Philosopher Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Just before Christmas I met up with a girl I met from online dating for a coffee. The date appeared to go well, however she had to end it after an hour and half as she was meeting a friend later that evening. A couple of days later I suggested meeting up again, she agreed and we provisionally arranged something for either this Sunday or Monday. Over Christmas we continued to regularly exchange texts. Today I texted her to see if she was still on for tomorrow or Monday and she replied saying she could not meet until maybe mid January, almost three and a half weeks after the first date as she was really busy with a university essay that she had to finish off. Is this too long to wait for a second date? Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 She's not into you. And she can't bring her self to tell you that so she just kicks the can down the road. To test this, stop contacting her and see how into a second date she is by letting her try and set one up with you. My guess is she won't. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
the tank Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 By experience, she is not into you. Dont contact her anymore. Meet new girl ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 If you REALLY can't meet for that long, well it's difficult. It's a big risk. Either of you can meet someone else in that time. I had to wait ten days between date one and two with my current boyfriend, because literally every morning, afternoon and evening, neither of us were free at the same time. For things like work, band rehearsals, things we couldn't get away from. But an essay? That's rubbish. You can take an hour out for coffee over a three week period even when writing the most intense of theses. She's not that into you, but she doesn't have the balls to tell you outright. To be fair, most people would take the hint and stop trying, so I don't really judge her at all for the simple 'yeah sure, maybe next year' as that's dating code for 'never' and certainly after one date, she owes you nothing. So, write this one off. Keep meeting people and dating. You'll find the one person who'll carve time out of their busy life to be able to spend time with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 At any other time of year, I'd agree that she's not that into you. At Christmas, everybody gets a buy. You don't know enough about her or her situation to judge whether it's you, her or the situation. Wait until January 5, the Monday after the holidays, when people are back into their normal routine. Call her then. If at that point, you don't get a positive response move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I think you should move on. Yea, the holidays make it hard to plan, but if she was super into you, she would find a time for coffee. Please don't text her. Maybe she will change her mind, but don't count on it. Plenty of people in this world! More fish in the sea, etc etc 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newlyborn Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 yeah, it's not until you are the one refusing to commit to a time to meet in the near future that you realize that this is THE sign of not being into someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okc85 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 yeah, it's not until you are the one refusing to commit to a time to meet in the near future that you realize that this is THE sign of not being into someone. I've been on both sides. Lol. So I know this girl just isn't interested. Who would say 'I met this great guy! I can't wait to see him again! Oh, but I need to wait 3 weeks. I've got an essay to write...' Really. No. If someone is interested, they make time. End o' story. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 One of the things that brings people together is a 'hunger' to experience that person's presence. Im not referring to just sexual hunger, rather the hunger to be in the presence of that person, to want to know them, and to be known by them. I see no hunger for you here. If she contacts you again she may have some hunger for you, if she doesn't, just let it be. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Philosopher Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 Thank you everyone for your replies. Like most of you, I suspected that she was not that interested. I have texted her saying I am no longer interested in meeting up. Hopefully the next girl will be a little bit more keen. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 At any other time of year, I'd agree that she's not that into you. At Christmas, everybody gets a buy. You don't know enough about her or her situation to judge whether it's you, her or the situation. Wait until January 5, the Monday after the holidays, when people are back into their normal routine. Call her then. If at that point, you don't get a positive response move on. Well, even though the OP called it off...I think that it's irrational to expect people's undivided attention during the holidays. I mean yeah, three weeks - just before Xmas - is reasonable to wait. I mean, the week of Xmas and the week after schools are even shut down. What does that tell you? People are busy buying/returning gifts, visiting family/friends, catching up with year end stuff. etc. That's one reason why I don't date around the holidays. Too hard to keep things afloat before someone loses interest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Tell her that January doesn't work for you, that you need to return some videotapes at that time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Well, even though the OP called it off...I think that it's irrational to expect people's undivided attention during the holidays. I mean yeah, three weeks - just before Xmas - is reasonable to wait. I mean, the week of Xmas and the week after schools are even shut down. What does that tell you? People are busy buying/returning gifts, visiting family/friends, catching up with year end stuff. etc. That's one reason why I don't date around the holidays. Too hard to keep things afloat before someone loses interest. I don't think it's possible to be SO BUSY that you can't set aside an hour for coffee with somebody you're really interested in. Here in the UK, life proceeds much as normal, working up until Xmas Eve, sometimes in the week between Xmas and NYE, and back to work on the 2nd January generally. Many people are working through those holidays, too. I've mentioned elsewhere before that I began my current relationship while working 70 hours a week, writing a 20k thesis, and doing voluntary work. If I can do it, anyone can! Only way I can imagine it being harder than what I experienced is if someone has full-time custody of kids, something I thankfully don't have to contend with. But even then, there are ways to meet. Plus she didn't even say it was due to Xmas commitments, she said it was because she was writing an essay. If someone wants to meet you, they will... I wouldn't let it being the holidays prevent me from meeting someone I was into, as I know in the fast-paced world of dating if you're not going out with someone, another person probably is. He wasn't expecting her undivided attention, he was expecting to see her, and I didn't get the impression it was for a mega date spread across several days, I'm sure he'd have been happy catching up for lunch! Good call OP, on telling her you weren't interested in meeting anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 She's playing a head game here, but instead of telling you the truth she's using a method call an essay to let you know she has other plans. So just by chance she might be able to be available in Mid January 2015? So if I was you I would take that has a NO! Pull out and and just say no thanks to her and more on! Don't bother with such a person, as she really knows what she doing. But you will clearly see whats she's doing but right now you don't see. Otherwise you would have figured this one out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Philosopher Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I mean yeah, three weeks - just before Xmas - is reasonable to wait. I mean, the week of Xmas and the week after schools are even shut down. What does that tell you? People are busy buying/returning gifts, visiting family/friends, catching up with year end stuff. etc. I agree that this may be the case with many people at this time of year. However her family live overseas and as she does not celebrate Christmas much, so she should not have been busy as others over the holiday period. On the other hand she did say she played regularly in a choir so this could have taken up some of her spare time. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 She may have had choir commitments. She may also be missing her overseas family & be a bit blue about that. Over the years she may have learned that she's not her best this time of year & chooses to sort of "check out". Accordingly, I reiterate my advice to reach out one last time after January 5. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 did she respond to your text? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Just before Christmas I met up with a girl I met from online dating for a coffee. The date appeared to go well, however she had to end it after an hour and half as she was meeting a friend later that evening. A couple of days later I suggested meeting up again, she agreed and we provisionally arranged something for either this Sunday or Monday. Over Christmas we continued to regularly exchange texts. Today I texted her to see if she was still on for tomorrow or Monday and she replied saying she could not meet until maybe mid January, almost three and a half weeks after the first date as she was really busy with a university essay that she had to finish off. Is this too long to wait for a second date? I'm tempted to think she is simply not that interested because first she ended the date early and then now she cannot see you until a month later....it doesn't sound right. I'm a grad student, I always have ongoing work but I do get lulls and am not working around the clock. If I have something due I know the due date and if it is not for weeks, I plan accordingly and still manage to have free time or a break to eat, go out and relax. I'm not going to be going on dates during finals or the night of when a proposal or something is due but I am not on lock down 24/7 weeks in advance. You will ALWAYS have stuff due and you work in your life around it, especially when it's a date with a guy you like. You're telling me for the next 3.5 weeks every waking hour will be spent writing an essay? I doubt. I think 3.5 weeks is a long time in between dates when there is no good reason why. If she was out of the country or out of state for winter break I'd totally understand, but because you have an essay? No one is that studious...come on. I have had plenty of essays and projects due and I am not doing them 24/7. I take a break to eat, shower, visit friends, live my life then I get back to work. So I simply cannot believe her....but keep talking and wait and see what happens in 3.5 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Well, even though the OP called it off...I think that it's irrational to expect people's undivided attention during the holidays. I mean yeah, three weeks - just before Xmas - is reasonable to wait. I mean, the week of Xmas and the week after schools are even shut down. What does that tell you? People are busy buying/returning gifts, visiting family/friends, catching up with year end stuff. etc. That's one reason why I don't date around the holidays. Too hard to keep things afloat before someone loses interest. I think it's irrational to think that going on a date is the same as expecting "undivided attention." I don't even understand that....most of us have multiple commitments at any given point in life and work around them. Successful people balance their lives and their multiple commitments. The holidays do not even get my undivided attention. I am not Santa Claus working tirelessly managing elves and having to fly all over the world in one night.The holidays exist and I balance my family, whatever I need to do for it, and the rest of my life. I mean come on...seriously, I'm not cooking, buying gifts or hanging out with my family every waking hour of the holiday season. However, all this is moot anyway as this girl said NOTHING about the holidays and the question wasn't about holiday dating. She said she has to write an essay due almost at the end of January, so I don't even understand what the holidays really have to do with the OP's scenario since she herself did not say this was a reason but that her school work was, and like I said, you will ALWAYS have school work and nobody is that studious where an essay isn't due for a month and they CANNOT go out or do ANYTHING basically for the next 624 hours... Edited December 28, 2014 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
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