Can't seem to forgive my boyfriend?

[Nora101]

I am going to discuss my problem here, and I am going to be 100% honest about why things happened the way they did. I know I’ll be judged, and accused, but please here me out, and offer insight. I just need an unbiased opinion of my issue. Thank you in advance

.

A year and a half ago I was still dating my ex-boyfriend when I met my current boyfriend. I never really liked my ex that much so I had no problem breaking up with him when I met the new guy and immediately felt like he was the one. I broke things off with my ex, but promised to remain best friends with him since he was having a really hard time letting go (he was madly in love with me). Right after I broke up with my ex (probably a day or two later) I started dating my current boyfriend. I did tell my current bf that I’m on good terms with my ex, but I made it seem like me and my ex had broken up 6 months ago so that my current boyfriend didn’t feel like he was a rebound or something.

 

Anyway, when I got together with my current boyfriend, I was still confused about my feelings towards my ex and I didn’t want to rush into things. So, I told my current boyfriend that we could continue to get to know each other, but keep our options open (in case I ever decided to run back to my ex). My boyfriend agreed, and we continued to ‘date’ or whatever you want to call it. My ex was in the picture as well (as my back up), as I decided not to tell him that I was seeing another guy so quickly.

 

I started to quickly fall in love with my current bf, and began to get jealous over things. I found out my current bf was still friends with his ex as well, and suddenly felt betrayed – even though I was also stringing along my ex. When I started to get jealous, I started accusing my bf for a million things. He never really ‘cheated’ on me, but at times he definitely gave his ex much more attention than me. But I know, I hold some responsibility for this as I was also consumed by my ex and wasn’t fully committing to my relationship with my current boyfriend.

 

Long story short, I cut off my ex 6 months into my relationship with my current boyfriend. Shortly thereafter, I found my current bf’s relationship with his ex extremely unacceptable as well, and made him cut her off as well. 7-8 months into our relationship we both were finally done with our exes (although, my bf claims that there was nothing to begin with with him and his ex, and he was only into me). I don’t know how true his claim is, but we’ve dealt with the consequences of keeping our exes in our lives and have had numerous issues in regards to that.

 

I’ve made my current bf suffer a lot because of his ex’s presence in our life. He’s even cried and sworn that he’s done nothing wrong. He’s given me numerous explanations, and I’ve fought with him day and night over this. I certainly have all the control in our relationship now, and he’s willing to do anything and everything for me. He spoils me, he buys me everything, and does whatever I tell him to. But I can’t seem to stop hating him for being friends with his ex? Like, I can’t even explain but I want to continue to make him suffer. I know I cannot leave him because I won’t ever find a guy who caters to my needs as much as he does, but I cant seem to forgive him. My parents know about him too, and one day I end up telling my parents how much I love him, and then when I think about my bf and his ex, I just tell my parents how I hate him and this relationship. I threaten my bf that I’ll leave him and he gets scared, and I take advantage of that. But I just ugh, I want to stop all this. I want to be in a loving and happy relationship. Why can’t I forgive him? I feel like all my actions were justified, but his weren’t.

[Diezel]

You need a therapist to talk about your issues, not an online forum.

 

You're projecting all of your insecurities onto him for your "terrible" actions. Who knows what his situation was with his ex, but he's no less justified than you are and you need to deal with that.

 

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a puppet now. Not only that but it's permeated into other parts of your life. What image do you think your family has of him now? And I am not even sure you cut out your ex out of your life for the right reasons. You probably did it just so that you could tell your current boyfriend that he needs to do the same thing you did.

 

EVERYTHING you have done is because there are ulterior motives involved. You've manipulated everyone in your life and it is coming back to bite you. This is what you get when you play games.

 

You can't forgive him because you can't forgive yourself for the things you've done.

[coolheadal]

Life is already complex your making yours worst that it should be. I know you don't want your current BF stilling being friends with his Ex. Sometimes they become best friend afterwards. You seem to be the same with your Ex BF. At a time there you have two BF going on at the same time.

 

If you love this new BF so much and plus your in love with him. Then tell him so and stop with all this jealousy over ex friendship. He's with you not her! I have to agree with the other member saying your too much a controller of other people lives you need to re-think your actions before you start chopping away at their lives.

[Photofinish]

How old are you?

[Gloria25]

You know, on ID they just brought up a good point - which is, not good to jump into one RL directly into another...cuz, often times, when you don't have a gap between dating people, you don't take the time to figure out what went right/wrong in the past RL, heal, and like get back to being "yourself".

 

So, you end up starting a new RL on a bad foot - with a lot of unresolved baggage.

 

So, here you are, you took baggage into the new RL, tried to empty it and the baggage is still weighing you down.

[Mrin]

Dear lord I am glad I never met a woman like you. But you realize this and that's half the battle.

 

You should seek counseling. Not because you're messed up per se but rather you recognize these traits and want to do something about that. That's half the battle - facing your demons and wanting to do something about them. Find a good therapist - the time is right.

 

Best of luck!

[xbbnx]

Honestly he'll be better off without you. If I were him I'd have dumped you a long time a go. You're bf needs to grow a pair and trade his skirt for some pants.

[Yookie]

But I just ugh, I want to stop all this. I want to be in a loving and happy relationship. Why can’t I forgive him? I feel like all my actions were justified, but his weren’t.

 

You reap what you sow. It's not him you can't forgive. You can't forgive yourself and you are projecting it onto him. Punishing him and accusing him of all the deceitful things that YOU have been doing.

 

If you really want to stop this, acknowledge your part in this madness and find out what happened in your past to make you so self destructive. You can't move on, grow and experience a healthy relationship until you figure out how to bury your demons.

[Nora101]

You need a therapist to talk about your issues, not an online forum.

 

You're projecting all of your insecurities onto him for your "terrible" actions. Who knows what his situation was with his ex, but he's no less justified than you are and you need to deal with that.

 

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a puppet now. Not only that but it's permeated into other parts of your life. What image do you think your family has of him now? And I am not even sure you cut out your ex out of your life for the right reasons. You probably did it just so that you could tell your current boyfriend that he needs to do the same thing you did.

 

EVERYTHING you have done is because there are ulterior motives involved. You've manipulated everyone in your life and it is coming back to bite you. This is what you get when you play games.

 

You can't forgive him because you can't forgive yourself for the things you've done.

 

I understand that my behavior is very manipulative. But is there any way to overcome that, or for me to constantly not feel like all his actions were wrong whereas all of mine were justified for one reason or another? I cannot afford a therapist at the moment.

[Nora101]

How old are you?

 

We're both 24 years old.

[Nora101]

I understand that my behavior is very manipulative. But is there any way to overcome that, or for me to constantly not feel like all his actions were wrong whereas all of mine were justified for one reason or another?

 

I know my behavior is flawed because I tried to control and manipulated my ex-bf as well. And because I couldn't control him to the extent I wanted to, I left him for another guy.

 

As odd as this sounds, I don't want to leave my current boyfriend because I know I won't be able to control or manipulate someone to the extent that I can control him by making him feel guilty for actions that I think he committed against my will. But at he same time, I want to just let go of all the grudges I hold against him, and just feel content.

 

I cannot afford a therapist at the moment, which is why I'm seeking help online.

[Nora101]

You reap what you sow. It's not him you can't forgive. You can't forgive yourself and you are projecting it onto him. Punishing him and accusing him of all the deceitful things that YOU have been doing.

 

If you really want to stop this, acknowledge your part in this madness and find out what happened in your past to make you so self destructive. You can't move on, grow and experience a healthy relationship until you figure out how to bury your demons.

 

I feel like I do acknowledge where I went wrong, but that doesn't help me 'forgive' him either?

 

I do have a history of being sexually abused, and exploited. Low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, depression etc etc. Never sought help in that regard either...But I don't know why any of that would make me so manipulative or controlling?

[Ebelskiver]

It seems to me that you have spent a lot of your life not having control (ie, the abuse and manipulation you've been subjected to). To correct those wrongs you pur yourself in relationships where you are the one in control. Your ego feels that this way you won't get hurt. YOU do the hurting instead. But this doesn't really work. Using Fruedian terminiology, your superego (your consicience) knows that this isn't right and you find ways to sabatoge your best efforts by being angry over nonsense.

 

At your age, I was very angry and manipulative myself. I hadn't dealt with my anger over my own sexual abuse and my parent's poor handling of it. Those unresolved issues kept reemerging in my life until I dealt with them (therapy and discussing things with family). Adulthood is a constant parade of checking yourself against the triggers of your youth.

 

At 38, I'm a much better person, a true "partner". But I still have to check myself and not overeact to percieved hurts that don't exist.

 

I don't know where you live but with Obamacare you should be able to afford some decent health coverage....and then a therapist will only cost your co-pay. If you are in college then there should be couseling services available. Also county healthcare services are often cheap. Many therapists offer sliding pay scales.

[Diezel]

I feel like I do acknowledge where I went wrong, but that doesn't help me 'forgive' him either?

 

I do have a history of being sexually abused, and exploited. Low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, depression etc etc. Never sought help in that regard either...But I don't know why any of that would make me so manipulative or controlling?

 

Because whenever you were sexually abused or exploited, you weren't in control, so now you seek out situations where YOU can control every aspect of it.

 

It's not healthy.

 

If you can't afford a therapist, you might need some time alone. You aren't sorting through your issues by jumping from one relationship to another. It's good that you recognize your behaviors, but what help does it offer you if you aren't doing anything about it?

 

In your own way, you've become the abuser in your relationships. You've taken the role of those who exploited you. You don't see it that way, probably, but it's emotional abuse. You've completely broken down your boyfriend.

[Mrin]

In your own way, you've become the abuser in your relationships. You've taken the role of those who exploited you. You don't see it that way, probably, but it's emotional abuse. You've completely broken down your boyfriend.

 

 

Damn. That's some good stuff right there. Never thought of it that way.

[PhoenixRysing]

I appreciate your brutal honesty. You had to know your feelings and thoughts would be seen as horrifying, yet you shared them anyway. I find that refreshing and I respect you for taking this step. I appreciate that you have come here looking for help and recognize that doing so must have been quite difficult for you. You know how you are treating your current boyfriend is wrong and you seem to sincerely want to change. That is a very good thing.

 

Like Ebelskiver, I recognize a lot of my younger self in you. I experienced a very similar childhood as you both did. The thing about that kind of abuse is it puts a very young and naive person in situations they have no possible frame of reference to respond to. It turns you into someone who cannot see their own boundaries, because they were violated before you were strong enough to hold the line. In turn, as you become strong enough you strike out with a vengeance and yes, take joy in reclaiming that part of yourself. While reclaiming boundaries is healthy, most of us who were abused take that way too far. We rubber-band to the opposite extreme and become controllers and manipulators - as you, I, and Ebelskiver did.

 

In some ways I count myself lucky that I did not become the other extreme that often occurs, weak-willed pushovers who continue to have no boundaries and continue to be abused and victimized. However, the truth is that I had simply become my own abuser. My actions made me into a person I did not like, they kept me from true contentment, and held love at bay. This in turn fueled a vicious cycle where I tried harder to control things that were not controllable.

 

You are now caught in that cycle. At least you see it - I did not at your age. Kudos to you.

 

What I will tell you is that this cycle can and will go on infinitely if you don't change yourself. You have to learn to forgive your history even if you can't forgive your abusers. You have to relearn how to relate strong boundaries in a way that is healthy and receptive vs. combative and controlling. You have a lot of work to do ahead of you but it can and must be done if you ever want to truly see or be seen by anyone. At 37 I am just now starting to get this right - mostly because I hid from myself for so long that no real work could be done. You have a chance to do it differently.

 

I was you. And I lost "him." To this day, I regret my actions with him even though I have now finally forgiven myself for them. I loved "him" more than he will ever know, and more than I knew myself until I lost "him." I couldn't see it while I was in it, but my biggest issue was that I could not love myself and I could not see how he could. I used control to keep him with me because in my badly fractured heart, control and abuse were what I understood. It made sense to me that he would "allow" it because I had.

 

True and open love terrified me because there was no control. My inner victim screamed that if I let down my guard, he would hurt me as my abusers had. I knew he would never actually abuse me on a conscious level, but inside there was a little girl who was just terrified of being hurt and having my boundaries violated. Eventually my worst fears were realized and he did leave - but not because he didn't love me, because I could not love me, and therefore could not love him. He walked. That is what people with healthy boundaries should do, and it is what your boyfriend will eventually do. That is unless he becomes the other kind of victim I mentioned and ultimately you will lose respect for him because you will not see him as your equal. You overcame with power and if he overcomes with deference you will walk.

 

Either way, it ends up with this relationship ending unless you do more than post here. You need therapy, to surround yourself with people who will show you what boundaries should feel and look like, and if nothing else to bury yourself in self-help books that help you understand how to forgive yourself and your own awful history.

 

I have never shared any of this publicly, but your post screamed to me that maybe I could help someone else avoid the horrible consequences of self-perpetuated abuse. I am sorry any of us have to deal with this, it is not fair and it is ugly. But you can rise above it without making him cower below you. ((((HUGS))))

[oldshirt]

(Side bar note to other members of Loveshack - read this opening post again and understand this is why many of us are so adamant about breaking things off cleanly when partners start to behave badly and never allow "breaks" and never try to remain "friends" with exes.

 

This case also well illustrates the concept and practice of the "monkey swing" as well as trying to keep the previous BF on back up.

 

When someone is making time with someone else claiming it to "just friends", this is what they are working up to do. When they make the monkey swing, this why it is critical for the betrayed party to break things off and move on with their life as cleanly and quickly as possible so they don't get used and manipulated and held on the shelf in reserve like this poor schlep.)

[oldshirt]

(This case also illustrates why it's important to never discuss things ike your relationship or friendship with your exes, or discuss prior sexual activities with your current GF/BF.)

[bachdude]

I imagine what you really long for is emotional intimacy with a partner. The problem is you don't really trust people enough yet to be in a genuine relationship with someone. I imagine it is because of the abuse you had to endure growing up. And my heart goes out to you for that.

 

The problem is you can't have true intimacy with all the lying and manipulation. So while you think you are getting what you want by all the manipulation, you only have the illusion of a relationship.

 

Intimacy involves becoming transparent with someone who then accepts you and loves you for who you are, not what they want you to become. You are not transparent with your BFs. You hide, lie, and manipulate them but it will only bring you emptiness in the end.

 

Your current boyfriend is not in a relationship with you nor are you in a relationship with him. You control him. You try to control him so he gives you love. But love needs to be freely given.

 

Intimacy involves allowing the other person to be who they are and they allow you to be who you are. They give themselves freely to you, not because they have allowed themselves to be controlled and manipulated.

 

Wouldn't you rather be in a real relationship with someone? Someone who really knows you; your dreams, your joys, your fears, and your struggles? And who still embraces you and loves you? Someone you feel comfortable enough with and trust enough to share all of these things?

 

If you really want to be close to someone, you have to begin with being honest with them and they with you. And you have to have mutual trust with each other.

 

I think the honesty you've shown here on this forum is to be applauded.

 

May I suggest a book since you cannot afford a therapist?

 

Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy by David Richo.

Edited December 21, 2014 by bachdude

[stillafool]

I understand that my behavior is very manipulative. But is there any way to overcome that, or for me to constantly not feel like all his actions were wrong whereas all of mine were justified for one reason or another? I cannot afford a therapist at the moment.

 

There are places where you can get therapy for free. Look in your area for free therapy. You really do need professional help not what we can give you. It is good that you recognize that you have a problem. If I were to advise you anything it would be to confess to your bf that you also were seeing your ex at the same time you were dating him. Your first step should always begin with the truth. You are living a lie and making someone else pay for it.

[Nora101]

 

What I will tell you is that this cycle can and will go on infinitely if you don't change yourself. You have to learn to forgive your history even if you can't forgive your abusers. You have to relearn how to relate strong boundaries in a way that is healthy and receptive vs. combative and controlling. You have a lot of work to do ahead of you but it can and must be done if you ever want to truly see or be seen by anyone. At 37 I am just now starting to get this right - mostly because I hid from myself for so long that no real work could be done. You have a chance to do it differently.

 

I was you. And I lost "him." To this day, I regret my actions with him even though I have now finally forgiven myself for them. I loved "him" more than he will ever know, and more than I knew myself until I lost "him." I couldn't see it while I was in it, but my biggest issue was that I could not love myself and I could not see how he could. I used control to keep him with me because in my badly fractured heart, control and abuse were what I understood. It made sense to me that he would "allow" it because I had.

 

True and open love terrified me because there was no control. My inner victim screamed that if I let down my guard, he would hurt me as my abusers had. I knew he would never actually abuse me on a conscious level, but inside there was a little girl who was just terrified of being hurt and having my boundaries violated. Eventually my worst fears were realized and he did leave - but not because he didn't love me, because I could not love me, and therefore could not love him. He walked. That is what people with healthy boundaries should do, and it is what your boyfriend will eventually do. That is unless he becomes the other kind of victim I mentioned and ultimately you will lose respect for him because you will not see him as your equal. You overcame with power and if he overcomes with deference you will walk.

 

Either way, it ends up with this relationship ending unless you do more than post here. You need therapy, to surround yourself with people who will show you what boundaries should feel and look like, and if nothing else to bury yourself in self-help books that help you understand how to forgive yourself and your own awful history.

 

I have never shared any of this publicly, but your post screamed to me that maybe I could help someone else avoid the horrible consequences of self-perpetuated abuse. I am sorry any of us have to deal with this, it is not fair and it is ugly. But you can rise above it without making him cower below you. ((((HUGS))))

 

Thank you so much for your input, and for taking out the time to explain your experience in detail.

 

I now understand that this is a power/control issue. Due to the lack of control I’ve felt in my past, I’m now driven to find a sense of control in any sort of relationship I get into. Although I recognize that my behaviour is completely destructive, I have a really hard time getting a hold of myself. I don’t love myself, and I definitely have never felt love for anyone other than my parents.

 

 

 

I just don’t understand why I am so co-dependent and constantly feel the need to be validated by men, if I feel that these men hold no value in my life? I feel like I won’t be able to survive on my own, and I need a man to cater to all my needs and he should also behave exactly the way I want him to? I hold onto grudges, and find joy in making my boyfriend suffer for his past mistakes. I get angry, and upset and ruin a perfectly happy moment if I’m slightly reminded by his ex. I get mad to the point where I start wishing death upon him – just to realize two minutes later that I’m being absolutely insane?

 

 

I mean, if I’m not capable of being content and satisfied in a relationship like my current one where I make ALL the decisions, and my happiness comes before his – how will I ever be happy in a ‘normal’ and ‘balanced’ relationship?

 

 

I want to stop feel victimized in every situation, and I definitely don’t want to drive him to the point where he’ll develop the courage to leave me.

I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to lose him. I want to change myself, and make this a healthy relationship.

I will look for free therapy options, and self-help books.

Is this something I should be sharing with my current boyfriend?

[Diezel]

In progressing, you need to come to terms with the fact that you might lose him. But you need to make sacrifices in order to better yourself. And that starts today.

 

You will never know how to deal with this by yourself. That's something you need to understand immediately.

 

You don't want him to develop the courage to leave you? So you still want him to feel scared by you? Terrified about what you may do or may not do? You need to recognize how abusive this can be towards other people. It's not fair to him to have to suffer through what you did.

 

What you are in right now is not a relationship. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true. Relationships involve compromise, communication, trust, and sacrifice and in your relationship, there is none of those. It's a master-slave relationship where you are conditioning him to give you every ounce of control.

 

This is not normal, it's not healthy, and it isn't love... it's not right for either one of you. I don't think you realize the damage you are doing not only to yourself, but to his psyche as well.

[PhoenixRysing]

Thank you so much for your input, and for taking out the time to explain your experience in detail.

 

You're welcome. I am sorry that I am just now seeing this but I hope you will come back and read.

 

I now understand that this is a power/control issue. Due to the lack of control I’ve felt in my past, I’m now driven to find a sense of control in any sort of relationship I get into. Although I recognize that my behaviour is completely destructive, I have a really hard time getting a hold of myself. I don’t love myself, and I definitely have never felt love for anyone other than my parents.

I can't speak for you but I will continue to speak candidly in hopes that some of this resonates. For me, abuse at such a young age taught me that I had no voice. I was trying to show people who could help me that I was in trouble but they could not (or would not) see it. When I finally found the words to share my pain and what had happened to me, I did not get support. I got shown that my pain hurt others. They could not deal with what had happened to me so they shut it down. From that, I learned that my voice was irrelevant. Since I never learned that my voice would be heard if I "used my words" in a healthy relationship, I too learned to shut down. I told myself to suck it up, carry one, and deal. Unfortunately, that is not a capability that most of us really have. Eventually it comes out. Liken it to a volcano. It will erupt. Since I never learned how to show emotions real time, they all came out in a spew of anger, hatred, and hurt - with no rhyme or reason to the trigger. Unfortunately, our safest havens, the ones we actually love, often get overtaken in the lava flow because they are standing too close.

 

I just don’t understand why I am so co-dependent and constantly feel the need to be validated by men, if I feel that these men hold no value in my life? I feel like I won’t be able to survive on my own, and I need a man to cater to all my needs and he should also behave exactly the way I want him to? I hold onto grudges, and find joy in making my boyfriend suffer for his past mistakes. I get angry, and upset and ruin a perfectly happy moment if I’m slightly reminded by his ex. I get mad to the point where I start wishing death upon him – just to realize two minutes later that I’m being absolutely insane?

 

They do hold value though, that is the problem. You are looking, or at least I was, for them to restore you to a point before you were violated. You want a rewind, a redo, at something you can't change - the past. So you extract that rewind from those who are closest to you. You look all around for someone to pay the price for what was done to you - and it can't be done. There is no fix in the present for something that was done to you in the past. Subconsciously you know that and it enrages you. It isn't fair that you had something taken from you. You are looking to fill that hole up with rage, with control, with retribution - but it does not work. That makes you angrier because the fact that the hole exists, that the rage exists, was never your fault, still you have to fix it. You have to fill it. I liken it to a man being mugged on his way home to buy groceries for his starving children. The thief took something from him - his manhood, his solution, his children's hunger. He now has to face it, not because he is bad, but because someone else was. He now has to fill in the gap that someone wrongfully took from him. Should he be angry? Of course. And so should you. But not at his children - at the thief. Just as you should not be angry with your boyfriend - but at your abuser.

 

I mean, if I’m not capable of being content and satisfied in a relationship like my current one where I make ALL the decisions, and my happiness comes before his – how will I ever be happy in a ‘normal’ and ‘balanced’ relationship?

 

When you realize that happiness does not come from control, but from accepting that you are not in control, you will find it. Real love is not given at gunpoint. Real love is given when a space is made for it to step in freely. Right now, you are using the gun of fear to keep your boyfriend in line. You know that and this is why you aren't feeling truly loved. He has to give it to you freely, and you have to accept it openly - or you will always be off-balance.

 

I want to stop feel victimized in every situation, and I definitely don’t want to drive him to the point where he’ll develop the courage to leave me.

I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to lose him. I want to change myself, and make this a healthy relationship.

I will look for free therapy options, and self-help books.

Is this something I should be sharing with my current boyfriend?

 

If you truly love him and respect him, you have to start with sharing your truth. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If not with him, than start with someone you do trust. You mentioned your parents, start there. You have to start letting people in, let them see your hurt, let them see the pain you are in. If you don't, you will never feel seen. You will always be walled off. Be warned, not everyone can handle what you have had to face and they may not be prepared for your truth. I am telling you this, not to discourage you, but to strengthen you in case your truth is simply too much to bare for those who love you. This is why some of us recommend therapy, they are paid to not judge you and have learned to deal with the hardest parts of humanity. But you have to start by being real somewhere if you want to open the door to love. Love is about really being seen. I said it before, but it is worth repeating...love is never given at gunpoint.

 

My answers in bold. And more hugs to you. Thank you for listening and I am wishing you courage in the days, months, and years ahead. I sincerely hope for you a better outcome than I myself had.