missyou123 Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I am so pessimistic about love right now. It feels as if I am going to be alone forever. It’s not that I’m desperate for a relationship. I love being single, I love being indifferent and not having to experience this feeling but one day I want to; it is very important for me to have meaningful connections with people and I would love a best friend as a partner. I know I’m still young, I’m only 21 but so far my pattern of men has not made the future seem too bright. I think it’s my fault really. I’m attracted to unavailable men and I really don’t know why. This time I thought it was different. For the first time I’ve been spending time with a guy I genuinely like as a person. I know he likes me and that he’s attracted to me but we agreed to just be friends and have never hooked up because he’s not ready for anything serious. My mistake was investing my time in someone who is clearly not emotionally available, and deciding to wait for him to change his mindset. I know he hooks up with girls, and I’ve been dating this other guy this whole time very casually as well. But last night changed everything. We went out for his birthday and he got very drunk and was blatantly trying to hook up with this chick. It’s not the fact that he wanted someone else, it’s just sex. It’s the fact that he did it right in front of me. That was the ending point for me. I’ve decided to cut off contact. It’s been very confusing these past few months, but it’s never been more obvious to me: he is not ready for a relationship. I guess I had to see him in that light to accept it. No matter how great we click he doesn’t deserve me right now, or my explanation. Hopefully he’ll figure that out on his own. So that’s been getting me down. Just because I actually really liked him. But it has also ignited my reflection of my past romantic endeavors and stimulated fear that I’ll always be alone. I’ve never actually had a serious, meaningful relationship. I’ve made many mistakes in the past, and I’m grateful for everything that I have learned, but I just can’t help but feel I’m not capable of ever having that with someone. I just can’t wait till next week, when I’m back to not caring Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 I think with truly being a friend to someone comes respect for that person... when you have respect for someone......and they are with you celebrating a birthday with you ...you dont crack on to others...you dont go out and celebrate with someone to dump them soon as something better comes along...drunk or not...... to tell the truth i wouldnt go out with any of my male friends at night to celebrate their birthday .....seems more like a date one on one than a friendship......with my female friends i have.....gone out and celebrated i always go home with them.....and if its just the two of us....i dont go with other guys..i stay with them...its a loyalty thing...... he didnt treat you like a friend and the friendship is uneven because you have deeper feelings for him thats why you are hurt.....he obviously cares only when it suits him...you are right to cease contact....you need to deal with the feelings you have.....and let them go......it wont be easy.....dont give up on love though.not all guys are like this guy.......heal and find the guy who is right for you....who treats you with respect and reciprocates the feelings you feel....thats the guy you keep feelings for...i wish you all the best...in love life and happiness.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amyO Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Wow. You are literally the same person as me (in terms of relationships haha). I could have written this exact same thread. I'm in the same boat of always dating or meeting guys that never want anything serious. At 22, i've "dated" a few guys and have made plenty of mistakes in trying to find the right one. Unfortunately, there seems to be a reason why we attract or are attracted to unavailable men. There is a quality that we find in them and can't seem to keep ourselves away. I feel pathetic at times that I haven't had at least 1 meaningful relationship at this point in my life. Or at least 1 healthy, committed type of relationship. The good part is that we are still young. We have learned a lot from these situations and maybe are still learning. Like you, i've become cynical in a sense when thinking of relationships, love, men, etc,. When you've met a lot of wrong guys and have had your heart broken one too many times- it's easy to reject the idea that a great guy and a wonderful relationship will ever be in the cards for us. However, like the advice i've been receiving lately, I want to share that you shouldn't give up. You need to recognize signs and traits of these men and know when to start walking away. Don't settle for anyone not treating you the way you deserve. But it's okay to still make mistakes as long as you truly learn something about yourself from them. Also, take a look at yourself and remember the amazing qualities you have to offer. If someone doesn't truly care about you and how great of a person you are, why should you give them any ounce of that? Someone is out there willing to go the extra mile for us. We need to start looking for better quality men and taking care of our hearts a little more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trenton100 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Yeah and the ones that go the extra mile get stood up and blown off. You just can't win. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I know he likes me and that he’s attracted to me but we agreed to just be friends and have never hooked up because he’s not ready for anything serious. My mistake was investing my time in someone who is clearly not emotionally available, and deciding to wait for him to change his mindset. I know he hooks up with girls, and I’ve been dating this other guy this whole time very casually as well. But last night changed everything. We went out for his birthday and he got very drunk and was blatantly trying to hook up with this chick. So it sounds like you're sending mixed messages. On the one hand you agreed "to just be friends." He hooks up with others but not you. And you've been "dating this other guy the whole very casually." I don't know what "dating very casually" means in this context. But all indications seem to be that you're not expecting a romantic relationship with your birthday friend. So, given that he hooks up, why would he refrain on his birthday, especially if he was very drunk? I don't know why you (and others) go for unavailable men. I think it might take a fair bit of work with a therapist to figure this out and what to do about it? Or can you do it on your own? At least you've maybe figured out what the problem is, if not what to do about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author missyou123 Posted December 23, 2014 Author Share Posted December 23, 2014 So it sounds like you're sending mixed messages. On the one hand you agreed "to just be friends." He hooks up with others but not you. And you've been "dating this other guy the whole very casually." I don't know what "dating very casually" means in this context. But all indications seem to be that you're not expecting a romantic relationship with your birthday friend. So, given that he hooks up, why would he refrain on his birthday, especially if he was very drunk? I don't know why you (and others) go for unavailable men. I think it might take a fair bit of work with a therapist to figure this out and what to do about it? Or can you do it on your own? At least you've maybe figured out what the problem is, if not what to do about it. It's a long story, but we became friends after going out on a date. I started dating someone else over the summer, after the first guy told me he wasn't ready for anything serious. After a few months with this new guy, we decided to be exclusive -sexually, not in a relationship. He wasn't looking for a relationship (see a pattern here lol) and I didn't want one with him. So this is what I mean by casually dating. And concerning my expectations of anything happening with birthday friend. Well I had been lying to myself this whole time. Although I've been "dating" someone else, it's been purely sexual with someone I don't really click with. Versus this guy I really like and feel so compatible with. Or maybe I only feel that way because he's not available. I guess I'll never know. I see the logic in him hooking up with someone, especially on his birthday. But in the past, when we go out, his attention has been on me. So this has led me to believe that maybe he wants to keep me as a friend first, before he feels that he's ready. But the fact that he acted that way in front of me, shows me those aren't his intentions. If he truly valued me, he wouldn't be waiting around, he'd be worried I would fall for someone else who actually made the effort. Anyways, thank you for all the replies. I believe in love, and finding someone who I value as much they value me. Working on being attracted to the right guy Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 I believe in love, and finding someone who I value as much they value me. Working on being attracted to the right guy Maybe you should talk with the birthday boy about each other's true feelings. So the "casual dating" sounds like a FB. My hunch is you'll have an easier time finding true love if you don't have the FB on the side while you're looking. Sounds like you have a lot of introspection and work to do, but I wish you the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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