Jump to content

should i just block him???


Recommended Posts

ok. long story short, i moved to my ex's town a few months ago. we broke up 1.5 years prior due to the distance. i didn't tell him that i had moved here. he found out through our shared professional network, began contacting me, asking questions, expressing excitement that i had moved to town. i replied to him sporadically. eventually, he asked me to go to dinner. i took a month to decide but eventually emailed to say yes, i would join him for dinner. i gave him my local number.

 

at that point, he told me that he was stressed out with work, had recently quit smoking, was suffering over a lack of progress on work-related projects. but that he would be back in touch soon and couldn't wait to see me. i didn't respond because i figured he would just call to arrange the dinner when things calmed down for him. it's been over a week with no further contact from him to actually schedule the dinner.

 

i feel annoyed. he broke up with me, and it took me a year to feel like myself again. i am starting to feel like being in contact with him is complicated and distracting. what should i do, if anything?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, you didn't respond to him so maybe he thought YOU weren't interested.. and honestly it doesn't sound like you are. If you're not feeling it, just tell him. Why force the situation on yourself?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Well, you didn't respond to him so maybe he thought YOU weren't interested.. and honestly it doesn't sound like you are. If you're not feeling it, just tell him. Why force the situation on yourself?

 

i am not sure that i feel romantic interest in him. the breakup left me gutted. and i don't know how to demonstrate enthusiasm for seeing someone who was okay with never seeing me again in life. should i just tell him that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Blocking him is an extreme response.

 

 

I think you are your own worst enemy here. You are putting too much stress & pressure on you & this dinner meeting for a mere colleague, which is what he is supposed to be now. You are pissy because you are acting like he's a potential BF again.

 

 

If he's just a colleague it should not really matter how fast people get back in touch. Especially during Chanukah days before Christmas you have to recognize that you aren't a priority.

 

 

Let it go. If he gets back in touch & for professional reasons, dinner fits in your schedule great. If it doesn't he's still a potential work related contact.

 

 

All this emotion is only valid if you want a more personal relationship with him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Blocking him is an extreme response.

 

 

I think you are your own worst enemy here. You are putting too much stress & pressure on you & this dinner meeting for a mere colleague, which is what he is supposed to be now. You are pissy because you are acting like he's a potential BF again.

 

 

If he's just a colleague it should not really matter how fast people get back in touch. Especially during Chanukah days before Christmas you have to recognize that you aren't a priority.

 

 

Let it go. If he gets back in touch & for professional reasons, dinner fits in your schedule great. If it doesn't he's still a potential work related contact.

 

 

All this emotion is only valid if you want a more personal relationship with him.

 

very insightful -- thank you!

 

i think if he had just invited me to coffee, lunch, or a meal at which other colleagues would be present, i would have felt a bit more comfortable. the fact is that he is my ex-boyfriend. and he has invited me to dinner, has shared various things about his various emotional states, in terms of work and in terms of me. and i have noticed that, in our email exchanges, he doesn't really respond to the work-related stuff i ask him. (i have asked his opinion on minor things twice.) still, i think i just have unresolved issues from the breakup and have never felt confident being back in touch with him...

 

anyway, i did not block him. thank you for reminding me to be reasonable!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

i loved my ex very much. he has many qualities that i still greatly admire, and i had such deep affection for him. the opportunity to be in each other's lives would be awesome. and some part of me believes that fate put us together in the same city to either continue what we had or to be at peace with it behind us.

 

but this relationship had the most painful ending of my adult life. my ex and i met in my city, and, as terrified as i was to pursue something with someone who was leaving in two years, we built a relationship. he was the main one pushing for it. it took a year for me to get on board and to trust it. eventually, when my ex moved, i moved with him and lived with him in his new city for a time. after i went home, we had a plan to alternate visits until one of us found a position in the other's city. within months of my leaving my ex's city, his contact waned. i began having nightmares and even physical pain about what felt like the slow death of our relationship. my ex insisted that all was fine - right up until i our next scheduled visit. a few days before my travel, he called and essentially ended the relationship by phone. we have not had a single conversation by phone or in person since. at the time of the breakup, i was dealing with problems at work and with family. i begged my ex to just talk in person. but he either wasn't able or didn't want to see me. and he never gave me back the money to cover my trip that he promised in that phone call.

 

so, i just don't feel that i know this man -- or respect or trust him very much. i felt used and discarded by someone who had meant so much to me. and i don't know what he wants from me now. his expressions of excitement about my being here, about seeing me confuse and frighten me most.

 

finally, when i moved to my ex's city this past summer, i met someone else and decided to pursue that relationship -- even though my ex had gotten in touch. that relationship fell apart in a painful way after a few months. so i am still a bit raw and vulnerable from that. i don't feel that i can give or risk much (to the ex or anyone) while trying to make a new life in a new place. but some part of me wishes that the ex could provide something of a soft landing. an oxymoron if ever there was one...

 

thanks for reading.

Edited by newlyborn
Link to post
Share on other sites

You are still hung up on this guy & that is why his hot/cold behavior is making you nutty. It feels like the end of the relationship.

 

 

It also explains why your relationship with the new guy didn't work. You haven't purged your system of him.

 

 

You really can't do much during these next 2 weeks with the holidays but your New Year's resolution ought to be to take the bull by the horns.

 

 

You call him up & you set up dinner. Really press the issue until you get a commitment to meet from him. See what happens when you see him. If the butterflies & desire are still there on your part, tell him how much he hurt you when he did the 180 but that you want to try again. You will either get him back or this will finally be over. Yes, that will make you re-live the break up all over again but you will get some closure in that you will know it was you as a couple that he was rejecting rather that some mere unwillingness to deal with the distance. IMO, knowing even if it's painful, still beats a life of regret where you would left wondering.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He broke up with you, he finds you are in his town, he calls you up, you are unsure, he eventually persuades you to go to dinner.

He then makes excuse after excuse.

 

He told me that he was stressed out with work, had recently quit smoking, was suffering over a lack of progress on work-related projects.
- None of these means he can't spend 3 hours having dinner with you, IF he wanted to. WE all need to eat.

 

I suggest first he thought "Great a chance to catch up", then the chase, when you refused - exciting - and then you said yes,

Oh dear, he then lost his nerve, or he has another women on tow and she was most unhappy or he thought "no, there was a reason we split up why go there again?"

Link to post
Share on other sites

You took a month to reply to his message and now you're upset that he's taking a week?

 

Sometimes people mirror one another's behavior. You showed him via your actions that you were not jumping at the bit to see him, and he was not privy to your thought processes as to why.

 

I think you are letting your emotions control you. The best action at a time like this is doing nothing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You are still hung up on this guy & that is why his hot/cold behavior is making you nutty. It feels like the end of the relationship.

 

 

It also explains why your relationship with the new guy didn't work. You haven't purged your system of him.

 

brilliant -- thank you! i feel like i owe you money for this insight. my ex's recent behavior, especially the "can't wait to see you so soon" with no actual plan to do so does remind me of his behavior at the end of the relationship. it was confusing and painful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

[

I suggest first he thought "Great a chance to catch up", then the chase, when you refused - exciting - and then you said yes,

Oh dear, he then lost his nerve, or he has another women on tow and she was most unhappy or he thought "no, there was a reason we split up why go there again?"

 

this interpretation feels right. that is why i didn't respond to his last email and will not be initiating any contact of my own. it just feels complicated and like i shouldn't be pushing for things he instigated but has no real intention to see through.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You took a month to reply to his message and now you're upset that he's taking a week?

 

Sometimes people mirror one another's behavior. You showed him via your actions that you were not jumping at the bit to see him, and he was not privy to your thought processes as to why.

 

I think you are letting your emotions control you. The best action at a time like this is doing nothing.

 

my emotions are out of control. i think it partially has to do with living in a new city, unpartnered, during the holidays. i think you are right that i should do nothing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
my emotions are out of control. i think it partially has to do with living in a new city, unpartnered, during the holidays. i think you are right that i should do nothing.

 

I know how that feels. I'll be traveling to see my family, but I'm struggling with the un-partnered holiday thing as well.

 

Instead of focusing on others and what they are and are not doing, focus on being really good to yourself. Having expectations of others is what is causing you pain, so stop with those, and focus on what is good in your life. Drink some tea, have a hot bubble bath; do whatever feels decadent to you.

 

Doing nothing when you're feeling emotional is the best thing to do. It's something I had to learn the hard way. You can't do anything you will regret later on if you do nothing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

so, after nearly two weeks, the ex emailed again. he wrote that he hopes i am not upset with him and asks if we can have dinner soon. (i had not responded to his last email in which he'd said he couldn't wait to see me because i was expecting him to just call and schedule dinner and due to some ambivalence i still have.)

 

to be clear: i want to have dinner with him. seeing the emotional effects contact with him has on me, i just don't know if i am ready. i realize that he still gets under my skin, and i feel a bit vulnerable. and it has been 1.5 years since i have seen him.

 

i am just wondering if i should take a bit more time or if i should just schedule the dinner already. thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I'm sure since your BU you had more than a week of no communication with him...what's a week? Give it another week.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...