Time to move on?

[Erised]

I met a guy last July in online dating. He was slow to meet in person, wanting to get to know each other first. We chatted, and finally met after a couple weeks, and seemed to get along. We planned a date, etc. After a bit he told me he wasn't sure how to proceed because he really liked me but didn't feel in a good place for a relationship. He did disable his dating profiles at this point. A bit more and he cemented he couldn't date but that he would like to be friends and hopefully date in the future.We continued chatting but not too much. We met only rarely but we would end up making out. Eventually we had sex. He would feel guilty afterward, worried he was taking advantage of me. I told him I was an adult and can make my own decisions, and as long as he was honest with me about what exactly he thought it is not taking advantage. Obviously more time passed. He lost his job and I know that being able to care for those he loves is a big part of his identity. He has now said he doesn't know how long until he will be comfortable enough with himself to be in a relationship.Meanwhile, he is careful not to share too much and almost freaks at the idea of me adjusting any part of my life for him. Which hurts, because I have grown to really care for him. He is amazing. His brain enchants me- a special intelligence and creativity. He is strong, articulate, handsome, dominant, a person of integrity. I recognize I am in danger of completely falling for him, though I of course have fought that as inappropriate.

In action, I would dismiss this, but if you know him, he comes off incredibly honest and sincere. I am 31 and have never so thoroughly misjudged a person as I must have if he is lying.

Though honest or not about me being just what he was looking for, he has been honest and consistent about no relationship.

I do not get it, because what we do feels like a relationship until he freaks out and pulls back over guilt. I do not need him to have something in his employment or stuff or whatever to impress me, because I'm thoroughly employment or stuff or whatever to impress me, because I'm thoroughly impressed by who he is, and in my head when people care about each other they get through hard times together without judgment or pulling away until things are perfect. I know this indicates even if he does like me, he is not capable of the sort of relationship I ultimately desire.

 

I have turned down many offers since I have met him. I have been honest about being hung up on another guy because I don't believe in lying, but about five guys despite this have said they'd prefer to be my friend and that if I change my mind- even if I'm not quite sure of myself in looking at another relationship yet, that they would love to take me out because I'm special and they won't find another woman like me, my friends have been encouraging me to give it a shot. Even though we are not in a relationship, I have felt too guilty to do so because my feelings for the guy and because I could not forgive myself if I hurt someone due to my own selfishness, though each have assured me that they feel fully informed. Each are amazing guys I would have been all over had I met them before becoming entwined with first guy. (I've met them all in the past four months.).

I have not been single much of my life, as this is the first guy I've wanted who did not want me back, but I hsve now and now exactly what I want. I know this guy has the qualities I want but this isn't the relationship I want. I also know if feel horrible abandoning him when things aren't going well. However, it's not really my choice is it? He has chosen he does not want to properly be with me, for whatever reason that is.

 

These guys also have the qualities I am looking for - one in particular I have more fun with than anyone I've met before and is kind, intelligent, funny... Only a bit more passive than I prefer. I could see me falling for him if I opened myself up to it. These guys have sent the sweetest letters about how they feel about me and laudations about me, presents, and been consistently there for me.. Or at least tried to be. have been cognizant of not taking advantage. They are intelligent and delightfully geeky. I am also feeling bad about not giving them a chance when we are well suited and I do like them. I've

 

Hope does spring eternal.

Is there any point in waiting for guy one?

Should I give one or more of other guys the chance they ask for, knowing the situation?

I have a strong feeling any could and will lead to a long term relationship. That's always been my experience- long term relationships with amazing guys. Dating is a foreign animal to me and I'm sure I'm not navigating properly here.

 

If I do go out on dates do I tell guy one first? He has no claim and early on encouraged me to date. However he knows I have not been and we have gotten closer since that point. I don't want him to feel pressured or guilted because his stance is already clear and I wouldn't want him to be with me not because he really wants me but because he's afraid of losing the comfort because I frankly deserve more.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Feel free to be completely forthright; I appreciate that in fact. No need for kid gloves.

 

TL;DR:

Been waiting for almost 6 months for an incredible man who says he likes me but isn't ready, and turning down many other amazing men. Is it time to give another guy a chance?

[Mrin]

Your Story in Food: back in July I found this cute little vegetarian restaurant. I didn't realize it was vegetarian until I looked at the menu. I ordered Panang Curry with Tofu. It was amazing. But I really prefer my Panang Curry with chicken. I asked the owner of he would make it for me and he said no. I kept going back. I mean, it would be so good with chicken. I keep telling the chef he needs to do it and sometimes I think he is wavering. But still only tofu. I go there every day and never go to any other restaurant. But still they refuse to make my vegetarian Panang Curry with chicken. Should I keep hoping that someday they will change their minds?

 

Alt: yes you need to move on. He's been pretty upfront about being a commitment-phobe. He's not going to change. You just have want-what-you-can't-have-itis. That's a drug of sorts especially for people who are used to being able to get what they want.

 

Honestly - the guy sounds like a manipulator who is just to weak to ask for a FWB and instead cops this whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" thing. How old is he?

 

I'd just say goodbye to him. Cut him out of your life and give one of these others a chance. I was in a similar position not long ago and when I finally told her goodbye and cut her out of my life - the most amazing magical woman came into my life literally 24 hours after making the cut. Best decision of my life.

 

Oh ya, and when I look back I realize now that I was just stricken with want-what-I-can't-have-itis. I shake my head and laugh about it now.

 

Best of luck!

[Erised]

I should specify this guy has been there when I needed him, too, coming out when I had car issues, and talking me through things, but actions don't change what is said.

[Erised]

 

Honestly - the guy sounds like a manipulator who is just to weak to ask for a FWB and instead cops this whole "I'm not ready for a relationship" thing. How old is he?

 

I'd just say goodbye to him. Cut him out of your life and give one of these others a chance. I was in a similar position not long ago and when I finally told her goodbye and cut her out of my life - the most amazing magical woman came into my life literally 24 hours after making the cut. Best decision of my life.

 

Oh ya, and when I look back I realize now that I was just stricken with want-what-I-can't-have-itis. I shake my head and laugh about it now.

 

Best of luck!

 

Thanks Mrin. He is 43.

I've wondered if it is something like that, because I have simply never behaved so irrationally before or pursued anyone before much less like this, but I can pinpoint exactly why I like him.

[Mrin]

Also - just more no kid glove food for thought - as I guy I can tell you that if he ever does come around to wanting a relationship, he probably won't want it with you. Not because of anything to do with you but rather just the basis of the bargain - how he views you fitting into his life etc. Thats how our minds work (see: guy who doesn't want to marry his GF of 8 years but marries the very next woman he meets post breakup).

[Erised]

Also - just more no kid glove food for thought - as I guy I can tell you that if he ever does come around to wanting a relationship, he probably won't want it with you. Not because of anything to do with you but rather just the basis of the bargain - how he views you fitting into his life etc. Thats how our minds work (see: guy who doesn't want to marry his GF of 8 years but marries the very next woman he meets post breakup).

 

Fair enough.

[mysteryscape]

just be sure you really put him behind you and are not still pining after him.

 

There is nothing worse than being with someone who really wants to be with someone else.

 

If you can't put him behind you, maybe time to cool your heels until you can.

[Erised]

just be sure you really put him behind you and are not still pining after him.

 

There is nothing worse than being with someone who really wants to be with someone else.

 

If you can't put him behind you, maybe time to cool your heels until you can.

 

 

That is why I have been so hesitant to date anybody else, even if I do like them, these past many months.

[Mrin]

Thanks Mrin. He is 43.

I've wondered if it is something like that, because I have simply never behaved so irrationally before or pursued anyone before much less like this, but I can pinpoint exactly why I like him.

 

No worries. Just to riff on what you wrote - and because it is a snowy Sunday morning in my neck of the woods and I can't go ski - that's a pretty heady feeling you're describing there. Sort of that out of control can't help myself coupled with the feeling of being outside "your box". Like a chemical chain reaction. That's good stuff right there. There is a certain sense of pleasure that want-what-you-can't-have-itis generates. Just be mindful of it.

 

The other thing you might want to ask yourself is: maybe this is what you want or need right now. To want what you can't have. There's nothing wrong with that. Hell, whole anthologies of poetry have been written on that very subject.

 

Also, delivered in the vein of a snowy Sunday morning - I'll toss a little mountain hippie at you. If your desirE for him is rooted in want-what-you-can't-have-itis, then if you believe in manifestation, you are only likely to manifest more of the same thing - a man who you desirE greatly but is unattainable. When you release that and place your intention back into the realm of possibility, you open yourself for a different manifestation. Ya, kinda hippie-dippy but hey, what's a little woo-woo talk between total strangers on an internet message board.

 

Okay, off to do some chores and stare longingly at the fresh snow. EDIT: my own version of wanting what i can't have.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Edited December 21, 2014 by Mrin

[preraph]

I can't believe you say that guy has "been honest." Please. Anytime a guy says he's not ready for a relationship but then sleeps with you, he's not being honest and his intentions are to get and not give back. He totally conned you with his fake "I don't want to hurt you" spiel. All he did was set you up so you couldn't come back and point the finger at him blaming him for getting used for sex.

 

Sorry. You've overlooked the obvious here and wasted way too much time on that guy.

[Erised]

I can't believe you say that guy has "been honest." Please. Anytime a guy says he's not ready for a relationship but then sleeps with you, he's not being honest and his intentions are to get and not give back. He totally conned you with his fake "I don't want to hurt you" spiel. All he did was set you up so you couldn't come back and point the finger at him blaming him for getting used for sex.

 

Sorry. You've overlooked the obvious here and wasted way too much time on that guy.

 

 

I'm not going to blame him for using me for sex regardless. I had sex with him because I wanted to have sex with him and we are adults. It's not something I regret doing, regardless. It was enjoyable and I've enjoyed our time together.

[Erised]

Follow up :

If I do start going out on dates do I go out with these guys or is that likely to get very serious very quickly? I am not sure serious is appropriate right now post heartache here. There is definitely interest in long term, which I do want eventually.

 

There is pretty consistently new guys interested in me (big city, you know how it is) so it's not an issue in that regard, but I'm torn between giving new guys a chance and really not hurting someone if I can't give what they really want.

[Erised]

I may not be ready to move on. I saw him and he reiterated that if I needed to I should date someone else because he doesn't want me to be lonely, and I know intellectually that it is never going to happen. Yet, I see him and I can't help but think that he is a person that would be worth waiting for, and I would wait if it was ever going to happen... so, emotionally I haven't caught up with my intellectual understanding that we will never be more than we are, or we would be.

 

He is truly an exceptional person, and I want all the happiness for him, and I have enjoyed all our time together, it is tempting to just keep enjoying the time we have but I recognize that I can't truly do that, either, if I'm doing it with false notions of hope in my head. It would be irresponsible and show a lack of self awareness.

 

I do wonder if dating might help distract me, but I do not want to use anybody. Whether they know the situation or not, using them is not appropriate...

[Poppygoodwill]

There's this hard lesson that I have learned, and you might benefit from too in this case: people do what they want to do.

 

In other words, if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be.

 

It wouldn't matter that he's 'not ready' or coming off a bad breakup or busy at work or has a lot of other commitments. If you were that important to him, he would throw caution to the wind and jump in - he'd make time, he'd find a way, he'd steel himself against whatever fear he has and take a chance. The fact that he hasn't, only means he's not motivated enough to do it. Because he doesn't care that much.

 

Now i hasten to add that has *nothing* to do with whether or not you're worth throwing caution to the wind for. I'm sure you're fabulous. He's just not that into you - not enough to overcome whatever his issues are. And let's be honest: at 43 if he's behaving like this: he's got issues.

 

So I'm with the ones that say you have given him enough of your time and energy. You deserve to be iwth someone who is crazy about you; who wants to make a life with you. Who will come and fetch you when your car breaks down AND also be eager to plan his next holiday together with you.

 

Don't sell yourself short on this guy who - for whatever reason - doesn't see all you have to offer. Move on to someone who will appreciate you in teh way you deserve to be appreciated.