Boyfriend visits his ex because she had an accident- Red flag?

[icerose]

Hello,

 

My boyfriend (31) of 2.5 years (living together) told me today that his ex-girlfriend (the girl he dated before me for almost two years) had an accident and broke her leg and that he's going to visit her at her home. I hate that he's doing this because I KNOW she's still in love with him.And he also knows. She's still in love with him after all those years. If you wanna know how I know that please ask, I just don't wanna make this first thread much longer than it should be. He's going to visit her (she lives in the same city) and he doesn't care how much that hurts me. He always admitted to be in touch with her once in a while, just because they're on 'good terms', which I highly doubt since she still wants more and still loves him. He tells me he only loves me and I shouldn't worry at all, but that he has to be there for her in these hard times. I told him that she has friends and family who are for sure there for her and that she might get the wrong impression about him caring so much about her. He also admitted to me that at the moment he texts her almost every day because it's a 'special situation' because her leg is broken and she sits in a wheel chair for now.

 

I don't wanna sound like an *******, but I find this so damn inappropriate. If he still cares for her fine, but why doesn't he just write her one single email telling her that he hopes she's fine yadda yadda? Why does he have to text her almost every day for a few weeks and has to visit her ALONE at her place? I mean she's not dying, she just broke her leg. I told him that I'm really uncomfortable with him visiting his ex who still loves him, but he says he will go anyway and that I have to understand this.

 

More info- I have never met her. He told me she knows about me even though he says he has never personally told her about me. I couldn't come with him to visit her right now because I'm out of town, visiting my family. But if he agreed to wait til next week, I could. But he doesn't seem to want that. She cannot be 'one of the guys' for him now because she's never around when he meets with any of his groups of friends.

 

What do you guys think about this? Is it a total red flag what he's doing? Or should I try to be more understanding?

 

 

Thanks.

[Diezel]

Very politely and calmly ask him how he would react if the tables were turned and it was your ex-boyfriend that you wanted to visit, regardless of his feelings.

 

Either way, giant red flag.

 

If it were me, my girlfriend would soon become my ex-girlfriend.

#1: Because there is no need for that.

#2: No respect for my feelings.

 

And those are the only two reasons I need.

[Danda]

I consider it a red flag because he said he "has to be there" for her. That is obviously nonsensical. He does not "have" to be there, and she doesn't need him to be there. He is choosing to go spend time with her, just the two of them, in her house.

 

That he avoids owning up to his choice, and instead makes a pathetic attempt to spin it like the universe is forcing him to do this, is why I consider it a red flag.

 

People don't need to come up with convoluted justifications for things that they don't feel guilty about, they just own their decisions. And if there are signs of guilt, then there is probably a problem.

 

I imagine your subconscious brain processed all of that ^ at about mach 5 below your conscious awareness and that is why you're having this reaction.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it's a red flag. He's prioritizing her needs and feelings above yours. They're too close for comfort, in my opinion. The fact that he's not considering how this makes you feel is a bad sign indeed.

[icerose]

Very politely and calmly ask him how he would react if the tables were turned and it was your ex-boyfriend that you wanted to visit, regardless of his feelings.

 

 

 

I did. He said it wouldn't be a problem at all for him if it was an 'emergency situation'. I don't consider it an emergency situation what he does. He also said that he's sure I also sometimes talk to my exes on FB or so. I don't, ever. My experience is that friendship with an ex doesn't work in most of the cases because one of the two still wants more.

[icerose]

Danda, ExpatinItaly, what would you do in my shoes?

 

Everything is fine in our relationship but I can't get this girl out of my head. It always bothered me that they're still in contact sometimes even though he says they just talk every couple of months and he only wants to be with me. I KNOW a 100% she's still in love with him. And I told him that it hurts me a lot that he wants to visit her even. He still wants to do it.

[Zahara]

I did. He said it wouldn't be a problem at all for him if it was an 'emergency situation'.

 

Of course he is going to say that because that gives him a pass to do what he wants.

 

I don't consider it an emergency situation what he does.

 

It's not an emergency. He has to magnify it to justify it.

 

He also said that he's sure I also sometimes talk to my exes on FB or so. I don't, ever.

 

Again, he needs to justify it so he throws it back on you.

 

My experience is that friendship with an ex doesn't work in most of the cases because one of the two still wants more.

 

I don't believe it's just a friendship. I have to wonder if it's two, not just one. The fact that he is prioritizing her feelings over yours is telling.

[icerose]

I don't believe it's just a friendship. I have to wonder if it's two, not just one. The fact that he is prioritizing her feelings over yours is telling.

 

 

 

But if he wants to be with her, why isn't he? She lives in the same city, she's available, he knows she still loves him, she has told him twice before (while I was already in a relationship with him) and he rejected her twice- If he still loves her, why is he with me?

 

 

About the rest, you're right- I really don't want to accept that. What if she gets sick next year? Is he going to feel like he has to visit her again?

 

I just don't wanna break up with him about this.. our relationship is so great except of that point. I just don't know what to do..

[cif]

Is he friends with other exes? Why have you never met her? Why didn't you offer to go visit with him?

 

The issue here is he doesn't care that this bothers you. It is NOT an emergency situation and even if it were does she not have family/friends to help out?

 

How do you know she's still in love with him? Perhaps he enjoys the attention?

[Zahara]

But if he wants to be with her, why isn't he? She lives in the same city, she's available, he knows she still loves him, she has told him twice before (while I was already in a relationship with him) and he rejected her twice- If he still loves her, why is he with me?

 

It's isn't necessarily about him being with her. If he knows she's in love with him, and he is solely committed to you and making you feel secure in the relationship -- he will create boundaries to protect her feelings and most importantly yours. The fact that he is prioritizing her, it could be that he enjoys the attention he gets from her. It doesn't have to mean that he wants to be with her. He is a willing participant by engaging someone he knows is emotionally attached to him.

 

About the rest, you're right- I really don't want to accept that. What if she gets sick next year? Is he going to feel like he has to visit her again?

 

If he wants to protect and secure the relationship, he'll do what it takes and that means implementing healthy boundaries. You need to talk to him about it. If he still chooses to do whatever he wants, then you have your answer.

 

I just don't wanna break up with him about this.. our relationship is so great except of that point. I just don't know what to do..

 

I have to wonder when people make this statement when there's blatant disregard for a partner's feelings in the relationship.

[icerose]

Is he friends with other exes? Why have you never met her? Why didn't you offer to go visit with him?

 

He actually is. He's friends with two other exes. He's the kind of guy who says he can be friends with girls he was in a relationship with. He says he has known those girls before they even started dating so it wasn't hard to be friends afterwards. With those two girls I don't mind so much because both of them live in another country and the relationships have been over for more than five years.

 

I have never met her because she's just not a part of the group of his friends (like another ex of him for example, who I met several times because she went to high school with him and is friends with many of his friends). He only knows her through his brother. When we go out with his friends she's never there.

 

I told him I can come with him to visit her next week if he wants that so badly. This week I can't because I'm not in town. He didn't really react to that.

 

 

 

The issue here is he doesn't care that this bothers you. It is NOT an emergency situation and even if it were does she not have family/friends to help out?

 

Yes, of course she has friends and family, many friends in fact. I told him too that she has friends and family who are there for her, but that doesn't change his opinion that he should be there for her too since she is a 'friend'.

 

 

How do you know she's still in love with him? Perhaps he enjoys the attention?

 

We have one friend in common and he knows her quite well. Also, my boyfriend told me once that she wrote him an email telling him that she still loves him and wants to get back together with him. The second time she told him via email that she still loves him and wants to get back together was just 4 months ago, I accidentally saw it while I was using his PC, in the right corner appeared a square from his email account saying that he received an email from 'xx xxx' (her name) with the subject 'Is there any chance we...' So I read the email.

[newmoon]

he's w/you but obviously some portion of his heart and/or feelings are still with her. there is something there, between them BOTH, not just her. whatever she has over him, or had with him, you don't have. sorry, it's the truth of it. a sympathy card/email would suffice in this situation and realistically, after 2 years they shouldn't be in such close contact that he'd go visit. reacting badly to it probably just makes you look worse to him and will make her look better, so speak your peace for sure, but realize his feelings are guiding him. feelings for her, obviously.

[icerose]

he's w/you but obviously some portion of his heart and/or feelings are still with her. there is something there, between them BOTH, not just her. whatever she has over him, or had with him, you don't have. sorry, it's the truth of it. a sympathy card/email would suffice in this situation and realistically, after 2 years they shouldn't be in such close contact that he'd go visit. reacting badly to it probably just makes you look worse to him and will make her look better, so speak your peace for sure, but realize his feelings are guiding him. feelings for her, obviously.

 

I don't think they had something we didn't have, otherwise he would be with her now. She made more than once clear to him that she's still available and would still want him back.

 

Anyway, that doesn't mean of course that there still aren't some sort of feelings for her, which really worries me. I don't know what to do. As I said, I don't wanna break up over this, but he indeed seems to put her feelings over mine and wants to go see her even though I made clear I feel umfortable with this.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think they had something we didn't have, otherwise he would be with her now. She made more than once clear to him that she's still available and would still want him back.

 

Anyway, that doesn't mean of course that there still aren't some sort of feelings for her, which really worries me. I don't know what to do. As I said, I don't wanna break up over this, but he indeed seems to put her feelings over mine and wants to go see her even though I made clear I feel umfortable with this.

 

I have no doubt there are feelings, from both of them. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he chooses to prioritize her feelings over yours, there will be a big problem. If he still insists on going, you know where he stands. You just have to decide if you can tolerate having a boyfriend whose heart is still partly with someone else.

[Diezel]

He's friends with THREE of his ex-girlfriend's?

 

Yeah, prepare to deal with "emergency situations" for the rest of your life then, or don't and be done with this. If you do move on from him, fully prepare for you to become the next in his harem of ex-girlfriends with possible emergency situations.

 

If it bothers you this much, it's because your instincts are waving a giant, colossal red flag in your face. Listen to it.

[elaine567]

I did. He said it wouldn't be a problem at all for him if it was an 'emergency situation'. I don't consider it an emergency situation what he does. He also said that he's sure I also sometimes talk to my exes on FB or so. I don't, ever. My experience is that friendship with an ex doesn't work in most of the cases because one of the two still wants more.

 

An emergency situation is when she may not make it through the night and this may be his last chance to see her ever; an emergency situation is not breaking her leg with him texting her daily and then visiting her because she is immobilised and "bored" at home.

Being friends with exes can work, but the red flag here is that she still loves him and because of that, he is not putting distance between himself and her, which he should be doing for her sake, if nothing else.

In that situation, he needs to show her and to you that he is first and foremost loyal to you. He is not doing that.

In order for relationships to work, lovelorn exes need to be put in their place.

So, by, in effect, choosing her, over your happiness and comfort, shows you where you are at here, unfortunately.

[Gloria25]

I have no doubt there are feelings, from both of them. You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he chooses to prioritize her feelings over yours, there will be a big problem. If he still insists on going, you know where he stands. You just have to decide if you can tolerate having a boyfriend whose heart is still partly with someone else.

 

If the OP "stands up" to her bf, then what leverage does she have? None.

 

He's been with the OP for 2.5 and they aren't married. And, the OP opted to shack-up with him. He's taking her for granted. She's "O'l faithful". He doesn't respect her.

 

If she had her own place and didn't commingle finances with this guy, her decision would be easier to make. But, often, people in these situations try too hard to stick it out cuz they already have too much invested (mostly financially) in the RL.

 

Again, "shacking up", IMO, is not progression in a RL. This guy pretty much knows he has the advantage here and is literally telling the OP, 'I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do....take it or leave it'.

 

Also, who knows, since they're at the 2.5 mark and not married, this may be his passive/aggressive way of saying "I'm done".

[icerose]

I'm very sure he doesn't want to break up with me because he's the one who brings up future planings all the time, not me (at least he much more).

 

Anyway, an hour ago I talked (skyped) with him and brought it up again. Again he didn't get my point. He said him and his ex are just friends, but I don't believe that this is a normal friendship. I mean the were dating, plus he admitted he never told her about me, ever. He just says she knows anyway because of his brother, her friends etc, but I'm not super convinced. I told him also if she was a normal friend, why did I never ever meet her in those 2.5 years of our relationship? He just asked me back 'Do you know all of my friends?' I said 'Yes, probably most of them' And he said 'See, most of them, not all'. He also said that I see something in their relation that just doesn't exist and that it's all in my head.

 

I told him again that I don't want him to visit her, I even told him if he can introduce me to her one day or if I can see that he really tells her about me I'll probably feel different. He did't really say anything to this, just got really pissed and didn't understand me at all. Then I just said 'Okay, if you don't have anything more to say, bye'.

 

 

An hour later I sent him a Whatsapp message, saying that I think he doesn't seem to realize what danger he's putting our relationship in and that I cannot be with someone who priorizes his ex-girlfriend's feelings over mine. I told him he doesn't have to understand my feelings, but he has to respect them. And that he should think about what's important to him. No answer yet (I sent that message half an hour ago).

[Zahara]

There's a lot of evading in terms of how he is keeping you at bay. It's a huge red flag. The fact that he doesn't want to be open to his ex that he's in a relationship with you -- this doesn't look good at all.

 

You've set the boundary and relayed it to him. Good for you. Let's see how he responds.

[Gloria25]

I'm very sure he doesn't want to break up with me because he's the one who brings up future planings all the time, not me (at least he much more).

 

Anyway, an hour ago I talked (skyped) with him and brought it up again. Again he didn't get my point. He said him and his ex are just friends, but I don't believe that this is a normal friendship. I mean the were dating, plus he admitted he never told her about me, ever. He just says she knows anyway because of his brother, her friends etc, but I'm not super convinced. I told him also if she was a normal friend, why did I never ever meet her in those 2.5 years of our relationship? He just asked me back 'Do you know all of my friends?' I said 'Yes, probably most of them' And he said 'See, most of them, not all'. He also said that I see something in their relation that just doesn't exist and that it's all in my head.

 

I told him again that I don't want him to visit her, I even told him if he can introduce me to her one day or if I can see that he really tells her about me I'll probably feel different. He did't really say anything to this, just got really pissed and didn't understand me at all. Then I just said 'Okay, if you don't have anything more to say, bye'.

 

Because, if this was just a "friendship", he'd probably introduce you two long time ago. Shoot, he'd probably ask if you wanna bake her cookies and bring over when you come back from your trip.

 

An hour later I sent him a Whatsapp message, saying that I think he doesn't seem to realize what danger he's putting our relationship in and that I cannot be with someone who priorizes his ex-girlfriend's feelings over mine. I told him he doesn't have to understand my feelings, but he has to respect them. And that he should think about what's important to him. No answer yet (I sent that message half an hour ago).

 

Someone, I think it was elaine567 posted a clip in another thread from a guy who does YouTube videos to women where he says "Stop lying to yourselves"

 

Here it is:

 

 

But, I'm sure some people won't listen. With 2.5 years into this and commingled finances. And, usually people who put up with being in a shack-up situations are gonna put up with a lot of crap just to be with someone.

 

BTW, brining up "plans" for the future without any actual steps in that direction is just "talk" and "almost doesn't count".

 

Brandy - "Almost Doesn't Count"

 

http://youtu.be/5jC5MkGu7eU

Edited December 25, 2014 by Gloria25

[icerose]

 

BTW, brining up "plans" for the future without any actual steps in that direction is just "talk" and "almost doesn't count".

 

 

 

Thanks for the videos, I'll check them later. And he already did steps in that direction- He suggested to buy a house together, called houses and we went to visit them and found one. Now he already asked me twice when I have time to meet up with the owners and sign the contract to buy it. I should probably think twice about this, regarding the situation.

[lil hoodlum]

Yes, it's a red flag. He's prioritizing her needs and feelings above yours. They're too close for comfort, in my opinion. The fact that he's not considering how this makes you feel is a bad sign indeed.

 

 

This, times a 1,000.

 

If she is that important to him, send him on his way and wish him good luck!

[Gloria25]

Thanks for the videos, I'll check them later. And he already did steps in that direction- He suggested to buy a house together, called houses and we went to visit them and found one. Now he already asked me twice when I have time to meet up with the owners and sign the contract to buy it. I should probably think twice about this, regarding the situation.

 

Buying a house together is nothing...Unless you're married, good luck in going to court on that.

 

Look, I don't get certain people. A house is a major investment. You're getting ready to make a major purchase with someone who won't even introduce you to an "ex" who is "just a friend". I wouldn't trust someone to do a major purchase with me if I can't trust them with something so simple with introducing me to an "ex".

 

Please forgive me, but this whole "cart before the horse" thing females (not women) are doing now a days baffles me.

 

If you two plan to buy a home together, then why not marry first. You two have been dating 2.5 years (well, I'm not sure how much of that was actual "dating", cuz IMO, shack ups, working together, and time as friends doesn't count). By 2.5 years he should know whether or not you're wifey material.

 

So, he sees you as someone he'd buy a house with, but not marry?

 

Ok, whatever makes people happy...I just don't get it.

 

Look at stories of people who co-sign loans for major purchases like cars and what happens when a default happens. Watch some of those day-time court TV shows when shack-ups (including those who buy homes together) come in crying when the RL ends...I'm just saying.

[Zahara]

Thanks for the videos, I'll check them later. And he already did steps in that direction- He suggested to buy a house together, called houses and we went to visit them and found one. Now he already asked me twice when I have time to meet up with the owners and sign the contract to buy it. I should probably think twice about this, regarding the situation.

 

It's actually a foolish thing to do when you both aren't married. There are threads on here about people dating buying homes together only for things to go sour. So buying a home isn't much of a guarantee in terms of commitment/progression.

[lil hoodlum]

It's actually a foolish thing to do when you both aren't married. There are threads on here about people dating buying homes together only for things to go sour. So buying a home isn't much of a guarantee in terms of commitment/progression.

 

 

I agree. You need to protect yourself, your time, and money.

 

Should things not work out, there is allways one person who has more to lose.