Did I initiate too much contact?

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Hello there, I'd like to tell you a classical story with a twist.

 

I was approached by a guy I'd actually liked for some time. We started talking a lot on Facebook and he messaged me all the time for a few days, and also I started a conversation once. After this, he asked me out and we still kept in touch after that meeting.

 

The thing is, he told me about a health issue which might be a considerable put-off for quite a lot of people. At first, he was vague about it but I messaged him a few days after the meeting to clarify this. I was aware that my behaviour could be seen as very assertive but it was important to me and I thought that backing off from such a question would mean he's not my worth my while. Still, he contacted me a few days after that conversation and about a week later I messaged him myself, feeling that doing this is a way of communicating my acceptance. The problem is, he told me he'd follow up the day which he didn't do.

 

Now a few days have passed and I didn't not contact him again. I believe I have to move on now but I'm wondering whether there's something I have to learn from this story. Do you think I have been too clingy? I'll be happy to learn what you think.

[mysteryscape]

He may feel very uneasy about the health issue, whatever it is.

 

If you really are accepting, why not come right out and tell him that, and tell him you'd like to see -- again, if that is really the case.

 

you have nothing to lose.

[d0nnivain]

I'm inclined to give everyone a pass from now until Monday, January 5, 2015 because the holidays can really throw off somebody's schedule.

 

In your head write him off but don't be too harsh if he pops back up after the holidays.

 

To continue your assertiveness I might reach out once that 1st week in January but then I'd be done.

[Poppygoodwill]

He might be used to getting the brush off after his health issue is revealed and so he's acting in self defence, if you know what I mean. Just call him and be warm and friendly and show him, or even come right out and tell him, that you're still there.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

I'm pretty sure he must have already faced rejection because of that issue as most people I know would not put up with it. Which makes me think that my demonstration of acceptance might have come across as accepting any "flaw" in a man out of desperation. Do you think a man might think of something like this?

 

 

I believe now that I should have contacted him less and let him do this instead... as he'd probably still like to act with confindence and dignity whatever his options are. But then, at the beginning he responded very positively to my initiative, which made me think I was doing the right thing.

Edited December 22, 2014 by goodgirlturnedbad

[mysteryscape]

and listen to poppy and me! You have nothing to lose at this point, do you? And I think you are overanalyzing.

 

All you can do is interact with people in these situations and see how you react with each other. Figuring out another person is really almost impossible. Controlling them with your thoughts IS impossible!

 

Good luck with it.

[aggie382]

The way you asked may have come across as an interrogation and that you needed to know rather than you were accepting and offering support.

 

So next time you reach out, be sure to tell him that you're cool with whatever he's got going on.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

The way you asked may have come across as an interrogation and that you needed to know rather than you were accepting and offering support.

 

So next time you reach out, be sure to tell him that you're cool with whatever he's got going on.

You may be right, but then I tried not to make it sound like interrogation. I actually have a job related to life sciences so I told him that I had to read documentation concerning a new therapy that sounded very much like the things he told me earlier - and voluntarily - about his condition and asked him whether he meant the same therapy and the illness it is supposed to target. He said yes and later we had a regular conversation about something else.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Update: he did message me finally, and we chatted for an hour or so. This is actually what my gut feeling had told me, but well... that anxiety. Thanks for your support!

Edited December 24, 2014 by goodgirlturnedbad

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Guys, I need your advice again!

 

After that interaction I described last time he got in touch with me again, as I told you in the post above. A few days later, he wrote to me again, asking how my Christmas was, and we talked for a few hours. Each time I had to end the conversations first because it was getting late and I start my work early.

 

Today I messaged him and hinted at a meeting - at the end of the conversation I said I'd also like to talk 'live' one day. He replied that he probably won't make it before his journey (he's leaving for Asia this week, a work-related trip; told me about it last time). I said it would be OK for me to see him when he's back. His reply was was ":>" and that's how our chat ended.

 

How would you feel about it? You advised me last time not to over-analyse too much but I can't help wondering if "no time before the trip" means what it means or "I'm not that into you".

[angel.eyes]

I think you're chasing after someone who is lukewarm about you.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

You may be right... still, it's been him who's wanted to get in touch more often, and I tried to be responsive.

 

Today I wanted to suggest hanging out because when we met for the first time he told me he'd got an impression I was tired and asked me if I felt OK. In fact, on that day I was coming straight from work, and what's more: during the meeting he told me about his health problems and it was the very same thing I had just been reading about at work less than an hour before... So I was tired, and negatively surprised, and perhaps shy also, but still happy to see him. That's why I told him I was having a good time, but his behaviour came across as insecure to me. However, afterwards he texted me that he'd liked my company and has been in touch regularly ever since, so I thought that some initiative on my part might be a good idea.

 

Sure, this is how I view things, because I'd like things to work out, but I'm still interested in your perspective, even if it's not cheerful at all!

Edited January 1, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad

[angel.eyes]

At the beginning...yes, he was the one getting in touch and making the effort! Not after your date. You're making lots of excuses for him.

 

We are allowed to change our mind as we learn more about a person we're dating. You're learning about him, but he's also learning about you. You aren't the only person in the paradigm deciding whether to continue. He does too.

 

Sorry, but he's no longer making much effort to contact you. In fact, this would probably have fizzled a while ago if you didn't keep contacting him. There are now long lapses in communication, mostly broken by you. This wasn't true at the outset. He was doing most/all the initiating then.

 

You haven't gone on another date despite your obvious hints and suggestions. Instead you're getting the polite brush off. Since you're so interested, he's keeping you warm on the backburner in case nothing else happens. But his interest and investment in progressing things with you has plummeted. With dogged persistence, you might get another date or two out of this, but this is really going nowhere. As soon as you stop pursuing, I suspect things will sputter and fade away.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry I'm not being more positive. In dating, we need to recognize when the other person's feelings and interest change. When you don't, you continue to invest emotionally in what has become a dead end, and wind up getting hurt unnecessarily.

[aggie382]

You haven't gone on another date despite your obvious hints and suggestions. Instead you're getting the polite brush off. Since you're so interested, he's keeping you warm on the backburner in case nothing else happens. But his interest and investment in progressing things with you has plummeted. With dogged persistence, you might get another date or two out of this, but this is really going nowhere. As soon as you stop pursuing, I suspect things will sputter and fade away.

 

OP, I'm sorry, but I agree with this above. I'd let it go and move on.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

With dogged persistence, you might get another date or two out of this, but this is really going nowhere. As soon as you stop pursuing, I suspect things will sputter and fade away.

 

No, I wouldn't like to get another date due to dogged persistence - it's not worth it, and I would hate every minute of it. I won't contact him again now, I would feel terrible about it.

Edited January 1, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad

[goodgirlturnedbad]

I only fail to grasp why he still contacted me after the date. I wouldn't bother to do it if I didn't like somebody, or I would only send a short text directly afterwards to be polite. Instead, he would chat up like twice in a row and as a response I also initiated.

 

My ex-boyfriend was a shy guy and we had casual contact for more than a year before we became exclusive, and that happened after I'd invited him to visit me at my dorm. He came there, and ended up telling me at a party that he was in love with me. I remember being astonished and acting reluctant at first; he left, while I discovered that I actually liked him more than just as a friend and told him this a few days later. His reply was that he'd never have tried to get in touch with me again if I had not shown interest. That's why I didn't not hesistate to try and see whether this guy was of a similar kind, but apparently he's not.

Edited January 1, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad

[angel.eyes]

I only fail to grasp why he still contacted me after the date. I wouldn't bother to do it if I didn't like somebody, or I would only send a short text directly afterwards to be polite. Instead, he would chat up like twice in a row and as a response I also initiated.

 

You pushed for a date when none was forthcoming. You contacted him when there was a clear fall-off in communication.

 

It's called the backburner.

 

Recognize that guys expend a lot of energy and most go through a fair amount of rejection to find someone who likes them enough to agree to a date...and then a second date. It can get frustrating when they encounter a string of rejections. If someone they're meh about keeps pushing to date, many will keep her around even though it's really going to go nowhere. When things are bleak, they can turn to her for distraction.

 

You want to make sure your date knows you're interested and would like to see him again. But when you're the one pushing to progress things to another date at the beginning, you're putting yourself in a position where you frequently will get strung along. He knows how to ask you out. He did before. Examine the difference between when he first contacted you and his level of engagement then...and now. If he doesn't ask for another date when you've made your interest clear (and you did multiple times), it's because he's no longer interested in moving things forward.

 

It happens. Dust yourself off and find someone else.

Edited January 1, 2015 by angel.eyes

[goodgirlturnedbad]

He knows how to ask you out. He did before. Examine the difference between when he first contacted you and his level of engagement then...and now. If he doesn't ask for another date when you've made your interest clear (and you did multiple times), it's because he's no longer interested in moving things forward.

 

You're right... the only difference before and after the date was that I didn't know about his health issues before. I mentioned it briefly at the beginning of this thread but well, I can tell it now... he told me upfront that he had HepC, and this made me uneasy at the date. Which was made even more awkward by the fact that as I said before, I'd been reading about it as a part of my work just before the date, so the coincidence did affect me.

 

It makes me very sad that I like him enough to accept such a condition and could use my professional knowledge to be make things work without health risks. Certainly, having his options limited by disease does not mean that he can no longer be picky, but still... it's sad.

Edited January 2, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad

[angel.eyes]

Are you're dating him out of pity then? Because you perceive him to have few or no options? Otherwise, why is it sad that he can choose who he wants to date?

 

Also, why would his options necessarily be that limited? Treatment has come a long way in the last few years, and there are a few highly effective medications on the market right now, with more to follow.

 

Anyway, this isn't a discussion about health and health treatments. Suffice it to say, he doesn't appear to see you as a good fit for whatever reason and is no longer actively progressing things with you. It happens. It was just a date or two. Best to cut your losses and look elsewhere.

 

We win some. We lose some. Like it or not, that's just dating.

Edited January 2, 2015 by angel.eyes

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Are you're dating him out of pity then? Because you perceive him to have few or no options? Otherwise, why is it sad that he can choose who he wants to date?

No, not out of pity; I simply wanted to say that I haven't been deterred by the disease.

I'm not saying there are no other options for him, but before I knew him I'd sometimes heard people say that having HepC is like being HIV+, while in fact it has been made nearly always curable and transmission is different. Maybe some people have this attitude because it's a rather uncommon illness in my part of the world. Having said that, I don't want to presume that I'm the only person in the world who would date him and thus feel entitled to be chosen! Just wanted to show you more background to this story.

 

I'm not saying that it is sad that he can choose, I was just expressing my sadness at being the one who wants more.

Edited January 2, 2015 by goodgirlturnedbad

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Strangely enough, he messaged me a couple of hours later saying that he liked my new profile picture on Facebook, asked me about some travel plans and how I spent NYE... that's confusing to me.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

Being approached by a person you've already had a crush on is so much more difficult to handle than just meeting someone and coming to like them in time. While you feel elated, you must keep in mind that other person may not be on the same page as you and act accordingly...

Still, I think I did the right thing, because it's better to quit false hopes early on.

 

I only wonder why he contacted me later that evening, after he said he wouldn't have time to meet before his trip.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Certainly, having his options limited by disease does not mean that he can no longer be picky, but still... it's sad.

 

This is so problematic on multiple levels. How are his options limited? Hep C isn't spread sexually and most people don't find serious medical conditions a turn-off. Even if he was 350 pounds, covered in acne and had raging cases of genital herpes and syphilis, he could be picky. Everyone deserves to be picky about the person they want to date.

 

I'm not saying that it is sad that he can choose, I was just expressing my sadness at being the one who wants more.

 

You're sad because you think he should be grateful for whatever he can get and he has the nerve to reject you when you could have anyone you want. Or something. That's a pretty selfish attitude to have. You do sound entitled.

 

This guy is allowed to send friendly messages and chat. That's what friends do. But I wouldn't presume he was interested unless he actually asked you on a date.

[goodgirlturnedbad]

You're sad because you think he should be grateful for whatever he can get and he has the nerve to reject you when you could have anyone you want. Or something. That's a pretty selfish attitude to have. You do sound entitled.

I never wanted to think like that, but after I learned about the disease I felt like... giving reassurance. But maybe this is just another face of feeling entitled, and maybe I've never wanted to confess this to myself.

 

This guy is allowed to send friendly messages and chat. That's what friends do. But I wouldn't presume he was interested unless he actually asked you on a date.

He did before, and I wanted to continue.