if It was okay to go hang out. He should know that he has you now.

 

My ex was just like this always being selfish and asking to do things and of course know that Im not okay with. What happened she learned that it was wrong to do things I wouldn't like, and she changed. But shortly she ran into her ex and bam was confused and left me. Nine months gone like that, so no leave his ass for even thinking of wanting to hang out with the ex. Very disrespectful if you ask me.

[veggirl]

Why does he want to hang out with her SO badly? I mean they broke up 7 years ago? Have they been in contact consistently that whole time?

[darkmoon]

if you argue it will get back to her, he will tell her, then she knows it is going her way, one arguement too many and people get fed up

 

save your peace of mind

 

psyche youreself up to see him in a casual light, he does not sound like the best boyf around anyway, demote hm from THE boyf to A boyf and privately look for other options

[applej4]

OP, it sounds like he still wants to be with her on some level. Could be he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You’ve made it clear how you feel. You keep giving him ultimatums but you keep putting up with him spending time with his ex. And she “somehow” got your phone number. Hmmmm, interesting. You just keep making threats and getting angrier and more hurt. Actions speak louder than words. Kick him to the curb.

[HVW_Mark]

Allright Nicole, it seems I'm on the other side of the pallate with this one. My gf (whom Ive been seeing close to a year) catches up with her ex (who absolutely, unequivicolly, still wants her, they dated 4 years) on a semi-regular basis. One of the nights he got drunk in a group setting with her, ended up crashing at hers (because she said he wasn't safe to leave, which I think is 100% fair), and he tried to kiss her a couple of times before passing out. Did she do anything? Nope. I trust her 100%, and she wants to maintain a relationship with someone who was really frickin important in her life. She still cares about him, and I do feel a bit bad for the guy.

 

Who am I to tell my gf which friends she can and can't have? I want whats going to make her happy! I am one of those things, but a good circle of friends is another. I encourage her to catch up with him occasionally.. every couple of months etc.. Because balance and friends are so important and it would be a shame for someone whom she shared a big part of her life with to be lost completely to her. Obv, we've had a chat where she has unequivicolly stated she would never date him again, so I trust her around him and any other guys. And you know what? If she ever did do something, that'd be her fckin loss. She knows that . Same if I did something with my ex (who i don't catch up with)

 

Point is. If I had given her an ultimatum, she would have been very, very displeased. Walked out? I'm not sure.. but she would take it as me not trusting her, limiting her friends, and reducing the balance in our relationship. And I completely agree.

Edited January 16, 2015 by HVW_Mark

[FitChick]

There is a saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I'd tell him he could see her but only in group situations (where others could report back to you if they see anything dodgy) or with you. I'd act very cozy with your boyfriend in front of her, so she'd see you were a strong couple. I'd also suggest that you and your boyfriend try to fix her up on a blind date, or offer to take pictures of her for her dating profile and help her write it. Watch the reactions of both of them.

Edited January 16, 2015 by FitChick

[HVW_Mark]

There is a saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." I'd tell him he could see her but only in group situations (where others could report back to you if they see anything dodgy) or with you. I'd act very cozy with your boyfriend in front of her, so she'd see you were a strong couple. I'd also suggest that you and your boyfriend try to fix her up on a blind date, or offer to take pictures of her for her dating profile and help her write it. Watch the reactions of both of them.

 

This is so manipulative. Do we not trust the boyfriend here or do we? If my girl and me were catching up with my ex in a group environment (which I agree, is perfectly reasonable) and she started being off the chart couply with me (with the basic premise of pissing off one of my friends) it would really annoy me and make me not want to hang out with them at the same time. It comes off as so insecure.

[preraph]

^ True in some circumstances, but this girl is after him, has said she wants him back and has tried running this girl off in some way. It's not fair to have to put up with that.

 

At least go out with other people, Nicole, and let him get a taste of his own medicine.

[HVW_Mark]

It always takes two though. People say "I trust him, I just don't trust her" which I think is a total copout. If you trust him, she is ABSOLUTELY irrelevent.

 

I agree, spending time with more of your male friends will get you guys some more balance. But not because your trying to 'get back at him'. That's really low behaviour. Do it only because you miss them genuinly want to see them.

[Ieris]

@ Nicole11 - Don't argue about it anymore, the more you tell him no the more likely he's going to do it. You've said what you needed to say so back off now and drop the topic completely. Don't let someone insignificant wreck havoc in your life and come between you two, don't give her that power.

 

I know you're hurt and disappointed in how he is handling things, but just sit back and see how it plays out. It might be nothing and you're letting it stress you out, causing problems between you and your boyfriend. It only makes you look paranoid and insecure. Have some confidence in yourself and your relationship.

 

Pull back, stay calm and have a think about if this is the kind of guy you want to be with x

[Danda]

I think the context matters.

 

- Ex is brazenly disrespectful to his girlfriend.

- Ex wants to get back together with him and it's obvious.

- Ex hasn't been part of the social package from the beginning.

 

I can see why OP's feathers are ruffled, for sure. That was a fuse right there, that could have been clipped or lit.

 

And her boyfriend lit it when he invalidated her feelings and chose hanging out with an ex who he hasn't been hanging out with before, who wants in his pants and who disrespects his girlfriend, over his girlfriend's feelings.

 

To me that is different from getting together with someone who already hangs out with their ex as a friend, whose ex is respectful and genuinely sociable, and whose ex is not trying to get in their pants.