Would you tell your partner the improvements they need to make?

[musicalsteve82]

If you and your partner were having relationship problems, would you tell your partner exactly the improvements they need to make in order to solve the problem, or would you tell them to figure it own on their own and make changes for themselves, not you?

[Gaeta]

I would definitely tell them clearly what I need to be happy in a relationship. Telling them to figure it out is a type of game. I was married 15 years and my ex-husband was a king at that game playing. If he was in a bad mood I'd ask him what was going on and he'd reply: I'm not gonna tell you, figure it out yourself. How do you think that helped our marriage?

[doeblin]

Honest communication is key.

Just don't play the blame game.

[most_distant_galaxy]

Of course I would describe my needs and I would want him to describe his needs as well. I don't waste my time with someone who won't do something as simple as listening and being honest.

[d0nnivain]

I'm upfront & specific about what I need & expect in a relationship. Most times if someone cares about you they will make those efforts.

 

 

It's petty but when we 1st got together the way my husband signed cards drove me nuts. I was very specific about how I wanted that changed & he now does it "correctly" imho.

[evanescentworld]

If you and your partner were having relationship problems, would you tell your partner exactly the improvements they need to make in order to solve the problem, or would you tell them to figure it own on their own and make changes for themselves, not you?

Validate your own feelings, wishes, desires, needs, requirements.

 

Advise a partner what you need from a partner. (Not I need this from 'you' - I need this from 'a partner'....)

If your partner cannot comply, or feels this is too much, then a discussion needs to follow.

But you cannot find fault, and expect, demand, require, insist on a change in your partner, to please you.

And if they make changes, it should be because they really want to make those changes for themselves, for their own benefit.

[USMCHokie]

Just don't call them "improvements" to your partner...

[Darren2013]

I'll just say this. If you are going to dish out criticism on what you believe your partner needs to improve on then you better be prepared to embrace criticism back. It is easier to dish out criticism than it is to consider the real possibility that maybe the one doing the criticism is not above the need for it themselves. That's the nature of the human ego. The human ego will blind a person to their own faults while focusing on the faults of others whether a partner or others.

 

All I'm saying is if you are going to point out where your partner needs improvement just know you are not any better and that maybe you too could use improvement in certain areas. Sometimes the ones who criticize are blind to their own shortcomings.

 

Another thing to add is that hopefully your relationship is not one where all you are focused on is the faults of your partner so that you can balance that criticism with praise. That balance is important. If there's more criticism than praise reports then what's the point of being in the relationship?

[preraph]

Well, if you're going to tell her what she needs to fix, then brace yourself, because she'll then feel free to come back at you with what all YOU need to fix. Why did you stay together if there were things you couldn't live with?

[USMCHokie]

Well, if you're going to tell her what she needs to fix, then brace yourself, because she'll then feel free to come back at you with what all YOU need to fix. Why did you stay together if there were things you couldn't live with?

 

I would honestly be disappointed if she didn't come back with ideas and thoughts on how I could make myself better.

 

Why go to 4th grade just because you finished 3rd grade? You do it to make yourself better. We are always growing, and being part of relationship gives you the benefit of another person's perspective.

 

It's all a reflection of character...

[aggie382]

Reading your other thread, it sounds like she's upset that you're not focused on her when you're with her, and she feels unimportant to you.

 

She can't give you specific examples of how to make her feel important other than pointing out the ways you make her feel unimportant, like always being on your phone when with her, or not having her meet your parents after 8 months.

 

After that, it's upon you to show that you care. If she were to tell you how to show that you care, even if you did what she suggested, it would come across as insincere.

[Gloria25]

OMG, I think nit-picking and trying to "mold" someone into the person you want is what kills RLs.

 

For example, mum likes to store the cups top down...me, top up. I want to strangle her. At first I'd just keep on storing it top up, but she kept on storing them top down. I gave up, it's not the end of the world how the cups are stored.

 

I think "approach" is key here. No one likes to be criticized. And, I've heard that's why some men just "give up" with their SO, cuz she makes it like nothing he does is right.

 

Let's say the issue is him not taking the trash out on time...Instead of yelling "hey, you missed the trash again". Say something like, "honey, I'm so glad take the trash out for us...hey, don't forget, it's gotta be out by 4PM"..Then, you give him a sweet kiss on the lips or cheek.

 

Get my drift?

 

But me, I think sometimes I just "take over". Instead of saying something to him, I'd just "do it". Like Xmas lights. If I didn't like how he put them up, I'd just say something like "here, have this warm cup or coffee/cocoa and let me help...relax". Then I'd do it like I want it. Or, I'd wait till he goes to work and when he comes back, I fixed it how I wanted it. However, with my "take it over" approach, I often fear that while I didn't "criticize" a dude, he'd pretty much figure out I didn't like what he did and probably don't need him - I can do it myself, thank you.

[Gloria25]

I would definitely tell them clearly what I need to be happy in a relationship. Telling them to figure it out is a type of game. I was married 15 years and my ex-husband was a king at that game playing. If he was in a bad mood I'd ask him what was going on and he'd reply: I'm not gonna tell you, figure it out yourself. How do you think that helped our marriage?

 

Well, not to criticize your approach - but I think women and men approach things differently.

 

Sometimes words are not needed. If my SO was having a bad time, I'd probably draw him a bath (maybe with cute bubbles), pull out a beer or glass of wine and massage his shoulders, feet and just tell him "relax dear, just relax". Shoot, maybe after that (especially the alcohol), he'd tell me on his own what's going on.

 

Last thing on my mind would be "ok, let's talk". Women always wanna "talk", women feel better "chatting it out" - especially with their gfs.

[xxoo]

If you and your partner were having relationship problems, would you tell your partner exactly the improvements they need to make in order to solve the problem, or would you tell them to figure it own on their own and make changes for themselves, not you?

 

Yes, I would bring it up.

 

But I wouldn't approach the subject (or even think about it) in terms of me suggesting improvements for my partner to make. For one thing, I don't believe I necessarily have the best idea on how to solve the problem. Two heads are better than one, and a cooperative solution is almost always better accepted than a unilateral decision.

 

But yes, I'd definitely want to talk about it.

[d0nnivain]

Some of it depends on the topic. The approach is key.

 

 

For example, I expect that my DH will say I love you when we end telephone conversations & that we will always kiss each other hello & goodbye. Part of that for me is a "fear of the unknown." It was brought into greater focus by tragedies like 9-11. I just feel better knowing that God forbid something awful happened, at least we parted well.

 

 

So you do have to be sensitive to how you broach the subject & you have to be willing to modify if the other person is willing to meet you part way.

[Satu]

Improving yourself is the place to start.

[Gloria25]

Improving yourself is the place to start.

 

Yep, cuz believe it or not...it takes two to Tango.

 

People are quick to say "he/she did this or that". But then why are you with him/her? Maybe you're the one who keeps on picking losers?

 

Also, maybe if you treated your SO better, they'd be more willing to think of you with kindness/consideration.

 

Like, when some men "forget" their SO's birthday. It's probably cuz she treats him like poop, so why should he remember mother's day/a birthday?

[spiderowl]

I think I would tell them things that are important to me, but only the ones that really do matter. Also, you need to ask yourself if it something they are likely to change. Not everyone wants to change or can change, even if it's obvious to others what they need to do to make things better.

[aggie382]

I think I would tell them things that are important to me, but only the ones that really do matter. .

 

If it's important to you, it matters.

[MissBee]

If you and your partner were having relationship problems, would you tell your partner exactly the improvements they need to make in order to solve the problem, or would you tell them to figure it own on their own and make changes for themselves, not you?

 

I don't see the point of asking them to "figure it out", that's insane and passive aggressive.

 

Communicating in a relationship for me means speaking up, listening and making sure BOTH of us are understood. Not game playing, mind reading and the like which are counterproductive.

 

When I have issues I explain what they are and make suggestions and also ask for input and thoughts and his ideas about how he feels about how I feel and where to go with things. That usually is way more productive than expecting the person to figure it out.

 

If it is something solely up to them to fix like some bad habit, like say smoking, then I am still there to support them not just say "figure it out."

[musicalsteve82]

She told me she felt I shouldn't change for her. But I wanted to! The changes we make should be the ones we want to make, yes?

[Darren2013]

Well some changes need to be made for yourself regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

 

Someone posted the other day about how if people brush their teeth and floss they might get more dates. That's mostly true but that's beside the point. Not being able to get dates because of unclean teeth is the least of their problems. Even if you never go out in public you still gotta take care of your teeth because you are going to face a huge dental repair bill sooner or later or you can't eat the foods you enjoy because your teeth are falling out one by one. Dental issues can really disrupt a person's day to day life concerning many things they take for granted. When tooth problems get that bad the inability to get dates is not going to be the biggest concern. The biggest concern is how limited they will be in what they can eat.

 

So there has to be a right motive for making improvements or else those improvements won't stick. It should go beyond just doing what is necessary to keep your partner around longer. The most important thing is that these changes are going to pay you dividends in the long run. If you are overweight then try to lose weight slowly so that you increase your chances of staying out of the hospital because when you are in a hospital all your freedom is taken away and doctors get to restrict your diet while staying there.