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Do you hold someones past against them?


LoveIsMyReligion

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LoveIsMyReligion

A friend of mine asked me for some advice and I wasn't sure how to respond... hoping to get some input on here.

 

A girl had her feelings hurt after a guy she was dating left her for someone else. To get back at him she slept with his brother.

 

This was about 8-9 months ago before my buddy started dating her. When he asked her apparently she fessed up to everything and was very embarrassed and apologetic; saying that it was one of the biggest mistakes she's made. They are both 22.

 

What would you all suggest? This seems like something that would take place on a talk-show... Personally I wouldn't be able to shake the fact that she has slept with 11 guys and did this type of thing at such a young age. I want to say run for the hills but sometimes I am too quick to judge. Has she really learned or is he in for the ride of his life?

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JuneJulySeptember
A friend of mine asked me for some advice and I wasn't sure how to respond... hoping to get some input on here.

 

A girl had her feelings hurt after a guy she was dating left her for someone else. To get back at him she slept with his brother.

 

This was about 8-9 months ago before my buddy started dating her. When he asked her apparently she fessed up to everything and was very embarrassed and apologetic; saying that it was one of the biggest mistakes she's made. They are both 22.

 

What would you all suggest? This seems like something that would take place on a talk-show... Personally I wouldn't be able to shake the fact that she has slept with 11 guys and did this type of thing at such a young age. I want to say run for the hills but sometimes I am too quick to judge. Has she really learned or is he in for the ride of his life?

 

Depends on what it is.

 

The example you gave is really bad.

 

If I found out some woman I was dating slept with her boyfriends brother out of spite, I'd be done with her.

 

Even if she was perfect in every other way, I would fight as much as possible to be done with her. I'd rather date somebody who had a criminal past than that. Possibly even felony or violent depending on the circumstances.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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To get back at him she slept with his brother.

 

Nasty....what a dump way to get revenge. All this establishes is that she village bicycle, and likes to keep it in the family. I guess next time she will bring her mom and sister to the party :rolleyes:

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Absolutely not.

 

The fact that she admits it was a huge mistake shows that it was a lesson she learned. And because learning from our lessons and failures is what make us stronger, happier, and better people - she is likely a stronger, happier, and better person than before.

 

If she hadn't learned anything from it and felt that it was the 'right' thing to do or tried to justify it somehow, then I would be worried.

 

That's not to say there may not be other lessons waiting for her to learn, but he can't let that hold him back from a relationship with her if he likes her.

 

"You were not in her past, so you don’t know why she did what she did, what she was thinking, and where she was in her life. She did the best she could with the knowledge she had, and if she is a good person now, that means she learned a lot from her past about who she is and who she wants to be." -Source

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The example given is too recent in time to really have grown and learned from, in my opinion.

 

In 10 years, I wouldn't hold it against her though.

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You said she has slept with 11 guys since a young age now in her 20s. See there are many women out there like this with a past. Some still doing it into they're 30s. Why do they do it because that's all they know how to do. Can't really change their mindset over it too. In my life I ran across 3 women like this. The last one told me she'll continue doing it, because she doesn't see any reason not too do it. Her mom did why shouldn't she. That right there is really troubling to hear.

 

If your friend is the type of guy who doesn't care about her past, then it's up to him to decided. You can't tell him what to do. Of course if this was me it won't be happening. Again your looking at also Serial Cheater because what's to stop her from being with you and then having multi-BF all around just waiting for her to be free.

 

But in any case your friend found out right out her mouth what she's been doing. Most met don't find out until it's too late. But her past might not be the end of this story. If something happens to make her do it again she'll do it! She can't help herself not do do it.

 

Best to find someone more stable and has morals if that's what he seeks!

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JuneJulySeptember

Cheating in other circumstances might get a pass.

 

"I f@cked my boyfriends brother to get back at him." shows a type of personality and life view that is incompatible with mine. That side of people doesn't really change that much.

 

However, there's plenty of other people she would be compatible with.

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Maybe sleeping with his brother gave her back some power in her own head and stopped her from wallowing in her own self-pity sooner.

 

In which case I'd say good job! It's better than feeling like a victim.

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Cheating in other circumstances might get a pass.

 

"I f@cked my boyfriends brother to get back at him." shows a type of personality and life view that is incompatible with mine. That side of people doesn't really change that much.

 

However, there's plenty of other people she would be compatible with.

 

Only a small town person from the boonies will think / condone it's OK to sleep with someone's brother to get back at them...there are some freaks / idiotic people out there :rolleyes: I mean if she banged his friend may be, but his brother?

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JuneJulySeptember
Only a small town person from the boonies will think / condone it's OK to sleep with someone's brother to get back at them...there are some freaks / idiotic people out there :rolleyes: I mean if she banged his friend may be, but his brother?

 

I think a lot of women can think of ways to justify cheating in that manner and I think a couple in this thread just did.

 

In which case, I'm not judging, but that mentality will come out when it comes to other things to. And if you're planning on spending 20, 30, 40 years with that person, it's not a match.

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She didn't cheat. Her BF broke up with her so she slept with his brother.

 

She's 22. Her brain isn't even fully developed.

 

Still...like I said....it's better than wallowing in her own broken heart.

 

Too bad some of the male posters on this thread haven't figured out a way to move on so easily.

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Brain not fully developed at 22? You have to wonder how some get through college even with tougher courses. I guess this must be the newest excuse as to why some do dump stuff or don't bother with post secondary.

 

Not that it becomes fully developed looking at some in their 30s, and 40s :rolleyes:.

 

Oh, he broke my heart, so am just going bang his brother and stop short of his dad and uncles. That should give them notes to compare

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JuneJulySeptember
She didn't cheat. Her BF broke up with her so she slept with his brother.

 

She's 22. Her brain isn't even fully developed.

 

Still...like I said....it's better than wallowing in her own broken heart.

 

Too bad some of the male posters on this thread haven't figured out a way to move on so easily.

 

You say it like it's just something women should be expected to do.

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JuneJulySeptember

And another thing that just confuses me.

 

Women say they are about connection and they need connection with a guy to have sex.

 

But the second they feel lonely or hurt, they don't talk over the phone with a friend or with mom, they jump into bed with some guy.

 

And not that all women do it, but I have seen multiple instances of this, in some cases worse than the OP's story.

 

Of course the brothers and friends are just as much to blame, but at least they are horny guys who will do anything. Lol.

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You say it like it's just something women should be expected to do.

 

No not at all but I still think it's better to hurt than be hurt if given a choice.

 

But maybe that's just the survivor in me talking.

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I dunno, proceed with caution I guess. I like to judge people for myself in their current state rather than their past actions, but what she did was a bit twisted. But as others said, she regretted it so must learn from it.

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No not at all but I still think it's better to hurt than be hurt if given a choice.

 

Oh definitely, but if everyone thought that way the world would be even more scary than it already is.

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Oh definitely, but if everyone thought that way the world would be even more scary than it already is.

 

Not for the people who would rather hurt than be hurt.

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Ninjainpajamas

Dump and move on, she's too young and has the typical issues...she's going to be very insecure and have some deep issues, if you have a standard then enforce it...if you're just going to bend over it the girls not going to respect you anyway.

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Oh definitely, it's better to hurt than be hurt?

 

I think maybe you're reading too much into it. Or maybe not enough? It's a coping mechanism that some people use.

 

She was hurt so she hurt back. It didn't work because she felt bad about it but it may have made her feel better temporarily. And if she was a different type of person it may have helped her feel better permanently.

 

But what if she was suicidal over being dumped by the boy? Would you still think her banging the boy's brother was really so awful?

 

We don't know where her mind was at. We do know that she's sorry about it though...and that's a good thing.

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I would say I kind of hold the past against a person but there are "guidelines" I suppose.

 

Until there's at least a year and preferrable more like 2 years+ time that has passed since the incident, combined with a complete change in behavior then I would take it under consideration.

 

9 months ago? I don't know. She may be really sorry and would never do it again or...it might be an indicator of future behavior. Which is why I would need a few years of that behavior NOT repeating combined with a new direction so that I would be able to trust that the person truly is putting that part behind them.

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JuneJulySeptember

 

But what if she was suicidal over being dumped by the boy? Would you still think her banging the boy's brother was really so awful?

 

 

Yea, I would.

 

But that's just me I guess from the responses.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how banging a person's sibling helps to get over the pain of being dumped.

 

When I get my heart broken, I find a friend and drink heavily, or better yet, COME ON LOVESHACK AND VENT! :lmao:

 

I can honestly say the thought of screwing another woman to get back at my girlfriend for wronging me (and some have) have never crossed my mind.

 

To me, talking and expressing my feelings would help with getting my heart broken and loneliness, not sex. I guess I'm more of a b@tch than women are.

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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Yea, I would.

 

But that's just me I guess from the responses.

 

I'm still trying to figure out how banging a person's sibling helps to get over the pain of being dumped.

 

When I get my heart broken, I find a friend and drink heavily, or better yet, COME ON LOVESHACK AND VENT! :lmao:

 

I can honestly say the thought of screwing another woman to get back at my girlfriend for wronging me (and some have) have never crossed my mind.

 

So, like I said before, it's a mentality thing, and not an immaturity thing. To each their own. I just hope I never I never have to be with that own.

 

Not for nothing but sex can make a person feel better the same way that alcohol can make a person feel better.

 

But to each their own.

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