First girl since break up. How do I proceed?

[Christophe]

My first time posting in this section so I look forward to hearing you guys' thoughts.

 

I have posted my background in more detail in other threads but I went through a really horrible break up in June with the girl I was convinced I would marry one day. It has been a difficult six months for me trying to recover from the loss. I feel as though I have improved generally however I still get kind of low down at times.

 

Anyway I am posting here because this week I have met another girl I quite like. She is the first girl I have felt since my break up I have been drawn towards. She is also Spanish like my ex. I seem to be attracted to these girls and the Spanish culture. Most of my friends are Latin American and Spanish. So I met this girl called Rosa from Spain as she knew some of my other friends. I enjoyed talking with her and found her really interesting and she is beautiful (although finding it difficult not to compare her with my ex and thinking she is not as beautiful). We went to a bar as a group of 7 and were dancing some salsa. I did not feel much like dancing but I danced with Rosa and really enjoyed it. I felt something different with her. I felt confident being close to her and when we said goodbye that night I felt a bit like I missed an opportunity. I like her and she seemed genuinely interested in me but hard to tell if she is just very friendly.

 

Met her and some friends again last night and it was great being around her again. We talked a lot and then went to some club but I did not feel confident there and left early. Again was kind of kicking myself as I did not want to leave her and she seemed genuinely a bit upset I was leaving early. I just want to dance with her and take her home but last night my insecurities all came back I guess.

 

I find it so hard to read if a girl is interested in me or is just being friendly and a nice person. When I danced with her I thought it was quite intimate and I felt confident with her. Then when we said goodbye both nights she hugged me for a while. Longer than a normal hug haha. When I got home she sent me a message asking if I was okay and thanks for coming and I cheered her up being there. I told her I enjoy spending time with her and that we would talk again very soon.

 

From this limited info what do you guys think? I feel uncertain if she is interested sexually and romantically or just as friends. I know I want more than friendship. Just finding it hard to convey that I guess. Also feel a bit anxious as it's the first time I felt something for another girl since my break up in June. Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Chris

[doeblin]

Ask her out for a date. Just the two of you.

To gauge her interest observe how she responds and how she behaves on the date.

[Christophe]

Thanks doeblin. I texted her today trying to be pretty casual just asking if she wanted to meet up with me before Xmas. She has not replied though and now I feel stupid like she is not bothered. Like how in the past I get my hopes up and try and be positive and nothing ever happens.

 

I don't know if it is due to lack of sexual interaction with anyone since my break up six months ago but dancing with her felt so good and I felt confident with her. And talking with her in the pub she is really interesting and also interested which is a rare thing I find. I have not had chance to be alone with her but I feel like I really want to feel that connection with her. Feeling pretty lonely at this time of year on my own I guess. I feel like an idiot now for asking her. I still feel like dancing with her and the physical interaction I have had with her means something. Maybe she is just quite a physical person normally. She hugs a lot of people. Anyway my mind is racing and second guessing and going in circles overthinking everything right now.

[somecamel]

Give her chance to reply dude:)

 

On the other hand, are you really ready for this?

 

I haven't read your breakup posts but 6 months is probably too short of a time to be ready to start dating again, especially as you have kind of said yourself, to a girl that reminds you of your ex...

 

When she replies, which I'm sure she will, take things easy and slow:)

[Satu]

If you like to dance with her, start there.

 

Everything else is too much to think about at this early stage.

 

I think you'll get your reply soon enough.

[doeblin]

Yeah, give her a chance to reply.

 

You are attracted to her and you asked her out. That's a perfectly normal, confident thing to do. You're doing great.

 

Many people feel lonely at this time of the year, that's perfectly normal too.

 

I think after 6 months it's good that you are starting to look around. Life is short. Dating again could boost your confidence. Just don't get smitten too soon.

 

Try not to ruminate, don't think in absolutes. Don't conjure up terrible scenarios: those predictions are distorted and implausible.

Try to be reasonable and optimistic with your thinking. Relax.

 

Be cool.

 

 

ps.: This is basic, but you never know: when you ask a girl out, try to make it a specific activity at a specific time (e.g. "Coffee Tuesday afternoon?" ;"Ice-skating on Monday evening?"), not "Hey wanna do something sometime with me maybe later this month?". You catch my drift.

Edited December 21, 2014 by doeblin

[Christophe]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

She did reply to me tonight and it was positive so that's good. She said about meeting up 'sure, I am in York all this week' basically saying let her know when I can meet. She even complimented me on my Spanish haha (as half of my message was in Spanish). I suggested meeting on Christmas Eve or the day before in the evening so will see what she thinks to that.

 

I am trying to take it slow and not have expectations as she may only like me as a friend. Trying not to let my imagination go crazy thinking of what I want to happen with her. Both times I was with her this week though I felt pretty good and confident.

 

I guess like you say I have to be patient and take it slow. I don't want to come across badly and even if it is just as friends I'm pretty sure she likes me. Normally in the past when I have met girls and asked them to do stuff I got ignored or rejected. Yes my break up is still kind of fresh but I think seeing someone new could really help me if anything was to happen with this girl. It's not like I have been desperately searching for someone for the past 6 months.

 

You know when there are times you want to be close and intimate with someone and you aren't at that point that was what it was like this weekend. Walking down the street with her it was freezing and she was cold and I just wanted to hold her and also with the dancing I wanted to be closer with her. As I said she is very friendly and affectionate so trying not to make more out of that but I believe she was genuinely sad that I left early last night. And the message saying I cheered her up last night too. I know I want her I just don't want to become obsessed and get hung up on her especially if she is not interested romantically. I put too much pressure on myself. I know I can't force anything but also have to try and gauge if she is into me or not.

 

I guess this will be my first proper 'date' in a way (even if she doesn't see it like that). Anyway I am going to be optimistic and hope that I can enjoy the time with her. I just feel a bit at that point where I feel ready for a sexual relationship. I definitely miss the intimacy a lot. Despite wanting it for a while the fact that I haven't slept with anyone since my break up 6 months ago I think means I am not desperate. But yeah trying not to jump ahead imagining being in bed with her when there is a good chance it may not happen at all.

[doeblin]

I guess like you say I have to be patient and take it slow. [...] proper 'date' in a way (even if she doesn't see it like that).

It's good that you are not too attached to the outcome, but do be upfront with your romantic interest. You need to avoid the friendzone. Be assertive, without being pushy.

 

 

I think you're doing great recovering from your breakup.

[Christophe]

It's good that you are not too attached to the outcome, but do be upfront with your romantic interest. You need to avoid the friendzone. Be assertive, without being pushy.

 

 

I think you're doing great recovering from your breakup.

 

Thanks. Yes I will do my best. Nights out have tended to become quite depressing and lonely coming home on my own disappointed every time. Day to day I think I am recovering it just gets tough at night most of the time. I am starting to find a new group of friends now though so I hope things are starting to look better. Just trying to consciously make an effort to be myself. My ex was genuinely the most beautiful girl I had met and she was crazy about me so I know I need to have more belief in myself. I hope I can be confident with her like I have been this weekend. I want to go dancing with her after a couple of drinks first so that will be my plan. But no expectations haha!

[Bumpin in My Trunk]

I would say take it slow. After a breakup we are all a little desperate and we tend to push the needy vibe.

 

Good luck

[Christophe]

Not sure how I am feeling about this girl to honest. I like her and she is interesting and beautiful but I don't know if personality-wise she is right for me. She is kind of crazy (not in a bad way but she is very outgoing and quite confident, unlike my ex). She is also a comparison with my ex as she is also Spanish but I feel as though she is not as beautiful as my ex.

 

It's hard to know yet if she is interested or not I guess if she was interested that might change my view of things. One of my friends actually asked me the other day if anything was happening between us and I never even mentioned this girl to her so she obviously noticed something. I am trying not to think about her too much. I know it is partly a sexual desire and longing after not experiencing this in 7 months since my ex left. I get frustrated and want that connection with someone so bad.

 

Getting better I think coping without my ex but have had one or two moments recently of dwelling a little and getting down remembering how amazing our relationship was and how special that time of my life was. I know it is the past now but I struggle to see how I can ever feel this great again. Maybe this girl isn't right for me as nothing has happened. The night I met my ex was effortless and I was so confident. That hasn't been the case with this new girl.

[Ieris]

It was effortless with your ex because you probably started on a clean slate and wasn't constantly comparing her to someone else. This girl has got the sh*t end of the stick, having to constantly match up to someone else who is no longer in the picture.

 

You're clearly not ready to start something new especially when you are still thinking about your ex. Don't take it any further as you'll only end up hurting the new girl and she doesn't deserve that. Sort yourself out first before you get involved with anyone x

[Christophe]

I have got better about not thinking so much of my ex but how can there not be a comparison now?

[Christophe]

Do you think that because nothing has happened yet means it is not right? I guess that when you meet someone who is right for you you kind of know straight away. I find myself thinking too much with her and feel kind of nervous with her. I do like her though. I heard from a friend that she is going through some stuff after a break up fairly recently too. Maybe we could be great for each other. I don't know to be honest. I am not really sure how to let her know I like her as more than a friend.

 

I hope I can see her this week and hopefully I will start to see if she is into me or not. Also now my friend who thought she likes me knows that I like her she will also be able to help me. I am not going to hurt someone like my ex hurt me no chance. I am a good person I guess I am just a little wary and cautious of trying too hard to make something happen. As I said before when the time is right I hope I will know and can take action.

[doeblin]

Okay, now I actually think that you need to get your head straight. 7 months is enough for some people to get over their ex, maybe it was not enough for you.

 

You need to stop putting your ex on a pedestal. Yeah, she was pretty, yeah, you had some great time together. But it's never coming back! Life is short!

 

You need to learn to be happy on your own, you need to work on your self-esteem.

 

There are many good matches for you out there, but first you need to bury this. Maybe spend more time in the breakup section of Loveshack, there are good people there who will help you to cope.

 

Do you think that because nothing has happened yet means it is not right? I guess that when you meet someone who is right for you you kind of know straight away.

 

Yeah, when you feel the spark you just know it. However, your breakup dulls your senses. That's why you need to stop thinking that your ex is the best thing that's happened since sliced bread.

You are not going to have a new healthy relationship, till you get over her.

 

 

 

If you are still unsure after 2 or 3 dates, don't string this girl along.

[Christophe]

Thanks for the responses guys.

 

The last time I saw her was on Christmas Eve when we met for coffee and I saw her later that night with some other friends. Nothing happened but I left not sure how I felt about her.

 

We have not been in contact much since then (I have initiated asking about how her Christmas in Spain was and have texted her a couple of weeks ago. I have not physically seen her since Christmas though and was just thinking if she was interested she would get in contact with me first. Well last night at 12am I was just dropping off to sleep when I got a text from her. I was really surprised but in a good way as it was the first time she contacted me first. I had a really rough Thursday and Friday feeling really low on confidence and despairing. It felt good to hear from her and know that she has thought about me. She basically asked how my life was going and saying 'It's been so long since I have seen you! Hope you are doing fine'.

 

Thing is recently I have tended to overthink a lot but a text in the middle of the night asking about me. Do you guys think she could be interested in more than just friends? I know that is what I want and see what happens. I am not going to throw myself into a relationship with her necessarily but I do desire her. She is different to my ex but trying to accept her as she is and not compare her.

 

I have been lacking social confidence recently with girls and having self-doubt creep back in again so it's hard for me to accept or think that a pretty girl could be interested in me. I feel like she has given me mixed signals in a way. I know I am overthinking the whole thing but any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

By the way I replied to her text today saying it has been too long and I want to see her tonight and asked if she wants to meet up. She hasn't got back to me yet :/

 

I thought she sounded like she wanted to see me so thought she would have got back to me by now.

[Christophe]

Spent last night with her and some other friends. Enjoyed talking with her and danced with her a little. Walked her home last night but felt like I missed an opportunity. Persuaded her to go swimming with me today which was nice as she is not that confident with it. Then walked back to hers and said goodbye and went to get the bus. Missed the bus and had to wait for next one so went back to hers. I kind of did this on purpose because I wanted to go back and tell her how I felt about her.

 

Anyway we sat talking for a while but I just could not say what I had wanted to. Think I built it all up too much. I also think that now I maybe don't feel the same kind of attraction to her as I thought. I like being around her and find her sexually attractive but just can't make that step with her. I think it's partly because she was the first girl after my ex I have got closer to really. Maybe that is partly the neediness in me thinking that there is something there when there isn't. I just find it frustrating I guess 'only' being friends with girls I am sexually attracted to. Doesn't make me feel desirable or confident. Especially considering my ex was the most beautiful girl I ever met and we instantly had that spark.

 

I actually don't feel annoyed at myself for not taking any action with her this weekend. Don't think it is meant to be really with her. It's weird I still kind of want her (but think it is mostly to fight the feeling of being lonely and wanting sexual intimacy with someone).

 

I don't know if I feel resignation or not in general. I know I don't feel very confident or assertive or sexually attractive to women right now at all. Maybe I should just do my best to forget about women (I am human though so don't think that would work!).

 

It was effortless with my ex. Maybe I just need to be patient and wait for it to be effortless with someone else again. I just sometimes think I should be doing so much better than I am 8 months after the break up. I know I beat myself up too much.

 

Again any advice on my situation would be greatly appreciated. I feel a bit strange tonight, kind of confused by everything I guess. Thanks guys.