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! He Lied About His Living Situation


RainyDaze

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Background: At this point, my divorce papers had been filed, but I hadn't left my home yet. The STBX and I lived separate lives and I was arranging my living situation.

 

I was dragged to a party by my coworker. At the party I met a guy and we talked all evening. At the end of the night he asked for my #. I declined, telling him I was going through a divorce and still hadn't moved out. He understood and said he hoped to keep in touch in the future.

 

Not too long afterwards, we unexpectedly encountered each other again. This time, we exchanged info. I was upfront about my emotional and living situation because I didn't want there to be any confusion.

 

A few weeks after we met, my apt became available. I moved out of my home and into a small studio. My apt isn't the best, but I've been open and honest about everything.

 

During this time, he told me he lived with his male cousin. We never hung out at either of our places, always at a restaurant or event. I but I didn't think much of it. I was really interested in developing a true friendship and didnt think we needed to rush into anything.

 

After awhile, I began to feel that something wasn't right. He would have inconsistencies with his stories and I asked repeatedly if there was more to his living situation than what he was telling me. Each time, he denied it.

 

Eventually, I told him that either I see his place or we stop spending time together. He admitted that he originally lived with his cousin and his cousin's fiance, but the cousin moved out and now it's just him on the couch. He swears there's nothing romantic there. Oddly, I believe that there's nothing romantic-i believe it's more of a temporary financial thing. I thought he'd lied about a cousin ever existing, but I learned that that the back story was true.

 

Here are my concerns: 1) I am hurt that i was honest about my situation while he was dishonest about his.

 

2) I find it hard to trust him. He knows he was wrong for lying; , but he doesn't think I have a reason to distrust him, since he has had no romantic interaction with this woman. He thinksI'm only concerned about it from a romantic point of view.

I'm upset about the dishonesty, period.

 

He says he didnt tell me after awhile because he knew I'd be upset and he didn't want to lose our friendship. He also says he was ashamed and embarrassed his living situation and was trying to hurry and get out of there.

 

Since then, he's been 100% transparent. Still, I find myself doubting him a lot and being insecure. He takes responsibility for adding to my lack of trust (I think I already had trust issues).

 

I LOVE spending time with him and I really think he's a great guy and a lot of fun. Still, I worry that my distrust will cause issues. Should I let him go, give myself time to think, and trust that the God and/ or the Universe will let things work out in the end?

 

Or, should I give him a chance to regain my trust? Our relationship is still slowly growing, but it's getting more serious. It's been about 7mos.

 

Pls be honest but NICE! Thanks

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Background: At this point, my divorce papers had been filed, but I hadn't left my home yet. The STBX and I lived separate lives and I was arranging my living situation.

 

I was dragged to a party by my coworker. At the party I met a guy and we talked all evening. At the end of the night he asked for my #. I declined, telling him I was going through a divorce and still hadn't moved out. He understood and said he hoped to keep in touch in the future.

 

Not too long afterwards, we unexpectedly encountered each other again. This time, we exchanged info. I was upfront about my emotional and living situation because I didn't want there to be any confusion.

 

A few weeks after we met, my apt became available. I moved out of my home and into a small studio. My apt isn't the best, but I've been open and honest about everything.

 

During this time, he told me he lived with his male cousin. We never hung out at either of our places, always at a restaurant or event. I but I didn't think much of it. I was really interested in developing a true friendship and didnt think we needed to rush into anything.

 

After awhile, I began to feel that something wasn't right. He would have inconsistencies with his stories and I asked repeatedly if there was more to his living situation than what he was telling me. Each time, he denied it.

 

Eventually, I told him that either I see his place or we stop spending time together. He admitted that he originally lived with his cousin and his cousin's fiance, but the cousin moved out and now it's just him on the couch. He swears there's nothing romantic there. Oddly, I believe that there's nothing romantic-i believe it's more of a temporary financial thing. I thought he'd lied about a cousin ever existing, but I learned that that the back story was true.

 

Here are my concerns: 1) I am hurt that i was honest about my situation while he was dishonest about his.

 

2) I find it hard to trust him. He knows he was wrong for lying; , but he doesn't think I have a reason to distrust him, since he has had no romantic interaction with this woman. He thinksI'm only concerned about it from a romantic point of view.

I'm upset about the dishonesty, period.

 

He says he didnt tell me after awhile because he knew I'd be upset and he didn't want to lose our friendship. He also says he was ashamed and embarrassed his living situation and was trying to hurry and get out of there.

 

Since then, he's been 100% transparent. Still, I find myself doubting him a lot and being insecure. He takes responsibility for adding to my lack of trust (I think I already had trust issues).

 

I LOVE spending time with him and I really think he's a great guy and a lot of fun. Still, I worry that my distrust will cause issues. Should I let him go, give myself time to think, and trust that the God and/ or the Universe will let things work out in the end?

 

Or, should I give him a chance to regain my trust? Our relationship is still slowly growing, but it's getting more serious. It's been about 7mos.

 

Pls be honest but NICE! Thanks

 

I don't think I can give you the best advice at all bc of the person I am who lives by the one chance rule.

My opinion is that you were open and honest which is the right thing to do. He was not . He lied to you which if you lie in the beginning you will lie in the middle and the end as well .

My opinion is find an honest person.

You seem to like him and believe he is now honest with you and sorry for his lie . If I were not so jaded I would read this and say give him another chance and if he does it again run .

Just be careful and observant to not get lied to again .

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if you can't trust him, why be with him?

 

you're kneecapping yourself before running a marathon by doing that.

 

If you can't abide the lies, stop dealing with him. Get your life on track the way you want to live it.

 

In order to keep dealing with him, you are going to have to get to a place where his transparency eclipses his initial deceit and you proceed contentedly and quietly in this relationship with this man. And yeah, he may have had some good reasons for why he said what he said, but still---all he needed to say was "I'm uncomfortable discussing that at this time" or to stop dealing with you if his arrangement is that messy until it's been well and sorted.

 

If you can't get past the initial deceit, then do yourself a huge favor and cut your losses and move on. Nothing in the world is going to make the earth spin backwards for a do-over the moment before he chose to lie to you.

Edited by kendahke
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These responses are very thoughtful and really honest. Thank you both for taking time to reply! I really appreciate your time and insight.

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if you can't trust him, why be with him?

 

you're kneecapping yourself before running a marathon by doing that.

 

If you can't abide the lies, stop dealing with him. Get your life on track the way you want to live it.

 

In order to keep dealing with him, you are going to have to get to a place where his transparency eclipses his initial deceit and you proceed contentedly and quietly in this relationship with this man. And yeah, he may have had some good reasons for why he said what he said, but still---all he needed to say was "I'm uncomfortable discussing that at this time" or to stop dealing with you if his arrangement is that messy until it's been well and sorted.

 

If you can't get past the initial deceit, then do yourself a huge favor and cut your losses and move on. Nothing in the world is going to make the earth spin backwards for a do-over the moment before he chose to lie to you.

 

The need for transparency to eclipse the deceipt is really on point. Very well said, thank you!

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I think he was embarrassed because he is poor. Man's pride and all that. He also might have been hoping to find a place elsewhere before you found out, knowing how you'd react. If you really like him, offer to go apartment hunting with him or, if he can't afford his own place, look at houses where he could rent a room. If he refused to move to a better place, then I'd be concerned there was more going on. If he was totally broke, that is an entirely different problem -- you don't want him moving in with you or having to lend him money.

 

By the way, have you met his roommate? You could get a better feel for the situation by seeing them together.

Edited by FitChick
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I LOVE spending time with him and I really think he's a great guy and a lot of fun. Still, I worry that my distrust will cause issues. Should I let him go, give myself time to think, and trust that the God and/ or the Universe will let things work out in the end?

 

Or, should I give him a chance to regain my trust? Our relationship is still slowly growing, but it's getting more serious. It's been about 7mos.

 

Pls be honest but NICE! Thanks

 

 

If he told you he was living with another woman would you have given him a chance initially? Can you honestly say you have never lied to someone you had dated before?

 

I don't condone his action but lets just be human for a second and try to put ourselves in his shoes. He is a man, living with a woman that he is not related to but he becomes interested in another woman he met in the party. He is already down on his luck and probably wondering how will he get to meet a nice woman in his current living situation. He meets a woman. Should he tell her he lives with another woman and almost certainly scare her away?

 

Often time we are just too quick to dismiss a person. Read your quote above. It should hold a lot of weight in your final decision but I agree that if you can't trust him, and often we can't control our level of trust, then you should let him be. It can be a lot of torture being in a relationship with someone who isn't strong enough to let you go but keep you around and inflict a non-trusting attitude on you.

 

My advice is to forgive him and truly forgive. We have to learn to really forgive sometimes.

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Background: At this point, my divorce papers had been filed, but I hadn't left my home yet. The STBX and I lived separate lives and I was arranging my living situation.

 

I was dragged to a party by my coworker. At the party I met a guy and we talked all evening. At the end of the night he asked for my #. I declined, telling him I was going through a divorce and still hadn't moved out. He understood and said he hoped to keep in touch in the future.

 

Not too long afterwards, we unexpectedly encountered each other again. This time, we exchanged info. I was upfront about my emotional and living situation because I didn't want there to be any confusion.

 

A few weeks after we met, my apt became available. I moved out of my home and into a small studio. My apt isn't the best, but I've been open and honest about everything.

 

During this time, he told me he lived with his male cousin. We never hung out at either of our places, always at a restaurant or event. I but I didn't think much of it. I was really interested in developing a true friendship and didnt think we needed to rush into anything.

 

After awhile, I began to feel that something wasn't right. He would have inconsistencies with his stories and I asked repeatedly if there was more to his living situation than what he was telling me. Each time, he denied it.

 

Eventually, I told him that either I see his place or we stop spending time together. He admitted that he originally lived with his cousin and his cousin's fiance, but the cousin moved out and now it's just him on the couch. He swears there's nothing romantic there. Oddly, I believe that there's nothing romantic-i believe it's more of a temporary financial thing. I thought he'd lied about a cousin ever existing, but I learned that that the back story was true.

 

Here are my concerns: 1) I am hurt that i was honest about my situation while he was dishonest about his.

 

2) I find it hard to trust him. He knows he was wrong for lying; , but he doesn't think I have a reason to distrust him, since he has had no romantic interaction with this woman. He thinksI'm only concerned about it from a romantic point of view.

I'm upset about the dishonesty, period.

 

He says he didnt tell me after awhile because he knew I'd be upset and he didn't want to lose our friendship. He also says he was ashamed and embarrassed his living situation and was trying to hurry and get out of there.

 

Since then, he's been 100% transparent. Still, I find myself doubting him a lot and being insecure. He takes responsibility for adding to my lack of trust (I think I already had trust issues).

 

I LOVE spending time with him and I really think he's a great guy and a lot of fun. Still, I worry that my distrust will cause issues. Should I let him go, give myself time to think, and trust that the God and/ or the Universe will let things work out in the end?

 

Or, should I give him a chance to regain my trust? Our relationship is still slowly growing, but it's getting more serious. It's been about 7mos.

 

Pls be honest but NICE! Thanks

 

This is very simple. Meet the cousin and see his place. If I were to do that and it all checks out, any mistrust I feel would go out the window instantly.

 

Until then, I honestly, would assume he's married/committed to the woman he lives with.

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Although lying is a problem no matter the reason, I generally understand the possible embarrassment and/or fear of scaring you away by admitting he lived with another woman.

 

But what stands out to me, is the fact that you were upfront with your own less-than-ideal and potentially oft-putting living situation. Sure he might have felt embarrassed, but you could have too. Instead of taking the coward's escape, you were honest with him. He also had what seemed to be a good opportunity to commiserate with you and admit that he also had a non-conventional living situation.

 

Also: He could have initially told you he lived with his cousin and cousin's fiancee, but instead just mentioned the male cousin. To me, this is additional reason for concern and suspicion: one lie morphing into another.

 

Did his cousin & fiancee break-up or something? Either way, it's bizarre to me that he's living with her instead of his cousin. If you decide to give him another chance, definitely see his place and meet his roommate (if you haven't already). If he refuses that, I'd walk away.

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Also: He could have initially told you he lived with his cousin and cousin's fiancee, but instead just mentioned the male cousin. To me, this is additional reason for concern and suspicion: one lie morphing into another.

 

Very true! This makes me think that there never was a "cousin," and that it was only the "fiance."

 

To the others-thanks so much for posting your advice! I've mentioned meeting the roommate/fiance, and he says that she's unimportant and that I've met all of his close friends. I've talked with him late into the evening, we've stayed out late, and the roommate has been in the background when we've been on the phone. Wouldn't she give him a hard time? He also leased a car for the mysterious cousin, but he found out that the fiance was the one financing it...so the car is in his name, but the fiance is the one who drives it.

 

Smh. The more I type, the more I want to hit myself in the head with a brick.This is a mess.

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todreaminblue

every one makes mistakes ...he made a mistake by lying to you about his living arrangement......ui understand that lying is hard to trust the truth when it is being told....give him a chance as you seem to believe he is beingtransparent now....he probably is......so allow yourself to trust him until he proves otherwise....you knew before eh was lying if he lies again you will know..trust your own intuition on what to do .......deb

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So...this fiancee (of a cousin who may not exist) whom he lives with sans cousin (although he sleeps on the couch) has leased a car for him...or he has inadvertently leased a car for her? He is purportedly sleeping on the couch, so there's one bed in the place.

 

Where's the cousin??? Doesn't it seem a little odd that the cousin, if he exists, left or got booted, and he's still living many months later with this fiancee.

 

Have you met this fiancee or been to his place yet? I hate to say this, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a committed relationship with this woman and cheating with you on the side.

 

The story doesn't make any sense.

 

Very true! This makes me think that there never was a "cousin," and that it was only the "fiance."

 

To the others-thanks so much for posting your advice! I've mentioned meeting the roommate/fiance, and he says that she's unimportant and that I've met all of his close friends. I've talked with him late into the evening, we've stayed out late, and the roommate has been in the background when we've been on the phone. Wouldn't she give him a hard time? He also leased a car for the mysterious cousin, but he found out that the fiance was the one financing it...so the car is in his name, but the fiance is the one who drives it.

 

Smh. The more I type, the more I want to hit myself in the head with a brick.This is a mess.

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Any chance you can ask the fiance if anything was going on? Sounds like he was just embarrassed he was too broke for his own place, but you're right; the lying is the worst part. See if you can find her Facebook or the guy's and see what's up there to ease your mind. He shouldn't have lied. Also, you need to go over there whether he wants you to or not and find out what the living conditions are. What if he's a horrible pig or what if it looks really cozy with him and her. Smartphones make it too easy for guys to cheat. In the days of home phones, it was a simple matter to find out what's up.

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So...this fiancee (of a cousin who may not exist) whom he lives with sans cousin (although he sleeps on the couch) has leased a car for him...or he has inadvertently leased a car for her? He is purportedly sleeping on the couch, so there's one bed in the place.

 

This made me crack up. Seeing it described like this shows the ridiculousness of situation.

 

I am trying to get myself together piece by piece...I definitely want to love again, but i have a tendency to romanticize situations. When I was apartment hunting, I would see an old worn down building and crappy landlord and think the place was charming and quaint with potential. I think I do the same thing with men =\

 

I don't know if it matters or not, but this guy is 11 years older than me. In group settings, I've seen him eat a large portion of food but only contribute minimum amount to the bill. LOL I know I'm nit picking now, but that bothers me!

 

You all have been pretty nice, considering how naive I've been. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

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I have tried to put myself into his situation.

 

IF I happened to live with a man platonically, then I would be upfront. I would say this is my roommate. I would introduce him and we could all go for drinks/coffee or hang out in the apartment together sometimes.

 

IF he was my bf or I was sleeping with him, I would hide him away, as risking confrontation or the cat being let out of the bag, would be a big worry for me.

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Poppygoodwill
I've mentioned meeting the roommate/fiance, and he says that she's unimportant and that I've met all of his close friends. I've talked with him late into the evening, we've stayed out late, and the roommate has been in the background when we've been on the phone. Wouldn't she give him a hard time? He also leased a car for the mysterious cousin, but he found out that the fiance was the one financing it...so the car is in his name, but the fiance is the one who drives it.

 

Smh. The more I type, the more I want to hit myself in the head with a brick.This is a mess.

 

I could believe that he didn't want to confess his crappy living situation off the bat, when he was getting to know you. But I can't believe that once it's all out in the open, he would still decline to take you home and let you meet this woman. Honestly, that to me is the huge red flag. Even if she's unimportant - which is a weird thing to say about someone - it's still where he lives and he's comign back from having lied to you, so the most natural thing in teh world for an honest man to do is say, 'c'mon over for a drink before we go out' so you can see the place and see that it's on the up and up.

 

I smell I rat. He could be telling her anythign about you to explain you away, and maybe she's as naive as you are ;)

 

If I were you I would insist on going to where he lives and meeting her. As soon as you see the bathroom, where his stuff is piled, whether there are sheets for someone to sleep on couch, or not...you'll know the score.

 

please don't go any further in your heart or mind until you get clarity on this.

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If he lived with his cousin and his cousin's fiancee, why wouldn't he have moved in with his cousin when the couple split? Perhaps they are FWB.

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I'm going to make this as simple as possible because I don't think this needs any discussion......if it doesn't feel right, then it's not....follow your gut instinct not your heart.

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  • 1 month later...
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Sooo....update:

 

I repeatedly asked him if I could meet the roommate or see the apartment. Neither request was granted. He has so many excuses for denying my requests. Also, he's been claiming that he's moving "any day now." I mentioned that he said he was moving ever since December, and he got kind of uptight about it. I told him that I was asking about his place not because I wanted to invade his space, but because I wanted to see him actually do what he says he's going to do.

 

After this conversation he stopped texting and calling as often. It went from like every day to twice a week. I asked what was up and he claimed to be busy. After a couple of weeks of this, I told him that I didn't like how he made me feel. He acted like the most immature child...throwing out one liners and saying random things off the top of his head. I was so sad that he could act this way but I just said goodbye.

 

Later in the day, he sent a random text about something funny that he wanted to share. I didn't respond. The next day he texted and asked if we could meet. I was tempted but I still didnt respond. I've never given the silent treatment to anyone because i think it's cruel..in this case, however, I'm not responding because I hate the way he makes me feel. Maybe i was being too needy or pushy, but I'll figure that out on my own.

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BlackOpsZombieGirl

Wow, so many awesome responses here! I have "liked" a few of them and each of them were different from one another!

 

I would say for you to truly forgive him and to give him another shot. I would ask him if he can take you to his cousin's fiancee's place so you can see where he's living and, if possible, for you to also meet his cousin's fiancee. A woman's intuition is usually right on target, and by meeting her as well as seeing how he's currently living, you can get a feel for his environment as well as seeing the both of them interacting with each other. If your gut tells you that something's a little (or a lot) "off" about this living arrangement, then you can make a decision about him then. Or, if everything seems on the up-and-up and your gut tells you that he's being honest with you about this current living situation, then hopefully your trust in him will increase.

 

I like the other poster's idea about going apartment hunting with him (if he'd be comfy with that idea)! But please, do NOT let him move in with you, okay? No matter how much you like him and trust him, don't let him move in with you; because it could turn out to be a disaster.

 

Anyways, good luck with your date! And honestly, try to forgive him for the initial lie he told you. Not saying this justifies him lying to you - but if you look at it from his position, you can probably see why he did lie to you about his living situation, it is pretty weird and um...embarrassing!:o

 

 

**Oops, I didn't realize how old this thread was! I guess I take back everything I said above. Sorry he turned out to be an untrustworthy person, OP. :(

 

 

.

Edited by BlackOpsZombieGirl
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CrystalShine2011

I think you should give him a second chance to earn your trust and build the relationship. Everyone makes mistake...and if he makes you happy then great! :)

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[quote=

**Oops, I didn't realize how old this thread was! I guess I take back everything I said above. Sorry he turned out to be an untrustworthy person, OP. :(

.

 

Haha it's ok. Thanks for replying. Yeah...after so many excuses I was like "whatever." It hurts though. I really liked him but I hated feeling like I was crazy for wanting to see his place or for being disappointed when days went by that I didn't hear from him. Ah well.

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  • 1 month later...
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SoI noticed that my doubts and mistrust were making me suspicious of everything he did. I asked him one last time to see his place. He told me I just needed to trust him. Basically, he wanted me to just forget my concerns and throw caution to the wind. If he wanted trust, he should show me the apartment and let me meet the "roommate!" Not that difficult, right?

 

We haven't talked in weeks. He stopped calling, texting, etc. If he was in a romantic relationship with the roommate, how was he able to spend so much time with me?

 

Also, why would he invite me to meet his friends and family if he's in a relationship? All I can assume is that he's lying to his family about the type of relationship he has with the roommate. Wouldn't he be afraid that they'd slip and say something while we were hanging out?

 

Either way, I feel good because I set boundaries for myself. I'm not yet as strong as I'd like, but I'm not where I was. I was repeating a similar pattern to what I've done in the past. I decided I'm not going to try to keep "crazy" in my life. If it wants to leave, good riddance.

Edited by RainyDaze
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Whether he was doin the roommate or not, he didn't treat you the way you wanted to be treated. He was acting sketchy, mysterious, vague, etc......who needs that?

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SoI noticed that my doubts and mistrust were making me suspicious of everything he did. I asked him one last time to see his place. He told me I just needed to trust him. Basically, he wanted me to just forget my concerns and throw caution to the wind. If he wanted trust, he should show me the apartment and let me meet the "roommate!" Not that difficult, right?

 

We haven't talked in weeks. He stopped calling, texting, etc. If he was in a romantic relationship with the roommate, how was he able to spend so much time with me?

 

Also, why would he invite me to meet his friends and family if he's in a relationship? All I can assume is that he's lying to his family about the type of relationship he has with the roommate. Wouldn't he be afraid that they'd slip and say something while we were hanging out?

 

Either way, I feel good because I set boundaries for myself. I'm not yet as strong as I'd like, but I'm not where I was. I was repeating a similar pattern to what I've done in the past. I decided I'm not going to try to keep "crazy" in my life. If it wants to leave, good riddance.

 

Rainy, I am late ..but I have read all the posts and just wanted to say you did absolutely the right thing!!!

 

Good luck going forward, there is a great big world out there full of awesome men...not this bozo, who frankly I think is full of crap and hiding something very significant.

 

Good job! :bunny: :bunny:

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